The relationships have to have a consistency. Not only through the love bombing stage, but through the entire relationships. The consistency is a key. You can recognize that you are in the relationships with the narcissists when the consistency is only temporary. The narcissists do the investment in you only in the beginning of the relationships with the love bombing, it is a tactic how to lure you in (just like the drug dealers give the first heroin shots to their clients for free). But once the narcissists have their victims hooked, the consistency stops. The consistency with the narcissists is always only short lived. The love bombing is only a baiting game for them. They bait you with their affection, money, time, etc. to lure you in, then the consistency stops and after the love bombing is over, the narcissists become only the takers and the abusers. When the relationships are healthy, they have give and take dynamic. When the relationships are not healthy, usually one person is only the giver and the other person is only the taker (this does not include only materialism, but also affection, love, nurturing the partner´s soul, etc). The healthy relationships should be like the ping pong, the ball should smoothly flow from one corner of the table to the other corner of the table and then back, consistently. The moment the ball stops to move and it stays only on one side of the table, the game is over. Many times, people who are codependents don´t know when to stop playing when the ball stops moving. You can´t hit the ball from both of the sides of the table while the other person is just sitting on the chair and laughing in your face watching you do the work for both of you.
Your partner is first and
for most your best friend. And you are first and for most your partner´s
best friend. And if people do not treat each other like the best friends who are equal in the relationships, Houston, we have a problem. The narcissists always want to make either no investment or very low investment into the relationships with no risks involved and they want to gain great benefits from their partners while their partners have to invest a lot (their all), take all of the huge risks on their shoulders but they do not benefit from the narcissists at all. Being in the relationships with the narcissists feel like eating unhealthy hamburgers and drinking alcohol every day, it makes you extremely good for a little moment but for most parts of the relationships, it makes you only unhealthy, sick, toxic, it drains your energy and in the end, it only leaves you hungry. On the other hand, you can recognize that you are in the healthy relationships when those relationships nurture your soul, the love from your partner/best friend/parent is consistent, you feel safe, there are no extreme highs but most importantly no extreme lows. Healthy relationships feel like nourishing fresh salad and fresh orange juice full of vitamins and minerals. Healthy relationships make you feel energized and happy for most parts of the relationships with little low here and there (because nobody is perfect and life is not perfect either). But those lows are not abusive. The unhealthy relationships make you feel drained, unfulfilled and unhappy for most parts of the relationships where you experience mostly bad days, arguments, frustration, low vibration, neglect, loneliness and it has lot of extreme lows with only "breadcrumbs of happiness" here and there. Doctor Ramani once said something like: We invest 90% of our time into the toxic relationships and only 10% time into healthy relationships we have in our lives. In case of the codependents, this seems to be so true. The recipe for healthier life and happiness is to do it oppositely - to invest 90% time to people who are good for our well-being and only 10% for dealing with toxic people. Imagine that change in your life!
The
codependents are like the heroin junkies but not with the heroin but
with their emotions. They are "the emotional junkies". They have the syndrome of the hungry hearts due to their lack of self-love and that´s why it is so easy to trap them into the narcissist´s fun houses with cheap love bombing illusions. They become addicted to
other people very fast. And once they become addicted, they give their
all to others to the point they keep nothing for themselves. They deny their own needs and wants and they sacrifice themselves for other people´s needs and wants, usually for the narcissists who are ungrateful and vampiric. The codependents starve themselves to death to feed others.
There is a saying: "Where the freedom of one person starts is the exactly where the freedom of the other person ends". Meaning, if one person wants to be free on the expense of the other person, it automatically means that the other person has to become the slaver (or unfree). The relationships are healthy when you sacrifice your wants and needs only to the limit the other person sacrifice their needs and wants for you, equally. Never pour into other people´s cups when they don´t pour into yours. Otherwise, your cup will be empty, you will be dying thirsty like a lost tourist on the desert while the other person will be having a party swimming in the pool full of water (your water, if you did not realize it by now....)
Here is an amazing technique that will help you navigate through the relationships and to uncover and recognize users in your life. This technique will be your barometer for your decisions who to keep in your life (who brings something positive into your life) and who to cut off from your life (because they bring no value to you).
If you are dating a new person and you are the one who needs to take the first step, always give this person only a little at first (that little that if you lose that little you will not mind loosing it because you can afford to lose it) and then wait. If they are interested in you, they will reciprocate. The giving should progress gradually based on how much the other person is investing in you. If they are investing in you, you can allow the relationships to progress. If they don´t invest in you, this is the signal for you that you should not allow these relationships to progress further and you should end it at this point. The investment does not necessary needs to be only money or materialistic items. It can be also time, energy, emotions, love, favors, etc. (you´ve got the point). Always invest in people EXACTLY the same amount of everything they invest in you. Become their mirror.
Your giving should be always only a reaction to someone else giving to you. Never give first. Always give second. This will help you to clearly see what are the intentions of the other person towards you. If you give first, you might lose yourself in this game. You would be so busy and preoccupied with giving that you will completely forget to observe if that person is actually giving back to you. But when you always give as the second, then your giving is always only a reaction to their generosity or to how the other person is treating you. This will help you to have a realistic view on all of your relationships (friendships, romantic relationships, business relationships, etc). The relationships are not only about giving, it is also about receiving. Especially codependents have been programmed by the narcissistic parents to be only the extension of someone else, they have been thought that their needs and wants do not matter and they bring this lack of self-love to the relationships in their adulthood. They never received so they have a huge problem with receiving because they feel like they are not good enough to receive something good. Thus, they have been trained only to give, give, give. And over-give. Good decent people (and codependents) are always too hurry with giving. Do it differently this time. This time, make your game about waiting and observing rather than action. This time don´t be hurry to give to others. This time, wait until someone gives to you. Because you deserve to receive too. And then reciprocate. Give them back exactly what they gave you and how much they gave you. If they are very generous to you, you can be very generous to them. This way you know they are the right person for you. Its a signal they are the keepers. If they give you only a little or nothing, then this is the signal that you are not receiving what you deserve and you should cut them off. Never allow anybody to use you and never allow anybody to breadcrumb you because you deserve the whole bread loaf. You know what you are bringing to the table. So, make sure you are aware of what other people brings to the table too.
Treat
them the way they treat you. They give you one hour of their life? Give
them back one hour of your life. They make one step towards you? Make one step towards them. If they make one step towards you, don´t make two steps towards them, only one step! They give you their attention? Now you can give them the attention back. They can´t find time for you? Ok, bye Felicia, I don´t give you my time either. They asked you to go out? Next time
you ask them to go out. They invest one dollar into you? Now you can
invest one dollar into them. They do not invest anything in you? So, you don´t invest anything in them too. They don´t treat you good? Then, you don´t
need to treat them good either. It´s called boundaries. You don´t need to be necessary bad to them (don´t create bad karma for yourself), just cut them off because it´s not doing you any good to have low vibrational people in your space who are spitting their poison your way. Be only around people who are inspiring and with good vibes. No time for haters! You called them
or messaged them? Ok, now wait. One message or one call is enough. Don´t chase them. Don´t call them after you gave them the call already. Don´t
message them if you already messaged them once. Once is enough. Now only wait because now its their turn to call you and
message to you. One message for one message. One call for one call. If they are truly interested in you, no worry, they will
call you and message you back. If you are not important to them or they are
not interested in you or if they are busy with cheating on you, well, at least you can use this as a
barometer of how healthy or unhealthy, how good or bad your relationships are. It helps you to evaluate if you want to keep those people in your life or not. But you will never realize this or measure the give-and-take dynamic correctly if its always you who chase, give and take the action. You have to also create a space for others to show their intentions towards you. And you are creating this space for them by not taking any action at all. Just stop moving and start to observe if something is moving around you. Are they actually chasing you back? Are they actually giving back to you? Or is it only you? Sometimes no action will show you more than the action.
You realize a lot when you stop moving and just watch people around you. If you are always the one who is giving, taking the action, if you are the only one checking on them and calling them "How was your day?" and this all is not coming back to you, if this all is not reciprocated to you, then you clearly see that these people are not loving you, they are here only to use you and feed of you. It´s called one sided relationships and that´s unfulfilling. If they really care about you, the feelings, wants, needs and giving will be always equal and mutual. If people really want to be in your life, you don´t need to chase them and force them at all. People make priority only out of what they really care about. So, always keep observing how much people invest in you. The moment they stop investing in you, it should NOT be the signal for you to try more and harder! Its actually the signal to stop trying and stop giving! If they are clearly giving you the sign that they are not investing in you anymore, why are you trying to invest even more than before to save your relationships? They are clearly giving you the answer that you are not their priority. And if you give your all to people who give you nothing, then obviously you are not your own priority either. If they do not invest in you anymore, it means they invest somewhere else into someone else. It is not fair that you invest into someone who is not investing in you. If people stop investing in you, it means they don´t care about you anymore. Always observe EXACTLY what people are investing into you and never invest more than you are receiving. Rules of this "dating/relationship technique" is simple: Invest in them only when they invest in you. Don´t invest in them if they don´t invest in you. And if they stop investing in you, that´s exactly the moment and the second you stop investing in them. You will see right away who is here to help you to take care of your trees or who is here only to grab the fruit without the hard work.
And remember, people only invest in others when they plan to stay. If people does not
invest in you, it means they don´t plan to stay. They are only with you
because its convenient for them at this moment until they find someone
else. You should never be ok with only listening to big promises. Words mean nothing if the real actions are not being taken in the same time to match those words. It is not enough only to see the potential in your partner. The potential means nothing if its not realized. The narcissists love to "future fake" people. The narcissists promise you the heaven but in the end, they always provide you with nothing just pure hell. It´s so easy to verbally promise even the castle on the Mars. Everybody can do that. The words cost nothing. Its free. That´s why the manipulators use tons of them. Sweet talk is cheap. It means nothing. You want to see the actions ("Don´t speak, the words are not needed at all, just show me silently with your actions, don´t tell me your plans, show me your results."). If they want the future with you, they will be taking the actions to prove you that they care about you. Be careful of the narcissists and users who want all of those benefits of wifes and husbands such as paying with your money or having sex with you while they don´t want to commit. They want all the benefits of the relationships but they want to act like they are single. They want you to be exclusive with them putting your life on hold while they are dating another 5 people on the side and keeping all options open. If you don´t have the ring on the finger, make sure you don´t cook for them, you don´t clean for them, you don´t mummy for them, you don´t daddy for them, you don´t have sex with them anytime they want, make sure they don´t pay with your credit cards. These all should be only the privilege of the very committed people or wifes, husbands, etc. In other words, the friends with benefits should never receive your full service. We are here kings and queens and we don´t do the slavery thingy. Remove the slavery mind set from your vocabulary.
Your love for others should be always conditional until they prove you that they deserve your unconditional love. Because the unconditional love does not work with the narcissists. The unconditional love works only with normal people. The narcissists only play on your empathy. They use your own empathy against you like a weapon. Paradoxically, the better you treat the narcissists, the worse they treat you. They see your kindness as the weakness and they will exploit your kindness every single time. Your kindness is for them only an invitation to use you and to abuse you with your permission. The forgiveness to the narcissists is
nothing else than the permission to return to your life and abuse
you again. The unconditional love should be earned, not given.
Don´t be anybody´s "Bob The Builder". Don´t let anybody make you work hard to improve them for their next partner while they are damaging you for your next partner. You are not suppose to build anybody up. They suppose to come into your life already as a finished product. And if they are not the finished product yet, you have to see them at least working hard on themselves, taking themselves seriously, having their shit together, they should not make themselves your burden or asking you to sacrifice your life for theirs in any way. You can´t destroy your own life to save someone else´s life. You are not suppose to help them or build them up, its their lives and they are FULLY responsible for their own lives the same way as you are fully responsible only for yours. Because what can happen if you sacrifice your all for other people is that they can leave you and they will give everything you sacrificed to someone else for free. So, you have to always have your own career, your own money, your own home, your own shits together so in case someone decides to leave, it will not change anything in your life. Never allow anybody to depend on you and never depend on anybody. Independence will always give you options. Especially abusers love to make their victims dependent on them, this way they take the options out of the hands of their victims in case the victims want out of the abusive situations. If they are not taking any serious actions towards the future with you, if they don´t invest in you, if they call you only when they need sex, money, favors, "kill" the free time while they are bored or to regulate their abusive emotions through you and they just want to "vomit" their negativity onto you, then you know they do not plan to stay, they have no plan to love you and treat you right. If they don´t invest in you, it means they are planning to leave you somewhere in the future. You will thank me later. You are welcome.
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