“All human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and
evil: and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil.”
―
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
When
the Scottish author Robert Lou Stevenson published his novel "Strange
case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" in 1886 he probably did not even
realize how amazing job he did with analysis of the narcissistic
personality disorder. His novel is a journey into a mind of a narcissist
whose mind is like a moon in a waning crescent phase - the narcissist
will only let you see the little fraction of his psyche just like the
moon will allow you to see only this little part that is illumined with
the sun rays. The rest of the moon is well hidden in the darkness
together with its secrets giving you this fake impression that there is
nothing else to see. Just like the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the
narcissists are capable to switch between overt and covert
modes.
What is the main difference between the overt and covert narcissists?
What is the main difference between the overt and covert narcissists?
All
narcissists, no matter what type they are, were once the victims of the
narcissistic abuse in their childhood. This is how they developed their
personality disorder. You do not become a pathological narcissist
without being traumatized first. A lot of them do not suffer only from narcissism
but also from PTSD and C-PTSD.
The
overt narcissists are individuals who are expressing their
aggressiveness and grandiosity openly. They are very cocky, arrogant,
extroverted, they are open bullies, they have tendencies to scream
loudly, name call the people, physically attack others. They are known
for direct abuse. They create a false illusion of a confidence to mask
their real emotions developed in their childhood of feeling not lovable,
not good enough, not worthy and feeling inadequate. They try to over -
achieve their goals to outmatch others ("If they did this, I will do
even more! If they are good, I will be better!"). This urgent need to be
the best at all costs and feeling emotionally injured when someone else
is shinning more than them is their trauma acting out. They are the narcissistic supply junkies and they are trying to get their needs met as their needs have not been met in their childhood. Often, they
damage other people in the process. They do not have any personal reason
to hurt others. They are acting their trauma out and they project their
disorder on every person they meet (it does not matter who the person
is). They carry the wound "I am not good enough" from their childhood
thus they have the urge "to be more" than others in their adulthood.
They carry the wound "I am not lovable" from their childhood thus they
have the urge to wear a "false self masks" to be loved by others. They
feel that if they do not wear the masks, they would be unlovable. They
are following their goals with an openly aggressive approach and they
are very ambitious. They are exhibitionists and they are constantly
seeking an attention at all costs. In most of the cases they get that
attention and they do not have an issue to gain the narcissistic supply
for themselves thanks to their open grandiosity. They brag a lot about
who they know, what they own and how awesome they think they are. They
present themselves as "special" by telling people: "Look at me, look at
me, I am special!". They are very visibly and openly self-absorbed and
self entitled. They
have an illusion of grandiosity. The background of their childhood is in
most cases more physically violent than the childhood of the covert
narcissists. They have been often physically attacked and physically
abused by their caregiver(s).
Both
types of the
narcissists share the same traits, they only manifest them in a
different way and the result of their narcissistic abuse is the same for
their victims. The "overts" and "coverts" are "brothers from one
mother". While overt narcissists abuse people in a direct way, the
covert narcissists use more sneaky and indirect way how to abuse
people.
The
covert type of the narcissists (also known as vulnerable narcissists or
introverted narcissists or shy narcissists) are
disordered individuals who secretly wish to be like the overt
narcissists but they are not capable of being that way because their super ego (the inner critical voice in
their head of their caregivers telling them they are not good enough)
are attacking their grandiosity. Their super ego is crippling their
grandiosity. This prevent their grandiosity to go full blown and open.
The covert narcissists are failed overt narcissists. As they do not
posses such qualities like the overt narcissists, they have to come up
with much sneakier tactics to obtain the narcissistic supply. They need
to invest more time and more effort to gain at least the fraction of the
narcissistic supply in comparison with the "overts". The covert
narcissists have to become more calculative and more methodical in
choosing the targets and proceeding with an abuse. They have a lot of
anxieties, insecurities, complexes and a very low self-esteem. They
constantly worry. The "coverts" are more introverted and non social.
They are non assertive, not capable and they carry a very impotent
energy. The open grandiosity would make the "coverts" very vulnerable
and they are secretly scared that people would notice how fake they are
and that their "false self mask" would be uncovered so they rather
choose a different tactics to obtain narcissistic supply - they pretend
to be overly nice, overly polite , they act likeable, over - helpful,
over - friendly and they always please others rather than being openly
aggressive. They wear a fake masks of a caring people convincing others
around them about their kindness with cognitive empathy (learned fake
empathy). They are wolves in the sheep clothing. They express their
grandiosity with doing charity, pretending to be heroes and martyrs,
they exhibit messiah complex and they are forever "victims". They have
overly pathetic personality. As they are not capable to gain an
admiration the way like the "overts" do, they at least manipulate the
people´s emotions to gain sympathy with never ending pity party and
victim´s mentality. They are masters of guilt tripping, gas lighting,
extreme subliminal manipulation, triangulation, passive aggressiveness,
exaggerating their imaginary sufferings (which they in most cases
inflicted on themselves with their self destructive nature) and they
operate solely behind the scene. They are wonderful sad sob story
tellers and they use the sad sob stories to gain the sympathy from the
victims. They subliminally force the victims to feel sorry for them all
the time. They are extremely draining people to be around and that´s why
they are known as "emotional vampires". They often stage crisis to gain
attention and to gain a control over others. While the "overts" prefer
to achieve their goals by themselves thanks to their aggressive nature,
the "coverts" prefer to live a lifestyle of parasitism on others. They
always need someone to come and save them. The covert narcissists are
more introverted and they do not like to be a center of an attention,
rather they ally with exhibitionist personalities and dominant people
and they gain the narcissistic supply through the association with more
powerful, rich, famous, overtly abusive and extroverted people. Many
people (not all of them but many) with disordered unhealthy codependent
attachments style such the covert narcissists, codependents, borderlines
and histrionic people are often destined to end up in the relationships
with overt narcissists due to fatal attraction and they become an easy
target and a quick meal for this dominant predators. Its exactly their
codependency which automatically attracts them to the dominant and
aggressive individuals. The "coverts" have an illusion of grandiosity.
They feel angry and they receive a narcissistic emotional injury when
the world does not recognize their awesomeness. They feel entitlement
and they feel special just like the overt narcissists, they just
manifest their disillusion in a different way - they do not openly
praise themselves but instead of telling people directly how special
they are, they force and manipulate others to praise them (for example
they give people the fake over exaggerated compliments and they force
others in a very uncomfortable hidden way to pay them the flattery back.
Once they receive the compliments back, they fake the modesty). Or they
minimize their own beauty, skills, talents, accomplishments so people would
offer them reassurance on how beautiful, skilled, talented they are.
They need others to constantly feed them with reassurance to boost their
self-importance. Al thought, they hide their grandiosity well due to
their fearful and anxious nature, they have idealized version of
themselves and they desperately need others to sustain them. They need
nonstop emotional support from their narcissistic supply sources,
otherwise they emotionally collapse and become depressed. They hide
their grandiosity behind the fake modesty. Oftentimes, the covert
narcissists are pillar of the community, they do a lot of charity
things, they overly serve others and they overly please others. There is
nothing worse than owning a covert narcissists the favors as they often
use all good doings they did for others as the weapon for guilt
tripping. They help others to receive recognition and validation as the
covert narcissists are not capable to validate themselves and they
solely rely on the validation from external sources. While the overt
narcissists present themselves as special ("Look at me, I am special!"),
the covert narcissists feel special by making other people special.
They always pull the "poor me card" and they need other people´s support
to feel special. They make others feel special during the love bombing
and idealization phase and once the victims enter the discard phase, the
covert narcissists will punish them for making them work hard to make
them feel special. They love to give the gifts to others as a
manipulation to create the bond with them and later on they use this
bond for guilt tripping the victims. They force the victims to let the
covert narcissists invest in them (and they usually invest low quality,
broken items, old stuff, food after expiration date) and in the end they
guilt trip the victims to return them the favor 5 times fold (high
quality - expensive items, new stuff, expensive meals at the
restaurant). They are giving the gifts and money to the victims to
create the bond and then use this bond to emotionally and
psychologically abuse them ("I payed 5 dollars for your cell phone bill,
so I can do everything I want with you, even give you a call in 2 AM
and you have to pick the phone up every time I call you, even if I call
you 50 times a day when I try to control you and you will talk to me one
hour on the phone even you are at work! You owe me 5 dollars so I have
the right to guilt trip you to become my servant and clean my house 20
times!). The narcissists invest 1 dollar in the victims during the love bombing stage and then they make sure they will get their investment back, they will get back from the victims at least 20 dollars. The brain of the narcissists are wired in a similar way like
the brain of the psychopaths - they are motivated by rewards. They never
to anything for anybody without an agenda.
While the overt narcissists suffer more from the avoidant attachment style (as they are heading more to the sociopathic and psychopathic side of the scale of empathy and consciousness), the covert narcissists suffer more from the anxious hyper-activated codependent attachment style (as they are heading more to the borderline side of the scale of empathy and consciousness). The covert narcissist, in fact, is a very codependent type of a personality. The core of their disorder is an addiction on people. People are their drug and just like the heroin addict is addicted on heroin, the covert narcissists need their "fix" through people. People regulate their emotions and people are their only source of narcissistic supply and their whole inner world depend on the quality and quantity of the emotional support and validation that people gives them. As the covert narcissists tend to be more codependent and their grandiosity is crippled and impotent (in comparison with overt narcissists), they often have depression episodes as they are not capable to "feed" them with narcissistic supply that efficiently as "overts". The "overts" are social butterflies who are not crippled that much with piles of anxiety, they do not suffer from deficit of people around them and the narcissistic supply and their grandiosity (even the self - image is distorted) is functioning more smoothly. The "overts" are high functioning narcissists while the "coverts" are low functioning narcissists.
While the overt narcissists suffer more from the avoidant attachment style (as they are heading more to the sociopathic and psychopathic side of the scale of empathy and consciousness), the covert narcissists suffer more from the anxious hyper-activated codependent attachment style (as they are heading more to the borderline side of the scale of empathy and consciousness). The covert narcissist, in fact, is a very codependent type of a personality. The core of their disorder is an addiction on people. People are their drug and just like the heroin addict is addicted on heroin, the covert narcissists need their "fix" through people. People regulate their emotions and people are their only source of narcissistic supply and their whole inner world depend on the quality and quantity of the emotional support and validation that people gives them. As the covert narcissists tend to be more codependent and their grandiosity is crippled and impotent (in comparison with overt narcissists), they often have depression episodes as they are not capable to "feed" them with narcissistic supply that efficiently as "overts". The "overts" are social butterflies who are not crippled that much with piles of anxiety, they do not suffer from deficit of people around them and the narcissistic supply and their grandiosity (even the self - image is distorted) is functioning more smoothly. The "overts" are high functioning narcissists while the "coverts" are low functioning narcissists.
While
the childhood of the overt narcissists have been more physically
violent, the covert narcissists are coming from the shame based
households where everything looked perfect on the surface, everything was taboo, the elephant in the room was
being ignored and in most of the cases there was no physical violence
present. While the overt narcissists went most likely through the
physical abuse, the "coverts" suffered under the strict parenting style
of dominant caregiver(s). The covert narcissists went more through the
emotional and psychological abuse rather the physical abuse in their
childhood. Their families were filled with shame, they have been often
humiliated by the narcissistic parents and their enablers.
The overt narcissists have more tendency to physically attack their victims while the covert narcissists will abuse their victims without even putting the hands on them. However, it does not make the abuse any less abusive. Quite contrary. Their abuse reminds of the killing curse of Voldemort from movie Harry Potter. Once they curse you, you will be writhe in pain you never experienced before. The covert narcissists are the emotional and psychological bullies.
The overt narcissists have more tendency to physically attack their victims while the covert narcissists will abuse their victims without even putting the hands on them. However, it does not make the abuse any less abusive. Quite contrary. Their abuse reminds of the killing curse of Voldemort from movie Harry Potter. Once they curse you, you will be writhe in pain you never experienced before. The covert narcissists are the emotional and psychological bullies.
The
childhood always plays a great role in an emotional and psychological
development of people and usually when you want to understand the root
of any personality disorder, one of the best ways to do so is to
investigate the childhood of the disordered person. The apple never fall
far from the tree. The seed of the disorder and a toxic programming of
people is always being planted inside of them in their childhood. We
humans are sponges soaking the programming from our environment.
Especially in the childhood. The "family karma" or "generation curse" is
nothing else than passing the trauma and a dysfunctional programming
from one generation to another.
All
narcissists (no matter what type,) are addicted to flattery and
allergic to shame and criticism. They all have superior complex and they
feel they are entitled to special treatment. While the overt
narcissists are openly arrogant, the covert narcissists manifest the
arrogance in a hidden way. The narcissists wear the "false self mask"
and the image and appearance are the most important thing for them. They
consider the threat everybody who would be capable to uncover them and
remove their mask. While the "overts" have the tendency to abuse the
victims openly and even in public, the "coverts" abuse their victims
behind the door and in a secret. The covert narcissists rarely scream or
physically abuse the victims (except during the grand final discard,
then they are capable even murder the victims - for example the case of a
covert narcissist Chris Watts). The "overts" operate more in the
victim´s face and the "coverts" operate more behind the victim´s back.
While it is pretty easy to spot the overt narcissists, it takes time to
uncover the covert narcissists. You need to spend a time with the
"coverts" to see the mask slip off or at least to see through the cracks
in the masks here and there. If you do not know what you are looking
for due to the lack of knowledge on narcissism, you can easily overlook
the red flags even for decades.
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“If he be Mr. Hyde" he had thought, "I shall be Mr. Seek.”
―
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
“If I am the chief of sinners, I am the chief of sufferers also.”
― The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
― The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
“You must suffer me to go my own dark way.”
―
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
“O my poor old Harry Jekyll, if ever I read Satan's signature upon a face, it is on that of your new friend.”
― The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
― The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
“Good and evil are so close as to be chained together in the soul.”
― The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
― The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
“That child of Hell had nothing human; nothing lived in him but fear and hatred.”
― The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
― The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
