"Emotional abuse is an abusive behavior that isn´t physical, which may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation, which most often unfolds as a pattern of behavior over time that aims to diminish another person´s sense of identity, dignity and self worth, and often results in anxiety, depression, sui_cidal thoughts or behavior, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). List of behaviors that are potentially emotionally abusive: intimidation • manipulation • refusal to ever be pleased • blaming • shaming • name calling • insults • put downs • sarcasm • infantilization • silent treatment • trivializing • triangulation • sabotage • gaslighting • scapegoating • blame shifting • projection • ranking and comparing • arbitrary and unpredictable inconsistency • threatening harm • forced isolation" (Source: wwwjoinonelove.org)
Once you manage to heal from narcissistic abuse, it is very important to learn from your past mistakes so you no more repeat the same bad habits, repetitive cycles, dysfunctional patterns or simply to make sure that next time you recognize toxic situation and toxic people way earlier and take yourself out of the narcissist´s mess immediately. Today I am sharing with you few "golden nuggets" for those who are starting their healing journey or those who found themselves somewhere in the middle of the narcissist´s dark circus and still feeling confused about what they are actually experiencing. I wish I knew all the following years ago. I did so many unnecessary mistakes in the process that I do believe that if I avoided these mistakes, I would heal and move on from my tragedies and rock bottom way faster.
The toxic narcissistic people take you away from your soul purpose, right path, from you life, activities, hobbies, career, money, happiness, joy and light. They literary steal your life. While you are in a relationship with a narcissist or even long after the narcissist discarded you, you feel trapped like a bird stuck in the cage. The narcissists either don´t let you go or destroy your life to the point it makes you stuck. You become a prisoner of their abuse even months or years after they are done with you because it takes you enormous time and energy to unstuck yourself, emotionally, psychologically, financially, basically in every aspect. The narcissists take you away from your own self only to mislead you into a very dark place and they leave you there alone for death. You loose your own self in the process to the point you stare in the mirror and not recognizing your own self anymore. You know you deal with the toxic people when suddenly you are transferred from a good place to a bad dark place. You will never end up in a bad dark place with good people who really love you and care for you. You might have a little bump here and there because nobody is perfect and life is not perfect either but overall, your life with healthy people will be easy going, fruitful and full of light. When dealing with the narcissists, you will find yourself in a constant survival mode. You are not living, you are only trying to survive. You are constantly trying to survive the narcissists protecting yourself from their drama, misbehave, nonsense, control, overbearing nature, manufactured crisis, etc. With the narcissists, there are only few good days and then months or even years of misery. You stay in the relationships with them only because of the hope that you will get that "golden period" back but what is really happening is that you are chasing a fata morgana in the desert, you see the oasis with the lake and palms right in front of you but no matter how hard you try to get there, you will never get there. In the end, you will just die thirsty in the middle of that desert. They will replace living your life to the fullest in a positive and productive way with some sort of a twisted "to do list" full of their bull_shit and your main goal will become to regulate their psycho moods, psycho actions, psycho lifestyle and psycho ideas. Your "normal life" and "normal reality" is gone now and it´s being replaced with some "crazy shared fantasy". After sometime, you are transferred from reality to some sort of a video game and fantasy land on Mars and you will not only loose yourself, you will even loose a sense of reality. You no longer live the real world, you start to live solely inside of your head and your inner voice will be replaced with the voice of your abuser. You will be walking down the street not paying attention to anything that is going on around you, you will not notice the nice weather and sun, the people around you, the fresh air, the nice park, the nice things that is happening in the world. You will be just locked inside of your head in the darkness imprinted in your mind by your narcissistic abuser like a prisoner and that is your only reality now. Interaction with the narcissists is "Wonderland" since the first minute you meet the narcissistic manipulators. When you meet the narcissists, at first, you enter manufactured fake "Cinderella dream" which slowly turn into another manufactured sci-fi fantasy psychotic nightmare. Just like in a video game, you just go from (mind) game to (mind) game, more away from reality every day. Even after the years of the narcissists leaving your life, you are unable to exit this dark video game and scifi dark horror movie that is being played inside of your mind. You know you have the narcissists in your life when reality was replaced with fantasy and sun was replaced with dark clouds.
The narcissists do not love you, they only want to control you and abuse you. Control is not love. Abuse is not love. Narcissistic supply is not love. Addiction is not love. Fantasy is not love. Someone destroying your life is not love. Trauma bond is not love. Stockholm Syndrome is not love. Acting out dysfunctional attachment styles and trauma is not love. Acting out abandonment issues is not love. Let that sink in properly in your head.
The narcissism is a valid addiction. In fact, narcissism is just a name for an addiction. Just like "alcoholism" is a name for an addiction on alcohol, the "narcissism" is a name for an addiction on narcissistic supply. The codependency is also a name for an addiction, it´s an emotional addiction, the codependents are emotionally addicted to other people and because the codependents are disordered, they are addicted to other disordered people. There is no bigger tragedy when two addicts meet and get together. The narcissists will destroy the codependents with their narcissism. The codependents will destroy themselves with their emotional addiction to the narcissists. The codependents are addicted to the narcissists in their adulthood because they are trying to re-create the patterns and attachments styles they have been experiencing in their childhood with their narcissistic parents. The reason why the relationships (or after math of the relationships) with the narcissists are so intense is because the toxic people activate your disordered attachments style and what you as a codependent consider to be "love" is actually nothing else than you acting out your childhood trauma, addiction and disordered attachment style. Try to take away the drug from the drug addict and you will see that the drug addict will suffer from the drug withdrawal symptoms and the drug addict will be in the pain. The codependents are in the pain when the narcissists leave them and the narcissists are in the pain when they are low on narcissistic supply. The same junkies, just different type of drug. All this mess started in the codependent´ childhood. The very first attachment we all experience is with our parents. And this will set the tone for all our relationships in our adulthood. All people you meet after your parent´s "programming", you will only re-playing the program (the attachment style) with those people. There are 4 types of attachment style:
The attachment is an alfa omega of your survival as a baby. If you don´t attach to your mother and father (or other caregiver) and if your caregivers do not attach to you and take care of you, you will die. A baby depends on its parents, it´s a matter of life or death. If the parents are not capable to attach in a healthy way to their child, it creates an enormous damage in the development of the kid´s attachment style and develop lot of fear and anxiety in the kids. For a baby, being ignored and not being seen by its parents equals death, it equals horror. The child is in a panic mode fearing it will die if the child will be not seen. Not being seen as a child and mirrored by the narcissistic parents creates an enormous stress and anxiety in the child and the child will take this anxiety into his or her adulthood and replaying this anxiety in every relationship he or she will try to form with people. This is how people with borderline personality are being created, this is how codependents are being created, this is even how covert narcissists are being created (or simply everybody with anxiety attachment style). They all have been raised by the narcissistic parents who are not capable of empathy and the more insensitive and cold the parents are, the more anxiety the child will form inside of himself or herself. If the parents will emotionally neglect the child, if the child will be often rejected by the narcissistic parents, if the child will be not seen and not heard, the child can even become neurotic, dramatic and hysterical. Not seen and not heard child (the child who does not receive an attention from its parents) feels like the child is going to die. Once the child grows up, this person who was raised by the narcissistic parents will take this wound into his or her relationships becoming either the narcissist himself or herself or the codependent. The narcissist´s wound from the narcissistic parenting is lack of attention (or excessive attention which is also toxic because spoiling the kids is a form of abuse too). Once the narcissist grows up, he or she will try to compensate that lack of attention for excessively chasing the attention from people. They become addicted to attention (Look at me, look at me, if you don´t look at me, I will either collapse or feel like I´m going to die). The children who were overly spoiled with excessive attention are addicted to the attention, they developed very entitled personality, they never received true love, only shallow attention so now when they are adults, they demand excessive attention and special treatment from people. The codependents feel like they are going to die if they do not receive the attention from the narcissists because this is exactly the dynamic they had as the kids with their narcissistic parents - always chasing the parents for the bread crumbs of attention and never get it. If you look once more on the picture above with the 4 styles of attachments, you will notice that out of 4 of them, only 1 is healthy and safe (the secure attachment style). The rest of them are all anxiety based attachment styles (whether the anxiety makes you run or chase). The codependent type of personalities (empaths or cluster B individuals) usually struggle with anxiety attachment style which means any problem in their relationships will be accompanied with extreme levels of anxiety. Whatever triggers the anxiety in you will either make you run or chase. The individuals who are suffering from narcissism that is closer to psychopathy have the tendency to be more on the avoidant side of the attachment style. The toxic dynamic between the codependents and the narcissists is the famous "chasing and running game". The anxiety driven codependents chase after the narcissists who run either because they have been triggered by their anxiety attachment style or their avoidant attachment style. Basically, the codependent/narcissist couple are two disordered people who got together and now they are replaying their traumas on each other. But because the codependent-empath posses the empathy while the narcissist does not posses the empathy (no matter if the narcissist is a codependent anxiety driven narcissist closer to borderline or a sociopathic avoidant narcissist closer to psychopathy), do your math which one of those two people will be destroyed and which one will walk away feeling nothing. Exactly. That´s why the narcissists always walk away from their relationships unbothered while people who possess empathy (no matter if they are healthy of disordered) will be destroyed by the narcissistic discard. While the empath feels the pain and he or she grieves the loss of the narcissist, the narcissist feels nothing about leaving the empath. Don´t be fooled with the "I am a happy narcissist" or with "I am a sad narcissist". The narcissists do not feel emotions the way the healthy normal people feel the emotions. The narcissists are neither happy nor sad, they do not emote. The narcissists do not posses empathy thus they are not capable to love, to be happy or to be sad. The narcissist is a void and that´s why most of the narcissists say often "I feel empty". When you see a happy narcissist or a sad narcissist, what is really going on is simply a management of the narcissistic supply. What is really going on is that the narcissists are either high or low on the narcissistic supply. The narcissists are addicts. They are addicted on narcissistic supply. When the addict-narcissist is high on the narcissistic supply, the narcissist feels the same "happy" as the heroin addict feels "happy" being high on a drug. It is not a genuine happiness. And this kind of "happiness" is not even sustainable so as all addicts, the narcissists too have to constantly run around garnering the narcissistic supply. When the narcissist is "sad", it´s nothing else than the narcissist being low on narcissistic supply which makes the narcissist to collapse or fall into depression. Just like the drug addicts are feeling miserable and down when they do not manage to get their drug, the narcissists feel in a very similar way about being low on the narcissistic supply. But back to the dynamic between the codependents and narcissists. The more the narcissists run, the more the codependents chase. Every normal healthy person who would see the red flags of toxic behavior would stop and leave the toxic relationship or toxic situation, not the codependent. The codependent instead of stopping, the codependent will try even harder driven by his or her disorder, disordered attachment style and addiction. The codependents will chase faster, they will try harder and they don´t know when to stop (basically, the codependent needs to collapse to realize it´s time to stop). The more the codependents try to please the narcissists who refuse to be pleased (because no matter how much you try, nothing is good enough for the narcissists), the more the codependents exhaust themselves (basically, they will try to please the narcissists until the narcissists will take everything and leave the codependents with nothing). Not being able to please someone, especially if you give your all, do your best and cut yourself into million pieces in order to please someone is a form of abuse. Everything that you do for the narcissists is being minimized, belittled, laugh at, disrespected, invalidated, no matter how hard you try, nothing is good enough, nothing is enough for the narcissists. Paradoxically, the more you try, the more disrespect you will get from the narcissists, the more you give them, the bigger idiot you become for them, the more you give, the less the narcissists appreciate you.
Because the parents of the codependents are very dismissive, withholding, avoidant and cold, this develop not only an anxiety in the codependents but also an abandonment issues and once the codependents get into the romantic relationships in their adulthood with someone who subconsciously reminds them of their emotionally unavailable parents, it triggers an enormous level of anxiety and abandonment issues in the codependents and it makes the codependents to go into a panic mode. The reason why the "borderlines" are so "over the place", dramatic, hysterical and have a very histrionic tendencies (oversexual, look at me, look at me) is because they have been raised by a brutal very insensitive sadistic ignoring cold overt type of the narcissists, sociopathic or psychopathic parents who had zero empathy for their kids so the kids became dramatic. The disordered parents payed zero attention to their kids or sadistically withheld all attention from their kids and that´s why once the histrionic borderlines grow up, they do ANYTHING" to get the attention (which they mistaken with love). Cluster B personality disorders are being called "dramatic personality disorders" for a reason. The kids are dramatic when they are ignored by their parents and their needs and wants are completely dismissed. If you are a parent, try to ignore your baby for 10 minutes when the baby is asking you for an attention and you will see that the child will start to exhibit a high level of discomfort, the baby will panic, the baby will start hysterically crying and throwing himself on the ground. Not being mirrored by the parents (the parents not emotionally support their kids, not validate their feelings, not supporting their self-esteem) has an enormous damaging effects on the kids. When a kid smiles at you and you as a parent don´t mirror your child back (you don´t smile back at your child, you ignore your kid´s smile, you keep a poker face), your child will become irritated, frustrated, the kid will try to chase you even harder in order to be acknowledged and if the child will be not acknowledged even after chasing you, the child will become dramatic. And even if the child´s drama will be not acknowledged either, the child will become depressed, it will lie on the bed depressed and not interested in the world around the kid, the kid will become apathetic. For a child being ignored by the parents equals death and an utter horror. Once this child grows up and become an adult, this person suffer from neuroticism, emptiness, depression and when triggered (especially with abandonment issues), this person might express himself or herself in a dramatic or at least more emotional way. Once the child grows up, this child will suffer from codependency (no matter if being empath or cluster B) and anxiety, now the adult and survivor of a childhood trauma and emotional neglect, this adult will swing often from being overly dramatic and overly emotional to being overly apathetic and depressed. All of these symptoms will be even multiplied and intensified because the codependents are programmed by their narcissistic parents to attract the narcissists in their adulthood and repeat the cycles over and over again so after meeting more and more narcissists in their life with whom they can re-create and re-play the patterns from their childhood, they will become more and more dramatic, more and more depressed. It´s a neverending cycle. Until you acknowledge your codependency and heal your disordered attachment style.
The
codependent´s and the narcissist´s inner child is an abandoned homeless
orphan child in a dirty clothes left alone on the street hungry and
thirsty in the middle of the night and in the middle of the winter. The
narcissists and the codependents become each other´s "new mummy" or "new
daddy" giving each other the fantasy of the perfect unconditional love
through love bombing phase (the golden period). The narcissists are
"happy" because they are stuffed with the narcissistic supply to the
ceiling from the codependents and the codependents light up like the
Christmas tree after being love bombed by the narcissists. They give
each other the attention they both never received as children. For a
while, they are each other´s perfect parents. Until the narcissist´s
addiction for narcissistic supply will kick in and they will run away
with someone who can give them new shinny better narcissistic supply and
become their "new perfect mother" or "new perfect father" leaving the
old narcissistic supply source - the codependent in an extreme pain
because with the loss of the narcissist, the codependent lost "the
mother" or "the father" and their unconditional love (or better to say,
the illusion of it) and this for the inner child equals death. Not being
seen equals death for the child. When you loose your mother or father,
you will experience deep pain and deep grieving. And because people are
not perfect, the new source of supply will never be a "perfect parent"
for the narcissists either. So, the cycle repeats, the "new parent" will
be discarded by angry narcissist for not being the perfect parent. To
heal from codependency and narcissism means that the codependents and
the narcissists literary have to grow up. Both, narcissists and
codependents are in a childish energy refusing to grow up so they expect
others to be their "perfect parents" with unconditional love for them.
To heal, they both have to grow up and become the "emotional adults"
giving everything they need and want to themselves (aka, loving
themselves with self-love instead of expecting others to do it for
them). They both have to go from childish energy into the adult´s energy
and take a full responsibility for their emotional regulation and
emotional immaturity. Instead of expecting someone else to become their
parent, they have to become their own parent with the techniques of
self-love, self-care and self-partnering. The narcissists and the
codependents are in a nevereding search of the perfect mother and the
perfect father in each other because they never had a carrying loving
parents when they have been the kids and it´s the love bombing that
creates the illusion of a perfect parent who loves you with
unconditional love, who mirrors back to you all the amazing qualities
and make you feel so lovable, fall in love with your own self, make you
feel your own self love. You love yourself because the narcissist loves
you. Codependency is a lot about letting other people be your barometer
of how much you love yourself. If they love you, you love yourself. If
they hate you, you hate yourself. You let people to decide whether you
love or hate yourself, you value your self only as much others value
you. You have an emotional dependency on others, others deciding what
will be going on inside of you. Once this "love" is being taken away
from you, it equals mourning the loss of your parent and a black hole
because you don´t love yourself anymore (again). Someone´s else love is
only a placebo that can be taken away from you anytime. That´s why
anybody who suffers from codependency will be always in mercy of other
people´s feelings and perception of them and if they will be not lucky
and fall into the hands of the sadistic narcissistic partners, these
narcissists will take an advantage of the codependency of the
codependents for pure sadistic entertainment and extraction of
narcissistic supply. Especially the extraction of negative narcissistic
supply is very painful for the codependents. The power of true self love
is that nobody can take it away from you. Once you love yourself, it
does not matter if someone loves you or not, if someone stay or go, you
still love yourself. You will be fine with them or without them.
Everything that comes from the outside sources (outside of you) can be
taken away from you anytime. Only what you create and build inside of
you by yourself will stay. That´s why people who rely only on validation
by others will always crumble down at some point because the validation
will be taken away from them at some point. Only people who are capable
to validate themselves do not depend on validation of others. And that
is being called the true freedom. De-programming from codependency means
you become emotionally independent.
The narcissists only want to own their victims like the kids want to own their toys. Once the narcissists are done playing with the toys, they will discard the toys and move on. A lot of narcissists will eventually come back knocking on the victim´s door again trying to lure the victims back into their lives. Especially the narcissists who have codependency issues (for example, borderline narcissists or covert narcissists) have the tendency to keep coming back because they have anxiety attachment style so every time their victims trigger the narcissist´s anxiety and abandonment issues, the codependent cluster B individuals will "go nuts" to win their victims back. Once the victims try to leave the codependent type of the narcissists, the table turned - now the narcissists chase their victims for a change. But don´t be confused with this "sudden lovey dovey change". It´s only the disordered anxiety attachment style speaking on the narcissist´s behalf, it´s only their trauma and addiction playing out, it is not real love. It looks like love but it is not love. The anxiety attachment style is the reason why codependent cluster B individuals might even harass their victims, threat them with suicides or murders or they will obsessively stalk their victims because the victims triggered the abuser´s anxiety and abandonment issues. This trigger can get as far as the narcissists killing their victims just to gain the control back over their victims. Remember, the narcissism is all about the control. The narcissists grew up in the environment with a lack of control so once they grow up, they become the control freaks, now they want to control their environment and all people in their environment. When the narcissists were the kids, they felt powerless because their controlling narcissistic parents were oppressing them with control and taking the control away from their kid´s hands so now when the narcissists are adults, they feel very powerful to gain the control over their victims (they feel omnipotent, like a God). That´s why everything happening in the relationships with the narcissists become a power struggle. The victims are constantly controlled by their controlling narcissists, the victims are constantly feeling like the narcissists are trying to over power them. The greatest threat for the narcissists is when they feel they are loosing the control, the narcissists can even become very dangerous in order to gain the control back. They do whatever they have to do in order to gain control over their victims - they might even beat the victims to force the victims into submission, they might kill the victims if the victims refuse to submit, etc. Whatever the narcissists do, the end goal is to put the victims and their surrounding under the narcissist´s control, whether is it in se_x or with money or opinions, etc. That´s why the narcissists prefer a very submissive people, they are easily over powered. The narcissists do not do very well with dominant people because it´s almost impossible for the narcissists to over power the dominant people. Or it will start a bloody war because the narcissists have to become really violent to do so. That´s why the romantic relationship between two narcissists will be so super toxic because both of the narcissists in the relationship will try to over power each other and non of them want to loose the control. Can you imagine to have two people who are control freaks in one relationship? If the hoover of the narcissists is successful, if they manage to suck their victims back into their life, the abusive cycle continues - after the love bombing and idealization, the devaluation and discard of the victims is waiting right behind the corner. Once the narcissists feel they secured their victims and gained the control over their victims again, the narcissists feel emotional relief, the anxiety is gone and "fixed" and they can "chillout" now. Their "comebacks" after the victims are gone (no matter if the victims left themselves or being discarded) is solely the management of the narcissist´s anxiety and abandonment issues and finding the "quick fix" to calm the anxiety that is originated in their anxiety attachment style. It has nothing to do with love. This toxic cycle between the narcissists and their victims can repeat even for years or decades.
The
narcissists hate their narcissistic parents and that´s the origin of
hate for their romantic partners in their adulthood. The narcissistic
men hate their narcissistic mothers (mostly subconsciously) and that´ s
why they hate all women and abuse all women. Every woman who will ever
enter the relationship with a narcissistic man will be hated and abused
by the narcissistic man. The narcissistic women hate their narcissistic
fathers and that´s why they hate all men and they are abusive towards
all men, especially in the romantic relationships. The female
narcissists will take a "revenge" (on a subconscious level) on men for
everything the narcissistic father did to them when they were the little
girls. The narcissists want and need a perfect parent they never had
when they were little and they are always trying to find it in their
romantic partners but in the same time, the narcissists hate their
narcissistic parents (consciously or subconsciously) so they project
this hate onto their romantic partners, they punish their
"victims-partners-parents" for needing them. The narcissists hate
needing their victims. The reason why the narcissists hate needing their
victims (and also why the narcissists lack of personality) is because
their controlling narcissistic parents saw their kids only as an
extension of them and never as individual human beings with their own
preferences, own thoughts, own feelings, own opinions and the
narcissistic parents never allowed their kids to individuate and
separate from the parents, the controlling narcissistic parents want to
have their kids in their "narc" clutches forever and control them
forever so on subconscious level, the narcissists (just like all kids)
want to love and need their parents but in the same time they are trying
to individuate and separate so every-time the victims try to love the
narcissists, the narcissists will be paranoid and see the victim´s love
as "a control" and they will try to get away from the victim´s "control"
(to run away or to be angry to their partners). It is a really twisted
fairy-tale. It´s the same as with the serial killers who hate their
parents. The serial killers do not take the hate on their toxic parents,
rather they go out and find some innocent victims who are in a twisted
way the representation of their parents and they will kill those
victims. In that moment, they did not kill the victims, they killed the
parents. That´s why sometimes the serial killers will shout at their
victims while killing them something like: "I have to kill you because
you never allowed me to go play out with other kids!" And the victims
are confused why the killers are saying such a thing. It´s because in
that moment, the victims are not the victims in the killer´s mind, they
are the killer´s parents. If you are with the narcissists, they do not
see you as a romantic partner, in their disordered minds you represent
for them their parents (you are his mummy, you are her daddy). The
narcissists want the victims to love them with unconditional love just
like the parents love their kids with the unconditional love. No matter
if they behave bad or good, they expect you to be there for them,
always. That´s why the narcissists are raging after you leave them when
they misbehaved or abused you because in their disordered mind, you are
their parent and you should stay no matter what (even if they misbehave)
just like the good parent would stay and because you left them, you are
a bad parent who reminds them of their real bad parent who abandon them
in their childhood so they have to severally punish you for that. They
will rage on you. This is the reason why when you come back to them, the
narcissists will punish you the same way the little kids will punish
their parents who left them for 3 weeks with uncle and auntie because
the parents left for the vacation. Only those 3 weeks creates a great
injury in a small kids and it is traumatic for them. When the parents
return from the vacation, the kids will run towards their parents for
safety but the kids will also punch the parents with the fist being
angry for the abandonment. But back to the narcissist´s "separation
slash individuation trauma". The narcissists are sadistic towards their
victims and they are angry at their victims replaying the trauma of not
being able to separate and individuate from their real parents so that´s
where the "running and chasing" is coming from. The narcissists want to
be with their romantic partners to be loved unconditionally, they need
the "parents" but in the same time they want to run away from their
romantic partners because they want to separate and individuate from
their "parents" and they are angry for needing their romantic partners
and not being able to separate and individuate. They hate their romantic
partners for needing their resources and support and not being capable
to provide for themselves. Having the trauma of not being able to
separate and individuate from their parents (to form their own self and
have a separate life, being an individualist instead of the extension of
their parents) will make the narcissists angry and they project this
anger onto their victims. Hurting the victims and running away from the
victims is nothing else than the narcissists repeating and acting out of
their trauma of not being able to separate and individuate from their
parents in their childhood. As Sam Vaknin said (something like): the
most loving thing you can do for the narcissist is to let him hurt you
and run from you. I said, the twisted fairy-tale. The narcissist´s
romantic partners play the roles of their parents and the "parents" are
being abused for not letting the narcissists to separate and
individuate. The narcissist´s romantic partners are also being punished
in a vicious way when they are failing to be the perfect parents. If you
really observe the relationships between immature narcissists and their
mature partners, you will see that the narcissists treat their partners
like the teenagers treat their parents. Sometimes the victims even feel
this weird responsibility for the narcissists like the narcissists are
their kids and not their romantic partners. The victims might even feel
guilty when leaving the narcissists because it does not feel like they
are leaving the adult, it almost feel like they are leaving their child.
The absolute toxic romantic relationship couples are those were there
is no at least one mature person, those were both of the people in the
couple are very immature. Then they will be punishing each other for not
being each other´s perfect parent, destroying each other with replaying
their trauma of not being able to separate and individuate. This
dynamic will be explosive and vicious. It´s basically like two little
very damaged kids entering the romantic relationship, it will end up in a
catastrophe. When you do not separate and individuate from your real
parents, you are basically not able to grow up. This process is crucial
in order for people to mature and grow up. If this process is being
blocked, then you literary will stay Peter Pan who never grows up. You
will become a child stuck in the adult´s body. That´s why the
narcissists are the "forever kids" and they are so immature. The
narcissists are like the teenagers - on one side the teenagers need the
parents because without the parents they would die, they are not capable
to take care of themselves, they need the parent´s care, support and
resources so they have to stay attach to their parents but in the same
time, the teenagers hate their parents as a process of trying to
separate and individuate from them and prepare themselves to become an
individual with their own personality and their own life. And that´s
where the trouble starts - the narcissists were not allowed to separate
and individuate as all healthy kids do because the narcissistic parents
are very controlling. The narcissistic parents don´t let their kids to
have their own life, their own feelings, their own personality, their
own mind. The narcissistic parents do not see their kids as individual
beings, they see them as the extension of themselves. More like the
octopus - the narcissistic parent is the octopus and his or her kids are
the tentacles. Every healthy and normal parent see his or her kids as
separate beings. Not the narcissistic parent. The narcissistic parent is
the octopus and the kids are part of her or him (the tentacles). So,
the kids of the narcissists never grow up, they never emotionally
mature, they are not allowed to separate from parents, they never
develop their own personality because they are being constantly
controlled by their narcissistic parents, the parents will tell the
child what to do, what to feel, what to think. Even if their kids become
grown ups. Forever. Every-time the kid says "no" or rebel, this creates
a great emotional narcissistic injury in the narcissistic parent and
the disordered parent will severely punish the child with scapegoating
because the control of the parent is being threatened. And the
narcissists are all about the pathological control. The narcissists lack
of personality because they were never allowed to individuate and
separate from their parents and to create their own personality. This is
the reason why the narcissistic parents are more less amazing parents
only while the kids are still babies. Because the narcissists have a
full power and control over the babies, the babies do not rebel, the
babies completely submit, do not question them so for now it does not
create any emotional narcissistic injury for the narcissistic parents,
everything is going well. The babies just admire the parents and always
agree with the parents which gives the narcissistic parents a lot of
positive narcissistic supply. The trouble in their relationships starts
exactly when its time for the kids to separate and individuate. That´s
when the kids start to be rebel, ask questions (as opposition of blindly
follow), learn to say "no", this will cause the emotional narcissistic
injury in their parents and it will threaten their control. The child of
a narcissistic parent has no free will and has to follow the
instructions like a robot with the "yes, madam" and "yes, sir" as the
child is constantly being over powered by his or her own parent. And
under every forced "yes" is suppressed anger and hate of the kid towards
his or her parent because the kid have to say "yes" even when the kid
wants to say "no". The "no" is not even an option with the narcissists.
That´s where the passive-aggressive disorder is coming from for the
covert narcissists because they have to became people pleasures of their
narcissistic parents against their will in the childhood, they had to
pretend to be nice and happy even when they were frustrated and angry,
they had to be robots instead of being creative and create their own
personality. The covert narcissists learnt in their childhood to
suppress all of their negative emotions and never express themselves
because of their narcissistic parents and that´s why they have anger
issue (even the anger issue is played out in the passive aggressive way
and not in the open way but it is still the anger issue). The
codependents are similar to the narcissists, the reason why the
codependents are in a great pain after the narcissists leave them is
because they also never went through the separation and individuation
process with their narcissistic parents and once the narcissists in
their adulthood became their "new mummy" and "new daddy" and the
codependents became the tentacles of their narcissistic romantic
partners and once those "parents" disappear over night, the
codependent´s pain equals of loosing the real parents. The codependents
are being an extension of their narcissistic partners and once those
partners are gone, those partners will take everything with them, the
codependent will be left with an empty hole inside of them and
everything they were is gone. For the codependents to heal, they have to
go through "postponed separation/individuation process" and separate
and individuate not only from their real narcissistic parents but also
from their narcissistic romantic partners. In other words, the
codependents have to stop being an extension of someone else and they
have to become an individualist (separation). The codependents have to
create their own personality (individuation). The codependents have grow
up.
In
many ways, the codependents and the narcissists are very similar
because they both grew up with the narcissistic parents so they are both
familiar with the narcissistic dynamic, that´s why they have lot of in
common. Why do you think they attract each other so fatally and often?
They are the perfect match (made in hell). A lot of toxic couples when
you study them, you will notice that one is the narcissist and one is
the empath-codependent. This fatal attraction is a generation curse -
the codependent is being raised by narcissistic parent, then the
codependent grows up, marry the narcissist, have kids who become
narcissists and codependents and this dysfunction is being passed from
generation to generation creating more narcissists and more
codependents. On repeat. It´s a generational trauma. That´s why the
narcissists "feel like home" for the codependents because they are
really at home with the narcissists, they always been since their
childhood. That´s why when the codependents fall in love with the
narcissists, you can hear the codependents say: "We are so close, we are
like one, he felt like home since the first second I met him." Of
course, you are a codependent and the abuser will always feel like home
for you because you have been raised in the home full of abuser(s). Just
like when your father is an alcoholic so your subconsciousness will
always choose to marry another alcoholic. Because the alcoholic "feels
like home" for someone who grew up with the alcoholics. Imagine that you
are being beaten for 60 years every single day and suddenly and only
for one day, the aggressor will stop beating you. You will feel weird
not being beaten and you can even miss it. That´s why when a woman who
has been beaten by the aggressor in her childhood and she grows up and
she enters the room full of 100 men and all of those men would be
healthy and only 1 of those men would be unhealthy aggressor, guess who
the woman would pick up from all of those men? That one aggressor.
Because the aggressor "feels like home". Why do you think that a man who
was raised by a narcissistic mother will abandon a good empathetic
woman and replace her with the demanding controlling manipulative
narcissistic woman and marry her? Because the narcissistic woman "feels
like home". The man basically married his mother. Our subconsciousness
never choose what is new but what is familiar. Next time, when you meet
someone who "feels like home" and you start to feel in a very intense
way towards this person, pay an attention to these feelings because yes,
you might meet someone nice that is really healthy for you and that´s
why you feel so comfortable around this person but in many cases this
"feeling like home" is just re-activated trauma from your childhood.
Let´s say that your parent is a narcissist. If you meet another
narcissist in your adulthood, you might very easily mistaken a trauma
bond with love/feeling of falling in love. Your narcissistic parent
programmed you in a certain way by developing a certain attachment style
inside of you (if you are a codependent, you most probably developed
the anxiety attachment style) and meeting the narcissistic person in
your adulthood will "activate" this disordered attachment style, it will
activate your trauma and codependent´s addiction. That´s where these
super intense feelings for this person might come from. People who
experienced trauma in their childhood and already experienced trauma
bond on the narcissists in their childhood are way more prone to develop
trauma bond in their adulthood when they meet another narcissistic
abuser. The trauma bond is activated/developed basically immediately.
It´s so fast. It´s like when an alcoholic who did quit alcohol 20 years
ago suddenly decide to drink only one beer. This person might fall into
the addiction again very fast and easily. The alcoholic "re-trauma
bonds" on the alcohol again. Healthy people who never drunk alcohol in
their entire life, when they drink one beer, they will not become
addicted, it´s not dangerous for them. But an ex-addict, only one beer
is already dangerous. Trauma bond is probably the most intense and
emotionally painful experience you can ever go through. And it is very
hard to break this emotional addiction on toxic person or people.
Because of this "hate-love" relationship the narcissists have with their narcissistic parents, they project this "hate-love" also on their victims. And that´s why the narcissists have a very "approach-avoidant" way of interacting with their victims - they approach you with a narcissistic love bombing in order to suck you into their life but in the same time, they always keep distance from you not allowing you to come close to them, they avoid you. This dynamic is a a power struggle. The narcissists will pull you in because they need you but in the same time they hate needing you so right after they pulled you in, they will punch you in the face and push you away. On repeat. I love you, I hate you. Pull in, punch, push away. Come here, go away. I leave, I come back. On repeat. They can´t loose control over you because it´s their pathology to be control freaks so they can´t let you go but in the same time they don´t treat you right either, so they punch you in the face, hate you and push you away. The victims of the narcissistic abuse never know where they stand with the narcissists. Are the narcissists staying or going? Should I stay or should I go? Is he or she nice or abusive? Should I flight or should I fight? I don´t know, so I freeze. You will be love bombed with the most loving (but fake) gestures you ever experienced in your life (level Hollywood romantic movies) just to be sucked into the "narcissist´s fun house" to be brutally abused like you never experienced in your life (level Hollywood horror movies), then thrown under the bus and once you run away, this will trigger the narcissist´s anxiety attachment style, abandonment issues and controlling issues so they have to fix their anxiety by gaining the control over you again so they will demand you to come back or chase you as a "relief pain killer pill" for their anxiety. The narcissistic abuse is a vicious cycle of always coming back for more abuse. Once the narcissists gain the control over you, once they secure you again, they have to abandon you again because being vulnerable is causing them anxiety too so they have to leave you. It´s causing them anxiety to be with you, it´s causing them anxiety to be without you. Having a narcissist in your life automatically means that you and your life will be in a constant chaos and mess. Very sci-fi mess. And it will seriously affect your mental health to the level you have to start to visit therapists or you even end up with a psychotic break down in a hospital.
The
psychopaths are a very separate category from all categories. The
psychopaths do not feel emotions, they do not need people, they do not
need narcissistic supply (unless they have the comorbidity with
narcissism). Because they do not feel emotions, they don´t avoid you,
they just don´t care about you, they don´t feel anxiety because they
don´t feel emotions. The psychopaths are just cold blooded animals and
their only agenda is power and money. If you stay in their way, they
will kill you or handle you in some way so you don´t stay in their way
anymore to reach their agenda Handling you is not personal, you were
just standing in their way. If you don´t stand in their way, they don´t
care about you. The psychopaths are not addicted to narcissistic supply
but they have their own goal oriented agenda. If they abandon their
victims, it´s because some other target was more resourceful than the
previous target. For them, it´s only about "stuff" they can get from
their victims. They want the diamonds, the expensive cars, the
properties, the money. They don´t care what they feel and they don´t
care what you feel. They might recycle the old victims if those victims
managed to refill their resources and regain the energy again, then if
the victims are enough naive, the psychopaths will find the way back to
their lives and continue to drain their resources. The psychopaths do
not attach to people in any way neither they are addicted to people in
any way. The difference between the psychopath and the narcissist is
that while the psychopath does not attach to you and is not addicted to
you, the narcissist also does not attach to you but the narcissist need
you because the narcissist is addicted to the positive and negative
narcissistic supply you provide to him or her. Basically, the
narcissists are just the "drug addicts" who are running around in a
panic mode in a manic way to get some "quick fix" so they do not
collapse. Just like the alcoholics and the real drug addicts running
around to get their fix. The narcissist is like the drug addict who is
constantly chasing multiple drug dealers searching for who can get him
high. And if they don´t get the "drug", they will feel very low. The
narcissists run from one person where they extract a little bit of
attention in a form of argument to another victim where they extract a
little bit of money to another person who gives them attention in a form
of a nice text message on their phone, then they run to another person
who will boost their fragile ego with flattery, then they run to another
person who pays their vacation and so on. The narcissists are busy with
running around collecting the narcissistic supply. The best solution
for the narcissist is to meet very high quality narcissistic supply
source (for example, very hot, very rich, very famous, very high status
person), then the narcissist might rely more on only one main
narcissistic supply source. But only until the narcissist destroys this
person too and the person will loose their beauty, age prematurely out
of stress from the abuse, loose their high payed job because they become
too traumatized to keep the job and they loose all their money to the
narcissist, then this source will be discarded too. Although, it can
take even two decades to destroy such a high quality narcissistic supply
source.
You don´t even need to go on internet to search for the signs of abusive relationships, you just simply know if you are in one by how it feels in your body. Real love makes you feel healthy. Toxic "love" makes you sick. Do you feel healthy or sick? Do you feel happy or miserable? There is your answer. Your nervous system is your barometer on how correctly people love you. When people love you incorrectly, you will become sick. Your mental health will be struggling, your physical health will be decreasing. Only real love and being loved correctly can make you feel healthy.
Unfortunately,
many people who experienced re-victimization in their adulthood by the
narcissists were already victimized in their childhood by the
narcissists. They have been trained like the dogs in their childhood to
be OK with being mistreated, neglected, abused, used, rejected,
controlled, gaslighted, their feelings not being acknowledged and their
good or bad emotions being suppressed. The parents-abusers in their
childhood normalized the abuse for the victims so once the victims grow
up and they find themselves in a romantic abusive relationships, they
don´t even realize that they are being abused because the abuse is their
"normal". Once you grow up in a toxic narcissistic household, you will
be choosing (on a subconscious level) to be surrounded by narcissistic
energy your whole life, it will become your repetitive pattern. Until
you acknowledge it and change it. If you developed codependency, you can
enter a room and if there are 100 people in that room and out of those
100 people only 1 would be the narcissist, guess who you pick as the
codependent? You would pick that one narcissist. That deep is the
subconscious programming. That´s why the codependents go from narcissist
to narcissist to narcissist on repeat their whole life. People are just
computers, what operating system was installed in them, they will run
the program. How to know that you are not healthy and you are suffering
from codependent personality disorder? Because you are in a relationship
with a narcissist and the relationship lasts longer than 5 minutes.
Healthy people would realize that they are in a toxic situation very
fast because they most probably grew up in a healthy environment where
toxicity was absent so the contrast between the healthy and toxic would
be very obvious for them. The healthy people would NEVER allow the toxic
people to cross their boundaries. Or the narcissists would be not able
to crossing the boundaries of healthy people for very long. The
narcissists would not even prey on the healthy people in the first
place. Because healthy people are too much work for the predators. The
narcissists are highly insecure individuals who has a certain agenda,
they don´t target healthy people with boundaries and healthy confidence.
The healthy people would throw the narcissists out of the door after
the first mistreatment or red flag. You have to be disordered yourself
to be able to be in a toxic relationship and consider the abuse to be
love. If you are in a relationship for long months or years while you
are being treated poorly and badly, while you are being treated like you
are invisible and a doormat, you know you are a codependent. For
healthy people abuse would be never mistaken with love. People often
rank success of relationships based on how long the relationships last.
The longer the relationship last, the more successful people consider
the relationship to be. It´s a wrong way of thinking. You can be in a
toxic relationship with a toxic person for 20 years and the relationship
can be still highly toxic. The more codependent you are, the more you
are capable to endure pain and to accept absolutely non acceptable toxic
behavior of your partner. So, paradoxically, the more you are
disordered, the longer you are able to be in one household with another
disordered person. The healthy person would be never able to live for
long with a toxic person in one space. The reason why you stay as a
codependent in the toxic relationship is that you grew up in a toxic
narcissistic family where pain and suffering was considered love. Pain
equals love for you. If pain and torture is not involved in the
relationships, you feel confused - "Am I even being loved when he did
not cause a jealous scene? Am I being loved when there is a peace at
home and she is not causing tension and passionate drama? Am I being
loved if my partner does not even want me to sacrifice my all and
everything?" You are trained that love must include suffering and you
have to completely sacrifice for love. Your threshold of pain is way
higher than the threshold of healthy people. It takes a really brutal
incident or brutal mistreatment for you as a codependent to realize that
you have been actually violated. Because abuse and crossing your
boundaries was normalized in your childhood so it is your blind spot.
You know you are a codependent when you leave the narcissistic
relationship and you crave and miss the chaos and drama. Healthy people
would not miss dramatic chaotic people, the healthy people would feel
glad to get rid of toxic people and have an absolute peace. The healthy
people would kick the narcissists out of the door and that´s it. The
healthy people would not go through the withdrawal symptoms like the
junkies-codependents after their drug - the narcissists left their life.
It´s the codependency that makes the codependents suffer. The healthy
people do not have codependency so they do not suffer. At least not on
the level of the codependents once they break up or being discarded by
the narcissists. The healthy people would heal themselves from the
horrific experiences with the narcissists way faster because they do not
suffer from the codependency. As a codependent, you miss to be overly
needed or you miss overly need the other person to the point of not
being able to function and when you are surrounded by peace, you don´t
even know what to do with yourself because you are not used to peace,
you are used to drama. Or opposite, you are so used to being ignored and
invisible that you don´t even realize that you live like a ghost in
your own life and not at least your very basic needs are being
fulfilled. Your needs are almost non existent. The chair or the lamp
have more needs fulfilled than you in your ghost town home. As a
codependent, you don´t cause the drama but you are used to be the
painkiller for the narcissist´s pain, their punching bag who is orbiting
around the toxic asses to be punched every-time the narcissists need to
regulate their negative emotions through you. You are the glue who keep
together all crazy people in the household so the household don´t crush
down. You are fulfilling everybody´s needs while they absolutely do not
acknowledge your needs. You are the peacemaker in the household, even
you sacrifice your own peace and well-being. Nobody in that household
sacrifice for you, it´s always only you who sacrifice for everybody. You
are the rescuer of the lost souls. And if you are a scapegoat on top of
the whole mess, then you feel like you don´t deserve anything good to
happen to you, being loved and treated right does not even cross your
mind because it´s something you never experienced so you don´t even know
you suppose to miss something like that. You are only used to be
treated like a trash. You have been treated like a trash by your closest
people the whole life so it does not even cross your mind that it´s
actually wrong and you should be treated correctly. You don´t miss what
you never experienced so you don´t even know you suppose to miss it. It
takes a therapist to re-train your brain or even normal people
correcting you by describing you how normal behavior look like or how
normal relationships function. You just sit on the chair absolutely
amazed with an open mouth listening to your healthy normal friend who
describes you how her loving husband is treating her and how everything
is working in their healthy normal family and you feel like you just
came from Wonderland because you never experienced a fraction of those
things your friend is talking about. Your therapist has to teach you
literary the basics about boundaries and start from the scratch with
teaching you self-love. You feel like Mowgli who just came out of the
jungle and entered civilized world. Whatever is happening to you or you
are experiencing as a codependent and/or a scapegoat is always on your
expense. The narcissists eat the expensive creme brulee but you are the
one who pays the bill (and on top of that, you are being left hungry).
You can´t imagine to live without the narcissist´s problems to be solved
and without their drama. The drama is a valid addiction. That´s why
people who dated too many narcissists, when they enter healthy
relationships with healthy people, they break up with those normal
people and run back to the narcissistic relationships. Dysfunction works
like magnet, if there is a certain dysfunction in you, you will have
magnetic attraction to other people with dysfunction and you will be
repulsed or not being attracted to normal healthy people, you will not
even acknowledge them. It takes to de-program from codependency to
change how your "inner magnet" works so you can start to actually see
the healthy normal people as attractive. The codependents are very
similar to the inverted narcissists. In fact, there are lot of
differences between codependents and covert narcissists/inverted
narcissists/borderlines but they have many traits in common too (the
main difference is that the codependent-empaths possess the empathy
while the codependent-narcissists do not) but the codependent-empaths
are dysfunctional too, that´s why the codependents always end up in the
relationships with the narcissists because their disorders are like 2
pieces of puzzles that fit perfectly together. They feed of each other´s
disorder. The puzzle of healthy people would never fit in any way with a
puzzle of the narcissists. Remember, when relationships are boring, it
means there is no drama and trauma. Boring is very good. The peace means
you have no problem and having no problem is a good thing. Healthy is
also good. When healthy people want some excitement, they usually go
play tennis or for a nice vacation. Only toxic people find abusing and
being abused exciting (or at least they tolerate it). Do you want to
understand the dysfunctional dynamic between you and the narcissists?
Take a popcorn, sit on a coach in your parent´s house and watch the
dynamic in your family. There is your answer. There where is your
dysfunction coming from. If you want to heal and you don´t know where to
start, start with making yourself a lot of popcorn. You know you are
healed from codependency when you are attracted to completely different
type of men/women than you used to be before. Before, you were attracted
to people with narcissistic energy. It almost feels like every partner
you have been with had the same energy. Once you are healed from the
codependency, you start to be repelled by the narcissists and their
toxic dysfunctional behavior and you choose now way healthier energies
to be surrounded with.
When you are around healthy people, you feel joyful, your mind feels easy-peasy, your soul is light, you feel relaxed and safe. Not only during the love bombing phase but through the entire relationships. You can easily recognize when the toxic people and narcissists enter your life because suddenly your mind gets darker and darker, everything gets more negative, you feel constantly confused, all over the place, they transfer your mind from a good place to a really dark place and they hold you there with their control, manipulation and drama like a prisoner. You feel stuck in their prison daydreaming that some miracle will happen or someone comes to save you. Suddenly, your life reminds you of a detective movie and horror movie. Everything just gets dark. This is not normal. Your usual luck abandoned you. The toxic people have such a bad energy that it will literary block your own blessings and luck. When you are with the toxic people, you will notice that you experience more bad luck, you have frequent headaches out of nowhere and you can even start to suffer from chronic illnesses due to stress the toxic people put you through. Once "they" leave your life, the chronic illnesses that even the doctors could not help you with will disappear overnight without any apparent reason. Once the toxic people leave your life, you will notice that suddenly you have way more energy. It´s because the toxic people are energy vampires and they live off of your energy. Your life and peace was stolen from you. You even can loose your job, your dream career, the will to do something with your life, all of your money, your friends when you have the toxic narcissists in your life and you stop doing the activities that once fulfilled you and made you happy. You just don´t care about anything. You get gradually more and more depressed until you just want to stay in bed whole day staring into the ceiling doing nothing. The joy is being sucked out of you. There is no joy in you anymore. Dealing with healthy people will energize you and you will feel happy and inspired, you and your life will blossom like a flower. Dealing with toxic people only makes you depressed, exhausted and you and your life will go to sh_it.
"They" suck the life out of you like energy vampires. With healthy people, life with them gets gradually better and better and this positive energy will have a positive impact on all aspect of your life. The healthy people are your greatest cheerleaders, always have your back and always supports you. There is nothing but love and respect. With toxic people, life with them gets gradually harder and harder, darker and darker and it will negatively affect all aspects of your life including your money situation, your job, quality of your personal life, quality of your thoughts, etc. When the toxic people will be finished with you, you will become only a fragment of a person you used to be and it will take you even years to return back to your own self. The toxic people in your life will be your greatest haters, envy everything good going on in your life and they will do their best to sabotage you. The toxic people hate especially empaths - optimistic innocent good people with good hearts and pure souls. God forbid if you also have some talent or something optimistic going on for you in your life. Then you will be hated even more. If you have a positive mindset, the toxic people will make you feel miserable on purpose as a form of control because people can control you only when you are beaten down and miserable. The more they beat you down, the more they can control you. They will destroy your optimism and exchange it with darkness and misery. That´s how you know. Because being in darkness and misery is not healthy and normal. It´s absolutely not normal. They will agitate you and provoke you on purpose and when you react to their abuse, they will try to gaslight you into thinking that you are the problem and they are the "victims". Once absolutely non problematic person will suddenly have so many problems that came out of nowhere that you will not now what to fix first. The toxic people secretly admire your light, they are attracted to your light but in the same time they are envious about your light, they hate you for your beautiful bright shinning light and they want to steal it from you and destroy you. The toxic narcissistic people hate you but in the same time they copy you. The narcissists have a lack of personality so they have to steal your personality. They have no personality and they have a bad character. Paradoxically, they are very good at hiding their evilness behind "fake niceness mask" so if you don´t know what you are really dealing with, you might even think that the narcissists are martyrs, heroes and nice people. Until they stub you from the back out of nowhere. The toxic people are like the spider - they trap you in their web like a fly so they can come to you anytime they want to suck your bloo_d. They come and go as they wish which makes your life unstable. They are angry to you that you do not provide them 120% stability while they completely destabilize your life. The toxic people want to keep an access to your energy field because they are not capable to produce their own prana energy and light so they have to keep coming back to you to suck yours. They will just keep coming back to suck you until there is no life left inside of you. And they will not only suck your soul, the toxic narcissists are also a parasites and users so they will keep sucking your wallet too until they will suck it dry. De_mons hate peace so when the toxic people see that you are at peace, they will try to dysregulate you, your energy and mood. Nothing piss the toxic people more than seeing that they can´t dysregulate you and you continue having a good day completely ignoring them. You can literary see the hate in their eyes for not being able to make you miserable the same way as they are miserable. "They" want to get inside of your head and under your skin and become your "handler". They want you under their complete control. And not only while they are in the relationships with you but even years after they discarded you and they are with other people now. They want to control you forever. The toxic people have controlling issues. When they can´t control you, suddenly you are labeled as "crazy". If you have a strong sense of self and you know how to validate yourself and your reality, "they" will try to manipulate at least people in your surrounding to turn those people against you and "they" will spread lies about you. Basically, they will do to you the same shizzz "they" did to Jes_us. "They" hate when you protect your peace, autonomy and freedom. The only way how to win the game with "they" is to not to play their game at all. The greatest "revenge" is that you walk away, heal, grow, expand and become happy, free, successful and at peace. And as Maya Angelou once said: "When people show you who they are, believe them". Don´t make excuses for bad behavior for nobody.
Are you ready for another golden nugget? Here we go: The toxic people have very poor recognition of boundaries.
If you are not careful, the toxic people can steal your mind by crossing your boundaries. The moment you feel like your mind is getting darker, look around you and try to identify who and what is causing it. Of course, sometimes we are our own enemies and if you did not integrate your own shadows properly yet, you can actually destroying your own life and you don´t even need anybody else to destroy it for you. Sometimes we have to correct our own selves because we are the problem. We should be always and constantly keep working on ourselves to get better and better and healthier and healthier. We can´t blame only other people for our own BS. But when you know for a fact that you are usually an optimistic non problematic balanced person and suddenly out of nowhere you feel heavier and darker, you better do the inventory check of your social circle. If you identify the toxic person in your life, remove this person from your life. And start to do the mental hygiene to detox the toxic person from your energy field - repeat optimistic mantras and affirmations until you take your mind into the more positive places, increase self-love, self-partnering and self-care.
To have a happy life is to know what and who to ignore. When you feel that someone is purposely attacking your mind and turning it dark, you have to very consciously pulling yourself from the darkness to the light. And I can´t stress enough and highlight enough the word "consciously". It must be a very conscious inner spiritual work. The second you catch yourself that your mind is getting darker is the very second you start to work on yourself. Choosing the right people for your life is a key for a happy life. Having the wrong people in your life will destroy your life. And no, you owe nobody. Don´t let people guilt trip you and manipulate you into thinking that you owe something to somebody. Stop acting like you owe somebody. You can choose optimistic life or toxic people, you can´t have both. The toxic people have very poor recognition of boundaries so the boundaries have to be set by you. And the only way to set the ultimate boundary is to walk away.
Another golden nugget can be found in a sunny garden. Why? Because flower can´t blossom in the darkness. Go where the sun is.
If for some reason you are not able to remove the toxic person from your life, then remove yourself from the toxic environment. Never fight with toxic people because you will get stuck like a hamster in a toxic dark wheel running in the wrong direction in circles. The more you fight with the toxic people, the more time you will waste and time is the most valuable commodity on this planet so never waste your time. You can´t afford to waste your time. Once the time is wasted, you will never get the time back. The best solution how to deal with toxic people is to walk away. No discussions, no arguing, just keep moving on, darling, just keep moving on. If needed, put them in their place like a real bi_tch you are (Rihanna style) but then walk away. Invest your time on this planet better. Go to the gym, start new business, start new hobby, do something productive. Instead of wasting time on narcissists, invest in you, invest in something that your "tomorrow self" will thank you for.
Dealing with the toxic people is the most unproductive destructive waste of time ever. The more you fight with the toxic people, the more lost you feel, the more away from the correct direction you will find yourself. Suddenly, you feel like they dictate your life, dictate you what to feel, what to think and what you should be doing with your life, they will literary terrorize your life. Free yourself from this toxic prison and boldly walk away from someone else´s dark circus. This is your life and you have to live your life as you wish, your life is nobody´s business, you can feel authentically what you want to feel, you can think authentically what you want to think and your life is only for you to live exactly as you want. You don´t need permission to live your life the way you want from nobody. "They" did no give you your life, it´s God who gave you your life so this biz is only between you and Him. Start to walk into the right direction. Just leave the toxic people in their misery they chose for themselves. You did not chose the misery for them, they chose it for themselves with their wrong choices and they chose not to work on themselves to heal and correct themselves and you are not responsible for someone else´s choices. Never fear to loose toxic people. They won having you as a decent good person in their life but you are loosing by having them as toxicity in your life. You are the prize here, not them. They are only the headache. You can´t heal in the same place where you have got broken. You have to get out. Flower can´t blossom in darkness. The flower needs sun to blossom. Go where the sun is. If there is no sun, you know you found yourself in a wrong place. And don´t be scared to loose people. Universe never takes away from you something or someone that the Universe does not plan to replace it with something or someone better. Tho, it usually does not feel that way when you are going through the storm. You might feel that something bad is happening to you, that you will not survive the pain but this is not true. Loosing something or someone is painful but it´s God speaking in your life. God is removing from your life toxicity so He can replace it with good energy. The cleaning process is painful but the results are positive for you in the long run. Just like it´s annoying to clean your home but once the home is clean, you are happy that you hustled a bit with the mop and took the smelly garbage out. How many times you went through some loss and later in life you looked back and you actually realized that it was done for your highest good and you are actually glad it happened? More times than not. God see behind the corner, you don´t. So, trust the Universe a little bit more that the Universe already has a plan for you, you just have to be strong to push through the storm. Release the control, completely submit to the Universe, you are being taken care of by the Universe, the Universe has your back, always. Go sleep and leave it to God. The more you are trying to be in control of something that is controlled by the Universe and you are not in control at all, the more pain you are causing to yourself. Sometimes God has to break your heart to save your soul.
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And my last golden nugget is a strategy that I would like to share with you so you can implement it to your life. It will help you to shift your energy towards higher vibrations and better life. This strategy will help you to determine what and who to choose for your life. The basic rule of this strategy is never to choose anything that does not 100% support your good health, happiness, abundance and optimism. Anything that does not belong to everything listed above should go from your life, no excuses. Not everything and everybody deserve an access to you. Keep in your life only what makes your life better and high quality. If something or someone does not feel healthy for you, you radically accept this fact without creating the excuses. Anything negative and toxic (food, people, jobs, places, whatever) has nothing to do in your life. You should always put your mental health first and everything else comes secondary. Because without the first, you will not have the second. You should no more choose anything that is toxic, make it a strict rule in your life. It´s about the commitment you take seriously. Do the right decision every day, every step, every move, every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every words, every action. The toxic people from your past do not deserve a free rent in your head anymore. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Period. Not even for a discussion.
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