I fully healed from PTSD trauma after narcissistic abuse. This is how I did it. Today, I am giving away a content worth of 116 pages of book for free in this 6 part online personal diary series.
Journaling and keeping a diary was always a part of my healing process and mental health hygiene. In my new blog series “My ScapeGOAT´s Diary” I share my life story in depth, my personal “horror stories” with the narcissists and tips on how I overcame my PTSD trauma after the narcissistic abuse. In my diary, I combine the real examples from my life with my knowledge on narcissism from clinical point of view. I offer you a unique deep dive into my thoughts and emotions in a hope that you can use all my past experiences for the benefits of your own healing journey. This was my process of metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly.
Youtube song: Kidd Lee - Unshakeable
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One of the main reasons why the victims are not able to heal from narcissistic abuse is because they are not able (and they are literary prevented from) telling their stories. They are prevented to speak their truth and they are being silenced by their abusers. The narcissistic abuse is like no other. In other types of abuse, you usually experience “1 on 1 action”. You have one abuser and one victim. Not with the narcissistic abuse. The narcissistic abuse is a very specific type of manipulative vi0lence where the narcissist abuses and robs the victim and then the narcissist runs around trying to control the entire victim´s environment and get all people from the victim´s life and social circle involved into “the narcissist´s mess”. The narcissist starts turning everybody against the victim while forming some sort of “a narcissistic army” against the victim. The victim is then being attacked by the entire group of narcissistic d3monic minions, abuser´s enablers and manipulated innocent people who are unwillingly and unknowingly joining the narcissist´s “army”. Then, the victim is literary bullied into a forced isolation and purposely cut off from any support system. In the end, the victim ends up standing completely alone against the group of aggressive bullies who come to attack the victim from every side. The narcissists are all about maintaining their “fake perfect image” to the audience so they make sure that the truth will not come out and potentially destroy their fully manufactured fake reality and manufactured “fake perfect image”. The narcissist wants to cover up his or her evil doings, wrong doings and criminal activities by silencing the victim.
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I experienced the forced isolation and cutting off from my support system already as a child. I loved my grandmother and my grandfather from the side of my biological father very much. Especially, I had a very strong bond with my grandmother as she was the only sensitive and empathetic person in our family. She always protected me, cared from me and loved me. Unfortunately, after my stepfather, who was an aggressive overt type of a narcissist and an alcoholic, met my covert narcissistic mother, he moved in into our household to live with us and he prohibited me any contact with my biological grandparents for no reason. I was not coping with this very well. My stepfather was a racist who would come home drunk in the middle of the night and drag me out of the bed at 3 AM just to make me sit in the kitchen and make me listen to his aggressive insults on the expense of me and my grandmother due to our different ethnicity. Or, he would just repeat for 2 hours that “I am a hoe just like my mother”. I was a child, so I had no idea what the word “hoe” even means. The next morning, I had to wake up early to go to school and because I barely slept few hours, I did not manage to stay awake at school. I felt asleep at school with head on the table.
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I remember once my grandmother came to secretly visit me to the kindergarten and she sneaked there few sweets for me. We kids played outside on the playground and I was so happy when I turned my head around and saw my grandmother standing and hiding behind the fence. I ran towards her, and we hugged through the fence. Unfortunately, the teacher saw this and most probably instructed by my narcissistic parents, she ran towards me and dragged me away from my grandmother like my grandmother was some sort of a criminal. I remember that my grandmother was crying, and I was crying too. Somehow, I managed to keep the sweets and I put them in my cabinet. For some reason, it was not my mother who came to pick me up from the kindergarten that day, it was my stepfather. When he saw the sweets in the cabinet and realized that they are from my grandmother, he took those sweets away from me and he beaten the crap out of me at home. I was beaten by him often for no apparent reason.
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Only once I have got the permission to go with my biological grandparents for a vacation. I remember that I was very happy. I don´t have many happy memories from childhood, my childhood was basically non-existent. “They” stole my childhood with the abuse. Tho, I was not that happy when was time to come back home. We have been traveling for long hours by the car from that vacation and I was vomiting out of stress the whole ride. I was crying and asking my grandmother if I can stay to live with her. She tried to calm me down while she was crying too. That was the last time I saw her for a long time. Then, some years later, when my stepfather had a car accident and died, the first thing I did was that I visited my grandparents. Unfortunately, my beloved grandma had the last stage of cancer, and that visit was the last time I saw her, she died shortly after. My narcissistic parents isolated me from my biological grandparents who loved me just to place me into their hostile stepfamily where I was scapegoated, unsafe, unwelcomed and abused. The narcissists are sadists, and they will purposely remove you from places, situations and people that make you happy. The narcissists hate your happiness. They want you to be miserable all the time.
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I experienced a similar situation where I was forced into isolation and my support system was completely cut off from me in an adulthood again when my covert narcissistic sociopathic ex of 10 years discarded me overnight. What fascinates me is how the abusers always master their plan to the tinniest details. They plot against you for months and even years behind your back. Everything about his betrayal was well planned and sadistic. Today, I will probably tell you only some little fragments what I experienced with my narcissistic ex because my whole story with him would be literary for an entire book. That time, my narcissistic ex was partly living at home with me and partly (and often) traveling abroad because of his job. We have been together for 10 years but more than half of that time, we were in “a long-distance relationship”. This is the reason why I discovered too late that he was living a double life - he was in a relationship with me, and at the same time, he was also in a relationship with another woman on another continent for about 2 years. For those 2 years, I was in a devaluation stage of narcissistic abuse cycle, and I became his negative narcissistic supply and a scapegoat. Those 2 years, he turned my life into a dark twisted nightmare.
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He was constantly and purposely keeping me in confusion and chaos playing sadistic mind games with me because the manipulators are able to manipulate you, abuse you and rob you off of your money and properties only when you feel confused. I would run away from him way earlier if he was not constantly kept gaslighting me and brainwashing the he11 out of me. That time, I did not have any knowledge on cluster B disorders, I could not understand what I was dealing with, so I was not capable to protect myself. I thought that psychopaths exist only in movies. He was driving me crazy on purpose to the point I felt I am going crazy. I felt overwhelmed by his toxic behavior. He emotionally dysregulated me with his psychological bullying and emotional abuse and I was starting to become unstable and depressed. Then, he would ran around telling everybody that I am crazy, fragile and he lay about me.
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Once he told me that I am fragile and miserable. Well, narcy darcy, the angels can´t live in he11 and flowers can´t blossom in darkness. Maybe if you brought some light and water to my life, you would see me blossoming like a flower and glowing like a sun but instead of it, you brought to my life your disordered toxic Lord Voldemort narcissistic darkness so, if you saw me fragile and miserable, it was a result of your “work”. It´s not my fault that you are a dark vampire.
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He was purposely and systematically destroying my mental health and then he took an advantage of my bad mental health and conned me of everything. I lost everything. The way he was conning me of my apartment was very calculated and premeditated manipulation. While he already knew that he is above to marry his new source of supply behind my back and he will be moving to another continent soon to start his new life with her, he was still coming to my home pretending we are having a relationship acting “business as usual”. It absolutely shocks you how far the narcissistic sociopaths can go with their Oscar winning performances just to steal from you and destroy your life on purpose for their sadistic entertainment purposes. And I can tell, he enjoyed every second of my torture. I could see sparkles in his eyes and his smirks when he was hurting me. My pain was bringing him highs the same way the her0in is bringing highs to the addict.
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He was showing me on the internet plots of lands telling me that this and that place would be nice for us to build our new house there. Once he even traveled with me and my mother to the border of our neighbor´s country to see one particular house pretending that we are on the “hunt” for our new home and made me feel like we are above to buy a new house just to manipulate me into selling my own apartment (that was solely mine and, on my name, it was not “ours”). Can someone explain me why would a man look for plots of lands and houses with you and talking about names for your children when he already knew that he is above to marry someone else? Scammer. Fraud. Unfortunately, I did sell my apartment. Once he grabbed the money, I never saw him again.
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I tried to investigate what the he11 is going on because he refused to communicate with me. The narcissists don´t bother to discuss with you. They feel entitled to decide your life for you. They can´t see you, they can´t hear you. They are so self-absorbed and selfish that they can´t care less what you have to say or what you feel. Everything is always solely about them. The narcissists can hear and see only themselves. They love to hear themselves talking but they can´t hear you. With the narcissists, it´s always a monologue, never a dialogue. You always feel unheard and unseen with the narcissists.
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I tried to contact at least his best friend. His best friend told me that I should stay patience because my narcissistic ex only traveled abroad for a vacation with a group of male friends, and he should come back home (which was a lie). So, I did wait. Few weeks. He never came back home. Then I just somehow knew that what I am experiencing is something that you usually see only in the horror movies. Financial abuse is unfortunately very common type of abuse that the narcissists put their victims through. Our community of survivors of narcissistic abuse is full of people who lost their homes, apartments, houses, life savings, jobs, incomes, investments, retirements, etc. due to the narcissistic abuse. Actually, it´s more common in this type of abuse than not. I was in a such a pain that I don´t wish this type of pain on anybody.
Youtube Shorts: I was in pain
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Those days, the horror scene was still not fully uncovered for me, so I was still being trapped in “the dark room” trying to find the exit. I was trapped in a cognitive dissonance he was purposely inflicting on me with his mind games. He “slapped” me on my face with his left hand while comforting me with his right hand. His Mr.Hyde was nasty to me while his Dr. Jekyll was love bombing me. It felt like my brain is above to expl0de. Being in a cognitive dissonance is probably the most painful experience your mind can endure. Discovering the truth felt like I am a detective who is trying to put puzzles together, piece by piece. And, even long after he disappeared, I was still not having the full picture. I felt like a main character in some horror movie. I was beyond confused about what the he11 was going on. My narcissistic ex was constantly and purposely keeping me “relaxed” to prevent me from understanding or investigating the situation further, he kept telling me that I am crazy for accusing him of cheating while he was really cheating on me, he told me that I am fragile and sensitive while he was abusing me and purposely breaking me down bit by bit every day. Every time I asked him some questions, he would come with some bizarre “fairy – tales” or a silent treatment. I guess that at that particular time, he was just buying the time so I don´t uncover the full truth until he would be safely moved to the different continent, safely married to the new supply and money would be safely in his hands. Unfortunately, until I realized more less what was happening, my apartment was already sold, and I had to empty my home for the new owner.
Youtube song: Keith Urban - Blue Ain´t Your Color
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I asked my narcissistic mother for help. Basically, I needed a serious help for the first time in my life. She refused to help me. I asked her if I can stay at her home until I figure out my situation and until I find some room to rent where I can move. She answered me that she has no space at home for me. Which was a lie because she lives in a large apartment with empty rooms, so space was definitely not a problem. She was just happy to watch me spiral down taking pleasure of me breaking down. Covert narcissistic mothers are just another level of he11. My mother is a narcissist, and she was always in competition with me. She always invalidated any sickness or hurt I was going through. When I was sick, she was suddenly sicker so all of the attention would be re-directed from me to her. When I achieved some success, instead of congrats me, she would give me a silent treatment followed by pulling out the list of her success trying to over-shadow my special moments. She always invalidated my success making me feel bad about what I achieved, and she would highlight the point that she is always better than me. Once, when I was promoted in my corporate job including a pay rise, she took me to my favorite restaurant, just to inform me there that she and my brother have diplomas from university while I “only” graduated from high school. The narcissists hate to see you doing good, it triggers their pathological envy, deep insecurities and the secret hate they feel towards you.
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My narcissistic mother always enjoyed putting me down to destroy my self-esteem. When I said to her that my childhood traumatized me, she said her childhood was worse than mine. That was the deepest we ever went to talk about my childhood experience. Oh, also, I said to her that she definitely needs some therapy on which she replied to me that she is perfectly fine and there is nothing wrong with her. It´s so interesting how the narcissists are “always fine” while people around them crumbling down. Until something directly does not affect the narcissists, they don´t care about anything and anybody. They don´t care if they damage you or harm you in the process of trying to feed of you. The only time you see them care is when something directly affects them. They have zero capacity to acknowledge that they are destroying people around them. It´s nice that my mother is “fine” … while I was suicida1 and depressed multiple times in my life and her son obviously started to go the same path as his alcoholic father almost ki11ing himself in the car too while driving drunk … But yeah, everything is fine... People around the narcissists are collateral damage of the narcissist´s sickness. Isn´t a paradox that the narcissists who really need healing and therapy the most out of all people on this planet are always those people who never enter any therapy and instead of it, all innocent victims around them ending up in therapy after the narcissists damaged them? If you go to a psychiatric hospital, I bet that you would be able to meet there more innocent victims of narcissistic abuse than actually meeting there the real crazy abusive narcissists who need a serious medical treatment. Every narcissist is producing multiple victims who then have to enter the therapy to heal from the abuse.
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Over the years, I learnt to become secretive around my narcissistic mother because whatever I did or said was always either invalidated, used against me or turned into a competition. She never wanted me to become better than her and she made sure that even the basic shizzz was always taken from me, so I always had nothing. She could not stand the idea of me being somebody and having something. Any tiny happiness was “murd3red” right away in me. I was afraid to be even slightly joyful around the narcissists because I knew they are going to punish me for it, and they will go after me. All my dreams, success, or even primitive simple little joys were always destroyed for me by the narcissists. You can´t win with these d3monic disordered r3tards.
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There is nothing you can do in order to make it right in the eyes of the narcissists. No matter what you do or no matter what you don´t do will always end up with the classic scenario “damned if you do and damned if you don´t”. When you are happy, you will always trigger the pathological envy in the narcissists. In the eyes of the narcissists, you are not allowed to be happy. I don´t speak about “regular envy” that even regular people feel time to time but always overcome and let their love, empathy and kindness to win. I talk about pathological dangerous narcissistic envy when the narcissists will make a project out of destroying your happiness, your life and they will not stop until they make you miserable or even d3ad.
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The narcissists are professionals at suppressing. Suppress, suppress, suppress. They are suppressed individuals, and they will suppress you too. They will suppress everything in you, around you, about you. The narcissists hate truth, so they always suppress the truth you want to speak. They will force “the false self mask” on your face to prevent you to be either authentic or from speaking the truth. The narcissists will force you to live in “a forced lie” to cooperate on covering up their falseness, abuse and their shitt_y personality. If you find “the audacity” to stand up for yourself, speak the truth and express your authenticity, this will trigger the narcissists and it will make them run around in a panic mode doing “the control damage”. Through my life I saw the narcissists do all kind of crazy desperate acrobatic maneuvers in order to suppress the truth. Even the clowns in circus and stuntmen in action movies are nothing in comparison with the tripping narcissists. The narcissist´s world is like a matrix simulation from the famous movie where anybody who questioned the sick system in any shape or form was hunted down as an enemy. The narcissists do not suppress only your happy positive emotions, but they also suppress you in expressing your negative emotions. Damned if you are joyful, damned if you are miserable. The narcissists lack of empathy and other people´s emotions are inconvenience for them so when you are sad and exhausted (by their abuse), they will discard you because you are no more useful for them and you annoy them with your negative emotions. Then, they will do the control damage to silence you and rewrite the history to manufacture a completely new story about what really happened.
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Do not expect any comfort, sympathy or empathy from the narcissists. Expect them to abandon you when you are down and when you need them the most, expect them to take an advantage of your tragic moments, expect them to laugh in your face when you are in pain and expect them to see your misery as a direct invitation to extract the negative narcissistic supply from you. In the eyes of the narcissists, you are only an object who supposed to be always available feeling fresh to make everything solely about them. You should serve them, entertain them, mummy them, daddy them, admire them, play with them like they are little kids, pay for them, fix them, assist them, cheer them up, regulate them, clean their mess after them and when you are not doing it, they see you as a useless object, so they throw you away the same way as we normal people throw old socks to the garbage bin once the socks become leaky. And G0d forbid if you make something about you just for 5 minutes! They will punish you for your “audacity” to take yourself out of their narcissistic claws and pay an attention to your own self, to your own well-being, to your own emotions, to your own needs and wants. You can´t express anger or sadness around the narcissists because this would remind them that they are a failure who made you feel sad and miserable, and they can´t stand to see themselves in any other way than flawless, good, G0d like and perfect. They hate the mirror you are showing them, they don´t want to look into the mirror and see the truth about how horrible ugly people they really are. They don´t want to see their ugliness and darkness in the mirror.
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The narcissists live in a fantasy and anything that is considered a threat to their illusions and fake manufactured fantasy world will be destroyed by them. They can´t “effort” people see them “less than perfect”, they don´t want people to see the real shizzz behind their fake masks. The narcissists do not possess any emotional intelligence so vulnerability for them is something disgusting, alien and weak. They will never acknowledge or validate your pain and suffering, especially when they are the cause of your misery. The narcissists live in a denial of truth and reality. The narcissists are always in competition with you so if you are miserable, they have to one up you to appear even more miserable than you. If you are sick, they are sicker, if you are sad, they have sadder story to share with the audience than you. The narcissists do not allow you to be even miserable in peace. Your misery is being turn into a competition. If you are around the narcissists too long, you will start numbing your emotions and feelings down and you will be literary forced to become an emotionless numb robot. Damned if you are happy, damned if you are sad. No emotions are allowed around the narcissists, good or bad, they will punish you for being a human. You are not allowed to complain, you are not allowed to start a discussion, you are not allowed to express your emotions. Everything is right away shut down or swept under the rag by them.
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The narcissists around me constantly tried to keep me miserable on purpose as a form of control and soothing technique for their triggered envy towards my natural born optimistic nature, my blessings and my light from G0d. I noticed that I was always shrinking myself to appear way smaller than I really am just not to trigger my own mother´s envy.
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The narcissists are specialist at dimming your light. They wish you vanish inside of you. The narcissists want to erase you, your shine, your personality, your happiness, your existence. How to recognize that you are in a presence of a narcissist? You know when you are surrounded by the narcissists when you feel like you have to beg to be loved, heard and seen like a beggar. You have to fight to be seen but you will be overlooked anyway (and make no mistake, on purpose, just to invalidate you). You feel like you have to appear smaller than you really are just not to trigger the narcissist´s envy. You feel like you are shrinking into nothingness after the systematical humiliation rituals and put downs from the narcissist´s side. The narcissists cut you down and keep you small on purpose. Once the narcissists are “finished” with you, you feel like absolutely nothing. Every-time you have “the audacity” to shine, it will make the narcissists angry, and they will punish you for your shine. Literary anything can potentially trigger their pathological envy.
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You don´t need to be even rich or own something special to make them envious towards you. You can trigger the envy in them with a little basic stuff like being naturally kind-hearted nice person who are liked by others. You can be modest and not having much but you might be skilled at making your own handmade soap and even the narcissists might be the millionaires who can afford to buy the most expensive cosmetic, the narcissistic individuals will become envious of your simple little cheap soap. The narcissists might be triggered and become envious towards you when they see you being at peace and having a genuine smile on your face. The narcissists wear “the false self mask” and underneath that mask, they are always angry, envious and hateful, so when they see your genuine smile, your genuine energy, your genuine way of moving through life, you entering the room as your true self and bringing your natural shine and light into the room without even trying, you will trigger their envy. The narcissist’s tortured souls are envious of your peace so they are always trying to destroy your peace by torturing you.
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“They” will literary study you because they can´t understand how you can do all those things so naturally when they have to put so much work into faking everything with everybody and exhausting themselves with wearing masks in front of the audience and thinking ahead of every word they say to make sure they deceived others. The narcissists live their lives like it´s a movie, they are the actors and everything about their lives is manufactured and staged. They hate you for your authenticity and spontaneity because it reminds them how fake they are. The better qualities you possess, the more you will be triggering the envy in the narcissists. It often comes to the point where the narcissists might push you into isolation and exile. They are so envious of you that they can´t even look at you, they have to lock you in the dark basement or make sure in other way that you will never shine in their face ever again.
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You will be excluded from all events organized by them, you will be pushed outside of social circle by the narcissist´s gossips and lies about you, they will literately push you to live alone on some sort of “exile island”. In my narcissistic family, I always felt that my entire narcissistic family lives together on one island and I was scapegoated on the other island where I was alone and isolated. The narcissists never compliment you, instead of that, they will give you a silent treatment out of envy. They will compliment everybody around you in front of you to put you down in a passive aggressive way while they will never compliment you. It´s because they envy you. They will often practice a humiliation and degradation rituals on you to purposely destroy your self-esteem, so you don´ t have a courage to shine anymore. If you come from G0d and you possess a special G0d´s light, they will utterly hate you for your beautiful light. You will often hear the narcissists say, “Do you think you are better than me/others?” or comments such as “Perfect lady thinks she knows everything, isn’t it?” You can feel the dark spirit of hate and envy speaking from them. It´s not you who think that you are better than others, it´s actually them seeing you better than them and in a dark twisted projected way, it´s a compliment.
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The narcissists are always comparing themselves to other people. They see everything as a hierarchy. They see you as a threat to their control if they feel you are above them. They will create a project out of bringing you down below them. The narcissists hate you, criticize you, put you down and at the same time they copy everything they criticized on you. They might say that your hair looks terrible but the next day, they will come with the exact same hair style and hair cut like you. The haters are always your biggest fans. A great sign that someone is envious about you is that they will constantly study you. And even they hate everything about you, they will go and repeat everything you do. They hate on your clothes but copy your clothes. They hate on you and want to destroy you but at the same time, they want to morph into you to become you. They start to talk like you, move like you, they start to adopt your mannerism and favorite words. They will be “fake nice” to you only to sneak into your life so they can be close to you and watch you from close so they can steal everything from you. Your personality, your hobbies, your ideas, your mind, your friends, even your family members. They will constantly project their hate onto you until you start to hate yourself. “They” love when you hate yourself because hating on yourself take a lot of power and magic from you and you will shine less. The narcissists absolutely hate when you become strong personality who validates herself or himself and you shine regardless of what they do or say. The narcissists might even form “a little narcy darcy Karen mean club” full of narcy cowards, and even they don´t particularly like each other (and sometimes they even hate each other), the shared hate they all feel towards you will bring them together to plot against you and to bully you in a group.
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Every-time I came to visit my mother, I always made sure I wear some ugly clothes and never wear some nice shoes I just bought yesterday just to avoid her envy. I always made sure that I eliminated anything that can trigger her hate, envy, her need to compete or her need to destroy me and to see my face flat in the dirt. I just dumbed myself down to appear dumber than I actually am.
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I under-dressed so I look worse than I usually look. I always played an idi0t in the presence of my narcissistic mother to keep my peace. I purposely let her think that “she is winning” so she just let me be. Yes, yes, mother, I know nothing, I am a total idi0t, yes, mummy, you are the most perfect on this planet, yes mummy, I am stupid, yes, you know it better, whatever you want, mummy. Whateverrrrr, JUST LET ME BE. It was a survival mechanism to survive my own abusive narcissistic parent. I felt often paranoid around my mother because she gave me a bad advice on purpose multiple times so I would fail. Then, when I failed and when I confronted her about it, she denied that she ever gave me those advice, she twisted the reality and turned the situation against me making me feel stup1d and crazy and of course, she was playing the old good “victim card” so in the end, I ended up apologizing to her for her abusing me and destroying my life. Narcissistic abuse is a sick twisted surreal nightmare.
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Those times I did not understand what I was dealing with as I was not educated on narcissism, so I always brushed these types of experiences with her off, but it was taking a toll on my mental health because I was constantly questioning my reality and myself as she was constantly gaslighting me and brainwashing me. My narcissistic mother is “a professional victim” so when you confront her with a reality and attack her “fantasy Lalaland”, she always twists the reality to make her as a victim in the end. No matter the story, the end is always the same – she is the victim of everything and everybody and you are always the bad person. The covert narcissists are “the fake angels” and "forever victims". She would always turn the whole situation against me pretending that she is just “concerned” about my life while she was the reason why my life was being constantly shaking in tsunami waves. The covert narcissists are so delusional that they often believe that they are good people. The narcissists lie to others, but they lie to themselves too and sometimes they lie to themselves long enough to genuinely believe their own lies. Most of the narcissists are “unaware narcissists” which means they don´t know they are the narcissists, they think they are normal good people and angels while in fact, they are predators and dangerous people who are destroying and devouring everybody around them. “The unaware narcissists” are very sick people who are not realizing that they are very sick. The covert narcissists are "the professional victims" so when they set a place on fire and people come at them angry, the covert narcissists will pretend to be the victims. No, you are not the victims, covert narcissists! You set the place on fire and that´s why people are righteously angry at you. The narcissists never take any accountability and responsibility for their bad and wrong actions. My brother always took the side of my narcissistic manipulative mother, and they were making mocking comments together to make me feel miserable such as “Linda is incapable”. Then they would laugh together. Mind you, I have a pretty high IQ, I was always one of the best students at school and I achieved few nice things in my life, yet, my narcissistic family was always treating me like I was a complete r3tard.
Youtube song: Linkin Park - Numb
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I failed few times in my life and even screwed years of my life until I finally realized what my narcissistic mother was doing to me. It took me 3 decades to realize that she was not my best friend, she was my enemy number 1. The most dangerous about narcissistic abuse by the covert narcissists is that this type of abuse is flying right under the radar so if you are not properly educated on narcissism, you don´t even realize you are being abused. Until the abuse become so bad that you either lose your health, mind or all your money. It usually takes a really big slap on your face to realize that you have snakes in your life, that they have been your enemies and they hated you from the day 1. Since then, I don´t trust my mother (or anybody else) but at least this type of experience thought me to trust myself and to always think for my own self, to become an individualist. I always think about everything instead of blindly following someone, it thought me to take the responsibility for my decisions in my life and not rely on opinions of others.
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The narcissists never have good intentions for you in their dark hearts. Actually, they have bad intentions towards you, they want you to fail, to be in pain and to be stuck. When you are doing bad, it calms them down and they are not treating you that terribly when you are down. Did you notice that the narcissists are treating you the best when you are the most down and the sickest? Your bad news is the narcissist´s calming lullaby. Anything good going on for you will trigger the he11 out of them, it will trigger their envy and also the need to compete with you. When you start doing good for yourself is when the shizzz hits the fan and they will start to treat you like a dirt and in a vicious way or they will discard you.
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Today, when I look back with a clear head and think about my downfall that happened 6-7 years ago, I can clearly see that the situation could be handled way differently even from my mother´s side. I guess the first red flag should be that my mother sided with my narcissistic abusive ex instead of me after my downfall. I believe it´s because my narcissistic mother saw herself in him, they are both cheaters and narcissistically immoral. It´s a deep psychology. When you go to the cinema with your friend and there will be a good hero and a bad villain in the movie, you can say a lot about your friend based on which of those two characters your friend will become a fan of. If your friend will admire the hero, you know they identify with the hero because they see their own good characteristics in this hero. If your friend will admire the villain, you know that they see some “villain traits” in themselves that they identify with, so they chose the villain to admire. The hero is triggering them because the goodness in this hero makes them feel bad about themselves. That´s the same reason why the narcissists ki11ed Jes////us Ch///rist. Jeez was full of beautiful light and it was triggering the dark narcissists so they ki11ed him. They could not even look at Jeez because every-time they looked at Him, it reminded them how dark and dirty they are.
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So, after my downfall, my mother identified with the villain (my narcissistic ex), because they are cut from the same cloth. They are so alike. They are both villains. They are both covert narcissists. She started to blame me for surreal stuff in my romantic relationship with my ex. Really, mother? Is the lamb responsible for being eaten by the lion? What could the lamb possibly do differently to convince a predator to not to be hungry and wanting his lunch? I would be eaten by the narcissistic predator regardless, no matter what I did or what I did not. That time I did not know that this is known as “the victim shaming” or “the victim blaming” and this toxic behavior is also known as “a secondary abuse”. All three are a form of abuse. A secondary abuse is when you are being abused by the abuser and then you are being re-traumatized and re-abused by other people too who are either narcissists themselves so they turn against you too to feed of off your pain or they are simply not educated on the narcissistic abuse so they accidentally side with the abuser protecting the abuser instead of the real victim and they are shaming and blaming the real victim for the abuse. Example of a secondary abuse is when I went no contact with my narcissistic mother and some people not understanding narcissistic abuse were trying to bully me into re-connecting with my abusive mother with “you have only one mother, you should try to make it work with her” not understanding the dynamic and true nature of abuse. No sane person would ever tell you to get along with your own abuser or get back into an abusive cycle. Like it´s not enough that the victims go through the abuse (sometimes even for many years), they often times go through “the secondary abuse” by enablers and people who are not educated on narcissistic abuse too. I don´t want to go too much into details into my mother´s biz so I say only that my mother´s side hustle has something to do with real estates and if someone could give me a good advice for a situation with my apartment to prevent me from losing it, it was her. But this did not happen. She gave me all the wrong advice. Today I see multiple ways how we could prevent me losing my apartment and all of my stuff. But obviously, all narcissists involved in this story wanted me to fail on purpose, they wanted me to go downhill and to lose all. Nobody took that time to sit down with me to have a proper conversation. Everybody were rushing me without any discussion to take actions I did not even properly understood in that chaos they created. They all ganged upon me and set me up. After my downfall, my mother refused to help me with letting me temporary live with her so I asked her if she can at least take some of my furniture and belongings and temporary store it in her basement while I was literary fighting to put some roof over my head, so I don´t need to sleep on the street. She refused. She said that her basement is full which was also not fully true. There was some stuff, but it was not full. And damn, even if her basement would be full, I am her daughter, even if she would temporary store few of my stuff in the middle of her living room, she should help me. I did not have that much stuff. If I have a daughter, I will not even think about whether I help my daughter or not, of course I would help her! Especially when I see that my daughter is going through a mental breakdown, dark times and losing everything. And especially when she knows that I never ask for help, it was not that I was asking her for help every other day. I am overly independent person. If you have a narcissistic family, you are trained to only give but never receive or ask for help. Hello, codependency … My family was so unloving and uncaring that I was trained rather to die than to ask for help when I was in trouble. I always struggled with asking people for help because I felt unloved, and I felt like I don´t deserve someone to care about me or take care of me. I was always over-independent as a trauma response. It takes self-love to ask for a help which took me few years to learn this “self-love thingy” to be able to ask for help when I need it. My stepfamily was so deeply messed up and troubled that there was nobody around to rely on anyway. Who should I ask for help? My uncle who was on her0in? Or my heavy alcoholics step grandparents? Like … who? There was nobody normal in my family to help me, they were dragging me down even lower. I learnt already early in my childhood that I am always on my own.
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So, I did not lose only my apartment, but I also lost my furniture and my belongings. I had no other choice than to give all my stuff for free to strangers from internet. I had to empty the apartment quickly for the new owner. People were coming to my home and picking up pieces of my furniture and belongings and taking it away. I was crying for every piece that was taken away from me. Those were very emotional times for me. Basically, I was crying nonstop. I was in so much pain. You know what is the funniest about this? When I was still owning my apartment, I had my own basement / storage place. And my mother asked me if she can bring some of her stuff to store it there. I said, of course! Even I needed my storage space for my own self. She ended up with bringing so much stuff that it filled a pretty large space in my storage space, so I really have been left only with a little space for my own stuff in my own basement … And that is basically the main difference between the narcissists and the empaths … Once I was selling the apartment, I called her asking what to do with her stored stuff. She told me that those are just things she does not need and mostly it´s some garbage. I was speechless. So, she was preventing me from using my own storage space just to store her garbage? I ended up taking most of that shizzz to the garbage bin outside … My first narcissistic ex literary fuck…ed the brain out of my skull, he purposely brought so much chaos into my life to the point I felt my head is spinning and I could no longer recognize where the ceiling is and where is the floor because I was riding some invisible levitating roller-coaster. The way you can recognize the narcissistic manipulators is that they always purposely create a chaos around you, they put a lot of psychological urgency on you, and you feel like you have to make a decision in 3 seconds, otherwise the whole world will crush down. They pressure you into making important decisions right away while they keep lot of secrets away from you (important information that you absolutely supposed to be informed about to be able to do the correct decisions for yourself). They are also confusing the he11 out of you on purpose and telling you lies while at the same time, they are pressuring you to make life changing decisions. How can you make a good decision under such conditions? He was pressuring me in the middle of the chaos he created and in the middle of me suffering from bad mental health he also caused to make life changing big decisions without giving me the peace, space, time AND THE TRUTH to sit down and properly and with clear head to think about my decisions. We supposed to start with a proper discussion about what the he11 was happening in the first place, that´s where we supposed to start. This never happened because the narcissists do not do break ups, closures, or communication, they only do “ghost disappearances”. No official break-ups, no discussions, no apologies, no explanations, only future faking and mind games. And then they just disappear like ghosts out of nowhere leaving you with their mess literary throwing you under the bus like you are a yesterday´s trash.
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I never wanted to sell my apartment. If he did not manipulate me into selling my apartment, I would be living there to this day. I loved my home. Not to mention that cleaning his mess costed me money. Then buying a new home costed me more money. When I was buying my new home, I had to pay fees. AGAIN. I was paying the full fees with my first apartment, then I had to pay the fees again with my second apartment. I lost washing machine, I had to buy a new one. I lost my microwave that I had to replace with a new one. That´s more money to pay. I had to fully furniture my new home after I lost furniture from my old home, this costed even more money. I had a nice table and chairs in my old apartment, I had to buy new table and new chairs. More money “flying out of the window”. I paid literary everything twice because of his financial damage. The list of the financial damage can go on and on.
Youtube song: Madonna – Heartbreak City
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And don´t even get me started with “the side costs” such as paying for tons of books, therapists, alternative medicine, e-courses and other medical bills I had to pay just to heal myself from his abuse that took a serious toll on my physical and mental health. This also does not include the damage he did when he destroyed my dream art career I was working on for many years and it meant the whole world to me … the lost opportunities, the lost money for projects, the lost money for art, the loss of my portfolio that I did not work on the past 6-7 years, the loss of showing in the best art galleries in the world, I had to cancel art shows that I was waiting many years to get in, this type of opportunities don´t come to you every day … and honestly, on some things you can´t even put a price tag because it´s so sentimental and dear to your heart. How this type of damage will be calculated??????!!!!!! How much is that???!!!!!!!! What kind of price we put on my depression he caused, the bullying, the isolation, the few years spent in my bed with bad mental health he caused, the loss of my joy, the lost years, the lost life. How much is that??? How much is him destroying my opportunity to have my own family and kids? My train to have a family with kids is already gone. He destroyed my opportunity to have kids. How much is that???? How much is that I will never experience to play with my son or my daughter? He wasted 10 years of my life with a big fat narcissistic lie of loving someone who did not even exist because he is nothing just walking “false self mask” faking everything he is. I loved an illusion. I loved a mask. The person I loved never even existed. I had to grieve him like he di3d even he is still alive. Then I spent years in “exile isolation” to heal myself and heal my finances. How much is that???? What price tag we put on this??? Should I continue? I hope not, because we would be here reading only “the list of damage” this individual did to my life till tomorrow. Karma will find you one day, little biaatch……………..
Youtube song: Rihanna – Bi_tch Better Have My Money
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Never let people to pressure you to make immediate decisions. If you are above to sign some contract, ask that person for the permission to take that contract home so you have an appropriate time to study the contract to make sure that you know what you are signing. Only the manipulators with bad intentions towards you will pressure you to sign something you did not even properly read, they will pressure you to sign the contract right on the spot. The normal decent people will give you a time and space to study the contract and even get in touch with your lawyer in case you don´t fully understand some parts of the contract so your lawyer can check it for you and explain you everything that needs to be explained.
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The way I discovered that my narcissistic ex is a living double life is another whole sociopathic mindfuc_kery. I was walking around like a zombie. The narcissists literary “zombify” people they abuse. I was trapped in a bad dream I could not wake up from. He was gone, everything was gone, and I was still here trying to figure out what the he11 is happening! I was working on autopilot at work. Please, someone give me a medal for not losing my corporate high performing job in the middle of this exhausting traumatic situation … My life was in ruins, and I still did not know what the he11 was happening! One day, my friend who worked that time with me in my team called me at night telling me: “Linda, immediately come to my place. I want to show you something. But first, I bought some alc000hol, we will first get some drinks…” I was confused but I knew whatever she wants to tell me will be bad news because everybody knows that I don´t drink alcoh00ol at all so if someone wants to make you drink just to tell you something, you know it will be not pleasant. I came to her place, I got like one or two drinks, she opened her laptop, and she showed me a social media of some woman. I could not believe my own eyes! There were photos of her and my narcissistic boyfriend from the past 2 years, they literary had full blown romantic relationship behind my back for 2 years. In her last post, she was talking about their wedding. I caught my ex cheating on me literary right before their wedding.
Youtube song: Tink – Fake Love
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I stood up, I almost lost balance, so I came closer to the wall to stabilize myself and I felt like I am going to pass out. My head and everything around me started to spin. Everything around me became blurry. I felt like I have some sort of out of body experience because I did not feel myself being inside of my body and the room and my friend seen so unreal. My brain felt like an overloaded machine who suddenly broke, exploded into million pieces and caught a fire. I saw my friend saying something, but I only saw her opening her mouth but for some reason, I could not hear anything. Everything was happening in a slow motion, and I was dissociating. I have no idea what she was saying. I somehow came back to myself, and I ran to the bathroom to throw up into the toilet. My friend asked me if I want her to call an ambulance for me. I refused. I do not remember how I came back home.
Youtube song: Frida – La Despedita
Painting "The Broken Column" by Frida Kahlo
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As it was not enough, my mother called me right after I arrived home to keep me informed that my brother is in a prison because he was driving his car drunk. And from that moment, my life spiraled out of control, and I spiraled deep into the darkness for good damn 6 years. Sattan sent the narcissists into my life to bring me down. The dark triad narcissists come from Sattan. Being a thieve, scammer and fraud is one thing but being also a sadist is another whole level of abuse. The narcissists are extremely sadistic. They always choose the most shocking and sadistic way to “punch” you in your face with their BS. You can recognize that you are dealing with a narcissist when the narcissist is trying to shock you often. If you find yourself feeling shocked by someone´s else behavior or what they are saying often, it´s a big chance you are dealing with a narcissist. The narcissist´s trademark is “the shock value actions”. The more they are capable to “surprise” you and shock you, the greater narcissistic supply they can extract from you.
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A good example of “a shock value narcissistic supply” is when I introduced my first narcissistic ex to my mother´s boyfriend for the first time. We were at my mother´s cottage house in mountains for a weekend and we were standing outside of the house just to chill-out and watch the beautiful winter scenery. The nature was so beautiful and romantic around that time, the snow covered all trees. It was a magic. My “narc” ex came outside of the house to join us, he stood right next to us, and he suddenly farted loudly. I don´t know how it is in your culture, but in my culture, this is considered rude and disrespectful. We fart in front of our partners behind the closed doors of our homes, not in public when you are in a company of people, especially strangers and in general people we are not close to. I remember me and my mother´s boyfriend we looked at each other balling our eyes out like …. wtf just happened? I tell you exactly what happened. “The narcy darcy” wanted the attention (the narcissistic supply) and he had to come up with something shocking to get it. Like farting. He won, he has got that attention. My first narcissistic ex planned my downfall into such details that it would make you ball your eyes out. It´s even hard to describe such surreal mind games and there were lot of them. So, I will try to explain it on an example. Before he disappeared, he gifted me a new smart phone. And that was suspicious. My narcissistic ex of 10 years never bought me any gift in 10 years. He literary ignored all of my Bdays, Christmas, name days, Valentine´s days, our anniversaries, all of my important events. He never even took me out for a dinner or for romantic night out for Valentine´s day once in those years. Nada. Zero. Imagine to be with someone 10 years and that man never take you for any vacation, trip or fu…cking dinner in a fuc_king decade!!!! We never have been in a nice restaurant together. No flowers either. Shame on you, cheap trash. Especially after everything I have done for him, what I sacrificed for him and what I was through with him.
Youtube song: SZA - Special
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I remember times when I was literary saving every cent for the new apartment I wanted to buy for us. I was very young when I was working abroad, I was there alone which was at times stressful, I had my main job but I was also taking side jobs when opportunity arose, I was working 10 days with only 1 or sometimes 2 days off, I was always working. Nonstop. And I did not buy myself almost anything just to save money and make that apartment happen. I wish I spent money I made abroad on new handbags and vacations instead of saving money to “serve” this ungrateful user. Mistake of my life. If I can go back in time and I can have only one wish, then I would wish to never meet this m0therfucke_r. I wish I never met him. I wish I listened to my intuition the first day I met him. I wish I just ran away the first day because the red flags were there from literary the day one. We met when we were very young. He was pursuing me for some time. Actually, he was pretty persistent and intense in pursuing me. I was not interested in him, he was not even my type. At all. His best friend was pressuring me to come to his little party at home because my narcissistic ex really wanted to meet me. So, I did. I felt hunted down like a prey by an aggressive predator. The only reason I agreed to come to that party to meet my ex was that I wanted his best friend to finally stop pressuring me into meeting my ex. My drunk narcissistic ex has got me drunk too, then he dragged me into a room where he was alone with me, and then he started touching my body and boobs in a very disgraceful, disrespectful and disgusting way to the point I freaked out and I have got out of that room. I literary ran away from that room. This incident made me sick from my stomach. I immediately took a taxi home. When his best friend asked me why I am leaving his party so soon, I excused myself with a lie that I suddenly became sick. Always listen to your intuition when it speaks to you and never doubt it. I doubted it, I gave him another chance … and here I am now …
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But back to the story. So, he gifted me this smart phone and he gave it to me with an agenda. He knew I do internet detox regularly, I was never too much into social medias either. I was keeping my life private, I prefer to live in a reality rather than online. It´s good for my mental health, peace and focus on what is the real priority in my life. But he suddenly really wanted me to be on social medias, especially on Instagram. So, he made me an Instagram account on that new smart phone. You know why? Because he was taking photos with his new source of supply and posting it on Instagram and he wanted to make sure I will be watching them so I can get jealous, envious so he can triangulate me with this woman and create vi0lent, hostile toxic drama. He literary bought me the smart phone because he wanted to create the drama, there was no other reason for him buying me this smart phone. Everything about my downfall and the drama was premeditated and well planned. The narcissists can´t live without the drama. It´s their fuel. It´s their “self-esteem juice”. One of the most significant red flags that you are dealing with a narcissist is the triangulation. Normal people do not create triangles between people. The “narcy darcy” did not expect that I will delete him and block him everywhere right away when I realized what was going on. After a little drama, I realized that he is playing some sort of a sick game, so I went “no contact” pretty early into the shizzz show. I did not allow him to drag me into his sociopathic mess. Bro, you are alone in your shizzz. I also deleted and blocked everybody associated with him. Then I took a hammer and smashed the new smart phone into pieces and threw it into the garbage bin.
Youtube song: The Weeknd – One Right Now
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The narcissists are legit mentally sick crazy individuals. Even the only valuable gift he ever gave me, he gave it to me with an 3vil agenda …. I am speechless. My narcissistic ex literary never bought me any gifts. He never even congrats me when I had a Bday. When I had a Bday, he would just disappear, ghost me and give me a silent treatment so he did not need to buy me a Bday present. I did not get any Bday present or Christmas present in 10 years! Cheap trash.
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So, when he bought me a smart phone, I knew he is up to no good. This is the reason why I never let the narcissists to give me money, gifts or do favors for me. Ever. I know it´s always with the strings attached to it, it´s always coming with “owning to the d3vil” and it´s always coming with some 3vil agenda behind it. Lately, my narcissistic mother is nervous about my no contact regime I established with my toxic narcissistic family. Suddenly, she told me that she will give me 20.000 Euro. Just like that. For no reason. I refused. They all are trying to lure me back into their dark “NarcoLand”. I knew that my mother would not give me those money, it was just a click bait. If someone gives me 1 cent for every promise all the narcissists gave me in the past promising me to give me something or do something for me (but, of course, they never gave me anything and never did anything for me), I would be a millionaire already. This manipulative tactic is being called “a future faking”. Future faking is when the narcissists promise you something just to lure you back into the relationship with them but then they will not keep the promise they gave you. Future faking is about a lot of sweet fake words, fake promises but no actions. Basically, you are the donkey, and the narcissists just carry the carrot in front of you to manipulate you into moving in the direction they want you to move but no matter how hard you try, you will never get that carrot. Funny how the narcissists don´t give you a bare minimum while they have you in their life, they don´t hand you a glass of water when you are hitting the rock bottom but the second they feel you are getting out of the bucket, they are like the crabs trying to drag you back down into that bucket with promising you a whole world. I want absolutely nothing from 3vil people. I hustle hard and I buy myself everything I want and need. I will never owe anybody. I want nothing from anybody. I work hard for my shizzz.
Youtube song: Miley Cyrus – Do My Thang
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Back then, I did not know anything about narcissism but intuitively I felt I must go no contact with my narcissistic ex. I intuitively knew that my narcissistic ex and his new narcissistic source of supply are trying to harm my life, hurt my feelings and they both have bad 3vil intentions towards me. And today, I know, it was the best and the healthiest decision I made. The “no contact regime” greatly contributed to my healing. When you realize that someone is a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath, the best thing to do is to follow the HG Tudor´s “golden rule of freedom” that he calls “GOSO which stands for “go no contact and stay no contact”. HG Tudor also advice to “get out and stay out”. And this advice is lifesaving. I respect and love many coaches on narcissistic abuse, I have a long list of my favorite life coaches on narcissism but if I can pick only one who is the most favorite of mine and who really saved my life, I would say HG Tudor. If you don´t know where to start on education on narcissistic abuse, start with his free content on Youtube, read his online blog and buy his books. For few past months, he analyses celebrity narcissists on his Youtube channel so if you are not interested in this particular topic, just do a longer scrolling down to find his older videos on narcissists in general. Or, the fasted way to access his older work is to simply write his Youtube channel´s name “HG Tudor – Knowing The Narcissist: Ultra” in the Youtube´s search bar and Youtube will suggest you plenty of his older videos. I personally see his education materials lifesaving because he teaches empaths how to reduce the emotional thinking and increase the logical thinking when you are dealing with the narcissists, and this is exactly what saved my life. He teaches how to reduce feeding your own addiction to the narcissists. HG Tudor is a diagnosed narcissistic psychopath who belongs to a very rare type of the narcissists which is “aware narcissist” and “the ultra - greater type of the narcissists” (most of the people are dealing with unaware narcissists who belong to lower and middle range type of the narcissists). His education materials are very eye opening. If, for some reason, you are unable to go no contact right away, then limit the contact with the narcissists as much you can.
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The narcissists are pathologically empty, and they are pathologically bored. These two qualities make the narcissists very restless and reckless. They cause drama on purpose to either kill their boredom and entertain themselves in a sick way or at least to feel something as the opposition to feel just a painful nothing. The emptier the narcissists feel, the more shocking drama they have to bring into your life to feed of your shock and pain so they can feel at least something. The narcissists have a very low self-esteem, and they feel pathologically insignificant and therefore they are “pickmeishas” (pick me, pick me, pick meeeee). They need a constant attention from their audience to stay relevant and feel acknowledged. With drama, they make you acknowledge their existence. You acknowledging them is their “self-esteem juice”. The narcissists do not care if you are angry to them calling them “the piece of shizzzz” or if you praise them telling them they are “the best shizzz in the world”, fuel is fuel. The only thing every narcissist can´t stand is when you ignore them. If you ignore the narcissists and cut them off of all narcissistic fuel (good and bad), they become “the collapsed narcissists” and they fall apart. And most importantly, they will leave you alone because if you do not provide them with the narcissistic fuel, you are not useful for them so they discard you, and they will find another victim who gives them that fuel. Don´t give them the narcissistic supply (the positive or the negative) and after some time, they will let you be. “They” love to have a power and control over you and drag you through the mud. You are just a toy for them. If you fight the narcissists, it automatically means you must lower your standards. It means that you must enter a mud full of poo and fight with the narcissistic pigs acting out of your character. If you are a classy peaceful chill-out person (like I am), and if you decide to wrestle with these narcissistic pigs, you soon will realize that the narcissists will turn you into someone you don´t even recognize anymore.
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I still remember when the shizzz hit the fan with my first narcissistic ex, he completely emotionally dysregulated me with his abuse and I was freaking out. After 2 years of a constant devaluation by him, I became neurotic and when he really put the work into provoking me, I became even hysterical. Mind you, I am a very chill-out person and being neurotic or hysterical is out of my character. I am the type of a person who comes home, burns scent sticks and listens to chill-out music. I always mind my own business. I don´t run around looking for problems, I am very non conflict person, I don´t run around looking what others have on their plate because I am busy and focused what is on my own plate, I don´t put my nose into other people´s business and I don´t like others putting their nose into my business, I am an introvert and an artist, so most probably you will find me making my art living on my own planet like a real Alice from Wonderland not bothering anybody. I love my peace. So, If you see me to “jump” on someone and “beat” the crap out of them, you can be 100% sure that this person did me really dirty, that this person is a really shit_ty person and they deserve me lashing out on “they” because they were forcing their toxicity on me against my will and unprovoked, they most probably crossed my boundaries 30 times before I lashed out and they have been most probably agonizing me already for some time before my patience expired. Most probably, I asked them politely and in a diplomatic manner to fu_ck off before I lashed out but “they” did not stop forcing their toxicity onto me, so I lashed out. I never start a shizzz but if “they” keep pushing me over the edge and keep pressing those buttons, I will not fuck around and I will tell them how shizzz will end. I am a type of a person who has a very neutral energy. Therefore, I am like a mirror to people. What energy you get from me 100% depends on how you treat me. I consider myself to be a nice and kind company and I prefer peace. If you are nice to me, I reciprocate your good energy right back to you. I am a natural born optimist, so I thrive the best when I am surrounded with nice, good hearted and optimistic people. But I also take no shizzz. When “they” force on me some BS, nonsense, drama, lies and toxicity, I know how to stand up for myself and be “a real bitch” IF needed. I am not a bad bit_ch but I am definitely a real bit_ch.
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Tho, it took me a proper education on narcissism to develop the skills of reducing my emotional thinking and increasing my logical thinking to be able to deal with the narcissists in a correct way. The narcissists are abnormal individuals with abnormal behavior and if you are not careful, they will make you talk and act the way that is completely out of your character. The narcissists are not like normal healthy people, and it requires an education in order to handle the situations with the narcissists in a correct way. I learnt the harder way. I definitely had my few emotional moments when I lashed out on my sick narcissistic ex and his sick narcissistic side chick as a reaction on their abuse and those were definitely not my proudest moments of my life.
Youtube song: Lana Del Rey – High By The Beach
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The narcissists will take you far away from G0d and G0d´s peace. You will start acting irritated, crazy, angry, you will be acting the trauma they inflicted on you out, you will start to act the way you would normally never act. The narcissists are masters at ripping people off and then sprinkling the salt into people´s wounds. They create a wound in you and then they continue to sadistically torture you by putting a salt into that wound. They absolutely “live for” how you run around in agony. Pigs like mud because they are used to dirt, but you will not feel good about downgrading yourself into “a piggy position”. And most importantly, you will not resolve any issue with “they” no matter how hard or how long you fight because the only thing the narcissists are interested in is your attention. They don´t mind if the attention is negative or positive. The narcissists are all about: “Attention, attention, attention! Look at me, hear me! Look, look, look!” The narcissists can´t tolerate only one thing and one thing only - to be ignored and forgotten. And that´s honestly the best revenge and the most beneficial thing you can do for yourself. To quietly walk away. It´s 2 in 1 – you have got your revenge by starving the vampiric narcissists off of their narcissistic supply and at the same time you saved your life, health and sanity with giving yourself the opportunity and space to heal and move on.
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If you really feel the urgent need to say something to the narcissists, then, let´s say, you can very assertively and only once and for all properly articulate with them whatever you feel that need to be said, but then, walk away, disengage, ignore them and apply a strict “no contact regime”. If there is a real need to tell them how you feel (but only that one time), make sure you are not speaking to them when you are over-emotional, make sure you are speaking to them from very empowered state of mind, showing no emotions such as anger, sadness and desperation. Also, make sure that the narcissists you are approaching are not physically vi0lent. If the narcissists have the vi0lent tendencies, then apply no contact right away without speaking to them, your safety should be your priority. But it´s recommended to go no contact right away without giving them the unnecessary narcissistic supply or setting yourself up for some trap. By fighting with the narcissists, keeping them in your life or in your mind in any shape or form, you only keep feeding your addiction, keep re-traumatizing yourself, keep re-abusing yourself and keep giving the narcissists the opportunity to abuse you again and again. “No contact regime” is the only real way how to heal from the narcissistic abuse. And by “no contact regime” I mean to deny their access to you and deny your access to them in every shape and form. Because no matter how hard you try to resolve the situation with them, you will not get anything resolved. You are there for solution, they are there only for attention. They are purposely depriving you of the solution, conclusion, resolution because this would end you giving them the attention. So, they will continue the “the piggy fight” with you as long as possible (and as long YOU allow it) so, they can extract as much negative narcissistic supply from you as possible. Solution was never on their list. Only drama. The more drama, the better.
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When you fight with the narcissists, you don´t fight with a person, you fight with their dangerous and crazy personality disorder (basically, with their mental illness), and you can´t win this fight. You should not even want mentally ill people to have any say in any decision in your life. Don´t discuss sanity with mentally ill individuals. Never let mentally ill people decide how you should be feeling, thinking and who you should be. Also, the narcissists have stunted emotions, they are literary children trapped in adult´s body so when you fight with the narcissists, you don´t fight with the adults, you fight with little kids. Basically, when you fight with the narcissists, it equals to fighting with mentally ill children.
73-77
You just can´t win this nonsense battle. It´ not even your battle. The narcissists are in war with themselves, and they drag everyone they can into THEIR battlefield and keep everyone as their prisoners. Remove yourself from the wa///r that is not even yours in the first place and exit the battlefield that is not yours either. Leave the narcissists to fight themselves in their own wa//r, but without you. The only way to deal with this situation is to walk away and turn inwards to heal your wounds and traumas that make you feel that you need or want the narcissists. Your healthy healed self would never choose narcissists who are d3monically possessed, spiritually bankrupted, morally corrupted, and emotionally emptied neither you would have any desire to prove them anything as your healed self does not need any external validation. Your healthy self does not care what some narcissists think about you, or in fact, anybody else. You don´t care because you are capable to validate yourself. You know who you are, so you have no need to listen to others to tell you who you are.
78-79
What was really life changing for me is to teach myself to never take anybody and anything personally. I don´t make other people´s problems to be my problems. People always project and I never internalize. Their projection has anything to do with me. I always emotionally detach from people´s projections and their “stories” they created about me in their heads. I don´t care what people think about me. Zero fu_cks given. I am who I am and that’s why I am who I am. I live the way I want. My life is nobody´s business. People are free to think about me what they want but I am also free to be my true self and live my own life authentically despite what people think about me. And I don´t even have the need to discuss it. Period.
80-83
The only person who really wins the toxic situation is the person who either walk away from the narcissists or have been discarded by the narcissists, not the one who stays. The person who stays with the narcissists just does not understand (yet) that staying with toxic abusive people in toxic abusive situations are not a win in any shape or form. It´s a losing game. I always say: Let the toxic unhealthy people be! If you find yourself in a situation that you have no business to be, surrounded by people you have no business to be around and doing things you have no business doing, you have to leave. It´s interesting that since I removed toxic narcissistic people out of my life, I have 85% to 90% less problems than I used to have. And this is not a coincidence. Most of the problems I had in the past were manufactured and created by toxic people. Suddenly, I don´t have any problems and this is not a coincidence.
84-88
“They” are toxic and unhealthy to themselves and thus they are toxic and unhealthy towards you too. Where a lot of empaths bring the misery and pain onto themselves is when they cling onto toxic people who are from different frequency, vibration and energy. If someone´s energy does not match your energy, just let those people be, let them go. You have no business to cling to people from different frequency than you are on. They are not good for your energy, they will drag you down, they will make you sick, they are not your soul tribe. Stop clinging on people that you have no business to be with, so you actually create a healthy space in your life to attract people who are actually supposed to be in your life, people on the same frequency as you are. People from different frequency than you are currently on can´t hear you, can´t feel you, can´t see you. That´s why you feel invisible when you are around the wrong people from a different frequency. Because they live in a different “energy reality”. You know someone is wrong for you when you can even scream your truth right in their face and they still don´t hear you. You know that someone is right for you when those people see you, hear you and feel you even without you speaking a word and doing a thing, them being in your life will be effortless. Because everything is about energy. The right people are on the same “energy wave” like you are so they understand you.
89-92
Energy is currency just like money. I don´t run around anymore giving my money to people for free just like I don´t run around anymore giving my energy for free either. Because I remember times from my past when I was running around giving people everything and I was left with nothing and there was nobody to take care of me afterwards. You have to properly take care for yourself first. You have to put yourself first. If you take care of someone, make sure it´s a two-way street. When you give energy to someone or something, always make sure the energy is equally coming back to you too. Don´t be around people who bring zero value to your table and only take and take and take and take from you. It´s hard to bring something to the table for people who does not have a table and have no table manners. Some people want only you to bring the value to the table while all they bring to the table is their appetite. And it´s not even a regular appetite. It´s an appetite of a vulture who literary devour you whole on a rapid speed. What was really life changing for me on my healing journey is that I stopped to give the narcissists my attention and I re-directed that attention back to me. Every-time they were trying to provoke me and put my attention on them, I very consciously re-directed the attention back to my own self. When I pay attention to me, I have no time to pay attention to the narcissists. I give myself my own attention and I am so busy giving myself attention that I have no attention left for the narcissists. I take the energy and put in me, not into vampires. I don´t give my energy to the narcissists because I need my energy for myself, so I have enough energy to heal, to grow, to thrive, for my dreams, for my activities, for my health, for my happiness. No more draining my energy, vampires!
93-94
We are entering the age on this planet where everybody will be starting to be responsible for their own life on this planet. No more we will be responsible for other people and other people will be no more responsible for us. On “new Earth” we will be not sucking the energy from each other. Everybody will be learning how to produce their own prana energy (your life force). That´s the only way how people can start to live in peace on this planet. To live their life for themselves and not for others. That´s why you can meet more and more people who decided to stay single because they want to invest in themselves and not losing their energy on others. They are smart. They don´t want their energy to be stolen by the parasites. They produce their own energy, then they conserve and protect their energy.
95-97
On “the new Earth”, we will not live the parasitic lifestyle anymore. I started to be on the right path when my path stopped to be about narcissists. I turned inwards. It´s not about them anymore, it´s about me. I took my power back when I realized it was actually never about them, it was only about me from the beginning. It was about me healing my childhood trauma and wrong belief systems, they only reflected my wounds and energy back to me like a mirror. It was only in my hands and in my power to become a sovereign being fully realizing I am not powerless because I am powerful. Nobody can control my mind and my soul if I don’t give them my permission.
98
In the past, every-time they were controlling me, it was because I gave them my permission. They were not taking from me, I was giving to them. And only I had the power to make that decision to stop giving to them. It´s not about what they do or what they say, it´s about how healed you are and how much you love yourself for you to not being bothered by them at all. Today, I am healed, and I can sit in a room with 20 narcissists and if they try to provoke me, I would be yawning in their face feeling sleepy. Where are no wounds, there are no triggers. Do you still feel triggered? It only means one thing – you still have wounds that you need to heal. Your triggers are your barometer how much you are healed. If you are very triggered, it means you have lot of wounds in you. If you are triggered only a little bit, it means you did already a great job with healing yourself and you have less wounds in you than you used to have. When you feel zero triggers, it means you are fully healed.
99-100
Punching narcissists in their face as a revenge or for relief is only a very temporary solution. It can make you feel better in the moment but from the long-term perspective, you did not solve the real core of the problem (which are your wounds). Because the problem is not the narcissists, it´s your wounds. Every time the narcissists poke their fingers in your wound, you will be triggered and reactive. But the problem is not their fingers, the problem is your wound. The wounds were inside of you way before any narcissist entered your life in your adulthood. Your wounds and wrong belief systems (such as low self-esteem, no confidence and lack of self-love) were created in your childhood. The narcissists are only the messengers to bring you an awareness of your wounds by poking their fingers into your wounds on repeat until you start to pay an attention to your own self and heal yourself into wholeness.
101
Once you are fully healed from your wounds, the narcissists can poke whatever they want and as often as they want but you will be not triggered because you have no wounds anymore. Your wounds are what make you reactive. No wounds, no need to react. When you have wounds, every-time someone poke their finger into your wound, you will be screaming, kicking, you will be in pain and angry. So, punching the narcissists in the face is not a real solution, the real solution is to heal your wounds, that´s the only real long-term solution. I guess the hardest part of my healing was to cut off the noise. Once I came out of “a noisy tornado of abuse”, I immediately isolated myself and I entered the hermit mode for couple of following years where I started my process of metamorphosis from a caterpillar to butterfly. It was a good and right decision to make. Sometimes you must isolate so you can finally focus on you and on your priorities without distraction. I wanted nothing and nobody to distract me. Finally, I could hear my own soul, my own voice and G0d.
102
The narcissist´s “shi_t show” is not your priority. You, and everything related to you, is your priority. If it does not bring you either peace, profit or purpose, then don´t give it any time, energy, focus or attention. The transformation of a caterpillar is a very lonely road, and you will spend a lot of time in darkness in your cocoon but that´s the price you have to pay in order to become a beautiful butterfly. There is no short cut to this. You have to do it the right way. But know that you will never regret investing in you. You will only benefit from it.
Tho, the brief interaction with the new source of supply was toxic, to say at least. She was acting like the typical narcissists do. She was acting absolutely arrogant, ruthless, reckless and spineless towards me, she tried to put me down, compete with me, she was attacking my confidence, she tried to climb “the hierarchy ladder” through my back to feel better about herself by extracting some “self-esteem juice” from me to “fix” her very low self-esteem, no confidence and lack of self-love and she tried to insult me on steroids. She “vomited” on me a verbal narcissistic word salad diarrhoea and half of what she said to me did not make any sense. I still remember that I felt very confused the entire time I was interacting with her. She was like a toddler mumbling something under her nose. I felt very confused by what she was saying and doing. I remember that when I walked away from this whole situation, I was sitting on my bed scratching my head like “wtf was this?”
103-106
I did not know about her the whole 2 years she was s_ucking the d1ck of my narcissistic ex but she knew about me the whole time. I will never understand women who are OK with sharing the men. My narcissistic ex knew very well that if I would uncover his cheating, the very second of me finding out, his shizzz will be packed and I will be throwing his shizzz out of the doors and … basically, the end of the story. I am not a type of a woman who fu_ck around. Cheating is for me a deal-breaker and I would not even feel the need to discuss with a cheating man. Like … to discuss what? Bro, you put your d1ck in the wrong hole so there is nothing to be discussed. I would just end the relationship on spot. My puss_y is a sacred space, my home is a sacred space too, my body is my temple. I cultivate my energy. No low life man can think that he can disrespect my pu_ssy and bring garbage to my home. The toxic side chicks have zero dignity, no self-worth, no class, no self-esteem, no confidence. Zero. Nada. It´s disgusting.
107-108
I don´t want to lower my standard by talking badly about this toxic narcissistic side chick, but I will say at least this: when someone comes at me with a giant arrogance (like she did), I expect their giant arrogance to at least match up with their fat bank account and having something very special going on in their lives, I expect them to graduate at least from Harvard, and I expect them to look like a top model Bella Hadid. This toxic side chick was none of those qualities mentioned above so her giant arrogance was just a narcissistic fart in the wind she tried to bother me with. These types of farts come very loudly, they smell badly and then they quickly disappear into the nothingness. Bi_tch was basic. The narcissists have pathologically low self-esteem and the only way how they can feel better about themselves is to put someone else down. This toxic side chick had low self-esteem, so she was trying to put me down to feel better about her miserable self. It always blows my mind when the narcissists criticize you, they feel they are above you but when you check on them, they are not even average. If someone wants to act all arrogant, bi_tches better make sure they are “the real shi_t” . Otherwise, they look like the clowns. It´s not confidence, it´s just pure arrogance. They use their arrogance to mask their deep insecurities and low-self esteem. The narcissists use their narcissism to create illusions to mask the reality. Don´t confuse confidence with arrogance, these are two very different things. The confidence is always quiet while the arrogance is always very loud. That´s how you know. The narcissists suffer from “magical thinking” because they are underdeveloped on the level of little children and as all little kids, the narcissists suffer from grandiose fantasies that they are something more than they really are, they create fantasy worlds, and they present themselves as “celebrities”. Just like little kids suffer from “the magical thinking” pretending to be the Superman who flies in the sky and saving the world. You can´t talk a little boy out of not being a real Superman. We all watch the kids on the playground when they play and they “pretend” that they are the princess, the super hero and all kind of “magical thinking roles”. I checked on this toxic side chick and Google does not know her name, neither I found any paparazzi photos of her with some celebrities. Basic. She felt very entitled towards my money and my life they stole from me like a little toxic entitled spoiled brat she is. She never achieved anything in her life (except being a Jezebel feeding of other people´s money, abuse, success and energy) but she felt she deserves everybody to serve her. She tried to build her life on hard work, bl00d, pain, sacrifice and sweat of another woman and that is something you should never be proud of. G0d will never bless this d3mon. G0d does not like ugly. Karma is on it´s way for both of “they”.
Youtube song: Taylor Swift - Karma
109
She finally shut the fuc….k up when I informed her: “ I love myself, I feel se_xy and you little bi_tch can´t do anything about it”. That was my final closure with her. In my own way. I know, little bit toxic and I had my little pity party, but I guess this is understandable after some bully abused me and bullied me so thank you for understanding for my toxic moments lol. She gives me the female serial ki11er vibes. I feel sorry for every man who will ever has to do anything with this psych0 woman.
110
Tho, I feel that my narcissistic ex is finally with his equal. She is equally narcissistic, she is equally 3vil, she is equally low vibrational, she is equally immoral, she equally lacks integrity, she is his energy match so in the end, I do believe they deserve each other, and, in some sense, she is his karma. Karma has sometimes very funny way to come around. When a man hurts a good woman and runs away from her, the karma always makes sure this man ends up with a bad woman.
111-116
The narcissists hate people who are confident in a healthy way and who love themselves. My second narcissistic ex was often verbally abusing me. He would often tell me that I am stup_id and if I leave him, nobody else will ever want me. He attacked everything about me, my body, my job, my shoes, everything. And what always really pissed him off was when my answer back on his insults was something like: “You lie, I think I am awesome”. Or I would say to him “I think I am beautiful”. You could literary see how he was shocked to hear me speaking this way. I could see how his eyes went darker and he wanted to ki11 me with his stare. The narcissists hate themselves and they are absolutely shocked when they meet someone who love themselves. Maybe my self-love was clumsy at that time, but me speaking with love towards my own self definitely did shut their mouths up pretty fast every single time. They had nothing to say back.
117
One of the last sentences my second narcissistic ex said to me before I left him for good was: “I thought you will not live this long, I thought you would ki11 yourself earlier”. Did you ever wonder if the narcissists know what they are doing? I guess that this sentence that my lovely “narc” ex said to me might be your answer. He was purposely and systematically trying to break me down and he obviously knew what he was doing. And I must say that he was greatly disappointed that his abuse did not end up per his “vision”, he was sad throwing pity party when he realized that I´m still standing. If you were born with a special spiritual light, you will be hunted by a lot of dark vampires your entire life. They will be trying to bring you down because they hate your light. For no reason. Just like they hated Jes///us Chr_ist.
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Continue to read my story of My ScapeGOAT Diary series HERE - Part 2.
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