I spent most of my life in a survival mode. I had to survive the narcissists as my family members, my friends, my boyfriends. And today, I sit here more less healed (there is always a room for improvement, and I am still on my way) and I look back just to evaluate my life because this is the first time I am actually not in a survival mode and I can finally sit peacefully and give it a thought and ... wow, my life was literary one big “what the ffff was this????”. While I was constantly busy with running through the darkest valley, I never actually realized how much trauma I endured and survived through my life, how severe the trauma was, how often I was hunted by the narcissists literary from the first day on this planet.
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They have been hunting me in packs. First, my toxic family was abusing me in a group, then my covert narcissistic ex and his “flying monkey army” came after me. They literary hunted me in packs. It was definitely not a fair play battle. They completely outnumbered me and overpowered me. Cowards. They cooperated to abuse me and bring me down. I was constantly abused since I was a little child. I was abused so much that I don´t even remember when I was not abused. I was constantly going from abusive person´s hands to another abusive person´s hands. That was my life for many years. And when I try to think about how all of that felt all those years, I must say that it felt like I am constantly hunted by Sattan. It felt very d3monic. Like… s3xual abuse, inc3st, beating, stealing from me, setting me up, fuck…ing up my mind, trying to steal my soul, destroying my life, destroying my dreams and dream career, I can go on and on and on … I was constantly in battle with something dark, it felt like an invisible ghost always on my ass and for most parts of my life, I was either running from it or hiding from it. And I just think for myself now – do you think this is normal???? This is absolutely not normal. What the ffff I experienced????
2
I literary never had a normal life because I was too busy trying to constantly survive something or someone. Imagine that you are being born and then you spend literary your whole life running from something dark that constantly trying to harm you. Like… what the actual fffff? I barely came to this world, I was only a child, I barely opened my eyes to see this world and I was already abused. How come? How I deserved this? How an innocent child deserves such a brutality? And this is the first time I properly realized it. Before, I was too deep into the survival mode, there was no time to think about such a thought. I never did anything bad to anybody, how it is possible that I went through so much brutality my whole life? How is it that good people have to endure so much bad shizzz? Tho, most of my abusers have got their karma and I will speak about their karma later in this article. Not to mention that it took me so much money, time and energy to literary climb on four out of that he11 and it took me years to heal and years to rebuild. How is that?
3-5
Why was Jes_us hunted since childhood? Why the king ordered to ki11 all kids around Jes_us age just to make sure Je_sus die? What exactly Je_sus did that “they” abused him until he was covered in bl00d? What kind of people put nails into someone´s hands? Or put someone alive on cross to di3 there? What a fffff morbid idea. Who can be this morbid? Who were exactly those people who abused Jes_us? Narcissist, are you a person or a creature? Who are exactly the people I have experienced? Yes, I have my philosopher´s evening with my tea, excuse me. When I look back on the abuse I experienced, I must say that for most of the parts, the abuse was systematical, they were systematically and purposely working on bringing me down over a period of a time and in lot of cases, the abuse was premeditated and planned. I felt like a chicken on a farm. You know how farmers trap animals so they can use them for eggs, milk and meat? That´s how I felt. The narcissists trap you with confusion, trap you with lies, trap you with money, trap you with children, trap you with mortgage or trap you with stealing your money and now you have no money to pay rent and buy food, so you feel trapped. Trap, trap, trap, trap, trap. Trick and trap. They always find some way to trap you so you can´t move. I am in the community of survivors of narcissistic abuse for years and guys, let me tell you that I have heard and read EVERYTHING. When I feel nothing can surprise me anymore, I come across another horror story of some survivor who presents our community just another surreal way how the damn “narcs” are capable to trap their victims. I felt like an animal in a cage. I literary spent my whole life with un-trap-ing myself and removing chain after chain after chain to get my freedom. The narcissistic abuse felt to me like a d3monic oppression. I felt literary oppressed. I was literary fighting for my fffff life. It felt like they are trying to ki11 me!!!
6
If it´s up to me, I would collect all abusive narcissists and deport them all on some abandoned island, then I would put the fence around that island and every abusive m000therfucker who would try to escape that island will be “eliminated”. I would keep these abusive m000therfuckers away from normal people so they can´t cause damage to normal good people. Empaths and narcissists should not mix. Narcissists should date only other narcissists, so they leave normal people alone. And normal people should date only other normal people. You can give empathy only to other empaths. Never give empathy to the narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. They see your kindness as weakness and as a big joke. They will take your empathy and kindness and turn it against you like a weap0n to destroy you. Your empathy is like an invitation for them to come and exploit you and turn your empathy against you. Giving empathy to the narcissists is like swimming in the pool with a predator like a shark and hoping with your naïve empathy that if you will be nice enough to this shark, he will not eat you for the dinner. When you sit in the cage with a cat, you hug the cat, you cuddle the cat and suddenly you realize that it is not a cat, but it is a lion. You don´t continue to sit in that cage pretending that lion is not a predator, right? Once you realize that you are in the cage with a predator, you get the ffff out of that cage. Once you realize you are dealing with a narcissist, stop cuddling it, get the fff out of there. The narcissists are predators. Who do you think are those people on TV news who are murd3ring, rap111ng, ki111ing, robbing? Who do you think are most of the people who are in prisons? Empaths? Stop cuddling predators. Stop cuddling crocodiles, sharks and lions. Adopt a Chiwawa dog or Persian cat if you want to cuddle something. Having empathy is a positive trait. Being over – empathetic is an illness and a trauma response that comes from the trauma you experienced in your childhood. Get well soon. There is a difference between being nice versus being a total idi0t. There is a difference between helping people who really need the help versus being just naïve and used by exploitative predators. If everything I went through thought me something, it´s definitely that I am no more open for grey area in my life. For me, the things are either black or white. And it makes my life way easier and safer. No more maybe, later, 50% and I don´t know. You either say to me yes or no. If you answer is something else than yes or no, for me it automatically means no. I don´t f…uck around anymore. I don´t do grey area anymore. The grey area is a synonym for cognitive dissonance. The grey area opens the door to so much wasted time, abuse and wrong situations. The grey area makes you stuck for months or years feeling confused thinking if this person is nice or not nice, you give twenty “second chances” just to find yourself over and over chasing your own tail in circles. You get stuck because you turn your brain into a washing machine where your thoughts are rolling on a rapid speed in circle motions never finally coming to some conclusion or solution because you give people the benefit of the doubts over and over again. You suffer because you still accept grey area.
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I tell you a secret. People who truly love you and care about you will always provide you with clarity and sanity. Everything with normal people is just … normal. It´s easy going. The normal people always show up for you and they are always open like an open book providing you a full transparency. There will be zero confusion. There is no reason for not being transparent. When you are telling the truth, it means you hide nothing, therefore, you are not scared to be exposed. You are confusing others only when you are a liar, and you lie and then you are covering up the lies. You always know where you stand with normal people. With normal people, you don´t end up sitting behind the table for weeks, months or even years scratching your head trying to figure out some riddles. People who have good intentions towards your life have no reason to act “funny” and shady towards you. They will tell you right away how it is. Normal people can´t live in chaos, conflict and confusion. Normal people will do everything in their power to come to you and make sure that everything is clear between you. Normal people are open to conversation, to speak openly and to hear you properly. Normal people do everything in their power to return to peace as soon as possible because normal people can´t live surrounded by bad energies and “heavy air”. Unresolved conflicts make normal people feel sick and sad. Therefore, the normal people do everything in their power to return to healthiness as soon as possible. So, if someone is keeping you purposely on the spinning roller coaster and they show zero intentions to work things out with you and they keep you endlessly spinning on purpose, you know you are dealing with toxic people. If people make you sick and purposely keep you sick, you know you are dealing with the toxic people. There is no grey area with normal people. Normal people don´t fu…ck around. They will right away tell you and show you if you are in their black or white category. Stop abusing yourself with grey area. Stop accepting the “I don´t knows”. Well boo, if you don´t know, at least I know. You are not sure? I am sure. You are not clear? Well, I am very clear. It´s not about the other person, it was about you from the beginning. How important is someone´s “I don’t´know” when you know? Their “I don’t know” will terrorize your life only when you are not sure about your knowing. And when you are not sure about your knowing, you will look around to seek for external validations from others. When you know, you don´t look around anymore because you validate yourself, the validation comes from within you.
8-10
You know your knowing and you proceed with your knowing. You are in charge of your life. Other people´s indecisiveness should not impact your own decision. Can you imagine that the train would stop every 5 minutes to ask random people which way to go? Those people don’t even know you, they don´t know who you are, what makes you happy, what is the best for you, what are your needs and wants. So, why are you even asking them some questions? They can´t answer you something that you can find only within yourself. If you keep asking people which way you should go with your train, you will end up in the wrong direction, you will not like it there and on top of that the transfer to your location will take you 3 months instead of 3 hours because you stopped for every shizzz. And then you can´t blame those random people because you let others to decide for you. Stop asking others where you should go. This is your train, take pen and paper, write down what your trip should be about, what type of experience you would appreciate and expect, what makes you happy, then take the map and pen, mark the whole route to make sure you go the right direction and then you roll full speed, baby. No stopping for shizzz.
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Stop putting your life in other people´s hands. Stop letting people to decide for you and then being angry to them that they decided for you something that insults you, something you do not agree with, something you can´t relate to and something you don´t like. That’s where the sense of self and knowing your own self is important because people can dictate you who you are only if you don’t know who you are. You have to know yourself and define your own self. Once you know who you are, nobody can ever confuse you, nobody can dictate you anything because you know that you know and you follow your knowing without any doubt. It´s important to take time on your own to start knowing yourself. Only when you don´t know yourself, the manipulators are able to manipulate you because the manipulators will be molding you into their fantasy, mold, shape or form they want. You will become only a puppet in the master´s hands.
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You have to take the scissors and cut yourself off of the threats because the puppet master will never voluntarily give you your freedom. The freedom will be not given to you, YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT. Others should never dictate you your life, you should be dictating your life to others saying: “I deserve this, this and that and you do not represent what I deserve so goodbye”. But first, you have to be very clear about what you deserve. If you don´t know what you deserve, the toxic people will dictate you your value. And guess what. If you let other people deciding your price, you will most probably end up with a price tag “3 Dollars”. It must be you who put the price tag on you and make sure there is at least 3 Million Dollar” on that price tag, baby!
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Nothing like compromise does exist. What exactly you are compromising? There is no compromise with your core values, with your selflove, there is no grey are with this stuff. The grey area is when you let people 50% abuse you. But there is nothing like 50% abuse. You are either abused or you are not. You categorize this experience either to black or white category. Make yourself a list of your core values and stick to them. When you meet new people and they start to act “funny”, take your list of values and rationally think about if those people match with your values and if they don´t, reject them, delete them, block them and move on. Destroy everything that is trying to destroy you. Discard everything that is trying to discard you. Refuse everything that is refusing you.
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Your brain feels torn apart because you do compromises with your values. You can make compromise only about what soup you will be cooking for the dinner. Tomato or vegetable? But never with the core values. The core values are bold. You don´t discuss a shizzz with anybody when it comes to your core values. Compromise what? That you love green color and the other person want you to like yellow, so you come to the compromise that you go for purple? What kind of compromise is this? It´s not a compromise, it only means that you are with a wrong person who does not match your values and now you are like an acrobat trying to somehow fit the puzzle piece into a place where it does not fit because it does not belong there in the first place. You don´t need to do acrobatics with the right person. Because the right person has the same value as you do. That´s why you don´t need to do “compromise” with the right person 7 times a day like you have to do with the narcissist when you are pissing and shitting all over your core values for the “narcs”.
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If you ever considered to make compromise, at least make sure that the compromise goes both ways. The abusers always require compromise, that´s lovely, but they just somehow forgot to mention that they expect the compromise only from your side while they are not willing to compromise anything. Double standard is a form of abuse. You should not be adjusting your core values based on other people´s behavior. It should be actually the other way around – you should be adjusting people in your life based on if they match your values or not. If they match your values, they can stay, if they do not match your values, they have to go. I don´t question my intuition or red flags anymore. I always ask myself: “Is this person or situation black or white for me?” And I give myself 5 minutes to decide in which category I will put it. I make sure it will be categorized and I make sure that nothing will stay uncategorized. No more grey area. People either treat me 100% good or 100% bad. If they treat me 25% bad, I categorize it automatically to 100% black. Period. Because otherwise you are stuck in situations like when your boyfriend punches you in the face but then buys you flowers, new shoes and take you for a vacation. Yes, he did 70% good but the 30% is totally wrong and now you are stuck in grey area struggling with cognitive dissonance. Trauma makes traumatized people do all kind of crazy shizzz and it makes them to hurt others. I am so sorry for everyone who survived trauma and now they have to go through this extreme roller coasters in their heads. BUT trauma should not be used as an excuse to run around abusing others and spreading the trauma further. If you are mentally ill or you have mental health issues, go to the hospital, visit the doctor and seek help. Just because someone is traumatized or have mental health issues do not give them the free pass to act like jerks or to damage other people. I was traumatized too, and I don´t run around abusing people. Stop making excuses for toxic behaviors of others.
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The narcissists often act their trauma out unconsciously, but I do believe that in lot of the cases they know what they are doing. Maybe they don´t have the clinical name “narcissistic abuse” for what they do but they know they do something they should not be doing, and they know they do something bad to you. They know it very well. I recall a sentence that my first narcissistic ex said to me right before he caused my forced downfall with his abusive behavior: “You don´t deserve this”. And I remember I felt so confused so I asked him: “What do you mean I don´t deserve this? What are you talking about? I don´t understand….” And he kept repeating “You don´t deserve this”. He was plotting all his d3monic doings behind my back, and he absolutely and obviously knew it was wrong. He knew he should not be doing that. But he proceeded with his abuse anyway. He knew I did not deserve his abuse. But he abused me anyway and then he laughed in my face. The abusers know what they are doing. And it´s actually pretty d3monic. The narcissists lack only the empathy, they don´t lack the brain cells so they cognitively know they are hurting you, they just don´t care enough and they don´t possess enough empathy to stop themselves from hurting you.
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I recall one strange event with my first narcissistic ex that happened right before my downfall. I am an artist, and I am pretty much into anything connected to interior design and handmade. I somehow got an old cabinet somewhere. The cabinet was very low so I thought it would be nice to re-make it into a little table so we can eat behind this “table” on couch. I repaired it, I fixed it, I installed little wheels to the bottom to make this cabinet portable and I painted it with a red paint. It took me a time and effort to put it together. It was freshly painted. My back then boyfriend came with a knife or a screwdriver (I can´t recall what exact tool it was) to this cabinet while I was on the couch right in front of him and he started to scratch the new paint on that cabinet with that tool. I thought I am dreaming! The whole time he was looking right into my face to see my reaction to sponge the negative narcissistic supply from me. I told him: Did you lost your mind? I just freshly painted it!”. And he just answered: “It´s just an old cabinet”. Then he stopped to scratch the cabinet and he just held that tool right in front of me in the air and he was just staring at me and staring at me and staring at me in silence. And there was something strange in his eyes. Like his eyes went black and suddenly there was nothing in his eyes. And for a second, I have got this weird feeling like he wants to jump at me and stab me with that tool. But immediately I thought: “Linda, it´s your boyfriend, he would never hurt you”. And I brushed this feeling off. Then he just silently left still holding that tool in front of him. It was a bizarre event like from some movie and it definitely gave me some goosebumps.
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The side chick was fighting for my narcissistic ex like her life depended on it. And I was like: “Guuurl, you can have him forever, chill out”. Nobody healthy and in the right mind fights for a cheap psycho trash. Men who are stealing, cheating, lying, manipulating, hurting others are not a win. It´s all yours. I have got my freedom and you have got what you deserved too.
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Tho, one of the last sentences that my narcissistic ex told me before he discarded me and ran to another continent to marry the new source of supply was: “I feel empty. I don´t believe in love”. Well, I have an answer for this. He feels empty because that’s´what narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths feel. They feel chronic emptiness because they are the empty vessels. They are soulless. They are heartless. Instead of a soul, they have a black hole in their chests. I found it very strange that someone would marry a woman right after he said that he does not believe in love. So, if you don´t believe in love, what exactly was the reason you married her? I have answer for this one too. Visa. It is not a coincidence that he and his best friend were talking about their dream to live on that particular continent for pretty long time and then he found a new girlfriend from exactly that continent. Till Visa do us part …
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The narcissists are not capable of love because part of their diagnosis is lack of empathy. When you lack empathy, you are capable basically anything. You don´t feel bad for hurting others, you don´t feel guilty for stealing from someone, you don´t give a three flying fffff about punching someone in their face, you don´t feel responsible for the hunger of your kids, you don´t care if you are hurting your partner with cheating. Not having empathy means your consciousness is either very sleepy or absolutely d3ad. The narcissist´s “empathy” is fake and an illusion. They are just good actors.
28-30
The proof that their empathy is fake is that they practice double standard for kindness. Why do you think they treat someone so nice while they treat someone else with extreme cruelty and like trash for no reason? Because it´s a manipulation. It´s not normal that they treat one person like a royalty while they can literately watch the other person di3 in front of them while they are kicking that person with heavy boots. What kind of kindness is this? The narcissists are the opportunists. They will treat you not how you deserve to be treated but they will treat you based on how it is beneficial for them at the moment. When the narcissists treat you nice, don´t get very comfortable with it because they can switch on you anytime. Just because the narcissists are nice to you at this moment, does not mean they will be nice to you in 3 days or 3 years. The narcissists can treat you the nicest way and in 3 days they can destroy your life like there is no tomorrow. Also, if they are cruel and horrible to you, they can suddenly treat you like a royalty out of nowhere when they feel that you can be somehow beneficial for their selfish self-serving agenda again, so don´t put your guards down in their presence. The narcissist´s “love” is only a transactional business. “Feelings” will be adjusted the same way how the sailors adjusting their boats according to the blowing wind. It´s not personal. It´s just how the “business” goes.
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People who possess empathy do not practice “selective kindness” like the narcissists do. Genuinely kind people are kind to everybody. They don´t treat a waitress in the restaurant like a monster and then turn around and treat a friend who eats behind the table with them sweeter than the cake. The genuinely kind people don´t make one person feeling amazing just to hurt another person. Normal people do not weaponize kindness to hurt someone. Kindness and hurting are contraindicate. Kindness and hurting are on the opposite sides of the scale so you will never find them to be present in the same room at the same time. If kindness is being used as a weapon to destroy and hurt someone, you know it´s a manipulation. Genuinely kind people do not operate this way. The genuinely kind people are not capable to hurt someone. The narcissists marry solely for cover up and cold bl00ded benefits. For the same surreal reason why my first narcissistic ex converted to catholic religion literary overnight. You don´t go from being a non-believer having zero interest in anything related to religions to suddenly morphing into a monk who sits in the church 5 times a day and make tons of selfies working hard on convincing the audience on social medias that you are a really really really religious person. What people would not do for Visa lol. You don´t change your core belief systems overnight just like that. Yes, people can change, just not overnight. I know that very well because I spent many years working hard on myself, so I know exactly what it takes to change yourself and therefore nobody can lie to me on this. I can recognize BS when I see one.
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What does it take to change? It takes tons of books on psychology and spirituality to read, it takes hundreds of hours of reading articles on self-development on the internet, it takes taking e-courses instead of partying and going out having fun, it takes lot of sacrifice, it takes “dark night of the soul”, not one, but few of them, it takes a lot of growing pain and acceptance of that pain, it takes sitting in that pain for months and months and months in the darkness and alone, it takes watching thousands of videos on the internet on how to improve and change yourself, it takes showing up for your therapy for years. Change takes lot of time, effort, energy and commitment. You have to put a hard work into your change on a daily basis for years. So, when I see people “to change overnight”, I know I am dealing with the manipulators. You are not an abusive toxic trash person on Monday and by Tuesday you magically change into a saint good boy monk. Shizzz does not work this way. We all who had put years and years of hard work into changing ourselves know this very well. The only people who “change overnight” are shape shifting narcissists who are fake and wear masks. They wear mask A on Monday and exchange it for mask B on Tuesday. This is not healing. This is not changing. This is bypass. This is cheating. This is manipulation. This is lie. This is illusion. This is mask. And underneath that fake mask, it´s the same trash on Tuesday that was there also on Monday.
33
I never liked my first narcissistic ex´s family and his best friend. I only tolerated them because that time I loved my ex and you know how the saying goes “the love is blind”. That time I did not know why I don´t like them, I could not put my finger on it… Why I feel this internal conflict, aversion, and repulsion towards his family and best friend? Every-time I had an excuse to avoid them, I did avoid them. Now I know why. My “internal empath GPS” was screaming at me “warning, the narcissists right in front of you” the whole time. I just could not align with their energy. When you recognize that someone is a narcissist, you can be sure that one or both of his or her parents will be the narcissists too because narcissism is a generational trauma. It is passed from one generation to another. I wish I knew this before I joined their family. His best friend is a gay. Once this best friend invited me to his home for a little party. I came and I caught this best friend kissing with another man in the kitchen. I mean, nothing strange, right? I am an artist, so we are very open-minded and non-judgmental, I don´t mind people being gay, I don´t put my nose into other people´s business. Until you don´t touch my freedom, I don´t touch yours. Freedom and rainbows is my legacy. And you somehow expect gays kissing on gay´s party, right? Tho, this man who was kissing with this best friend had a girlfriend sitting in the other room and they were above to get married. I am not remembering this part properly, but she might be even pregnant that time. This man was covering up for being a secret gay by dating a woman. This man and his girlfriend both come from very religious background and his family would never “survive” and accept the fact that he is a gay, so he basically sacrificed this woman like a lamb for a cover up to look straight in front on the society. Imagine that you marry a man, have a child with him and the entire time you don´t know that your man is secretly gay and even have s3x with multiple male partners. What a betrayal! This woman will spend at least 10 years in therapy just to recover from this. This man had affairs with other gays the entire time he was coming home pretending to be a perfect husband to a woman. My narcissistic ex´s best friend did not possess the moral compass to have compassion towards this woman. He literary was kissing with her boyfriend while she was sitting in the other room. I always saw his best friend as someone very sneaky, shady, two faced and I never trusted him. I caught him in lies often. He manufactured his whole CV just to get a job claiming that he has a diploma from some University that he never studied at. He finished his high school and that is his highest school degree. He was a pathological liar. Few times I suspected that my narcissistic ex might be gay too, but I brushed it off every single time. I even asked him multiple times: “Are you sure you are not gay”? He always had very feminine energy and he was always surrounded by his gay best friend and their gay friends. Every time we went out to have fun, we were always in company of gays, they always chose some gay bar to spend night there. Every single time. My narcissistic ex never took me to any “normal place” in 10 years, only to gay places. Imagine that you don´t take your girlfriend on a proper romantic dinner out (not fuck_ing once) in 10 years but you are constantly taking her to gay bars. Like …. wtf? What a straight guy would be OK with spending literary every free time in gay bars? Many times, I was sitting in those gay bars with them and asking myself: “What the ffff I am even doing here?”. My ex was even doing sleep overs at those gay´s couples. What straight guy would go to sleep at gay´s home leaving his girlfriend at home alone? And then sending her selfies as he lies down on the bed between two gays all laughing? I unfortunately never got a direct proof, or I never caught my ex red handed but I always had this weird thoughts creeping in the back of my mind that what I was experiencing was definitely not a standard situation. Sometimes, I feel like my whole life in the past was one “What the fffff was this??” Like my whole life was just one big fat lie. And everybody knew it was a lie, except me.
34
To this day, I somehow feel that my first narcissistic ex might be a secret gay. He had a very feminine energy and he even looked more feminine than masculine. His behavior was also very feminine. He loved to gossip a lot. That´s very feminine. Normal healthy man would never gossip or fight with a woman like a little b_itch. Real man wants peace. Peace is opposite of drama. Real man is peaceful. Real man is minding his own business. He is in his healthy masculine energy. Real man is not running around plotting, gossiping, triangulating, dramatizing, fighting with females and in general, running around like a little sisi. He is most likely in his garage quietly working on his projects, he is not nonstop on his phone writing with all of his female exes, side chicks and gay friends constantly creating drama. You know that the man is healthy when he brings peace to his woman, he is peaceful and mature. You know that the man is sick when he acts childish and creates havoc everywhere he enters. Sick man is very restless and reckless. When man is in a very feminine energy, he will act like a little sisi bi_tch and he will be very bit_chy.
35
In general, you know you deal with a healthy person (and this goes for both, men and women), when the person has a balance between masculine and feminine energy. The feminine energy represents emotions while the masculine energy represents logic. In order to be a healthy individual, you have to have your emotions well balanced with logic. A normal healthy person has 50% masculine energy and 50% feminine energy. If a man is 100% in his feminine energy, he will be acting like a little b_itch, he would be overly emotional and he will lack balls. When the man is 100% in his masculine energy, he will be very aggressive, emotionally unavailable and openly abusive towards women. A normal healthy man has a well-balanced energies so his feminine side is very nurturing and caring and his masculine energy is peaceful, logical and he has balls. When the woman is in her 100% feminine energy, she will be too bit_chy, she will be too emotional and all over the place without any common sense. When she is only in 100% masculine energy, she will dress, act and talk manly like a real man and that´s disgusting. No real man wants a manly woman. When woman has a well-balanced energies, her feminine side is very nurturing and caring, and her masculine side helps her to think logically, being peaceful and get stuff done.
36
The whole experience with the narcissists from my past felt like a spiritual attack. This all felt beyond psychology and beyond abuse. I even experienced one strange mystical event right after my downfall, right after my first narcissistic ex discarded me. I was sleeping in my rented room. And I woke up because someone knocked on the door three times. There were pretty loud knocks. The next day, I asked the other people I was sharing the apartment with if they heard the knocking. They all said no. I thought that maybe I am over-stressed, and my brain is playing the mind tricks on me. So, I brushed it off. But the knocking on the door repeated the next night. And the next night again. And on the third night, I felt that the air in the room became all of the sudden colder and something really dark entered the room. I can literately write an entire book on my experiences with paranormal activities and ghosts. So, this is nothing new to me. Since I was a child, I was experiencing paranormal on the regular. But I never experienced such a dark heavy bad energy before. This was the only time I came into the contact with something paranormal that felt really scary. I was sleeping on my stomach and suddenly I felt like something of a size of a big dog jumped on my back and then all I remember is that I was in this silent spiritual battle with something very dark and I was fighting for my soul. It felt like it wanted to penetrate my soul. But I won. I woke up the next day and I was tripping. And I was scared few days after too, I could not brush off this experience from my mind. What was that? I have no idea. But it felt like a spiritual attack.
37
My whole downfall 6-7 years ago felt like a spiritual attack. I was attacked by something really dark. But also, I felt like I am protected by the whole Universe and G0d. So many paranormal activities that saved my ass happened to me that I don´t even know where to start with the examples so I share with you some of those examples that randomly came into my mind right now. Right after my downfall and after my art career was destroyed, I was searching for a regular job. I was on internet searching for a job for barely 20 minutes when I received a Facebook message. It was a colleague I used to work with in the same team in American corporation in the past. I almost forgot I have him in my friendlist because we never been in touch since I left the corporation. He wrote me out of nowhere for no reason after pretty long time. He wrote: “Hi Lily, how are you? I did not hear from you such a long time and you just popped up in my head for no reason, so I wrote you.” I said hi back to him and also that I am searching for a job. And he said: “Wow, that´s a coincidence … you remember that team we used to work in? One girl is leaving for maternity leave, and they need someone to replace her. Are you interested?” Guys, I had a new job in 20 minutes, they hired me immediately. This is how G0d operates. He will never leave you in troubles. If you are a real G0d´s child, your Father will take care of you 100%. He will be sending you miracles.
38
Right after my downfall and me losing everything including my money, the abusers knew that they left me in a bad situation. But G0d did not leave his G0d´s child to be abused and left alone in the desert to di3. Here is another example how G0d is sending miracles for His kids: I received a phone call out of nowhere for no reason and I was informed that I inherited money after my grandfather´s d3ath. I felt so confused. My biological grandfather di3ed years ago, my step grandfather was still alive, and my other biological grand father was also still alive (tho, he was never present in my life). Are you sure you have the right person? And they did. I inherited money after a person I never met, and I never knew. It was a biological father of my stepfather who di3d and left me his money. In my stepfamily, we never talked about this person, I did not even know he existed. I did not inherited lot of money as this person was a broke alc0holic but it was enough money to help me back on my feet in the beginning after my tragic downfall. G0d never abandoned me, He took care of me. And notice the timing. All miracles were sent to me in the perfect timing.
39-40
G0d is 4 things: love, light, peace and abundance. If someone comes to your life spreading nothing just hate, darkness, chaos, stress and try to make you poor, it´s not coming from G0d, it´s coming from Sattan. G0d wants you to be happy, blessed, and abundant. When you are a real G0d´s child and you know for a fact that you are a good innocent genuine person, you never did anybody dirt and your soul and heart are pure, you are what I call “a darling of the Universe”. Blessings will be sent your way by the Universe for no reason out of nowhere. I can only imagine how my narcissistic enemies were furious that they did not take me down with their daddy Sattan because G0d stepped in and took care of me. The ride that the narcissistic abusers from my past were riding on my expense thinking it was for free, it was not for free. It´s just that the bill to pay will come later. And for some of the abusers from my past, the bill already came. Karma never forgets. You can fool people, but you can´t fool G0d. At least 1/3 of the abusers from my past are even d3ath by now. My step grandfather who molested me? Once I overheard my drunk step grandmother saying that my step grandfather went through a surgery, and they had to remove one of his balls. Bro will be lucky to be able to pee from his flute. My biological black magic grandmother was trying to hurt me with a witch_c_raft, we found potatoes with my and my mother´s photos attached to those potatoes in her home. Our faces on those photos were pierced with needles. She died right around that time on an aggressive form of cancer. The potatoes did not even start to rot properly, and she was gone. Never f_uck with real G0d´s kids, G0d will not let you get away with it.
41-42
Karma started with my stepfather already in my childhood. My stepfather was a corrupted soul on so many levels. He was a narcissist, alc0holic, and he was beating us at home on regular. Especially after my mother threaten him with divorce, the abuse intensified. He was drinking even more often, he became even more vi0lent and the whole situation was going out of control. My stepfather was a politician and we had 2 guns at home. Having a psychopathic individual and 2 guns at home is not a good combination. He was threatening my mother with ki11ing her often, especially around that time of divorce. One day, he came home, and he beaten us pretty bad. My mother is a covert narcissist so she is always the biggest victim in the world while I was programmed by my narcissistic mother to be a codependent and to always push my pain, my bruises and my tears aside so I can take care of my mother´s crying, her wants, her needs and her safety while nobody was giving 3 flying ffff about my tears, my wants, my needs and my safety. It was always all about my mother. To take care of my mother and to comfort my mother while nobody was taking care of me or comforting me. I was trained by the vi0lence since childhood to have a pretty high threshold for pain, so I was never crying no matter how hard I was beaten. I knew that nobody would care about my tears anyway. My mother was always dramatic, crying so loudly and involving everybody in their drama while I was the silent victim. After my stepfather finished his vi0lent rodeo at home, I took care of my mother. He jumped on the bed and was kicking my mother in the area where she had the kidney so I was afraid if she might not have an internal bleeding. I wanted to call the ambulance, but my mother refused. So, I tried to at least calm her down and help her to fall asleep while I was also calming down my brother who was that time only a baby. He was hysterically crying in his little bed in the same room. My stepfather returned to the room and he switched on the light. That was the last straw for me. It took me pretty some time to calm my mother and brother down and now my stepfather came into the dark room agonizing us with his presence again and even switched on the light even he knew we are trying to fall asleep there. I lost my shizzz. I jumped out of the bed, I stood right in front of him and I said to him: “I hate you. I wish you die!!!” He put his hand up like he wants to punch me but for some reason he put his hand back down. He looked around like he suddenly realized what he has done to his family, and he answered to me: “Forget it. Forget everything”. Then he literary ran away from home. We lived on the 8th floor, and he did not even take the elevator, he was just running down the stairs like crazy. Once he left, I took care of my own injuries, I moved to a living room, I sat on the couch still shaking and I was thinking for myself that this all will end up in a great tragedy. He will ki11 us one day. As I was sitting in the dark in the living room, I could still hear both my mother and my brother slightly crying, they were half sleep and half crying, and I felt like I am going crazy. I felt so much rage and hate towards my stepfather and I wished d3ath on him. I could not think about anything else that night than wanting my stepfather to di3. That night was the last time I saw him. In couple of hours, we received a phone call. My stepfather was driving a car drunk and he had a car accident. We rushed to the hospital, but he lost his life. My last words to him were: “I wish you die”. G0d entered the chat. G0d is neither good, nor bad. He is fair play. You will always get exactly what you deserve. People always say that “G0d is good”. I don´t agree with that. G0d can be even cruel if He feels you deserve it. Find the story about Noah and the great fluid in Bible. G0d ki11ed everybody on this planet except few people (including Noah) and few animals. G0d ki11ed more people with this great fluid than H1tler in 2nd WW. Karma is a seed. You don´t receive your karma the day you plant the seed into the soil. It takes time until the plant grows and only then you will see if you reap the fruits or the thistles.
Youtube song: Johnny Cash – God´s Gonna Cut You Down
43-44
When I was searching on the internet for some useful copying mechanism I can use to cope with this brutal situation such as narcissistic abuse, I had often read an advice about how important is to have a support system so you don´t spiral into the darkness. This advice kinda pissed me off. Maybe this advice works in different situations, but this advice is useless when it comes to narcissistic abuse. Simply, because part of the narcissistic abuse consists of the narcissists purposely destroying your social circle and turning all people against you. The narcissists are purposely destroying your support system. Once my first narcissistic ex was done with me, I had nobody to turn to for help or at least for few warm words of encouragement. We both shared the same circle of friends, they all turned me back and some of them even helped him to cover his crime and abuse. Then, nobody even wanted to pick up my phone because they knew that what they have done to me was brutal and sattanic. They knew they had set me up, dragged me into the middle of hot desert without a water where they kicked me into my teeth in a group like the cowards and hyenas they are, where they totally overpowered me, and they left me there for d3ath. I felt literary like a sacrificed lamb. Like sacrificed Jes_us. That´s why they can´t even look my way or into my eyes because what they would see, all the 3vil things they have done to me, it would trigger their deep narcissistic shame and they do not want to be reminded of their sins they committed against G0d. The narcissists want to take everything from you. They want you to have nothing. They just can´t leave you in a decent way. Before they leave you, they make sure they destroyed you and make no mistake, it is done on purpose.
45-47
I feel like my first narcissistic ex took a pen and paper and he wrote a list of everything he wanted to squeeze off of me before he leaves me. And he did squeeze everything till the very last drop from my lemon. Right before he left me, he took me on a trip to their cottage house their family owns in the middle of the mountains. I was happy because I can count on my one hand how many times my narcissistic ex took me on some trip in 10 years. Maybe three times to their cottage house in mountains, end of list. Oh sorry, we went once on a vacation to Bulgaria in those 10 years, somewhere in the beginning of our relationSHIT (it´s important to say that I paid half of my vacation, he did not pay for me). I was looking forward to some chill-out and some hiking. Nothing of this happened. No chill-out. No hiking. No adventures. No nice memories. Nothing romantic. Business as usual … He turned me into a free worker and slave.
48
Right after our arrival, he, his father and his brother started to work around the house. They were filling some gaps around the rain drain with some concrete. And my narcissistic ex included me into their work. His whole narcissistic family were always treating me like their scapegoat. Interesting that they did not call the mother or the girlfriend of his brother to work around the house, only me. It was not even a type of a job that a woman should be doing in the first place. That type of a job was for a man, not for a woman. His family was always scapegoating me while they chose the brother´s girlfriend to be their “golden child”. This girl was a spoiled brat, always lazy, always sitting on her ass doing nothing, always complaining about everything with her very annoying voice. She was extremely annoying and draining person to be around. Maybe my mother in law liked her so much because they were so alike. Both covert narcissists. They all were always treating her nicely while they were treating me badly and making me feel unwelcomed and left out. They always made me feel like I am not even part of their family. While she was always sitting on her ass reading a book or in general doing nothing, they always involved me into working either around their house or in their garden. If I was sitting for more than 5 minutes, my toxic covert narcissistic mother in law was right behind me being passive-aggressive doing toxic comments about me.
49
I could not please this woman no matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried. When I was doing nothing, I was lazy, when I stood up from the chair and went to clean the dishes, she came to me just to watch me the whole time I was cleaning those dishes and to make stupid comments about how I clean those dishes putting me down in a covert way and laughing at me. When I tried to help in the garden, she would stand right next to me mocking me the entire time, even involved others into the mockery: “Look at how Linda is doing this or that ha-ha” and she would make others to laugh at me too. She was definitely the typical Karen from mean girls club.
50-51
She was constantly over-criticizing me. I was working the entire “trip”. They were trying to turn a pretty large ground plot into a garden so before they could plant the grass, the stones needed to be removed from the soil and in general, do the clean up of the entire place. I spent the whole day on four cleaning the soil from the stones. While, of course, the golden child girlfriend of his brother was sitting on her ass doing nothing, again. Then I took the old furniture of my mother in law to basement where I spent few days repairing and painting it while outside was a nice weather that everybody enjoyed while I was down in an old ugly dark basement alone working on that furniture and nobody even came to check on me the entire time. His whole toxic narcissistic family was often making fun of me and mocking me while they were always praising the girlfriend of his brother literary for nothing. The narcissistic household is a shame-based household, shaming is being served daily. That´s why people who grew up in the narcissistic households are often feeling pathological shame because they were mocked, laughed at, guilt tripped and shamed often. They were always pushing me aside. My narcissistic ex never helped my mother around her property, but he expected me to always help his parents around theirs. He treated me poorly the entire “trip” being nervous to me without any reason while he was using me to be his free worker. I felt used.
52-53
His mother is a covert narcissist, she has pathologically low self-esteem and the only way how she could feel better about her miserable self was putting me down. There is a special place in hell for women who put other women down. She was always low key arrogant to me. She always made me feel like trash. The low self-esteem is a generational trauma and because my mother-in-law was suffering from a very low self-esteem, she could not help to develop the healthy self-esteem in my ex, so he also had a very low self-esteem. The core problem of narcissism is low self-esteem. The narcissist´s low self-esteem is so pathologically low that they have to literary abuse others to feel better about themselves. It was around that time when we came back from that “trip” when my narcissistic ex discarded me overnight. He is a low life existence. Imagine that you are planning to discard your girlfriend and you literary have no shame to use her as your free slaver right before you discard her. These d3mons literary have no shame. Tho, I am glad I have got rid of that toxic family. Especially his toxic narcissistic mother.
54-56
The narcissists try to ki11 you in a legal way. They will keep abusing you until they literary push you into a suicid3. And nobody can lock them up in a prison for this kind of murd3r. I literary felt like they tried to ki11 me. Especially, when you have also a narcissistic family on top of all the mess, baby, you are on your own. Your narcissistic family wants to see you d3ad and wants to see you fail so they will not help you. They will let you spiral with a smile on their face. It´s funny for them. They will make a popcorn, sit on the couch, watch your downfall in silence and with a smirk on their faces. If they don´t see you fail, it makes them angry or disappointed. When the narcissistic fake friends (aka “the flying monkeys”) call you with their “what´s up, how are you”, it´s not because they love you or care for you or try to help you in your desperate situation. It´s because they love toxic gossip, feed off of your pain, feed off of the drama, they want to spy on you, they want to extract information from you, and they want to check on you if you failed and spiraled down or not. You can hear their disappointment in their voice when they figure out that you are still standing. If they see that you are still alive, they will disappear and come back later again just to investigate whether you are still breathing or not. You can even hear their deceptive voice of Judas, you can sense their sadistic smile on the phone while you are talking about your tragic moments. Our common friend (my first narcissistic ex´s gay best friend) is a narcissist and a flying monkey. And he would call me often during my downfall. It was weird because normally, he would barely call me and now he was calling me very often and he was constantly asking me what I do and what I feel. I found it really strange that he suddenly cared so much about my whereabouts and feelings. I was still in the fog not understanding what was going on during my downfall while he already knew very well what was going on behind my back. He was feeding off of my pain like an energy vampire and misleading me with fake information that contributed even more to my confusion. He was constantly coming up with new and new lies to take me further and further from the truth.
57
Once the truth was revealed itself, he was suddenly posting on social media photos and captions to purposely hurt me “celebrating” the new source of supply and expressing his excitement for the upcoming wedding. “The narcissistic PR” was done in a sadistic manner. This is being called “a digital abuse”. One of the examples of digital abuse is when the narcissists are posting on internet and social media any form of content with a purpose to hurt and provoke the victims. And no, you are not crazy and paranoid, this is really happening to you. The narcissists will post their content in such a way that other people will not catch on it, only the victims know that the content was meant for them. It´s actually very sadistic. He was literary enjoying my downfall. The narcissists are deeply fff…ed up and mentally ill people. I could sense the d3monic energy coming from all of them. I had to delete and block that little biaaatch too. Who needs enemies when you have friends like this? He was actually the person who introduced my narcissistic ex to his new source of supply. What a wonderful friend, isn´t it? So, he really knew what was going on literary from the beginning. And yet, he was still coming to visit me, sitting behind my table, eating my food from my plates in my home playing mind games trying to convince me that he has no idea what was going on. That´s next level of Judas audacity.
58
I remember the first suspicion I had on my first narcissistic ex cheating on me. When he gifted me the smartphone, I tried to connect with him on one of those app chats, I can´t remember which one was it. And I saw that he had a profile picture – his portrait with some woman. I confronted him about it, and he said that while he was working in Norway, some random woman on the street asked him if he can take a picture with her because she thought he looks like a singer from Maroon 5. He told me that they took this photo for fun and then he forgot to delete it. I found it ridiculous but for some reason I brushed it off. When my narcissistic ex disappeared out of nowhere, I noticed that his best friend posted a new photo on social media and in that photo, there was the same woman sitting with them behind the table, but now, in a completely different country. Wtf, such a coincidence to meet a random stranger again but this time in a different country, isn´t it? I contacted his best friend and asked him who is this person. He answered that I should not worry about her because it´s only their friend. Literary everybody knew what was going on behind my back, except me. And they all have been playing mind games with me for 2 years.
59
When my ex father in law came to pick up the box with my ex´s clothes and pile of his p0rn CDs because this narcissistic r3tard did not have enough dignity and decency to come for his stuff in person, I asked my ex father in law what the he11 is going on and he was also lying right into my face. He must already knew that his son is above to marry the new source of supply, yet, he was also playing the mind games with me. I remember how my narcissistic ex´s father once told me that he loves me like his own daughter. He told me that he has two sons, but he always wanted a daughter. So, this is how you treat your daughter? Someone who was like your family for a decade? And as it was not enough, my narcissistic ex sent his father to pick up his stuff on my Birthday. Imagine that your boyfriend ruins your Bday every single year for 10 years and then he has the audacity to send his father to fffff up your last Bday too with such an insensitive and sadistic gesture. The narcissists are famous for ruining people´s special occasions. They usually break up with you on Christmas or make you purposely discover their cheating on your BDay. They do it on purpose. The narcissists can´t control their urge when it comes to extracting the narcissistic supply from people. It was very 3vil. Especially when he knew that my Bday was hard on me because my stepfather di3d around my Bday. He could literarily choose any other day to do so but he purposely and sadistically chose my Bday to ruin ANOTHER of my special occasions. The narcissists are Satttan´s children.
60
The narcissists are those type of people who steal from you your last cigarette and then smoke that cigarette right in front of you while laughing in your face. They wear you down and beat you down to the point you don´t have energy or self-esteem to fight back. You don´t even have resources to fight them back because they stole all of your resources. “They” force you into isolation but the victims also start to isolate themselves behind the closed doors anyway spiraling into the depressions. “They” even take away from you the right to be angry. I only came into the contact with his new source of supply in the beginning when we exchanged few very heated e-mails (basically, I argued with her until I realized that she is even bigger narcissist than he is and she only thrives on this drama trying to suck the energy out of me, then I cut her off… tho, speak about karma when narcissist marries another narcissist…) and this new source of supply told me: “Linda, if you continue to be such an angry woman, no man will ever want you, you will stay alone forever”. What a ffff audacity of someone who just stole my man, my money and destroyed my life to even try to take the right to be angry from me. And not only that but they were silencing me every time I tried to investigate and resolve the situation or speak the truth. She would create a fake social media account just to pretend she is a lawyer sending me threatening messages and when I did not react, she would just delete that account. I received million friend requests on social media just for them trying to invade my privacy. I was bu11ied out of the internet 6 years ago by digital abuse. She would copy my sentence from my post on social media and paste it on her social media pretending those are her sentences. She would compete with me and copy me. At that time, I had no idea why she was doing it, but I remember how it made me feel years ago - it made me feel like she is a psych0 woman from some horror movie and she is after me doing really weird shizzz that was tripping me out. Guuurl was definitely not right in her head.
61
Paradoxically, they called me the crazy one. Psychological bu11ying and emotional abuse is really hard to describe to someone who never experienced it. So, the easiest way is to use some examples. When I was very young, I was on my way to one of the first dates with my first narcissistic ex. I knew he loves waffles so, I had this crazy idea to bring him waffles to our date. He took me for the dates only few times in the very beginning, then he ignored me for 10 years. I was standing in a full bus, in one hand the waffles, in the other hand a whipped cream in spray… and people in that bus were so amused by what I was doing to the point they all started to laugh at me because as I was preparing those waffles, I was losing my stability. The driver was a little bit wild that night, so some people were helping me either to keep my stability or helping me with the waffles. It was very humorous story and very special to me. It was a hot summer so once I have got out of the bus, the cream melted, and I ended up right in front of my narcissistic ex looking like a complete mess. I reminded him about this story via e-mail once he disappeared (that time I did not know he is cheating on me, I thought that maybe he is just going through some personal crisis, I thought that he really took the vacation with the male friends to clean his head and I tried to resolve the crisis as all girlfriends would do in order to safe their relationships). The narcissistic new source of supply is very controlling, she is reading his e-mails and she definitely read this message too and guess what. She took a photo of a plate full of waffles, the whipped cream was overflowing from the plate, and she posted it on social media. She wanted to one up me and to destroy the only few good memories I had with my narcissistic ex. And only G0d knows that I can count good memories with this sick individual only on one hand.
62-63
I am an artist, I love doing art. In fact, I had art shows all over the world. Suddenly, the new narcissistic supply was taking pictures of her sitting behind the painting easel acting like famous Pablo. Even she had no history related to art and painting. She seriously wanted to compete with me with no artistic skills, no natural talent for painting, with her art looking like shizzz, she wanted to compete with someone who was a professional artist exhibiting and selling her art in many foreign countries being a respected artist worldwide for years. I don´t want to sound arrogant but … can we stick to sanity, please? It´s like me who know nothing about exercise and barely know the difference between the pushups and squats would come to gym and try to compete with the pro gym people who are "gym-ing" for many years and trying to tell them what to do. These pro gym people would look at me like I am crazy or something. She discovered an existence of brushes on Thursday and thought she can over-fu_ck me in art by Friday. Speak about narcissistic grandiosity.
Youtube song Mars Argo - I Can Only Be Me
64-65
The narcissistic side chick destroyed my artistic dreams that I was working on literary many years with her abuse and bulling just to take some pictures of her pretending to be an artist on social media. The narcissists are deeply disillusioned. This is being called “rewriting the history”. It´s when the new narcissistic partners want to rewrite the history the victims had with their exes by copying the victim´s memories and then re-experiencing them. The narcissists and their new toxic partners go as far as visiting the same locations and hotels that they were visiting with the victims in the past, even taking the same pictures from the same places (for example, from the same spot on some mountain hills) and the same restaurants (even sitting behind the exact same tables). The new narcissistic partners go as far as copying personal style of the victims such as haircuts, hobbies, fashion style, music taste, etc. The psych0 narcissistic new partners want to morph into the exes of their partners.
66-67
The narcissists lack of personality thus they are always copying everybody around them, they are stealing other people´s identities. To identify a narcissist, look for these two important red flags: first red flag is lack of empathy, and the second red flag is instability in personality. The narcissists are always copying and mimicking their targets. The narcissists are just empty shells, so they do not have any personality, all they have is their “false self mask” and therefore they often operate as chameleons. If you see someone to “shape shift” way too often, there is a big chance that you are dealing with a narcissist. The narcissists have no idea who they are so they can be anybody they want, they change their fake personalities often. If the target is a Catholic, the narcissist becomes Catholic overnight too, just like that and without any reason or explanation. If you ask the narcissist why they suddenly became the Catholic overnight, they will not have any solid answer for this (if any), only some shallow pseudo explanation or they will even just silently stare at you with their blank narcissistic stare not giving you any answer on your question. There will be no knowledge or depth in their interest in religion. One day, they are non-believers and the next day they are devoted Catholics and there will be no transition time that would give them the appropriate space and time to adjust to those changes, to study the religion, to read the Bible, etc. The narcissists are changing their masks more often than normal people changing their socks. One day, they will wear cross pendant on their neck, the next day they will tell you they don´t believe in God. One day, they will copy their artistic friend wearing crazy artistic clothes, the next day they will copy heavy metal friend. Once you finish a painting and post a photo of it on the social media, in no time the narcissists will copy your painting and present it on the internet as their own art and idea. Copying is not flattering, it´s actually very abusive. Being inspired and literary targeting someone, stalking them 24/7 and stealing all of their personality and work is two different things. You are rap1ng the target´s soul when you are constantly stealing their mind, their soul, their ideas, their essence, their emotions, their heart, their work, their memories, their individuality, their soul. It´s very abusive.
68
The narcissists are very dangerous with their obsession towards their targets, sometimes it can get to the point that the narcissists might even ki11 the target or at least cause a bad mental health to the target. If you were ever abused and bullied (like I was), you can easily spot abuse and bullying of others. I recognized right away what was happening with the romantic triangle between Justin Bieber, Hailey Bieber and Selena Gomez. Justin and Hailey are both narcissists. Hailey was obsessed with both Justin and Selena since her teenage years.
69
Be careful with this type of narcissistic side chicks. They are legit psych0. Hailey was publicly praising Selena for years on Twitter with many flattering tweets while she was also shading her. The narcissists are very sneaky and passive aggressive so while they are smiling in your face, they are stabbing you in your back.
70
While she was pretending to be Selena´s and Justin´s friend, she was plotting to get Justin for herself. She infiltrated into Selena´s and Justin´s social circle and she started to cheat with Justin and stealing Selena´s friends and turning them against Selena.
71
Years later, Justin married Hailey behind Selena´s back out of nowhere. Just like all narcissists do. And it was still not enough for psych0 Hailey to leave it at that. She continues to stalk and bully Selena to this day. Always mocking her, constantly bullying her out of pathological envy, and copying her every move. At this point, I see Hailey´s pathological stalking, bullying and copying dangerous. Justin is a narcissist and he uses Hailey as a tool to hurt Selena and get under her skin and Hailey gladly plays this role out of hate towards Selena. Justin and Hailey literary work together to bring Selena down. Hailey obsessively copies Selena. When Selena wears something, in no time, Hailey wears exactly the same clothes. When Selena had a cooking show, Hailey repeated right after Selena. Of course, Selena did not invent cooking shows but it´s psych0 when Hailey used the same sentences as Selena during the cooking and even do her cooking show exactly the same way as Selena. The stalker Hailey is going as far as visiting the same restaurants as Selena at the same time only to irritate Selena with her toxic and mocking presence.
Youtube song Eva Grace - Always be a fan
72-75
Just yesterday Selena posted on her social media photo of her haircut from the past with a caption that she likes her hair shorter considering cutting her hair that way again. The very next day, Hailey came on social media with a new haircut looking just like that one on Selena´s photo with a caption how shorter hair is prettier and she basically repeated everything Selena said the day before. The fun is that only few days prior, Hailey posted a photo of her with a caption that it took her 3 years to grow her hair this long so she can wear her ponytail even without extensions and she was excited about it. I wonder if Selena will tell that it´s cool to jump out of the bridge, if Hailey would jump lol.
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When someone is on your ass 24/7 for years and copy every word you say, copy everything you wear and do, it has very bad effect on your mental health. It´s a form of bullying, not to mention that stalking someone for years every day is a crime and I wonder how this toxic side chick did not end up in jail yet. You can recognize a narcissist when this person is trying to infiltrate in your social circle to destroy your friendships and turn everybody against you. Constant copying is not inspiration, it´s bullying. It messes with your mind, and it makes you feel paranoid and depressed. You feel like your soul is being constantly rap3d. And what is the funniest about it is that these narcissistic empty shells don´t even know how to copy properly because they look like idi0ts and clowns when they are doing so. You can´t fake and copy someone´s G0d´s given energy and comet sparkle and that´s exactly what make the narcissists hate you even more because no matter how hard they try to copy you, they are still these empty shells without personality and without the spark and deep down they know they just don´t measure to you.
Youtube song: 50 Cent – God Gave Me Style
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You can fake haircut, but you can´t fake energy. I did not come on this planet with much but at least G0d gave me a strong personality, my comet spark, my own energy and G0d made me an individualist. So, when the side chick tried to copy me, she was looking like an idi0t. The same goes for my ex. I have a very funny story about the empty shell my narcissistic ex is. Right after my downfall, I wrote him few sentences via e-mail. He did not reply. Tho, right after that his side chick wrote me an e-mail and she shared with me some screen shots of their dialogue between her and my ex from their chat and I noticed that my ex literary copy/pasted my sentences that I wrote him to her. She felt in love with me because I was the original author of those sentences lol. He lacks personality to the point he can´t even come up with few of his own sentences, he has to copy sentences of his ex to send it to his current lover. This is sick. And the side chick shared that screen shot with me trying to impress me while those were actually my words she tried to impress me with. Two idi0ts. My ex has no personality, the side chick has multiple personalities and I have a big personality. We collided lol.
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I experienced a “a copycat obsessive stalker” in the past. I know for a fact that this woman was a covert narcissist. We are both artists. This woman was on my ass 24/7. Every time I have released a new art, it took no time for her to copy my art. Her copying of me was so obvious that even audience noticed it. I was receiving emails from strangers on internet from our common art community asking me if I know that this woman is copying my art. Once she came on my art blog and she literary copied my blog post and posted it in her Facebook status acting like my words are hers. Once I mentioned in our art community that I would like to get a haircut and I posted even a picture of my inspiration for that haircut. The very next day, she posted a photo of her with the same haircut I wanted to get. I was like, daaaanggg, guurl had to call her hairdresser at 3 AM and wake her up from sleep to get an urgent appointment for morning at the hair saloon lol. She was constantly stalking every fart of mine and then she would copy everything I was doing, saying and being. It was pretty disturbing behavior, and it was ongoing for few years. Her behavior was annoying, abusive, highly toxic, it was making me feel depressed, like someone is stealing my soul and sucking the life out of me, she even in some sense bullied me out of internet with her “stalking - copying behavior”. Like … this shizzz was for restraining order. I felt like I can´t be free on the internet. She was often running around and talking crap about me in our art community while she was trying to befriend me. But I saw through her, so I told her to fuc_k off and I also told her that she is fake as fffff. You can´t take me from me. There is only one Lily and that´s me, you psych0tic crazy chick.
Youtube song Eminem - Stan
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She was constantly spying on who I am associated with and who I am befriending, and then she was trying to befriend those people too. Once she tried to befriend even one of my closest art friends of those times and she even wanted to do some art collaboration with my friend. I was like … b_itch, don´t you think you are starting to go way too overboard? Out of my way, you little bi_tch. She even tried to turn those people against me. Her hate towards me increased when I finally made it into the art galleries while she did not. After every announce of my new art show, she would have a pity party on Facebook posting statuses about how she does not care that she will never exhibit her art and … I mean, if you know the covert narcissists, you know their typical pity party passive-aggressive hateful envious theater. She did not copy only my art but also art of other artists. Her gallery was full of stolen ideas and stolen art, she did not at least put that effort to somehow put some her personal touch into the copying, she was just spinelessly copying the art of others. But it did not help her very much because she was lacking that spark from G0d. And to this day, she did not have a single real art exhibition. Karma is a b_iaaatch.
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As all narcissists, she was just an empty shell and she lacked personality, genuine charisma, humility, humanity, talent from G0d, G0d´s light, heart and soul. If she will be able to get away with a murd3r of me to steal my identity, she would definitely give it a try lol.
“May I have your attention, please? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up? I´m Slim Shady, yes, I´m the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys, are just imitating. So, won´t the real Slim Shady, please stand up?” - Eminem
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The narcissists are pathologically envious, so they are always in competition with you, and they always want to be “better than you”. For them, literary everything is a competition. You don´t compete with anybody but they always compete with you. But because they suffer from narcissistic grandiose disillusion, they often act irrational. Such as wanting to be a doctor or dentist while they studied to become an accountant and they have no diploma from medical school. They are so disillusioned that they will literately come to the operating room convinced that they are a surgeon and with all seriousness wanting to take your appendix out with a simple kitchen knife. That disillusioned they are. The cluster B personality disorders are known for instability in personality so the narcissists have no idea who they are and that´s why they always want to be someone else. They don´t know how to be themselves and they hate themselves so much that they even don´t want to be themselves. Especially when they target you, they will stalk you like the psych0s from those thriller movies. They will want to become you and at the same time to destroy you or even “un-alive” you. The narcissists are (re)inventing their fake persona at least once a week. One week they are non-believers, the next week they are super religious. One week they want to be a surgeon, the next week they want to be a professional athlete. The narcissists are so delusional that you can even hear them say that they are better than some famous professional athlete and they will say this to you with all seriousness. Even they never ever in their life exercised, never ran and they are obese.
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They might start 20 projects but never finish at least one of them. They always keep moving onto the next, onto the next, onto the next. Always copying the next victim. Always “fake it till you make it” but never really making it. If they make it, it´s only because they stole everything from everybody or used everybody around them. They are always trying to “keep up with the Joneses” living in their disillusions of pathological grandiosity. They are always competing even with celebrities who are billionaires, even they have 5 Dollars in their bank account. The narcissists lack of personality. This is the reason why the narcissists are often changing their jobs, friends, countries, fashion styles, haircuts. If you meet a woman who is changing her hair color and hair cut 10 times a month, you know she will be most probably NPD or BPD. They have no idea who they are. It´s just another mask for them to wear. They are chameleons of society always copying their surroundings and sucking the life out of people around them.
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The new source of supply of my first narcissistic ex was posting on social media pictures from vacation or pictures of what my narcissistic ex bought her, even she knew very well that they sucked money from me and caused me a financial damage, and she is on vacation on my expense while I was cleaning the financial mess they both left me with. Imagine that your boyfriend literary never took you on vacation in 10 years and then he steals everything from you and uses those money to pay the vacation for another woman. And on top of that, he buys you a smart phone just to force you to create an account on social media so you can watch it online. The d3mons. What was the reaction of the new narcissistic source of supply when I informed her that I lost my apartment thanks to her toxic abusive “hubby”? She took a photo of the new pillows they bought for their new home and she posted in on social media with caption something on those lines “sweet happy home”. Who does that? Who destroys someone else´s home, use the victim´s money to create their home and then take pictures of it and throw it in the victim´s face? I tell you who. Psych0 narcissistic Jezebel females from thriller movies. It took me a little bit of a time in the beginning to realize that she is as much sick as he is, and I deleted and blocked them both.
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They were trying to ffff with my mind on purpose. I was in a relationship with two narcissistic men in my life and they both wanted to return back to me. What an audacity!!!!!!!!! Imagine that someone abuses you, uses you, destroys your life and then they are so arrogant and entitled that they think they can come back into your life. Like… how f_ucked up you have to be to even think this way … The fact they wanted to come back to me after everything they have done to me is honestly more insulting to me than the abuse itself. My first narcissistic ex was walking the wedding aisle with the new source of supply while he was writing me that he misses me and “we will be together again later and sometimes it does happen that people need a break from each other”. Imagine that you are marrying someone, this person is standing in front of the altar in church with you, putting the wedding ring on your finger and this person is already and simultaneously planning to divorce you. He was marrying her while he was already planning to divorce her.
Instagram Reels: Final Lullaby
Youtube song: Sammie – Expiration Date
Youtube song: Madonna – You´ll See
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When this whole toxic situation was happening to me 6-7 years ago, I was devastated but today, when I see all of it with a clarity and from the right perspective, I feel very lucky that I never married this covert narcissistic sociopath. I feel lucky to be the one who has got away. It was a G0d´s protection to remove this toxic individual from my life. The toxic side chick literary saved my life by “stealing” my toxic ex from me. Now this narcissistic man is her problem, and I am free. Even it took me years to heal, recover my life and soak my tears, but today, I do not regret anything. What happened to me was literary the best solution to my problem. G0d is very smart. G0d saw behind the corner while I was blind. G0d took the right action for me when I was blind and powerless (love is blind). G0d knew I would be too weak to leave this toxic man, so G0d removed me in a very bold way from this narcissist I had no business to be with in the first place. G0d knew he has better plans for me. I can fully understand all of this only years after this mess happened, only when I look back in retrospective. And I´m like: “Ooooh, that´s why it needed to happen, I see it clearly today and thank you G0d for protecting me by removing my enemies from me.”
Youtube song: Selena Gomez – Look At Her Now
Youtube song: Selena Gomez – De Una Vez
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The new narcissistic source of supply was a whole new level of Jezebel d3mon. She was fffff around with my boyfriend for 2 years behind my back, she stole my money, destroyed my life and when I came to her with a simple question “what the fffff is going on”, instead of having a civilized discussion with me to bring some clarity into the messy situation she co-created, she jumped on me right away in an aggressive manner and started to putting me down, playing mind games with me, confusing me on purpose, attacking me, threatening me with some institutions, lawyers like I am some kind of a criminal. She tried to scare me. He was lying about me to save his face and ass. Absolutely surreal when criminals are trying to treat you like you did something bad while it´s them who are using and abusing people. Absolutely fffff surreal experience to survive the narcissists.
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I literately felt how she enjoyed abusing and bullying me. My pain was fueling her. My classy jaw dropped on the floor like “what the ffff is this”. I tell you what. The d3mon, darling, the d3mon. Narcissism is nothing else than another name for an extreme immaturity mixed with unhealed trauma that is present in the narcissist´s life mainly in a form of low self-esteem, no confidence and lack of self-love which makes the narcissist acts insecure, abusive towards others and they pathologically envy everybody around them. That´s how I knew she was a narcissist and a very insecure person. Only low life woman without self-love and without dignity is capable to share a man with another woman, tolerate his BS and cheating and even fight for a toxic shi_tty man.
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Only a deeply f_cked up woman is capable to abuse another woman. I would be never able to hurt another woman this way. I date only 120% single men. If I will realize that the man is not single and he is cheating on his woman, I would ghost him, cut him off and then I would go straight to his woman and tell her the truth. What she would do with the truth is up to her. No way I would be fucking around with some messy little r3tard. The toxic side chick was a d3mon, tho, you would experience a completely different version of her on social media where she presented herself as this religious sweet and nice lady. She was even posting the verses from Bible. This woman is a next level of mindful_ckery.
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The whole experience only convinced me further to never believe in what is presented on the social medias. The fake happy pictures, the overly nice people … In lot of cases, it´s all manufactured fake pseudo reality. The real reality is usually completely different. You might be a bully and a d3mon behind the closet doors but on the social medias, you can present yourself as “a cute saint”. I am not telling that everybody who is posting on social medias are the narcissists. There are for sure genuinely nice people out there who are just more extroverted, or they run online business (or whatever is their reason for being more in our faces on the internet). I am just trying to say that the social medias are definitely an ultimate playground for the narcissists. Never in the history of a mankind was easier for the narcissists to extract the narcissistic supply from their targets as it is today thanks to the social medias. It has never been easier for the narcissists to manufacture the entire reality and turn it into an absolute fantasy like it is today thanks to the social medias. The narcissists can pretend to be anything they want on the internet. And collect “the narcissistic supply” from their targets in a matter of posting some meaningless photo with even more meaningless caption to either extract the positive narcissistic supply (in a form of “likes”) or the negative narcissistic supply (in a form of hateful comments … hello, narcissistic toxic trolls on tha internetzzz). Paradoxically, the most toxic, abusive and the most fake people have always the most perfect image on the internet. So, be careful out there on internetzzz, folks. We have some snakes in thaaa grass.
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Continue to read my story of My ScapeGOAT Diary series HERE - Part 3.
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