1. The
greatest misapprehension on the dynamics in the narcissistic families is
that the golden child is being loved and is special for the narcissistic parents.
Unfortunately, non of this is
true. The
narcissistic parents are unable to love. They only obtain the
narcissistic supply from their children differently but they do not love any of them. For the narcissists,
it does not matter if the narcissistic supply is negative or positive. What only matters is that they needs some, whatever supply. The best scenario for the narcissists is
when they can obtain both (negative and positive) at the same time. The
more supply the better. They use scapegoats and lost children to
project their frustration, anger, envy onto them and use them as a
regulator of their negative emotions as the narcissists do not know how
to regulate their emotions. They use scapegoats and lost children to
vent onto them their own traumas and hurt and this way they obtain
the negative
supply. The relationship between the scapegoats and parents
are usually full of drama which brings the narcissist lot of desired
fuel and negative attention. The narcissistic parents use their golden
children to obtain a positive supply - by bragging about the achievements
and beauty of the golden children, they obtain the positive supply from
their surrounding. As the narcissists do not see people as individuals,
only as the extension of themselves, they consider their children´s
accomplishments as theirs, not their children. They do not brag about
their golden children because they love them or they are proud of them.
The accomplishment and beauty of golden children make the narcissistic
parent look good and as a perfect parent in the eyes of their audience.
They do it for themselves, not for the children. Its all about the narcissistic supply for the narcissistic parent. By proxy, they can fuel their need for supply. If they are not able to obtain any narcissistic
supply from any of their children, they can go as far as making their
children sick on purpose, so they can take them to the hospital and
play a martyrs, a rescuers and an amazing parents all in once. This
technique is called "Munchausen syndrom by proxy". The MSBP is a
syndrome in which a caregiver makes up or causes an illness or an injury
in a person under his or her care just to obtain the narcissistic
supply from the audience (People will be showing more attention to a
mother whose little son is very sick and often in hospital). Google the case of Dee Dee Blanchard and her daughter Gypsy Rose.
2. Another
great misapprehension on this topic I observed is that the roles the
children are playing in narcissistic families are ever-lasting and fixed. Its not.
The roles
might switch over the years or months. If the golden children awakened and
start to see themselves as the individuals with their own thoughts,
needs, wants, it will cause a narcissistic injury in a narcissistic parents as
the narcissistic parents see their children as extension of themselves,
not as the individuals with their own thoughts, needs and wants. The
moment the golden children stand up for themselves, they will be de-valuated by the narcissistic parents and they will become the
scapegoats of the family. And because the narcissists always needs to
create triangulation in their relationships (this includes their relationships with their own children), they need to assign the
golden child´s role to some other child this time. The drama needs to be fueled
at all costs nonstop. The narcissist also have a "black and white
thinking" which is very typical for all cluster B type of the
personalities - it means that they see you either good or bad and there
is nothing in the middle. Once you stop to be very good, you
automatically start to be very bad (in their eyes) and they need to
punish you and devalue you. The children´s roles are always switching and you can
even play more roles in the narcissistic family dynamics (for example, being a scapegoat and a
lost child in the same time).
3. Another
great misapprehension on this topic is that scapegoats usually end up
the most destroyed as the result of the most intense abuse and cut offs of the resources from their
narcissistic family while golden
children will have a great life because they´ve got everything.
Unfortunately, from what I have observed, its quite opposite. As the
scapegoats and the lost children leave the disordered household pretty
early in their life, they took themselves from the sick family dynamics
and moved themselves to much healthier environments which help them to
heal and re-program their wrongly programmed mind. They usually get a chance to develop
great sense of themselves. As they needed to work hard to take care of
themselves, they usually develop great working etiquette and self
discipline which leads them to achieve pretty stable and interesting
careers and establish much healthier own families. On the other
hand, the golden children stay at home often till age of 40-50 or even
forever which damage them tremendously as they never had any chance to
create any individuality or create any sense of themselves. In lot of
times the narcissistic parents manipulate them to under-achieve so they
will keep the golden children under their control, power and under their
roof. As the parents pay their bills and meals, the golden children do
not work on their own development, careers, social circles, etc as they suppose to. Once
they awaken, its very bitter awakening, usually pretty late in their life and they feel angry and
betrayed by the narcissistic parents and their golden cage. The narcissistic parents kept them in the golden cage most of their life and sabotaged every potential romantic or any other relationship, every healthy development towards a healthy adulthood.
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