MY STORY & ENCOURAGEMENT | Heal. Grow. Thrive!

I would like to encourage other people who are hurting to share their story and to not be ashamed or scared to be a proud survivor and a warrior (the only person who should be ashamed is the abuser, not you). I would like to encourage people to be proud of their empathetic hearts and beautiful souls and stop hiding or feeling ashamed. I would like to send an important message to those who hurt: No, it is not your fault that someone took an advantage of your kindness and a good heart. Please, continue to be open because no matter what false illusion the narcissist brought into your life and what negative impression he or she left inside of your soul about this world, the world (except some evil entities lurking in the shadows) is a beautiful place worth to experience full of beautiful people and once you will heal, you will see it the same way. There is the happy ending waiting for you.

The most beautiful thing about the empaths is their capacity to have a heart. This is the reason why we have been attacked in this spiritual war between good and evil in the first place because our hearts have been envied by those who have non. I would like to encourage you to go out of your shell to share your story by sharing my own story with you first. Know that you are not alone in this. And yes, it is possible to heal and be happy after narcissistic abuse.

 It all started in my childhood...

I am a super empath, a scapegoat child of a narcissistic family and a healed codependent. Or better to say ESCAPE goat. I was raised in a highly dysfunctional family surrounded by violence and alcohol where I have been psychologically, emotionally, physically abused, sexually molested, sabotaged and neglected which resulted in me suffering from a PTSD ("post-traumatic stress disorder"). From a very young age I also suffered from depression, eating disorder (anorexia), numbing myself with drug addiction that leaded me to an attempt for a suicide. Honestly, statically I suppose to be dead. Based on a recent suicide data available in 2018, the suicides committed for the reason of people suffering from PTSD and C-PTSD belongs to one of the most common reasons why people actually committing the suicides. I would go as far as to say that I do really believe that all suicides in the world are actually caused solely by PTSD and C-PTSD. The PTSD and C-PTSD is a serious emotional and psychological injury but because its not visible on the body, the public does not take this injury seriously.

... and it continued to my adulthood.

I had my awakening and the biggest dark night of the soul in my very early 30s when I fully awakened to the reality about my family and went no contact. Inspired by the scapegoats Buddha and Jesus Christ, I have walked away from my family to find the sanity and the clarity for my life, to heal and to step out of the illusion and step into the truth. As I have been programmed by the narcissists since birth, this set me up to attract narcissistic partners and friends too into my life. I have been 10 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist with the sociopathic tendencies who has been full of deceives, lies, gaslights, manipulations, cheating and over the years he corroded my personality and my life like a rust which resulted not only in a re-traumatization and developing C-PTSD ("complex post-traumatic stress disorder) but also he ripped me off my apartment, my belongings, thousands of Euro, made me homeless, smear campaigned me till I was isolated without any needed help and then he disappeared overnight without any explanation, apology, guilt or remorse leaving a huge mess and devastation behind him for me to clean it. He ran away to the other part of the globe where he immediately married another woman (she is a histrionic overt narcissist) for a visa and leaving me in an utter shock of what the hell just happened. Its the same woman he was living a double life with behind my back for 2 years. Him and her together with their manipulated and manipulative flying monkeys (which includes the recruited fan club and his covert narcissistic family) have been covertly cyber  bullying me and taking me through the well hidden emotional and psychological abuse for a quite some time and almost pushed me to a suicide.

Unfortunately, my horror story did not end there.

That time I started to be a bit more aware of a fact that there is something really wrong with the people I surround myself with. Although, I did not know that time it has actually a name - narcissism, but intuitively I already knew I was dealing with people without an empathy, without an emotional intelligence, very self absorbed and selfish, shallow, empty, somehow twisted and on a subconsciousness level I felt unsafe with them. But as I have been programmed being codependent since a childhood, the abnormal was my normal. I did not know any better so I did not have anything to compare to. I also started to be aware of a fact that there is something wrong with me too. That time I did not know that I was actually suffering from codependency and the codependents and the narcissists fatally attract each other. If you closely observe any toxic relationships, you will see it - in most cases, it is usually relationship between the codependent and the narcissist (not always, but this is the most common combination). As people do not search for new, but they look for the familiar, they usually end up with the partners and friends that remind them of their caregivers and the dynamics of their family unit. As I have been surrounded by a dysfunction since I was a child, I sure absorbed lot of dysfunctionality myself from my surrounding so except my long healing journey from narcissistic abuse, it took me also a long time to de-program from codependency. At that point of my life, I still  did not know what I am dealing with and even I tried to do my best I could that time "to do something about it", it took me nowhere.

I did not take any time to heal myself properly from the narcissistic abuse of my first narcissist and I jumped into another toxic relationship with a borderline overt narcissistic man and we have been together on and off. He was officially diagnosed with personality disorder by a professional psychiatrist. It was the most roller coaster relationship I ever found myself in. He was the classic openly aggressive and arrogant "overt", he took this over dramatic histrionic borderline aura with him everywhere he went and he was also an alcoholic. In his manic periods, the life with him was full of adventures and fun. I thought he is just free spirit... I did not realize that time that this "adventurous" nature of him was nothing else than the symptoms of his disorder such as recklessness, impulsiveness, immaturity and irresponsibility. He sucked me into his unstable world and I became unstable too. It did not take a long till he dragged me down to hit just another rock bottom of my life (at that point I became a professional "hitter" of the rock bottoms). In his depressive periods and alcoholic binges the doctor Jekyll left and Mr. Hyde appeared. I remember myself looking in the mirror one day. I could not recognize myself anymore. Today I realize that it was the reflection of an abused woman. I had such a sad eyes full of pain, my hair were half of the volume I used to have, my face was very pale and I had dark circles under my eyes. After I survived two narcissistic men, I felt like I was hit by a train. He was the typical ghetto bad boy with lot of muscles and lot of tattoos whose life was a real roller coaster (who would assume this can end up  badly?), although he entered my life first masking as my "rescuer" (his favorite sentences have been "Nobody will love you more than I do" or "I am the only person who ever protected you"). But also sentences "If you leave me, you will never find another man, who would like to be with someone like you?" and also "Don´t provoke me or you will see something you never saw before" (while me doing nothing to provoke him). I spent all those years trying to fix this man but instead I broke myself. This includes financially too. One day I looked around me and I realized there is a hole in the door that he made with his fist and a vomit in the middle of our room after he came from one of his alcoholic binges, not to mention his hobby to make plates fly out of the window. I finally got it, I woke up from some sort of a coma. Something broke inside of me. I remember I was speaking to myself inside of my own head: "This will be not my destiny! Never ever I will allow anybody to abuse me ever again!" I was trauma bonded and he knew how to lure me back with his perfect body and this extremely sexual attraction we had for each other (which I understand today that it had nothing to do with true love, rather with lust, exploitation of my vulnerability, manipulation and humiliation). He pulled me right back in to the roller coaster every time I tried to pull away. We broke up many times and I always allowed him to come back due to the trauma bond. I genuinely loved this man despite I was fully aware of his official diagnosis (although, that time I was not yet educated on the cluster B type of the personality thus I did not understood fully what I was heading into as that time I thought that personality disorder is similar to flu and it can be easily cured with a little bit of patience and love). I thought that if I give him enough love, I would heal him and we would live "happily ever after". As a chronic optimist, I always try to see the best in every person. Even its not there....... Until that one moment that something broke inside of me. I packed my stuff and I left....this time for good.

I was so exhausted from everything I went through in my life. It was that moment I came to the conclusion that enough is enough. I was so sick and tired of toxic people in my life. I was so sick and tired how my whole world was crumbling down again and again and again for disordered people. I was sick and tired how my empathy and kindness were always used against me like a weapon. And in the end, I started to be even physically sick. The toxic people in my life had a very negative impact on my health. That time my health started to decline and it became very poor. I developed lot of health issues during that period of my life including strong allergies (that I never had before), constant headaches, my eating disorder was also kicking back in and my whole immunity system just shut down. I guess that my poor health was the last straw for me. Even my body was not able to deal with the abuse and my codependency anymore. Yes, love can kill you. I could not believe that I had two serious relationships in my life and both of the men were highly psychologically and emotionally abusive. I was also angry to myself that since the day I was born, every single key person who supposed to love me and protect me was using me and abusing me. I was angry to myself because I did not even recognize the abuse because the abuse has been normalized for me since the childhood so I did not even see it happening in front of my eyes. The whole time I did not get properly that what I was going through was actually that bad and serious, I have been trained since childhood to have a high threshold of pain. Once I woke up to the reality, I was angry to myself how I allowed those individuals to treat me like a trash and even to be this naive to pay them back with nothing than pure love and kindness. Something broke inside of me from one second to another and I removed ALL toxic people from my life literary overnight. I was so sick and exhausted that I did not have even any energy to have mercy for them. At that point, it was a matter of life or dead for me. And I am not even exaggerating. I removed, I blocked, I deleted, I literary disappeared from the surface of this planet for them. Since then I never looked back, not once.

This set of experiences has been a catalyst to my dark night of the soul followed by a huge awakening.

Those times were the darkest and the most lonely times I ever went through in my life. My mind was shattered and shredded. I felt utterly betrayed. I was not even able to articulate my feelings when my surrounding was asking me "Lin, whats wrong with you lately?". I was going through a strong brain fog, a shock of my system and I felt physically and psychologically disoriented. All my lifetime trauma, the one from my childhood and the one from the narcissistic abuse of my exes, surfaced all in the same time. I really wanted to scream and explain what is happening to me, but I did not understand it myself either. That time I had no idea that something like "narcissistic abuse" or "C-PTSD" does exist. I was losing my mind. My soul was paralyzed and I felt frozen. My heart was bleeding. I spent most of my time in bed in fetal position paralyzed by panic attacks wishing that God "takes me" because the pain was unbearable. From the outside world it might seems like I had "only" the depression or I am "lazy" but I was really deeply suffering. The symptoms of the C-PTSD were so overwhelming that I stopped to be able to function in a daily life and I saw no way out. Every day I felt suicidal. I lost lot of weight, my hair was falling out, I could not sleep, I could not think, I could not eat, I could not even drink, I started to be physically ill from the constant stress, I had zero energy and finally I was rushed to the hospital where I have been diagnosed with "total exhaustion of the physical body" and "dehydration" and the hospital staff put me on infusion. I used to be very smiley, humble and passionate person with naturally optimistic nature, but those dark times sucked all the inspiration and positivism out of me. I became only a shadow of my previous self and I was stuck in the middle of the dark tunnel without any feeling of hope for resolution for my situation or hope to get better. Everything that I once loved disappeared from my life - things that used to bring me joy were gone and they did not make me happy anymore. I lost myself. I really thought I will never be me again, I felt like there is no chance I will ever go back to my previous self and just feel normal again. I am an artist. I have been born with the pencils and brushes in my hands. For the first time in my life, I had a full blown artistic block. For the first time I was not creating at all for a long time. I am an introvert and the art has been always my way to express myself and something very close to my hear that makes me really happy. I lost the last channel to express my feelings. I have literary put all my artistic supplies to the boxes, I took those boxes outside and threw them into the garbage bin. That time I thought: "That´s it, I will never ever again create art for the rest of my life...." and I started to accept this sad fact.

Unfortunately, lot of therapists are not familiar with the narcissistic abuse. Even that little help that was provided to me was incorrect and it came very late. One day I went around the term "narcissistic abuse" and my life suddenly made sense for the first time in my life. That is exactly the point from where my healing journey has been finally activated. I spent all of my free time with passionate study of narcissism, I read probably every single book on narcissism available on the book market. Through the years I listened to hundreds of videos and read hundreds of articles on internet. The online community of survivors and the online coaching of other survivors who have been also abused by their narcissists and managed to fully heal was helpful too. In fact, those survivors were the only people who understood me that time. I will be forever grateful for all of those amazing souls who contributed to my healing and for helping me to make sense of that pile of mess I found myself in. For the first time in my life, my pain was validated. Except our community, nobody else understood what I was going through due to their lack of knowledge on narcissism or they have been narcissists themselves too (as I kept educating myself on narcissism I have had this realization that I have been actually surrounded by the narcissists since my childhood). Willingly or unwillingly those people took me through a lot of "secondary abuse" by insensitive comments such: "what´s the big deal here....just go over it". Like C-PTSD is something I have chose to keep.... It made the situation much worst and I started to feel even more depressed, suicidal and I started to avoid everybody. I went no contact also with those people who invalidated my pain, abused me by proxy or those who secondary abused me.

Non of those narcissistic friends, narcissistic family and my covert narcissistic ex who brought me to a mental breakdown did check on me while I was literary fighting for my own life. Months and years, non of them offered any kind of support (even they have been the reason of my break down and they brought me to this dark places) and they did not show any empathy towards me. Zero. Also, they did not take any responsibility for their actions. I will go as far as saying that the narcissists in my life found a pleasure in creating my suffering, pushing me into the suffering, then happily watched me to suffer and have been pushing me to the suicidal thoughts on purpose. They trained me so well by abandoning me over and over again that I actually abandonment myself too and I did not realize it for many years. And that´s why when I finally woke up from "coma" after the series of what I call "grant final horror experiences", only then I noticed that my "inner child" is hysterically screaming and crying sitting forgotten in the darkness. Those dark times were my greatest "aha moment" of my life because it became finally crystal clear to me that the narcissists do not care. It was something I always felt in my heart but somehow I always brushed it off. They let you die, both emotionally and physically and its not a big deal for them. I guess that was also the point where on a very subconscious level I started to have this urgent need to run away, get as far from them as possible, I started to feel extremely trapped by them and I started somehow preparing my exit plan. This time forever. I knew that from that point in my life there is no way back. Also, the same way as I packed my art supplies back than, this time I packed all of my photos from childhood and adulthood to the box together with my old clothes, items and anything that would remind me of my past (in other words most of my stuff) and I took it out to the garbage bin. Instead of that I bought a new art supplies. The life with the narcissists is fake right from the day one, so why to keep a memory of something that actually never existed? My journey was long, dark and lonely. But no storm lasts forever....

Today I am a happy hippie hippo ;-)

If you lose someone but found yourself, you won.

The worst things that happened to me are the best things that happened to me.

Since then I have done radical self love and inner work, I educated myself properly on narcissistic personality disorder and codependency. I made a radical decision to get healthy and happy and I never broke this promise I gave myself ever since. I put everything aside and I committed to my healing. Today I am fully healed, I tremendously grew through this experience to the point where I am completely different person and I live normal, joyful, stable and healthy life surrounded by my "soul family", following my dreams and I have fully restored my whole life from zero to the point that today my life is much better then it was before my narcissistic exes. Today, years later, I am one of the most genuinely positive people you can ever meet. I feel strong, healthy and confident and I have bold healthy boundaries. Al thought, my healing path took me years and it was a very bumpy road, I managed to heal from trauma and codependency to the point I have zero triggers or flashbacks. I even feel like my past does not exist anymore and never did.

For some reason, I would not change a thing about my long and painful journey, I am grateful for this horrific experiences as it formed me into a person I am today. I am much happier today than I was before the abuse of my narcissistic exes and today I feel younger and lighter than I actually felt in my childhood. I remember that exhausting feeling in my childhood and in my teens - I was so young, yet I felt like 120 years old. I consider removal of the trauma out of the system the best medicine for everything you can think of and the narcissistic abuse the highest spiritual calling of my life because it woke up my soul from sleeping to life and it brought a sudden awareness of my karmic shadows to myself that needed to be cleared as those were old karmic impotent energies that supposed to be gone already a long time ago.

Today I feel me again. In fact, I feel like I even became a better version of me and a better artist. Yes, I started to do art again. My passion for creating art is more intense today than ever in my life. My palette is much more colorful than it used to be because today I love my life for the first time in my life, I value good people (because real is rare) and we exchange a powerful energies, I love my inner peace and I really just enjoy my fun time with creating. The  releasing of trauma out of my system brought a lot of positive changes to my life, just to mention a few - because the narcissistic abuse damaged my physical health a lot, in the healing process the Universe leaded me to the new interests and directions such as gym, meditation, minimalist lifestyle, practicing of spirituality, veganism and healthy eating. I am also interested in healing natural medicine such as herbs and natural DIY vegan cosmetic products. I became a passionate advocate and practitioner of holistic way of living. I take proper care of my body, mind and soul. The narcissistic abuse leaded me back to myself (I realized that the only person I ever missed was actually myself that got lost for a long time, probably life times) and today I feel finally fully connected to my higher self. I feel connection to spiritual world and to the Universe like never before. I am single and on celibate on purpose as for now I really enjoy my own company and I do not feel like I want to be in any relationship, I enjoy my well deserved peace and freedom and I put myself first now. Today, my main focus is on my self development, spirituality, helping others, creativity, my health, running my business, traveling, building my life, following my dreams, creating and enjoying meaningful friendships with NORMAL good people. I do not plan to be single forever, I am sure one day I will find a good man and I will make sure this time the man who will be in my life will be an empath. I took a paper and a pen and I wrote down all attributes he needs to posses in order to be in my life. I am not willing to put up with any "bs" of an another "mental acrobat". I would rather be forever single than deal with one more of these low vibration dark entities. As surreal as it would sound, after I fully healed (and you know you are healed when you do not operate from the place of anger and hate anymore but rather compassion and understanding), I truly have the compassion for the narcissists as I fully understand today that they have been the victims once too. Otherwise their personality would be not disordered today. However, today, I feel compassion towards myself too because the real compassion always starts with ourselves. If the compassion for the world exclude yourself, then you do not feel compassion, you are the sadomasochist. All of us need to take the responsibility for our own healing. Nobody can push you into the healing if you do not want to and nobody can stop you if you decide to heal. Healing is such a personal decision that nobody can do it for someone else. Those who decided to face their own demons in the mirrors and those who found the courage to touch their wounds in order to heal them should be not stopped by those who chooses not to heal and decided to continue to walk their destructive path. This is the reason why I cut off all toxic people out of my life - I feel compassion for them, but in the same time I do not want them around me because we all made our own decision for our life.

I also took a pen and paper and wrote down the list of all my dreams, goals, wants and needs and I currently focus on fulfilling them (it also helps me to stay nonstop busy not having time to think about negativity). Part of the codependent disorder is that the codependents are chronically sacrificing for other people to the point they are literary exhausting and breaking themselves for others. The codependents never do anything for themselves while they do everything for others and serve them. The codependents have the tendency to be the extensions of the narcissistic people and live their life instead of their own. The codependents have the tendency to fix and heal others while they bleed to death in the middle of their own mess. Funny how the life and the health changed for me once I stopped to do everything for others and instead I started to do those things for myself. I started to heal and fix myself instead of orbiting around others fixing their problems and making myself miserable by doing so (they did not appreciate it anyway). I have been always very active, creative and productive, but somehow I could not figure out why I can´t achieve the stability in my life. How it is possible that I work this hard being a hustler just to have nothing and always losing everything? Once I fully re-shifted the energy from other people solely to myself, I started immediately prosper. I understood just another thing in the process of healing from my codependency - every single adult on this planet is responsible for him/her self. I do not need to fulfill anybody´s needs and wants at all and I do not need to be anybody´s emotional regulator, emotional punching bag, bearer of their emotional and psychological baggage or prana energy charger. I do not need to fulfill anybody´s expectations, I have the right to solely do me because this is my life (God gave me this gift, not the narcissists) and its my birth right to choose my own path as an individual (not to be someone else´s extension). I also do not allow other people to make their problems to be my problems anymore. I am only responsible for myself and they suppose be responsible for themselves. I do not want to be anymore responsible for others the same as I do not want them to be responsible for me. Everybody is creator of their own destiny. Once I understood this, my life changed radically. I no more feel guilt for giving myself and let others to be responsible for whether they will give to themselves or not. I do not anymore allow the energy vampires to put the straw inside of me and drink my prana energy like a delicious free cocktail. Also, by choosing my own company rather than to be surrounded by energy vampires who do not add any value to my life and only draining me from my resources, my life improved drastically. I am now my own father, my own mother, my own best friend, my own husband, my own boss of my life. Today, my "inner parent" is here to comfort and parent my "inner child". Lately I plan on how to move out of my country to start my new life in Spain next to the sea. This country has been my dream since childhood and I always wanted to live there but in the past I let others to have my life in their hands. Now its time to take my life to my hands and create the life I always wanted. I consider this roller coaster karmic cycle completed and I am ready and very excited to start my new life. I remember the despair I felt few years ago, I felt nothing is waiting for me and the only way out is a suicide. And today, I am the most happy I have ever been in my whole life.

Today I practice self care and self love on a daily basis without any compromise. I treat myself as a priority, I nourish myself, I pamper myself without any guilt. I say "no" to everything that insults my soul. My soul is my temple and I do not allow other people to make a trash bin out of my soul. Today, I make sure I surround myself only with honesty and positive energy which keep me energized and happy and I do my best to contribute the same to people around me too. The moment I recognize any red flags in a behavior of any toxic individual who appears somewhere around me, I cut this individual off right away and I do not even feel bad about it. Because I know I have to take care of myself and my health.

The life is too short to deal with the toxic individuals and waste a precious time we have been given on this Earth. I understood one thing during the process of healing: God gave me a great gift in a form of my life and He wants me to use my life and my time wisely and by wisely I mean - to be productive, creative and joyful. And if my productivity will be also helpful to others, I guess I can call it "a fulfilled life". Anything else is an illusion. I do not allow any narcissists to mislead me from my soul purpose and take me away from light anymore as the narcissists are not God. They are not that powerful like they pretend to be with their "false self mask". They are actually the most weak and the most dark people I ever met. It takes literary zero courage to use and abuse people. But it takes a great courage, strength and a character to heal, to work on yourself, to be kind to others and to help others up rather than tearing them down. Everybody can be an abuser. Its nothing special about it. But not everybody can be a decent human. The greatest secret of all narcissists is that they know they are not powerful how they pretend to be and that the empaths are not weak like they want to portrait us. Actually, that´s why we have been abused because they know our true value and power. The reason why they are so passionately go after our self-esteem to knock it down is because they know that the moment we realize what they already know, we would be shinning brighter than the sun ... and that would kill them. So they create this illusion of power and control over us. But thats  only an illusion. So, please, do not let some little dark entities to take away your light. When the darkness comes, shine bright through it. And if the darkness press you harder, shine even brighter. Shine brighter and brighter until the darkness goes away. The darkness fears light! Maybe they betrayed you. But you shall never betray yourself! Protect your energy and do not allow the energy vampires to suck your prana.
I did not think in a million years that I would make it to this peaceful and joyful place that I am today.  Since childhood I really missed this one thing inside of me. PEACE. Funny how peaceful the life can become once you remove the toxic dramatic individuals from your life. But I did it. I made it. And if you commit to your healing, you will eventually join us, the healed victims of the narcissistic abuse and healed codependents, too.

I hope my story encourages you to stick to your healing journey, I hope my story comforted you and inspires you to do not give up. I know its hard (in fact, no words can describe the agony that the victims of narcissistic abuse are going through) but keep going no matter what, one step at a time. There is an end of the dark tunnel waiting for you and even it takes time and an inner work (nothing great comes for free) to get there, you will eventually step out of that tunnel, you will eventually heal and yes, you will eventually be happy again. This nightmare will not last forever. No matter how impossible it seems for you today to see yourself happy and healthy again, it is possible. We, all fully healed survivors, are living testament of the fact that healing from PTSD, C-PTSD and from narcissistic abuse is very possible. If we did it, you can too!

The narcissistic abuse leaded me to my soul purpose.

Once I was fully healed, I started to have this urgent higher calling for helping other victims of narcissistic abuse to heal. And not only to heal, but also to grow through their experience and finally thrive. I have still in my mind those times I was struggling through those bumpy roads alone and injured and I wished to have someone who would understand what I am going through. I wished that at least I would understood myself what I am going through. I was desperately praying for someone to be there for me - to help me, to encourage me, to educate me. The correct help would definitely helped me to speed up my recovery. Unfortunately, nobody came to help me and I struggled alone. Today, I would like to be that "someone" for other victims of narcissistic abuse so they do not need to feel alone on their recovery journey and they can heal faster and more efficiently.

And here I am today, being a coach who loves to passionately helping other hurt souls on their recovery journey to make sure they get the right help and also bringing the awareness about pathological narcissism, the hidden psychological and emotional abuse and codependency to the public. I do believe that the society needs to talk about the epidemic of narcissism in a more transparent way and more often.

My motto of my coaching is: Heal, grow, thrive!

Youtube video - movie Harry Potter "Expecto Patronum!"