That was a beginning of my healing journey. After I passed my “depression healing stage” and I finally was able to get out of the bed, I slowly transitioned into my “savage era”. My “savage era” was a healing stage where I felt very angry trying to process my anger. I concentrated majority of my anger into my work. I used my anger as a fuel to improve at least the materialistic aspect of my life.
pic1
My anger gave me the drive. It was toxic but at the same time, it was the healthiest way how to cope with my anger at that time. It was definitely healthier than to partying and drinking or running around and spreading my trauma onto others or to date men while I´m unhealed or whatever other unhealthy copying mechanism. It was not ideal but at that time, it was the healthiest decision I could do for myself. I did not have that many other options anyway. I was just constantly hustling. I mean, what else I supposed to do? Everything else was stolen from my life. All I had that time was my job. And I clung onto my job like my life depended on it.
2-5
I had no family, no friends, no man, all of those narcissistic individuals betrayed me and left me for d3ath. I was too depressed to do my hobbies. I did not have kids. My home was stolen and destroyed. There was literary nothing in my life to live for. You know who are the most dangerous people on the planet? Those who lost everything. Me. The savage. I was hustling like I have nothing to lose. Because I had nothing to lose. And that became my super power.
6-8
In this era, I definitely went full into my masculine energy. Women usually become very masculine when they were hurt by men. You know that a man is abusive and toxic when he pushes you into a defensive masculine energy and into a survival mode. Healthy loving man will let you rest in your feminine energy. The feminine energy is very relaxing type of energy but in order for a woman to be relaxed, she has to be surrounded by a healthy man who is not forcing on her some BS and drama. The toxic men do not create the right environment for a woman to sit in her feminine energy.
9-10
Women with a very masculine energy are trying to protect themselves with their own masculinity. In a healthy world, the woman supposed to be in her healthy feminine energy while man supposed to be in his healthy masculine energy protecting his woman. But unfortunately, we live in a messed-up society where lot of men are in their toxic hurt masculine energy which usually turn them into the aggressive predators and instead of protecting the women, they are abusing them. Then, these abused women do not have any other choice than to protect themselves by pushing their own masculinity in front of them and use it as a shield. Protecting women is a man´s job but what do to when there are no healthy men to protect the women? The women have to take on the man´s job and become masculine themselves. I was in my savage masculine energy a lot at those times. I wish I had some healthy men around me to treat me right so I could be a princess in pink dress but instead of that, I was surrounded by abusive men since childhood, so I had to do what I had to do out of necessity.
11-12
I was not necessary happy in my masculine role, but I personally believe that every stage of your life requires different version of you and every stage of our life plays an important role in your healing and evolution and that particular time, I needed to be masculine to push forward through all of my life challenges such as cleaning the financial mess that both narcissistic exes left me in, making my own paper, building my new home and working in an aggressive environment that corporation definitely is. I did not have any other option. I was fighting for my life. And I was fighting like a real warrior, like the real b_itch. I called this my "Rihanna mode" lol. I was not fu_cking around. Through my life, due to multiple narcissistic abuses, I lost everything multiple times. So, as you can imagine, there was a lot of hustling needed to be involved to rebuild my life. I was absolutely determined to take myself out of the dark place where the satttanic narcissists pushed me in and I knew there is nobody coming to help me. I was hustling in corporation and things started to go well for me. I have got promotion, pay rise, multiple times, our team won contests that brought me a good name and recognition, I did some dope projects that I am very proud of, I started my side hustle that started to do good. And from there, I finally felt that I am going somewhere.
Youtube video: 69 - Comeback
Youtube song: Drake – Started from The Bottom
Youtube song: Eve – Who´s That Girl?
Youtube song: Miss Red – Never Will
Youtube song: Megan Tee Stallion – NDA
Youtube song: Drake – Started from The Bottom
Youtube song: Eve – Who´s That Girl?
Youtube song: Miss Red – Never Will
Youtube song: Megan Tee Stallion – NDA
Youtube 10 min. video: Rihanna – AntiDiary
13-15
I guess that the real anger arose within me when I came around the term “narcissism” and “narcissistic abuse” on internet for the first time and I started to read all of those articles on narcissistic tactics how the narcissists abuse their victims, how they purposely and sadistically destroy innocent people´s lives. I started to learn all of that terminology and what it means. I started to properly educate myself on this topic. And that´s when I started to be fffff angry. Because suddenly I started to realize a lot of things. I was abused my whole life and I did not even properly realize it. I did not realize that I was abused. What a paradox, isn´t it? How you can´t know that you were abused when you went through so much brutality, right? But I did not. My abusers normalized abuse for me in my childhood, so it was my blind spot. Abuse was my normal. It took me a proper education on narcissistic abuse to understand that I was actually ffff abused !!!
16-19
For the first time in my life, I fully realized what was done to me. For the first time in my life, everything started to make sense to me. My childhood, my toxic friendships, the fu_cked up “boyfriends” I was dating…. I was in an awakening process. For the first time in my life, the clarity entered my life. For the first time in my life, I did not feel confused. I was living in an utter confusion my entire life because the narcissists were constantly trying to gaslight the he11 out of me. My brain was turned into a mash potato often. After I fully awakened to the fact that I was narcissistically abused, I turned into a raging machine. I WAS FFFFF ANGRY! And righteously !!!
20
So much anger and hate arose within me against my abusers. I went ballistic. I was so angry and pissed off. I had a really hard times managing my internal anger. I was not taking my anger onto others but inside of me, I was like a volcano. And it took me couple of years to heal myself and calm down my anger. Those were also the years when I decided to stay single and on celibacy. Honestly, I completely lost interest in all relationships. I did not want friends, I did not want boyfriends. I did not want a d1ck. F_uck that shi_t … I promised myself that nobody will ever hurt me again. I promised myself that I will never allow anybody to come close to me to do to me the shizzz the abusers did to me in the past.
21-28
I never came close to anybody ever since. I mean, I am very polite, nice, kind, friendly person and I genuinely love people, but I also keep all people at arm´s length. So, they can´t hurt me again and they can´t cause a damage to my life again. I did not want to deal with emotions of others anymore. Emotions of other people felt very draining to me. I was experiencing “the emotional burnout” known in psychology as “a compassion fatigue”. I guess, it´s because I was raised and spent most of my life in a very chaotic, unstable and dramatic environment surrounded by a lot of narcissists who were very toxic, and they constantly tried to drain my emotions and it all came to the point where I just wanted my peace and the only way how I could achieve my peace was to isolate myself and avoid all people. I did not want to deal with anybody´s BS anymore.
29-33
The narcissists bring a lot of chaos and confusion into your life, both, internally and externally. They take your emotions on a roller-coaster and they turn your environment into a dark crazy NarcyLand. I am a structured person, a creature of habit, I have my rituals, I have my regime, I need my proper sleeping schedule, I have to focus on my diet, I need peace so I can focus on working, etc. This is not possible when you are surrounded by the narcissists. The second the narcissists appear near you, they will turn your life upside down, no level of organization skills will keep that messy shizzz under the control, everything will suddenly go out of control, your finances, your mood, your life, your eating, your sleeping, everything. The narcissists will turn your sanctuary and your temple into a chaotic dramatic, toxic circus, they will turn your relaxed emotions into neuroticism.
34-37
I can´t deal with this shizzz anymore. I really can´t. I was ready to be rather forever single and on celibacy than if I have to go through this shizzz one more time. If you are messy and chaotic, stay away from me! In those particular times, I completely lost any interest in humanity or humans. I wanted to prevent some crazy m0therfuckers to torture my emotions again. Enough was enough. At that point, I was f….ing done. I was legit done. I was not hurting people or anything like that, but I definitely turned into a selfish and self-absorbed person. I was like a horse with the eye blinders on. I just wanted to mind my own business and I wanted all people to let me fuc…ing be. The narcissistic abuse definitely thought me the ultimate karmic lesson on self-love and it though me everything I had to know about filling my own cup.
My feminine energy returned but it took me years and a lot of inner work and therapy to recover it. Self-love definitely saved my life.
38-40
I felt like a prisoner so many years. Especially because of my controlling narcissistic mother and both of my controlling narcissistic exes. They all constantly tried to control me until it felt like they are devouring me. I could not breath because they were trying to constantly overpower me treating me like an object. I stopped to feel like a human being around them. Like I did not have the right to have my own mind, my own thoughts, my own needs and wants, my own life, like I did not have the right being my own person with my own identity and sovereignty. It took me years of healing to stop feeling like an object and start to feel like a breathing human being with feelings. The narcissists do not see you as a separate being, they see you only as an extension of themselves. The narcissist is the octopus, and you are just their tentacle. In the narcissist´s eyes, you are part of them.
41-43
The narcissists do not see you as a separate being. The narcissists automatically assume that you should like what they like, you should do what they say, you should feel what they feel. They don´t even consider the fact that you can actually want something else, or you might have a different opinion. You are their tentacle. They will take you to the restaurant and order the food for you without even asking what you want to eat. They just order you “a sandwich with tuna” and they don´t give a three flying fff that you hate tuna, and you are actually a vegan. You are just the tentacle for them. They like tuna so you should like tuna too. They don´t even discuss the order with you. Here is the tuna so shut the fff up and eat that shizzz!!! You are enmeshed with the narcissists, so you don´t recognize anymore where you end and where they begin inside of you. I knew that the only way out of this cage for me is to individuate and separate from them. On all levels. In a very radical way. I just had to take a knife and I had to cut my tentacle off of their body.
Youtube Shorts: Process of Individuation & Separation
44-49
The only way you can separate and individuate from the narcissists is to go no contact. The narcissists don´t understand boundaries and they don´t do boundaries thus whatever boundaries you try to establish with them will be never respected. So, you basically do not even have any other choice than cut them completely off to finally be able to be your own person. To feel for yourself, to think for yourself and not being nonstop told how you should be feeling and being dictated what you should be thinking. Being my only source of everything finally brought me the freedom I was always craving for. Tho, it took me years to come to this point. It did not happen overnight. The healing took me years, the de-programming and re-programming took me years, the financial recovery took me years. I found my freedom when I gave myself the paper, the building, the love, the energy, my career, my soul, my thoughts, my joy. I gave myself literary everything, nothing was left outsourced. Finally, I was (re)discovering my own essence and personality. The part of the individuation and separation process was also to grow up. The narcissists are always trying to either parentify you or infantilize you. Sometimes, they even parentify and infantilize you, both at the same time. You have to break this toxic cycles with the narcissists. You have to stop being responsible for other adults, stop letting them parentifying you in order to take care of them like they are your kids. They are adults and they are fully responsible for themselves. Also, stop let the narcissists to infantilize you by making you feel powerless like you are a little kid. You have to grow up. You are an adult, you don´t need a parent figure. You have to become your own parent. The narcissists infatilize you, so you feel like a little child depended on their resources, love and validation. The narcissists have several abandonment, rejection and controlling issues so they are always trying to control people and make them stuck in their cages. They literary put the claws inside of you and don´t let you go or freely breath. Bird baby, it´s time to fly out of the cage and get your freedom!
50
The more I was healing my trauma, the more I was free from my trauma. And finally, I was able to start discovering who I was without that trauma. For most parts of my life, I was traumatized so I never knew who I was without my trauma. I always thought that my trauma is my personality. But once I healed, I realized that my personality is separated from my trauma. My personality is who I am, and my trauma is what happened to me. But because my trauma was so severe, I mistakenly thought that my trauma is my personality which was not true. My trauma made me function and behave in a certain way, my trauma made me feel and think in a certain way but once I removed trauma out of my system, a whole new world opened to me. I discovered a completely different person in me. And I am still discovering myself. I mean, my real me. Me, the new version of me that lives without trauma. I am now discovering my real personality for the first time in my life.
51-56
I feel like I am living my life as a separate being for the first time in my life instead of living a life of other people. And I must say it pissed off a lot of narcissists from my past. They are angry to me. They are angry because they can´t control me anymore, they can´t have power over me, they can´t treat me like their possession. I am my own person now. I am 100% free person. I am not claiming that I am perfect, I am still trying to figure myself out, but I must say that I love my freedom more than anything else in this world. At first, it was scary to cut off my tentacle from their octopus. But finally, I am in charge of my life, and nobody can control me. Sometimes I do the right decisions, sometimes I mess up, some days I feel like "the real biaaatch" and I still have some days when I feel like a hot mess but at least I am my own person, I have my own life and it´s only mine. Only I can decide for my own self. I decide what to think, what to feel, what I need, what I like and what I want to do.
57-63
If you depend on other people´s source, you will always be a beggar who begs for other people´s breadcrumbs. Fill your own cup, become your own source of everything. Stop outsourcing. Stop being dependable on other people´s sources. It´s a trap. Start giving yourself everything you ever wanted other people to give you. You will start to live way happier life when you stop having expectations towards other people and instead, you start giving yourself everything you need and want. This will decrease your anger and frustration you feel towards others when they don´t give you what you expected, when they don´t meet your expectations. You are unhappy only when you have expectations towards others.
64-69
Expectations about what you think they should give to you, what you think they should build for you and how they should be building it, what they should do to make you happy. Today, I am never angry. Because I have zero expectations towards others. I just build and live my life exactly the way I want so I don´t need to be angry to others. I am in charge of my life. I take full responsibility for everything in my life. Whether I do good or mess up. But at least, it´s my life. And this way, it makes my life way happier and easier. I fill up my own cup. I wait for nobody for anything.
70-73
I guess where the troubles start in abusive toxic relationships is when the abuser and the victim connect through their emptiness and void. The abuser is empty. The victim is empty. And they both expect that the other person is responsible to fill their void. Which will never happen so the anger and frustration appear on both of the sides. This is why filling your own cup is very important. Nobody is responsible to fill up your cup. Make yourself happy and don´t expect other people to make you happy. You are angry to them for not making you happy but making you happy was never their job in the first place. Happiness is something you can´t find outside of yourself. You can´t find it in other people, you can´t find it in money, job, vacation, new shoes. It´s 100% inner job and you have to find it solely inside of yourself. Once you learn how to make yourself happy, you will literary do not need anybody for anything. And you will be very happy. In fact, making yourself happy is the only way to make yourself happy. There is no other way.
74-80
There is nothing to be found outside of you. Everything you need is within you. You can´t find happiness in other people or in other stuff, places, etc. You have to find it inside of you. When you are thirsty and hungry, you will always turn into a desperate beggar. The only way to stop being desperate beggar is to make yourself your own cup of tea and bake your own bread. And then drink and eat what you created. Nourish your own self. When you go grocery shopping hungry, you buy all kind of BS, right? The chips, the chocolate, the frozen pizza. Because you go shopping desperate. It´s the same with the abusive toxic relationships. If you are thirsty and hungry, you will allow all kind of garbage into your life out of desperation. To attract way healthier experiences, you have to first heal from within, so you stop the desperation, you stop the hunger, you stop the thirst. And once you feel good, fulfilled and healthy, then you go out to meet people. Never go out to meet people when you are hungry, only when you ate, and your belly is full. When you go grocery shopping right after the lunch and your belly is full of healthy yummy, you have a better chance to make the shopping saner and to buy a high-quality food rather than some quick unhealthy snacks. Stop begging people for love like a homeless beggar and come home into your own soul. Stop being a homeless inside of your own self.
81-87
Give yourself the love you are begging people to give you. You don´t need those people at all, you are fully capable to give it to yourself. Universe is teaching you to become whole through the karmic lessons. And the main karmic lesson for you to learn is to love yourself and become whole. The biggest karmic lesson in dealing with the narcissists is to heal from codependency, step into your own power, learn to say “no” with confidence, put yourself first and to love yourself. Everything ugly you went through with the narcissists was leading you to your own wholeness and self-love. It was teaching you to take the focus back to you. It´s time to live for yourself because with the narcissists, you were only dying. Every narcissist you met was taking you closer and closer to your own true self, to your self-love and your self-worth. This whole battle was a battle for your self-worth. Battle with the narcissists for your worth was exhausting but, in the end, you won yourself back and now you are your own person. When you realize your own self-worth and value, from that moment you know how to live and what to do. Self-love brings you clarity.
88-92
The narcissists are stunting your growth, so you have to cut them off in order to be able to grow. The biggest misapprehension about love is that you have to give people your soul and your heart. Nothing is further from the truth. You should keep your soul and heart only for yourself. You can share it with others, but it needs to stay with you. You should be the only owner of your soul and your heart. You can walk side by side with others in life and share all of this with them, but you are not giving them your soul and your heart. You should never let vampires to suck you and you should not become the vampire yourself sucking others. You keep your soul and heart for yourself and also you have to let people to keep their souls and their hearts for themselves. The soul and the heart are not possessions to own. The real owner of your soul is Universe, and the Universe gave you your soul only to enjoy it here on this planet for a while, then your soul goes back to the Source. And your Source is not another human being but the Universe. The real love is when people walk side by side not wanting anything from each other but a company. The real love equals freedom and peace. Nobody should own you and you should not own others. The definition of wholeness is not stealing each other´s souls. Your soul is whole and it´s yours. You don´t need to buy others by giving your soul away to them. Your soul is whole so there is no need for others to complete you. People are not “the other half of you” because you are whole. You are not half. People should never complete you, only complement you. You have to complete yourself. The love is only healthy when two people who are fully whole come together and share their experience on this planet. I experience my soul, you experience your soul and we can share those wonderful adventures together but in the same time, separately.
93
The love becomes unhealthy when people become the thieves of souls because both of them are not whole. If you will be giving people your soul and heart, Universe will not have any other option than sending you very hard lessons because your main goal on this planet is to get rid of codependency and to become whole and free. So, every-time you try to sabotage your journey to wholeness, the Universe will keep correcting you. The main goal of every soul on this planet is to ascend, everything else is only distraction. You came on this planet alone and you will leave this planet alone. The main goal on this planet is to come home to your own self, to Source (call it G0d, or Universe, A11ah, as you wish), not making home out of other people.
94
Everybody should be a source to themselves and not giving this task to other people to make them whole. Every-time you give your soul and heart to others, the Universe will step in and protect you in a form of punching you in your heart with painful karmic lessons, so you take your soul and heart back to yourself from others. You should take your soul back to home to your own self, not giving your soul to others. Your home is not others, it´s you. Create a home for yourself inside of you. This is something that nobody can do for you. You have to do it for yourself by yourself. With the hard lessons, the Universe is helping you to mature your soul and teaching you to become independent. The adults are independent, only the kids are codependent. The Universe is teaching you to step into your own power and you can only do so when you stop relying on other people´s power. When you are weak and rely on other people´s strength, the Universe will step in and help you to become strong by removing these people from your life or making these people to hurt you. Every-time people help you, they are actually weakening you. Because they are making you more and more powerless with every help they offer you. They are becoming stronger and stronger because they have to be strong for themselves but also for you, but you are becoming just weaker and weaker. Strength is like a muscle, you have to exercise to make your muscle strong. You have to find the strength inside of you, not outside of you.
95-98
You should never try to find your wholeness in others. You have to find it within your own self. After years of mastering my own self-love, I finally came home to my own soul, I am enough by myself, I feel whole, nothing and nobody is missing from me. For the first time in my life, I am OK by myself, I found the home inside of me. I don´t chase anybody anymore. The home I was searching my whole life for was never a place to travel to or another person to meet. I realized that it was me who I was missing the whole time and tried to find in others. Everything nice that comes from outside world to me is only a bonus. If the bonus never comes, it´s OK, because I am still whole. The bonus should be only something extra that comes on top of my own happiness that I already created for myself by myself. Tho, if I can go back in time, I would love to visit my old self and give my old self a hug. Poor Lily. And tell my old self to be more kind to myself. And definitely to tell my old self that everything will be alright.
99-100
Since then, I came a long way. I remember times when I was standing on the bridge, and I was ready to end it all. It was a freezing foggy winter. The fog was so strong that it felt like I am standing in the middle of a milk, I could not see anything around me through that heavy white fog. And I wanted to jump into those freezing waters that were running under the bridge. Today, I am glad that I changed my mind and walked away from that bridge. My process of healing was rocky, it was 6-7 years of emotional roller coaster, up and down, up and down. Healing is never linear. I found myself few times on the edge. Ready to end it all. Once, I was googling how to “take myself out of this planet”. I decided to hang myself and I was literary googling everything about the ropes and planning on how I will do it.
101-102
But I must say that I have badass angels who always look after me because what saved me was one article that popped up out of nowhere right in front of me on the screen of my laptop. Some unknown author was writing about the side effects of hang///ing yourself. The author was writing about how hang///ing yourself can go wrong and you can even become paralyzed. That information saved me, I changed my mind, and I decided not to ki11 myself. Shout out to this unknown author for saving my life with this article. This author does not even know that he or she saved someone else´s life. I am sure G0d will repay this person in this or that way one day. And I hope that my writing saves someone else´s life too. Maybe someone out there needed to read my story to find hope in hopelessness. That it´s 100% possible to heal from narcissistic abuse. And find the peace within yourself. Remember, there is always a solution to every problem.
103-105
As I am writing this, I am surrounded by moving boxes and I am packing my entire life into those boxes. I guess that this more less summarize where I am in my life right now. For the first time in my life, I am ready to let go of everything. And move on. It took me so many years to finally be at this place. Capable to let go of everything that does not serve me anymore. Let go of old energies. And release all negative energies. The negative energies were making me a prisoner in my own life. Every-time you hate someone or something, you chain yourself to it. I forgave all narcissists from my past. Not for them, not because they deserve it. I forgave them for me. So, I can be free. I freed myself from chains. Do you want a revenge? Free yourself from your abusers. It pisses them off! And it benefits you.
106-109
The only way how to really get out of this traumatic painful situation is to focus on leveling up your energies and frequencies. The narcissists are low vibrational entities. The only way how to truly get rid of them and how you heal is to over grow the old timeline with them. Once you level up to a higher frequency, they can´t go there with you. Once you level up, they will automatically fell off of your new reality. The low vibrational entities have no business to be in a higher frequency thus you will stop meeting them once you level up.
110
If I can give the survivors of narcissistic abuse one advice, it would be this: Become a horse with the eye blinders, do not look right, do not look left, just keep working on your vibration, energy and frequency. Do everything in your power to heal your wrong belief systems and programming (aka, heal your “wounds”), make yourself happy, do more what makes you happy, eat right, sleep right, do anything that will help you to level up with your energies and one day, you will wake up and the narcissists will not be your reality anymore because you will find yourself on a completely different timeline, on a completely different frequency. Once you level up on a higher frequency, everything from the old frequency will fall off just like that. People from your past that do not resonate with your new frequency anymore, the old job that was not well paid, the places you were stuck in and now you can move somewhere else where you like it more. Do not be scared to lose people. Everything is about energy and the Universe is only mirroring back to you your own energy, your own self-worth.
111
There is nothing personal with energies. The energies either match or they don´t . If they don´t match, don´t take it personally, it´s just how the energies work in Universe. If the energies do not match, you can literary cut yourself into million pieces and it will be not working with those people from different frequency. And on the other side, when someone´s energies match yours, everything is so easy, they understand you even without words, it feels right, you don´t need to fight for them like crazy. The biggest painful mistake people usually do is that they fight for people, places, jobs, etc. that do not match their energy. Just let go. You can´t over-fu_ck the energies. They either match or not. If they don´t match, do not take it personally and simply let go. There is nothing personal in Universe. The energies are not personal. When the energies do not match, it is not personal. Just let go of energies that do not match yours, simple as that. Because if you fight energies that do not match with your energies, you are bringing unnecessary pain onto yourself.
112-114
One day, you will not even think about the narcissists who hurt you in the past or think about the revenge anymore. Years ago, I wanted the revenge (too much Aries in me lol), I wanted the karma to hit hard the abusers from my past. Today, I can´t care less. I mean, the karma will come after them regardless of what I think or feel because this is an Universal law, but I personally do not care anymore. I stopped to focus on my suffering, I rather started to focus on what karmic lessons I had to learn. Rather than focusing on a problem, I started to focus more on the solution. We all know the problem, but what is the solution, right? And by solution, I mean: “what actions should I take in order to feel better and change my life?” I can’t change the past so it´s not logical to wallow in the past energies forever, I can only do better today and plan for a better future so that´s what I am focusing on. I suggest you do the same.
115-117
Take a pen and paper and write a list that you name “New me”. Write on this list everything that your “new you” supposed to be. For example, you can write on this list things like: “I want to be more kind. I want to try this and that new hobby. I want to hit the gym. I want to make more money and change my career. I want to be more loving, open, courageous”. Write down all the new characteristics you want to become in your new life, write down all the new experiences you want to experience in your new life. And every-time you feel you are starting to spiral and returning to your old self, old ways and old energies of your past, take this list “New me”, read it and remind yourself of not going back to your old self but rather focusing on building your new self. It will help you to stay focused on shifting your energies towards your new beginnings.
118-120
Yes, you have to finish the grieving process, do not skip the healing process but at the same time, there must come time where your healing should be over, and you really have to put the discipline into building your new life. You can´t be stuck in old energies forever. At some point, you have to completely let go of your past. At some point, you have to be ready to delete that old depressive music playlist that reminds you of your old story and replace it with some cha-cha-cha happy Latino music, you have to find courage and discipline to delete all old messages, all old e-mails, remove your old clothes from your wardrobe that remind you of your old life, you have to throw to the garbage bin the old photos. Just like we clean dishes or shower our bodies, we have to clean our energies. Good mental health is the real wealth. Give yourself a chance to start a new story and to have a good mental health. Create a better story, a happier story. Wrap your past into some lovely, beautiful box, put a nice gift ribbon on top of that box to honor your spiritual journey because your past thought you so much about yourself and it helped you to evolve your soul and release that box down the river called “I´m moving on”. And move on to your new life with new energy. Remember, the time does not really exist, it´s only a social construct. Stop live in the past stories or future fantasies. What really counts is NOW. Live in a present moment freed from illusion of time.
121-124
Once I learnt my karmic lessons, once I corrected myself, once I re-programmed myself, once I healed myself into wholeness, the karmic lessons were passed, and I was free. Ask yourself these questions: Why the narcissists came into my life? What exactly they are trying to teach me? Do I lack boundaries? Or do I lack self-love? What the narcissists came into my life to reflect back to me like a mirror? Once you fix it, the reality around you will start reflecting back to you your new energy. I was programmed like a Cinderella in my childhood so every person and every situation that came into my life was reflecting back to me “my Cinderella energy”.
125
Once I healed and I became my own Queen (on an energetic level), everything that was around me started to change too in order to adjust “the mirror” according to my new energies. Suddenly, everybody and everything around me started to treat me like I am a Queen. The Universe is literary like a mirror, it will always mirror back to you your core energy. You have to shift the energies in you. What is “a wound”? Nothing like wounds do exist. The right word we are searching for here is the word “programming”. You are not sick, you are not wounded, you are just wrongly programmed. You have a virus in your software, and it makes you go round and round in circles repeating every day the same program and this program is attracting to you people and situations who are energetic match to your program. You have to completely de-install your old program and install a new program. That´s all it is. From the second you install a new program, it will start to generate a new energy and your new energy will start to attract and magnetize completely new experiences into your life. I promise you this.
126
Your old program makes you run on a lack of self-love and on low self-esteem. And having a lack of these two things is mirrored back to you in your life in all areas of your life. Everything is energy and if you don´t love yourself and you lack confidence, then all you can attract into your life is a narcissistic toxic low vibrational partner, low paid job, little money, ugly accidents, tragedies, sadness, all kind of low vibrational energies. When I met both of my narcissistic exes, I was in a bad place in my life. They came to my life to mirror my own low vibration to me. I was sick (wrongly programmed) so I attracted everything that was on the energy level of sickness. In order to attract health, wealth and love, you have to first vibrate on that level yourself.
127
Heal yourself, become healthy and you will attract everything healthy into your life. Unhealthy attracts unhealthy. Healthy attracts healthy. It´s a matter of energies. Develop abundant mindset, genuinely believe that you deserve good and also, wish others good and you will attract more money, better job, better opportunities. Start to love yourself and you will attract love. You can´t attract love if you are not love yourself. Love is something you are not “doing”. Love is something you are “being. You don´t need to chase love, you don´t need to attract love and you don´t need to give love. You have to BECOME love. Love is a state of being. It´s not “an activity” for you to do. It´s pure being. You have to radiate love yourself as the energy in order to attract something that is on the same “love frequency”. You have to bring yourself on this “love frequency” and then it´s automatically yours. When you are on the right “love frequency” – you are love, everybody around you is love, everything is loving. The love you have around you is only a mirror of your core vibration, your most dominant energy within you – your (self)love. If you hate yourself, if you do not love yourself enough, this energy will be mirrored back to you in all aspect of your life – in your romantic life, on your paycheck, how people treat you in a grocery store, how lucky you are in life, etc.
128-130
We live in a mirror verse, everything is mirrored back to us. We can only attract into our own reality what is already within our own frequency. You can´t attract something that is out of your frequency. There is nothing like “healing”. You just have to vibrate higher. In order to vibrate higher, you have to change. You have to start applying new healthier habits into your life and daily routines, you have to be open to new ways of doing things, you have to be open to welcome new energies by getting out of your comfort zone. In order to welcome the new energies, you have to let go of the old energies that no longer serve you. Are you ready to purge and let go of these old energies that no longer serve you? If you do not let go of the old energies, there is no room for the new energies to arrive into your life. You have to first make “a cleanup” of old energies.
131-132
The purging process was very exhausting for me. To purge karmic energies, to purge my past, to purge my old wrong belief systems, to purge my own mistakes. It was like getting off of some drugs. The negativity and toxicity are both valid addictions. You literary have to fight your own brain. And you have to do it long enough for your brain to understand that you are not going the old ways anymore. You have to find the discipline to stay away from the bad energies just like junkies have to stay away from the drugs. Cold turkey. I took accountability for my life without complaining and excuses. I took my power back by stop blaming the narcissists for my wrong programming and instead of that, I started to focus on how to de-program and re-program myself. I realized that my wrong programming had anything to do with the narcissists in the first place. It was not about what they are doing or saying but about my program. It´s hard to look into a mirror and to see all of the things that need to be fixed. It´s easier to just blame everything around. It took some overcoming of my own ego to be able to look into my own mirror. I realized that it was never about fighting “they”. It was all about fighting with my own self, with my own mind, conquering and mastering my own mind, my own fears. Once you conquer your own mind, you become powerful beyond your wildest dreams and no enemy can do ANYTHING about it. There is only one enemy, and it is within you. Conquer the enemy within you and there will be no enemy outside of you. When you are your own friend instead of your own enemy, no enemy outside of you can do anything to bring you down.
Youtube song: Qveen Herby – 5D
And here I am, surrounded by packing boxes leaving my old life and entering my new life. I am ready to let go. Let go of everything. And be free from my past. It feels like a reborn. The Universe is mirroring this new energy to me with allowing me to move on into my new life. My old self died somewhere in the process, and I guess, that´s exactly the purpose of “the dark night of the soul”. To let go of your old version so the new version can emerge. To heal means to reinvent yourself. Not once but multiple times. It took me few years of internal battle to be ready to let go. Especially, to let go of who I was in the past, my old identity. The trauma and negative energies can be sometimes addictive so it´s hard to let it go. You are scared to let go of your trauma because that’s all you ever knew. You don´t know who you are without your trauma. Your trauma is your safety blanket. So, being healed almost feels like a free flow jump into the unknown. Now you are an artist sitting in front of a completely blank canvas. It´s scary and it brings you a bit of anxiety until you start painting something new. You don´t know who you are without the negative energies. You are used to your depression and anxiety as your safety blanket for years. But who you are without the safety blanket? Who knows how it feels to be happy, right? W/ar is easy, fighting darkness is easy, fighting the narcissists is easy, you have been doing it your whole your life. But exploring light, peace, love and happiness? That´s scary, you never done that before. Everything new is scary. I never realized that love is way harder than wa/r.
137
We are on the battlefield all the time, being in wa/r is nothing new. But now, when the wa/r is over, you are confronted with love. The Universe is like: “Here is finally your golden ticket, feel free to enter your freedom, touch the light and experience love”. And you might panic if you don´t love yourself enough, you can even run away if you don´t possess enough self-esteem, you can even self-sabotage if you don´t possess enough confidence. If you don´t love yourself enough and you don´t possess a confidence, you will literary run away from your own blessings. It will trip you out. Paradoxically, love feels scarier than wa/r. You might find yourself to run away from love way more often than you run from the wa/r. The moment you realize that the wa/r is over, and you can put down the armor and wash the bl00d off of you, that´s scary. It´s like telling Joan of Arc to put her armor down and start to dress some pink dresses overnight. You have to be really properly healed to feel safe without your armor. Happiness sounds scarier than depression.
138
It takes a lot of work on self-love to allow yourself to love and be happy. That´s why most of the people are miserable because they did not put that inner work to heal their self-love and increase their confidence and self-esteem. High self-esteem is your ticket to your happiness. If you have a low self-esteem, you will always feel like you don´t deserve to be happy. It actually takes a courage to be happy. And courage comes from confidence. Today, I am a completely new person. New person who is ready for her new life. And to explore the concept of happiness and love. I am not claiming I have everything figured out in this area, but at least, today, I am healed enough that all of this does not scare me, I feel excited to start exploring love, light and freedom. Today, I am somehow glad that everybody has got radio silence on me for years. Because it forced me to find my own strength within me and not to look around who will do everything for me instead of me.
139
The teacher (G0d) is always quiet during the test. And I feel I passed few really hard-core karmic lessons. So, hopefully, I am slowly navigating towards more peaceful waters in my life, and I hope that in my new life, I will have a bit more fun. I am definitely ready for some fun. After everything I went through, I deserve it. I literary deserve FUN. And for the first time, I feel I DESERVE. The word “deserve” is new in my vocabulary. I deserve to be loved correctly. I deserve to have fun. I deserve being happy. I deserve good things happening to me. My wrong belief systems from my past did not have the word “deserve” in the vocabulary. I am definitely in some interesting transition and transformational times in my life. The butterfly is ready to go out of her cocoon. I feel supported by my ancestors, angels, spirit guides and the whole Universe. And I am no more scared to live.
140-142
My childhood wrongly programmed me into thinking that love should be always painful, and I should be learning my lessons only through pain. My brain was programmed in a very negative way to always expect the worst. I did lot of healing on this too. Today, I expect the best solution in every situation. I enter the room and I say to myself in my head: “I expect to meet only nice people in this room”. Instead of thinking who will try to hurt me in that room or who will try to rob me again. I don´t catastrophizing that much as I used to. I am way more relaxed today. Universe always has my back so why to stress? My old wrong program was telling me that love equals pain. Today, I am no more willing to learn through pain. I am intelligent, people do not need to “punch me in the face” for me to “get it”. Today, I cooperate with Universe more efficiently, so the Universe does not need to send me hard lessons anymore. You have to learn the hard way only when you do not listen what the Universe wants to tell you. In my new life, I want to learn more through love, empathy and compassion. That´s my new program.
143-144
I am ready to surround myself with beautiful souls who can teach me through love, for a change. I am ready to meet people full of love, get more familiar with love, learn more about love and fearlessly start walking towards “love frequency”. I am willing to learn as much as possible about love. Fear is in opposition to love. The more love I possess within myself, the less I fear. I don´t enter a room where love, light, freedom and truth are not present anymore. I don´t fight old anymore. I work towards building the new. New self-love, new confidence, new way of thinking, new way of feeling, the new way of moving, the new way how I see the world. And I can´t wait to see what I will build in my new life and who is the “new me”.
Youtube video Goodbye Old Life
Youtube: DJ Khaled – Thankful
Youtube song: Qveen Herby – Thank Goddess
Youtube song: Qveen Herby – Chunky Cheese
Youtube song: Eminem – Lose Yourself
Youtube video Alice - Ending Scene
Youtube song: Qveen Herby – Thank Goddess
Youtube song: Qveen Herby – Chunky Cheese
Youtube song: Eminem – Lose Yourself
Youtube video Alice - Ending Scene
Instagram video Alice Comeback
Instagram video Alice Is Going Home
145-147
What is the best part of entering my new life? I know this sounds silly because for everybody something else is important in their life, but for me, it´s definitely coming back to my beloved art. Lily is coming back to Wonderland. I hope that Red Queen will be gone by now, Mad-hatter will be in a better mood there, the magical creatures will wear more pink and the white rabbit will not stress that much how he used to.
148
As I deprogrammed from codependency, I guess I will take some time only for myself now. In the past, my whole life revolved around the toxic narcissists. Or, to serve in general. But right now, at this moment, I feel like for the first time in my life, I want to take time only for my own self. Let´s call it “healthy selfishness”. Self-love is never selfish. You know why? Because you can be strong and useful for others only when you are properly rested and happy. That´s when you serve your community the most efficiently. Most important thing in my life right now is to maintain my peace and happiness that I am honestly experiencing for the first time in my life, and I want to enjoy these moments and I want to keep those moments only for myself in privacy. I was waiting for this moment for many years.
149
It feels so amazing to be deprogrammed from codependency. Before, I was wrongly programmed so I thought that only other people´s needs and wants are priority. Today, with my new healthy program, I know that my own needs and wants are my priority. I have the right to take care of myself, it´s not selfish and I don’t need to feel guilty about it. Self-love is never selfish. If anything, when I take care of myself and loving myself, everybody around me can only benefit from me being happy, healthy and full of energy. I don´t feel guilt anymore when I need to take care of myself and take a break. I used to think only about taking care of others while I was neglecting myself. I owe a lot of apologies to my old version of me. Today, I love me, I take care of me, I invest in me, I allow myself to take the time to relax when I feel I need the rest. And therefore, I want to take some time only for me. I don´t know for how long and when I come back. Sending you lot of love and I am sure we will see each other again in a close future, when I will be ready. For those who are curious about my personal life and what I am working
on right now, I will reveal just a little bit of my life for now:
150
I have lot of plans with my healing program because I want to continue to help people to heal, grow and thrive so we will definitely meet each other again. It´s really surreal how my life changed over the past years. I would never in my wildest dreams thought that I will one day become a life coach teaching people about some narcissism. You never know where the life can take you. But I feel, for the first time in my life, that I am exactly where I suppose to be. Universe is never wrong. This all was definitely pre-destined. Everything I was going through was leading me to where I am right now. Trust your journey. It will lead you where you supposed to be, even if at times the road feels so foggy, confusing, rocky and unsure. Just release the control and fear. The Universe has always your back and it has always the plans for you. You are divinely protected. The Universe will guide you. You just have to trust the Universe a little bit more.
151
Tho, even I am taking break to chill-out a bit and to take care of the transition to my new life (which is a bit stressful at this moment), I am still working in the background on many new projects for you (and some projects only for me to make me happy):
I continue to work on my new books on psychology, spirituality and cookbooks that I hope I will publish in some close future. I will be also launching a new project about spirituality so those of you who are interested in healing through my spiritual theories, you will be more than welcome to join me on my spiritual journey. I have so much to tell you.
152-153
I will be also opening my personal online blog to the public. I´m even thinking about starting to vlog but I have to figure out first everything about recording and editing videos. If you are interested in seeing an example on how I am figuring myself out and building my new healed version of myself, building my new personality in a creative way, you definitely don´t want to miss to check out my blog. Journaling is a very important healing tool on my healing journey. Honestly, I can´t imagine maintaining my good mental health without my journaling. I did not come to this planet with a lot, in fact, I arrived on this planet with a naked azzz (like every scapegoat of narcissistic family), but at least, G0d gave me a very strong personality and I was a strong individualist since I was a little kid. But I must say that being attacked by the narcissists for years left and right made me feel lost for couple of years and the road back to myself was very bumpy. That´s where journaling for self-love and journaling for healing was important for me. Words have power. Writing them down or saying them loud is very powerful. I slowly invented pretty interesting way on how to write my personal journal to remind myself of who I am. I am actually thinking about creating some online course on how to journal for those who are interesting to give this healing tool a try. When the narcissists are constantly and on a daily basis telling you bad things about yourself, you completely forget that you have actually good side about you. Writing my personal journal was me reminding my own self of everything I am proud of myself, what I love about myself and what I love to do as career or hobby. You get the point. Let´s call it "the nice diary". I allowed myself to write only nice and good stuff about me in this diary and I forbade myself to write negative things about me in this diary. So many people bullied me and abused me in the past and also, told so many bad things about me that the last thing I need is to put my own self down and bully and abuse my own self. No, no, no! In my nice diary, I only support myself and show myself some love. Piece by piece, like putting a puzzle picture together, I was re-discovering my own self until I felt myself again. And every time I felt like I am sliding back down the dark rabbit hole during my healing process, I was reading my personal journal again and again to keep reminding myself that I am the real biaaatch, I am beautiful, I am capable, I am fun, I am creative, I am everything good about myself 😉😋💋. Self - love is the most important thing in the word, remember that! I hope my personal journal will inspire some of you to start your own.
154-157
Another project you might find interesting on your healing journey might be my new vegan project I will be also launching somewhere soon. I still remember when the narcissists were “finished” with me, it left me with a completely shuttered immunity system and what really contributed to my healing was starting to eat more healthy and nourishing my body. When the narcissists were “finished” with me, I can´t say what was lower, whether my self-esteem or my immunity system. I feel like I did such a great job the last years on healing my mind, my soul, my heart but because I was so busy with my work and therapy, there was not too much space and time left to heal my body properly so I feel that the time I am taking off only for myself I want to use it for healing my immunity system and focusing on my physical health. I am more on the intelectual side rather then being "a gym girl" but I am willing to give a try to some "gym-ing". I hope they have books and food in the gym lol. Just kidding. To be honest, I am a total “gym-retard”. The last time I was at gym … the worst 5 minutes of my life lol. So, hopefully, I will be lucky to end up in the hands of some trainer with a lot of patience lol to teach me the “gym-ing”. I can´t even say how vegan diet helped me on my healing journey and I can´t wait to share with you my super duper healthy healing recipes.
158-159
Years ago, I thought that healing should be only a dark boring hard work but today I know that yes, healing should involve a lot of sitting at therapist´s office but healing is also having fun! I am kidding you not. I am a natural born hippie optimist and maybe that´s why I was always so hardcore attacked by the narcissists because my happy hippie personality was triggering them, so they abused me often. The narcissists are pathological miserable grumpy cats, and they seriously hate happy people. I was always a spontaneous person but at the same time, I often found myself hiding my happiness from the narcissists because they have been punishing me and destroying my happiness every time I openly showed my happiness. I started to feel fearful to show my happiness openly. It though me to be secretively happy, or I just let them to dim my light completely. Those times are far gone!!!!! Part of my healing journey is to do more of what makes me happy and lose fear of being happy.
My Happy Playlist:
Youtube song Sigala - Sweet Lovin´
Youtube song José James - Lovely Day
160-162
So, I decided to make a list of everything that make me happy and do it as often as I can. And traveling is definitely in top 5 for me now. I have to make up for my own self for all those miserable times from my past and to travel to beautiful places, meet beautiful people, make new friends and try new food. Aaaand of course, art is definitely on top of my list. I always wanted to learn how to sew so I bought my first sewing machine and I can´t wait to learn how to sew. For many years, my dream was to have my own fashion line which is actually in process of being born, this process is actually ongoing for few years already. This involves a lot of studying, figuring all kind of stuff out and even I will be not the person sewing my clothes, I definitely love to get properly educated on all processes involved from printing on garment, get myself educated on materials and sewing. I can´t wait to pick up a new hobby and have fun with sewing! Let´s see how my first sewing projects will end up, lolol. If you don´t know where to start practicing happiness, pick up some new hobbies and activities you never tried before.
Youtube song: Armani White – Billie Eilish
163-164
I always thought that saving the world means that you have to sacrifice for others but today I know that you can save the world in so many ways. For example, you can save the world by saving your own self. Yes, you are already saving the world when you only saving yourself. You save the world by healing yourself and making yourself happy. Because this world needs more healthy, healed and happy people. It will make this world more healthy, healed and happy. If you increase your vibration, you are increasing the vibration of the whole planet. Can you imagine that every single person on this planet would take a responsibility for their own healing and happiness? So, at this moment, I want to save this world by making myself happier. Maybe saving the world means you start to finally live on your own terms. Saving the world does not necessary mean to do some “grandiose mission”. And you can inspire so many people just being yourself. Sometimes you inspire people not by doing something (especially doing something grandiose) but you inspire them just being yourself and show people how to be happy.
165-167
The narcissists were taking me away from working and from creativity with their abuse. I was just too exhausted and depressed to create. And I was not that productive as I wanted to be. So, now, I want to focus on my creativity and create the life for myself that I always wanted to have. I always wanted to create my own path according to my own needs and wants. I never wanted to follow the classic society´s standards. I want to create my own legacy, my own identity, my own story, my own path, my own name. I want to be proud of myself that I have built something by myself without anybody. Something that is only mine and finally nobody can take it away from me. Something I can be proud of. I am at the point in my life where I am completely cutting off all of the noise, I am reducing any kind of over-stimulation, I am staying away from the internet as a part of my internet detox routine and I am creating a safe creative space for me where I can work on my ideas and heeey, little narcissistic toxic biaaatches, do not disturb me when I´m working! We have limited time on this planet and I want to make sure I use my limited time properly and productively. I no more have a time for toxic people´s crazy BS. I don´t waste my time anymore. As I like to say: "I don´t fuck around" anymore lol.
168-171
Even I am hapilly single by choice, I must say that I feel like I love being alone way too much. Being single is giving me now the opportunity to properly focus on myself, my health, my goals, my dreams, my work so it´s not that I´m crying into the pillow. For some reason, I never had a problem to be single and on celibacy even for years. I understand that this might be a problem for some people but for some reason, it was never a problem for me. I always loved my freedom way too much. I can´t wait to see the first results of all of my new projects. I feel like our main goal why we arrived on this planet is to work on ourselves, focus on ourselves and not others (and others should be focused on themselves too) and to be creative and productive. To experience a joy of creation. After few years, I was dancing again at home, and I felt really happy. I almost forgot how I used to love dancing, it´s so therapeutic! And as I was dancing around the mirror, I looked deep into my eyes and finally, I could see the sparkles being back in my eyes. I hope that my new projects will reflect my new happy vibes. Finally, I have the time to re-design all of my blogs, websites and make them pretty. My readers and viewers deserve a better online experience because at this moment, especially this blog, is not very representative lol. I am working on it, babes.
172-174
There are lot of resources I am preparing for you, my dears, my warriors. I apologize that everything takes a bit longer. It´s because I don´t want to do the life coaching as my main job, more like a very passionate hobby so I work on my projects only in my free time and that´s why everything takes a bit longer. This is the first time in my life when I feel peaceful, my life is in order and my head is finally “beautifully empty” so I really want to focus on all activities I wanted to do in my life but I could not because I was all over the place with my bad mental health so I feel I owe to myself to finally follow all my goals and dreams I wanted to do for years. Tho, helping people to heal from narcissistic abuse will always play an important role in my life in my free time. I am very passionate about helping people to heal. I feel that the Universe is calling me to do so. Not having life coaching as a full-time job means I will be able to create way more free content for you because I know that most of the people who are freshly out of the abusive relationships were financially abused by the narcissists, so they don´t have that much financial resources to pay for their healing. I will definitely continue to produce a free content as I was doing the past few years for you 💖.
175
So, I guess I will end this article with “see you soon.” PS 1: When you meet me next time, I don’t know who I will be. Who I become. I am always my newest version. Today, my growing game is fast. I change and evolve a lot and pretty quickly at this point. I hope I will meet your newer version too, my dears. PS 2: Below, I prepared for you a little optimistic visual inspiration, let´s call it "a mood board for my new life", maybe you will find it inspiring for your healing journey. There is never enough inspiration. Stay inspired till you expire, baby 💖👽💚🚀!
Written 19.3.2023
176-222
PS 3: Still do not have enough of reading about my story following my healing
journey and want to read more about my story?
You can also read my older article HERE where you can find some more details from my story and how I healed from PTSD.
PS 4: If you are like me and you use music as a tool to process your emotions, see my music playlists HERE.
Sign up for NEWSLETTER and receive all my new free blog articles directly
to your e-mail.
If you
found this article useful, share it with your dear ones who can benefit from this information. I appreciate it. If you wish to support my work, you might consider A DONATION. Thank you for your support. Ready to change your life? BUY MY BOOKS on narcissism and codependency.
