The victims of the narcissistic abuse have been radically abused thus the only way to heal from the abuse needs to be also very radical. Practicing radical self acceptance and radical self love is a very healthy way to go. In most cases, the programming of a wrong software with a lot of viruses into your mind was done already in your childhood and once the narcissistic abuser came to your life in your adulthood, he or she only re-activated the old wounds of you not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough and not feeling lovable. The inner critic voice in your mind who sabotages your life and self-esteem is not even yours. Its a critical voice of someone from your childhood who has been implementing this programming into you for many years and you are now their complice by repeating this wrong programming to yourself over and over again even through your adulthood. This inner critical voice is a voice of a third party inside of your head who is criticizing you, minimizing you, neglecting you, abusing you, manipulating you, sabotaging you, silencing you and not acknowledging your talent, beauty, skills and accomplishments. You are acting out your trauma by exhibiting self hate, self doubt, self neglect and you self sabotage yourself. You are actively working on proving your worth to disordered people who caused you to have a low self-esteem in the first place by over-achieving or you completely neglected yourself to the point that you do not even try to achieve something because you have this wrong belief that you would fail anyway. You speak to yourself the same way as you have been spoken to in your childhood. The bad seed has been planted into your mind years ago and today you are struggling with the dark forest that grew out of this seed in your mind. Lets do something about it right now.
Practice a radical understanding (The truth will set you free)
The first step into the healing is to understand that your critical voice in your head is not even yours. Its a voice of someone else. And someone else is not you. Start to pay an attention to where you are ending and where someone else is starting inside of you. You are only responsible for the part till where you end. Everything else beyond that line where anybody else is starting is not your business and not your responsibility. You do not need to take someone else´s burden onto your shoulders. Silence the critical voice in your head by ignoring the parts of someone else. We all came to this planet responsible only for our own destiny. You are not responsible for actions or feelings of others, especially not for people who are disordered and cruel. You are only responsible for yourself, make it an inspiring place inside of your head. Next time, when you catch yourself feeling hunted by the old ghosts, focus on analyzing whether you are dealing with your own voice or voice of someone else. Most of the times you will realize that you feel depression for things that are not even yours. This depressed emotion feels like an alien to you. Its because it is. It feels like its not you or its not a part of you, it feels like a strange foreign object inside of your body. Its because it really does not belong to you. When the voice will come to you next time, focus on realization that the negative thoughts about you are alien non existent lurking shadow that is not yours, let the light shine inside of you reminding yourself that you are lovable and worthy because the program "I am lovable and worthy and good enough" is actually an original correct software that supposed to run inside of you right from the beginning. We all came to this planet worthy from the first day we have been born, the Universe/God (call it how you prefer) gave you the gift of life and an unconditional love for you and no human is capable to change it. You are lovable, this is your birth right. No other person on this planet has a right to tell you how you should feel about yourself, they only should manage their own perception of themselves, not someone else. Universe see you lovable and beautiful every single minute of your life, in your bad times, in your good times, all the time, since your soul exists. The only important relationship you have is between you and God/Universe and it has nothing to do with anybody else even they try to pretend they have some important role playing in this relationship while the truth is they are not important at all.
Practice radical forgiveness (Not what you think. You will still keep dignity after this, no worry)
Come to the deep understanding that other people (the previous generations in your family who raised scapegoats and codependents) have their own traumas from their own childhood just like you have yours and they are projecting their trauma onto you. Its little bit of a cursed cycle where the same traumas are passed through the generations (and you are the first one to stop it, how wonderful this is). You are the "chosen one" who can change it. And it is a very important and sacred role that has been given to you. Even it is a taught task as you have to heal not only yourself, but also all traumas of your ancestors too. Thats why it feels so heavy. Its hard to re-program the whole system that was built maybe even thousands of years. And your role in this world is now to make sure the curse will stop with you. No person on this planet has been born bad. What actually this "bad" is is nothing else than traumas that are being acted out. So, if someone is bad to you, its because they carry their own pain inside of themselves and they do not know what to do with it and they feel frustrated. The only way they know how to cope with the frustration from their own level of conscious is to hurt other people. They are re-playing their trauma again and again onto you, so exactly how they make you feel is how they feel about themselves and what they do to you is exactly what happened to them. Practice radical forgiveness. Forgive these people for being weak, in pain and damaging you in their process. It has nothing to do with you. Show them compassion by forgiveness and then show the compassion to yourself by turning around and starting to walk away with peace in your heart. Just because you forgave someone it does not mean you keep them in your life and allow them to continue to treat you like a doormat or punching bag. Your role in this story is only to forgive and walk away leaving nothing just a good wishes behind. Its not your responsibility to deal with their shadows. In a kind way leave them alone so they can grow and find their own way how to fix their demons as it is not your job to do so. Its their destiny, their karma, their task to remove trauma out of their system. It is only between them and God/Universe. You are not God to put such a burden on your shoulders. You already have your own task of healing. Once you leave, they will have no other option than stop focusing on you and turn inwards into themselves to start paying attention to their own pain because there will be nobody else around them to vent the traumas on. This is the paradox - you can heal them only by leaving them. Just like heroin addicts, when the addicts hit the rock bottom, they have no other option than start to fight for their own healing.
Practice radical self love (No sugar coating nonsense, lets approach it as realists )
When you have been growing up, you have been criticized instead of being praised for your accomplishments, you have been ignored or sabotaged when you did something right or nice instead of being encouraged, you have been minimized when you supposed to be celebrated. From now on start to practice "self-celebration". Everytime you accomplish something or even when you have a good day, celebrate yourself. You do not need to wait for someone else to celebrate you. You are a source of your own happiness. You only need to realize this. Go from helpless "inner child" mode to a powerful "inner parent" mode. You are an awesome being and a beautiful soul, you deserve to celebrate yourself. People want us to feel bad about celebrating ourselves and if other people will not sabotage us, we gladly self-sabotage ourselves with a critical voice in our heads. But the truth is that you deserve to be very celebrated. From now own, do not wait for anybody else to clap when you are winning, become the person who will clap when you win. And once you will master this "art", you will not even care if someone is clapping for you or not. You will just do you anyway. Acknowledge your talent, beauty, awesomeness (yes, you are awesome!). Open a champagne (or vegan banana smoothie:), buy yourself a nice gift, take yourself to the cinema for some good movie. Girls, make yourself a nice nourishing face mask. Boys, take yourself on that trip to see some football match abroad you always wished to see. Follow your dreams. Because you deserve it. You do not need anybody else to make you feel good about yourself. You are fully capable to make yourself happy without anybody else. Get use to the feeling of deserving good things in your life and you can start to train this by little steps of spoiling yourself every day with little things till you will feel more comfortable with the feeling of deserving "bigger" good things in your life and step by step move on to bigger and bigger celebrations. Look into the mirror daily and practice positive self talk that will help you reprogram your negative critical (fake) voice. The same way as it was so real and possible to program you in a negative way, the same way it is real and possible to re-program you in a positive way. Start to eat nourishing food, go sleep earlier (yes, this is also how to practice self love, with some nourishing strawberries and rest) and hug your inner child to let it know that from now on it has the first parent ever who will unconditionally love him or her - YOU.
And do not forget to be radical :) I am sending you lot of love.
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