So, you have been on the first dates with your person and your date shared with you a story about their traumatic past. Something bad happened to them. Now they are broken and broke. Honestly, we all went through some traumatic experiences in our lives, we all did mistakes in our lives, we all had bad days and bad relationships. As Kurt Cobain from Nirvana once told: "Nobody dies virgin ... life f*cks us all". What divide a toxic person from a healthy person is how they deal with their trauma. Are they running from their own selves? Are they avoiding fixing their issues? Are they hiding behind everybody´s back? Or are they courageous enough to take a responsibility for their life? These are all important questions to be answered, the best in the beginning of the relationships, so we do not waste years of being in the toxic dead end relationships.
Unhealed and traumatized people who did not take responsibility to stop bleeding are always jumping from one relationship to another without taking proper time to heal, to reflect on their life experiences and mistakes and they spread their negative emotions and hurt all over the place, they bleed on other people who never cut them and their unhealed trauma terrorizes others. Rule number one when it comes to dating - when we are traumatized or our life is simply not in a good place, we should not invite other people into our life. Period. We will only drag others into our mess and chaos and we will transfer our trauma onto them and traumatize them too. Its very important not to only think about ourselves but out of the respect for others, we have to take into the consideration their life, their feeling and their time too. Not everything is only about us. Also, we should never allow others to drag us into their mess and chaos when they are not clearly ready to invite us into a healthy environment and healthy space in their life. Traumatized people should not enter ANY relationship in the first place, they should stay single and take full responsibility for their own emotional, psychological and financial issues and problems. When traumatized people decide to date, it means they are trying to:
a) distract themselves from their own problems. They do anything to run from facing their own pain and issues. They want to party it away, they want to se*x it away, they want to fun it away, they want to sleep it away, they want to shop it away, they want to social media it away, they want to relationship it away, they want to workaholic it away. They are always super busy distracting themselves from healing process.
♫ Song Cranes in the Sky by Solange ♫
b) if someone is entering the relationship traumatized, depressed, unhealed, sobbing,
crying and financially broke, they did not enter the relationship
because they want to love the other person. They enter the relationship because
they want help and to use their new partner. They see their new partner as an answer and a solution to their
problems which will ultimately create the problems for their poor new partner.
Dating
when traumatized is literary the worst time to date. It will hurt
either one person or the other person. You know you are entering the toxic
relationship when you did not even
started the relationship and you already have to deal with the ex of
your new partner, love triangle, when the first thing you do for your
new partner is saving them. You do not know this person at all, you do not even know if this person likes more
coffee or tea for breakfast but yet, you already trying to fix their
family´s conflicts or pay for their car repairs.
Traumatized unhealed people should not enter any relationship. Instead of it, they should enter the therapy because only the therapists are qualified to help with mental and emotional issues. Nobody is responsible neither qualified to be a "DIY therapist" in someone´s else life. And we should not want it either because this is not how healthy relationships are working and we are entering the relationships because we want to be happy, not to make ourselves miserable. If we are losing our own well-being for someone´s else well-being, this is a sign we are in a toxic relationships. If we have to go broke and broken just to fix someone else and make them abundant, we are in a toxic relationships. If we can´t feel happy, healthy and safe in our relationships, then we do not have relationships, we have a crazy projects to work hard on and the relationship should NOT feel like a project. If the relationships are bringing us only a stress, chaos and desperation, there is no point to stay in such a relationSHI*Ts and SITUATIONships.
Nobody suppose to be a "DIY psychiatrist" for free, mummy, daddy, babysitter, ATM to anybody. We suppose to be just best friends and lovers and nothing else. If people have issues in their lives, we can support them by holding their hands and kiss them on their foreheads, we can hold a space for them so they can figure their lives out by themselves BUT they are fully responsible to fix their problems by themselves. A person coming to our life suppose to be already a finished product, not a project for us to work on. They suppose to be healed, their lives need to be well put together and they have to stand on their own feet. Otherwise, they are not ready for any relationships. An indicator that someone is not ready for a relationship is that they did not heal from the previous relationship, they did not fix their own issues, they did not take enough time to do the positive changes in their lives such as building their own business, career, home, hobbies, make a meaningful friendships, figuring out who they are and what they want, they did not take an appropriate time for healing and therapy, they did not take a responsibility for their state of mind and a soul. So, it means they are entering the new relationships unhealed and unchanged. The question here is: who will be dealing with their issues then? Exactly. YOU. Its important that we first establish a relationship with ourselves before we can establish a relationship with other person. Coming into a new relationship bleeding, traumatized and with a pile of issues and problems is absolutely not fair to the new partner. The new partner should never be a solution to our emotional, psychological and financial problems. Its not fair that the toxic people put whole their baggage onto the shoulders of other people the first second they enter their lives. The introduction with the toxic people is almost always like: "Hello, my name is .... and here is my baggage".
When
our new dates complain about their
previous relationships, share with us sobbing stories or share with us stories about traumatic past, let´s ask them these questions: What exactly have
you done or what are you doing in order to heal? What have you done in order to fix your
situation? What have you learnt from your mistakes? And we will see
the
answers. And we better listen carefully. Because if the answer is "I did/do
nothing" and "I don´t do mistakes", that's a huge red flag. It means, they
are dating us because they expect us to do the hard work for them.
They want us to help them and save them while they have zero intention
to save and help themselves. They don´t want to work on themselves. They
want to find somebody who
will fix it, pay it and clean it for them instead of them.
Behind the toxic narcissistic people there are always a huge number of destroyed people. The narcissists always search for new people who are vibing with high vibration, who worked hard for their resources, nice people who are smiley and warm ... just to turn them into the zombies only few months into the dating by dragging them down into the low vibration, sucking their resources dry and leaving them depressed and crying. Once they turn once shinning, healthy and happy person into a zombie, the narcissist replaces this person for another shiny toy ... until they break the new toy too and get a new one. Again and again. Rinse and repeat.
The toxic narcissistic
people are only interested in a love bombing stage of the relationships (the first highs of the relationships when everything is only rainbow
and sun). Most of them start to pull away the moment the relationships
start to progress into something more serious - they avoid
responsibility for themselves, they avoid responsibility for their
partners, they avoid commitment, they avoid bad days, they don´t want to
do any work. They are not here to give or to work, they only here to
take. They enjoy the fun in the beginning, the expensive gifts and
vacations. Then, when the relationships start to becoming more serious, they
take what they can, they rip off what is possible and they are gone to
the next love bombing with someone else. They are jumping from one love
bombing to another love bombing absolutely addicted to the highs like the drug addicts. The narcissists are only here for the easy fun part. They
are jumping from relationship to relationship not to enjoy multiple
people but to enjoy the nonstop highs of the love bombing. They want to feel high nonstop which is absolutely not sustainable in any normal healthy relationships.
The
narcissists are experts at breaking people down and destroying, but they
never repair, build or rebuild. They have destructive energy. They do not believe in repairing, they
only believe in throwing away once something become broken. They never
put any work into the relationships. The work comes always from their
partners. Once the narcissists push their victims into the sickness,
depression, brokenness, they abandon them. The narcissists let others to
deal with their mental issues, messed up finances, the narcissists put the whole
baggage onto other people´s shoulders.
The
narcissists are the eternal children always stuck in a child energy refusing to grow up.
They refuse to step into the adult energy and they expect others to
solve all of their issues just like mummy and daddy deal with the problems caused by their irresponsible teenager´s kids, they hide behind mummy´s skirt and daddy´s legs pushing mummy and daddy forward to clean the mess. They force others to take care of them like they are little children using others like their ATMs and babysitters. They are
destroying other people´s well-being, finances and self-love to cover
their selfish needs and wants on the expense of other people´s needs, wants and safety.
Healthy relationships are
rewards from the Universe. First, you have to work hard on yourself, on your
wholeness, on your healthiness, on your happiness, on your finances, on your mental state,
on your soul. Then the Universe gives you a good healthy partner to
mirror your high vibration and you can have a lot of fun together for
decades. Unfortunately, most of the people do it the other way around -
they want to have only fun without working hard on themselves and
without healing themselves first. And that´s why they attract the same broken
people over and over again and through their own brokenness, they do not
recognize their own blind spots - the other people´s brokenness. And
two broken toxic people just can´t create a healthy happy relationship. Only a
catastrophe. Healthy people attracts healthy people. Unhealthy people attracts unhealthy people. You have to become healthy yourself first to be able to recognize unhealthiness of the other person and to attract someone healthy. When you are healthy, you suddenly can easily recognize the unhealthiness of others. When you are still unhealthy yourself, the unhealthiness of others is your BLIND SPOT. The blind spots are exactly what make you end up in the toxic relationships over and over again. For sure you heard somewhere people to complain: "This guy is worst than the previous one! All men are bad!" No, not all men are bad. The right question here is NOT: "Why those men did not change?" The right question here is: "Why I did not change? Why I am the same for many years and that's why I am attracting the same over and over again?". You have to change yourself first and then everything will change around you too. If you don´t change, you will continue to receive what you were receiving for years. Don´t expect new results with the old ways of doing things.
Its time to level up this game of dating, don´t you think?
Lets heal first! Then rock the dating scene, bebe! Real love does exist. But it must find you working on yourself. And one day you will find someone who will treat you right, my queens and my kings! Good and great things take time but its worthy to wait for them. We want only the best of the best for us, don´t we?! No more BS!
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