When
you ask a public who is not educated on narcissism what is the first
thing that comes to their mind about narcissists, they usually describe
the narcissists as individuals who admire themselves in a mirror very
often, individuals who work out in gyms every day and post too many
selfies on social medias and also as individuals who obsessively love
themselves. This is a very stereotypical view on narcissism by people who
are not educated on this topic. The type of the narcissists that are the
most known to the public is a somatic overt type of the narcissists.
Unfortunately, there are way more type of the narcissists and each of
them is far away from the stereotypical portrait.
Also, it is a great misapprehensions that the narcissists love
themselves. They actually hate themselves. They are also not capable to love others. The number one trait how to recognize a narcissists is a lack of empathy. They are only capable of
cognitive empathy which is a learnt behavior that they are mimicking and
mirroring from other healthy people. The cognitive empathy is a fake
empathy, they do not feel genuine positive emotions towards others. The empathy is the main ingredient you need to posses in order to
be capable to love others. Because the narcissists lack the empathy, they
are not capable to love. They do not love themselves and you can´t give
others what you don´t already posses within yourself. The narcissists hate
themselves and that´s why they hate others too.
Primary, the narcissists are most of the time either covert or overt type of the narcissists. The narcissists might switch between covert and overt mode under certain circumstances.
One of the most common scenarios when the covert narcissists switch to overt narcissism is when their ego is temporary very boosted by too much narcissistic supply. The "coverts" are most of the time low functioning, they have chronic deficit of the narcissistic supply due to their introverted nature and crippled grandiosity. They might temporary experience a high dosage of narcissistic supply and they might temporary feel great and very fueled. At the peak of the "supply fix", they might surprise with a sudden change of going from overly nice to overly arrogant. For a moment, they might feel false sense of a power and control over their narcissistic supply sources, a false sense of self-importance and a disillusion about their grandiosity.
The sudden switch from covert narcissism to overt narcissism usually happen during the devaluation stage of their old narcissistic supply sources (for example old romantic partners) after they fully secured the new narcissistic supply sources (for example new romantic partners). The triangulation technique of the narcissists is the ultimate way for the narcissists to gain both - positive and negative supply - at once. In such a situation, they gain negative supply from the old romantic partners in a form of a hate and drama flowing from their ex partners, they might feel fueled by a power and control over their ex partners and also they might feel a sadistic satisfaction from causing the damage to the old sources of supply. During the triangulation, the narcissists gain also the positive supply from the new romantic partners in a form of a praise, admiration and validation. By manufacturing a romantic triangle, the narcissists create a false illusion of both partners fighting for the narcissists. This tremendously boost the narcissist´s fragile ego and they might switch temporary to open grandiosity and overt narcissism and become open bullies towards the old romantic partners. Many victims who have been discarded by the narcissists claim that the narcissists changed overnight to the point that the victims did not recognize those individuals anymore as the narcissists completely changed their personality in a blink of an eye (for example going from good introverted loving husband to a crazy and openly abusive individual). The sudden overnight change of the narcissists is caused by combinations of more factors:
- "false self" mask slip
- switch from covert to overt mode
- the narcissists lack of personality, they always mirror the personality of their victims. When they start to mirror their new victims, the old victims is in an utter shock of a sudden change of the narcissist´s personality not knowing that the old victims are being in the process of replacement.
Unfortunately, the horrific truth is fully uncovered to the victims usually in the last stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle - in a discard stage - where they experience the true face of the covert narcissists for the first time. The covert narcissists can hide their true face for months, years and even decades.
The narcissism is not a flu. It is a serious personality disorder. After the temporary celebration of their high functioning grandiosity is over, the covert narcissists switch back to their covert mode. The narcissists suffer from magical thinking, fantasies and manic states in the overt mode and soon they discover that their new partners are not the answer for their prayers to start their new perfect life. Soon, they realize that the new sources of supply are not as perfect as they imagined them in their fantasy and that the new sources of supply will neither save them nor change their life. The narcissists fail to acknowledge that the narcissists themselves are responsible for their own healing from narcissistic personality disorder and if they do not heal themselves, they will live in a loop of narcissism forever. The new sources of supply can´t and won´t heal their disorder. After the soon experienced disillusionment, they switch back to their well known repetition compulsion syndrome of their narcissistic abusive cycle (idealization - devaluation - discard) also with the new sources of supply. In their primary covert mode, the covert narcissists suffer from anxiety, depression and they have lot of insecurities that are crippling their grandiosity. The "coverts" always fall from their temporary highs into the next lows and dysfunction which is their "normal" state.
The covert narcissists act as "coverts" during their "lows" and they switch to overt mode during their "highs". The narcissists might switching between overt and covert based on the circumstances. As the covert narcissists have too many issues with regulation of their emotions and self-esteem, they are most of the time in the covert mode.
On the other hand, an overt narcissists switch from overt mode to vulnerable covert mode at their lowest point of life. At their lowest point of life, they have tendency to return back to their reliable old sources of supply (for example recycling their ex partners) or they find a reliable new sources of supply to help them back on their feet. During their lowest point of life they become more introverted due to their narcissistic emotional injury. Once they lick their wounds and the narcissistic sources of supply fed them properly with the emotional or financial supply (or any other supply the narcissists need that particular period of time), they will abdomen their sources and move on leaving the sources dry. They usually choose people who are overly empathetic, codependent to help them to recover, people whose "emotional bank" and bank accounts are full. They start to suck the resources of those people to regulate their narcissistic emotional injury and once they are "full" and the sources are "empty", they switch back to their overt mode waving "bye-bye".
Another scenario when the covert narcissists switch to an overt mode might be when they become more comfortable around their closest people. While in a public the "coverts" remain to wear a sweet mask, they switch to more overt narcissism, arrogance and open abuse behind the door. This usually happen when their closest people are more submissive and nice type of the personality who provide them a security and strength, then they might start to experience a boost of their grandiosity. The covert narcissists are weak and cowards, they only attack people that they feel they are "below them". They usually do not go into an overt mode around very dominant people. The "coverts" have tendency to attack the victims especially when they are alone with the victims and nobody watches. Usually the victims have lower status than the covert narcissists or they attack the victims when they are currently vulnerable, easy to hurt, when they are at their lowest, when they are sick or currently going through some sort of a traumatic event. Other´s vulnerability is the direct invitation for the covert narcissists to come and kick them while they are down. The victims can see the true face of the covert narcissists mostly during the victim´s bad and vulnerable times. Another scenario when the covert narcissists overtly attack the victims is when the narcissists are being uncovered. Then they might become more open with their aggressiveness. In fact, the narcissists are the most dangerous during the discard stage or when they are uncovered. They are even capable of killing.
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