Dating suppose to be a pleasant experience but sometimes it can turn into a total horror story. Would not it be wonderful if all narcissists come with the visible tattoo "narc" on their foreheads?
1. The narcissists jump from one relationships to another without ever being single for some time (while they are extracting the negative narcissistic supply from their exes):
Great question to ask on the first dates is: How long have you been single after the break up from your last ex? If your new dates answer they have not been single at all and they are dating you right after the break ups from their exes, this is bad news. It means that your new dates want to use you either as a rebound, a plaster for their broken heart or ego and they are looking for help instead of true love. They did not give themselves an appropriate time to heal, grow and build themselves up and they expect you to do it instead of them. Being single for some time after the break ups is a sign of maturity and a sign of a strong and healthy personality. If your new dates talk about how they spent a year, two or three (or even more) single and they share with you all of those incredible and exciting stories about how they traveled alone, how they have been building their businesses instead of partying, how they have been discovering themselves, hitting the gym, exploring new activities, trying new hobbies, how they have been working on their issues at the therapy, those are all positive signs. It means, they did the inner work and they are ready for a healthy relationship.
Of course, not everybody who jumps from one relationship to another must be automatically a narcissist. But it is definitely a sign of an unhealthy behavior (clinginess, needenes, dependence, childish energy). For example, those who jump from relationship to relationship might be the codependents. Being a codependent is also toxic. The narcissists are toxic to others and the codependents are toxic primary to themselves. Either way, its not healthy. Or, they might be just heart - broken. Again, its not healthy. All these people are not ready for the new relationships. These people have possibly anxiety attachment style which makes them feel anxious to be single so they have to be always in some relationship (even the relationship is either mediocre, loveless or bad). "Whatever" relationship is for them better than no relationship. They do not seek love, they seek help and a painkiller pill. Or, the individuals who are jumping from relationships to relationships might be really the narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths (or mix of those). The narcissists lack of empathy and they have disordered attachment style which prevents them to be capable to form any emotional bond and a healthy attachment with others. The reason why they are capable to abandon their partners overnight like it is nothing (even after 10, 20, 30 years of marriages) is because they have not been emotionally bonded to their partners in the first place. Their partners have been bonded to the narcissists but the narcissists were not bonded to their partners. The partners of the narcissists are self- gaslighting and self-blinding themselves by their own projection when they project their own love and capacity to love onto the empty soulless narcissists while the narcissists only receive the love (the positive narcissistic supply) but they do not send the love back to their partners because they are not capable to produce love. That´s why their partners are being discarded by the narcissists in a brutal heartless soulless way and the narcissists disappear overnight from their long term partner´s lives. The narcissists do not need any time to heal their emotions (what emotions?) and that´s why they have the capacity to act lovey-dovey with their new targets looking energized already the very next day after the discard of their exes while their ex partners are in an extreme pain hurting even for years to come and they have to enter the therapy to process the traumatic pseudo break-up and the narcissistic abuse. The narcissists are not capable to emotionally bond and connect with other people. Not with the romantic partners, not with the ex partners, not with the new partners, even not with their own children, not with their pets, with nobody. It is not personal. They are technically robots. Would you be angry to a washing machine for not possessing the ability to love like a human? They can´t truly love other people even if they want to or try hard to. Its not there. You would not be angry to the washing machine if the washing machine misses motor and can´t wash. The narcissists are missing the crucial parts of themselves and without those crucial parts, they are just like that washing machine, they can´t function. Its "a health condition". Imagine that you play a chess with a person who has both hands amputated and you tell this person: "Now its your turn, go!" Who is more delusional here? The person without the hands who replies back to you: "Yes, sure, I play, no problem" or you because you asked a person without the hands to use their hands they do not have? This is exactly how the relationships with the narcissists are working. You just gaslighting each other. You would not scream on someone who is disabled siting on the wheel chair why they can´t run the marathon. The narcissists have crippled emotions so their emotions are incapacitated. They will not love you even if you scream at them "Love me!" and you force them to love you. The narcissists have low to no emotional intelligence (EQ). Its part of their disorder. They are emotionally on the level of the small kids and teenagers. Would you go to the nursery school and start to scream at a little child why the child does not deal appropriately with the bills for the electricity? The little kid is not an adult, the kid has no idea what is the electricity bill and what to do with it. The narcissists, even if they would try and want to, they do not posses the capacity to be emotionally developed. They have their limits. You can jump only as high as is your ceiling. The narcissism is a personality disorder. You can find this disorder in medical books that teach medical health issues, including narcissism. Would you go to the mental hospital and start to scream at the schizophrenic patient why the schizophrenic patient is mumbling at you some nonsense? The narcissism is an "illness "- it is a disorder of personality. It is a valid "illness" just like the flu or AIDS or chronic celiac disease. You can´t heal from sickness just because you want to. The sickness will not magically disappears. The narcissists´s personality is sick. In order for normal people to make a peace with themselves when they deal with the narcissists, they have to radically accept the facts about the "health condition" called narcissism, radically accept the truth that they don´t deal with an emotionally healthy people, radically accept the truth that the narcissists are the narcissists, radically accept the narcissist´s limits and don´t ask them for more that they can give to you as a normal healthy person. If the narcissists is good at skateboarding, focus on learning skateboarding skills from them. But if you know for a fact that they can´t show you emotional intelligence, then don´t go to them for a chat about your deep feelings. Instead of that, just call your empathetic friend that you know for a fact that this person is an empath, invite her or him for a coffee and you can talk about emotions for hours feeling good about it. Accept people´s limitations and capacities. To deal with the narcissists and their "health condition", learn about narcissism. It will not heal them, but it will help you to maintain your good mental health while dealing with them. The same as you search on internet for the symptoms of nut allergy when your child has a nut allergy so you can understand what to do and don´t do, the same way you can search on internet for symptoms of narcissism so you can gain the knowledge and this knowledge will become your tool which will help you to navigate yourself through life with the narcissists more efficiently without hurting your own self.
"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid". - Albert Einstein
To accurately identify if someone is a narcissist (after they abandoned their ex partners) is to look for other red flags too (only one red flag does not make someone a narcissist). Especially observe if they are trying to extract the negative narcissistic supply from their exes after the break ups (gaslighting, triangulation, provocations, thirst for revenge, glowing after they´ve got under the skin of their exes, covert sadism, stealing, rubbing the new source of narcissistic supply in the face of old source of narcissistic supply, etc.). Normal people might go through break ups, but they would never irritate and abuse their exes after the break ups. Only narcissists do this. Also, investigate if they left their exes in a disgraceful way. No narcissists will ever tell you voluntary that they have abused their exes and then threw them under the bus so you need to use some little smart tactics to make your own investigation. Observe their exes - if their exes are hysterical and emotionally all over the place, they seems very confused, they contact you as the new source of supply asking you what is going on, they look abused with the dark circles under their eyes, they are homeless but having the nice designer clothes which might indicate their sudden lost of their homes after the narcissists ripped them off those homes, observe if they write angry e-mails to the narcissists accusing the narcissists of stealing and abuse, etc). The narcissists always move on from break ups overnight looking flawless and "fresh" but when you analyze their exes, the exes of the true narcissists are showing the symptoms of PTSD - that´s the real victims here.
Another great information to gather on the first dates is to investigate what was the reason of the break up with their exes. You do not need to investigate in depth. More important is the mood and energy around their break ups. If they broke up with their exes in a graceful way, this is a good sign. You can
say a lot about people´s personalities based on how they left their
exes. Very often, you do not even know with whom you live with, the narcissists can
wear the masks the entire relationships but the masks always come off in
the end of the relationships and those ends usually show the true personalities of people. You should be more interested in knowing how they ended the previous
relationships rather than wanting to know what it was in the beginning
or in the middle of their past relationships. The perfect result of your investigation would be if you found out that they treated their exes nicely and good through the entire relationships - in the beginning, in the middle and especially in the end. Then you can be sure your new dates are healthy and loving people and you can expect them to treat you also in a nice way and lovingly in the future. Do not be jealous about their exes when your new dates tell you that they treated their exes good in their past relationships. Actually, be glad to hear it. It´s a wonderful news! You want to find a decent partner and not a crazy jerk, right? Hearing about your new dates being the loving decent human beings is a wonderful news! On the other hand, it should not make you feel good to hear that your new dates treated their exes like a garbage because it means that your new dates are actually the garbage people themselves. Only garbage people treats others like a garbage. We always treat people the way we feel about ourselves. So, if they treated someone like a garbage, they are actually that garbage. We all project our inner world to the outer world. What people projects onto others is exactly who they are and what they think of their own selves. If you found out that your new dates cheated on their exes or they have treated them bad, it is a bad news, prepare yourself to be treated the same way somewhere in the future.
2.
The narcissists are guilt tripping people into the relationships by making them feeling sorry for them already on the first dates:
The narcissists always blame others and the whole world for their own mistakes. Even the duck swimming on the lake is responsible for the narcissists not being promoted by their boss. They will blame apples on the tree for the rain! God damn apples, look, now it is raining! Nothing is ever their mistake and they are everybody´s and everything´s victims. They always take credit for everything positive that goes right but when they make the mistakes and things go wrong, they blame shift it on others. The narcissists are the professional victims with the victim mentality. Not everybody with the victim mentality must be a narcissist, but almost all people with the victim mentality are emotionally manipulative, psychologically abusive and draining. You does not need to be a narcissist just because you are currently in the victim mentality because all people who went through an abuse or some sort of trauma will be in the victim´s energy for the certain period of time (until they heal). But normal people work through it, they work on their healing, they put the work into getting better, they have will to over come and they finally get out of the victim mentality at some point. On the other hand, the narcissists will never get out of the victim mentality. Because they don´t want to get out of the victim mentality - the victim mentality brings them benefits. They use their victim mentality status as a weapon against other people - they guilt trip others. The narcissists guilt trip people to make those people do whatever the narcissists want them to do. The guilt tripping is a vicious narcissistic form of emotional manipulation. The narcissists don´t want to heal because they would lose one of their main weapons for extraction of narcissistic supply (especially sympathy and attention) and also they would lose the materialistic benefits (everybody helps the poor victims and and pays for them, right?). With guilt tripping, the narcissists make everybody orbit around them 24/7 and they are turning people into their personal slavers to provide for them. Normal but hurt people can be temporary in the victim mentality. But the narcissists will be permanently in the victim mentality, forever.
The
narcissists always present themselves as the victims and they falsely
accusing and gaslighting others into thinking that people around them
abusing them. But paradoxically, its the narcissists who are the abusers
and they abuse others. They are abusing others and then they cover up their
abuse and crimes with their false victim-hood. It´s true that some of
the narcissists have been abused in their childhood by their
narcissistic parents or narcissistic family, but it does not give them
the right to abuse others. There are many people who have been abused in
the childhood and they grew up to be a good empathetic people and they are
not running around abusing others and destroying other people´s lives.
Just because they have been "possibly - maybe" the victims in their
childhood (some of them really were the victims of abuse but some of them lie about being abused while they were not), it does not give them the right to create more victims in this world. They never took the responsibility to heal. They have no
rights to take their suppressed anger, frustration, bleeding wounds and
hate onto others. Especially others who love them and never hurt them.
Oftentimes, people does not fall in love with the narcissists, they actually feel sorry for the narcissists and the narcissists drag people into the relationships with the pity parties (the narcissists literary sorry and guilt trip the people into the relationships). They weaponize their "pain" against others. The first dates suppose to be fun and it´s an opportunity to know the other person, what movies they like, what they like to eat, what is their personality. It is not appropriate to talk about traumatic events, dirty secrets and sharing sobbing stories already on the first dates (whether they are true or just fabricated lies). If someone make you sorry for them too often or guilt trip you already on first dates, this is a red flag. The narcissists are experts at guilt tripping and emotional manipulation. Never allow anybody to guilt trip you into anything (business, sex, relationship, etc.) and never make emotionally rushed decisions. You have to protect yourself.
The narcissists are energy vampires, they often don´t enter the dating scene to find a life partner, they are just bored, thirsty for boost of energy and they want to extract some prana energy, free meals and attention from people, that´s it. They use people as their chargers for batteries. They put their straws inside of other people´s delicious precious savage rainbow milkshakes and they suck people´s prana energy until there is non left for the poor victims. The narcissists suck other people from energy to energize themselves.
You can´t be everything to everybody
every time. Otherwise you will burn out and have a compassion fatigue. Always put yourself first, love yourself, take care for yourself, de - program yourself from codependency and don´t let people manipulate you, use
you, abuse you ... and on your expense! Protect your prana energy. The soul freedom and prana energy is all you have and it is actually all that really matters. Protect it with every fiber of your being.
3. The narcissists are claiming that all of their exes are crazy (Let´s talk a bit about those "crazy exes"):
The narcissists
always talk poorly about their previous partners. Everything is their
exes faults, the narcissists are always the saints in all stories. All the previous
partners are crackheads, mentally ill, alcoholics, crazy manic people, cheaters. And
you know what? Sometimes it is even true. Who would not end up drinking alcohol after the relationship with the
narcissist? Or go crazy? In most of the cases, the accusations about their exes
being horrible people, alcoholics, drug addicts, crazy maniacs are completely
fabricated lies but sometimes it is actually true. Narcissistic abuse will either absolutely make you
or absolutely break you. And if it breaks you, you become a giant mess. The narcissists will mess you up. Narcissistic abuse is a very specific form of domestic violence where the narcissistic abusers cause a tremendous psychological, emotional, physical and financial damage to their victims and as the results of such an abuse, the victims suffer from PTSD trauma. It takes years for the victims to heal from such a horrifying experience.
A lot of narcissists cause such a tremendous damage to their exes to the point that those poor human beings self medicate themselves to survive the symptoms of PTSD after they have been abused. Most of the victims of narcissistic abuse need to seek therapy. Most of the abused victims are angry and overwhelmed with extreme emotions and freaking out. Who normal would not be angry after being abused? The victim´s sleeping pattern is dysregulated, their eating pattern is dysregulated, their emotions are dysregulated, their lives are destroyed and stolen. Many of the victims commit even the suicides after the narcissistic abuse. There is a huge possibility that those exes have been actually once shiny, happy, smiley, successful, healthy people. Then the narcissists happened to them. Now they are crazy. So, sometimes when you hear the "crazy ex story", let it be the impulse for you not to jump right away into an immediate judgment and a fast conclusion but rather let´s investigate more why the exes became crazy, what is the reason for their "craziness", who exactly drove them into that "craziness", why they ended up as homeless, alcoholics, heroin addicts, why they have been hospitalized for a bad mental health. There is a possibility that their exes were really horrible people but there is also a possibility that the person you date is actually an abuser and that "crazy ex" is actually a poor victim of domestic violence.
Often, victims of any type of abuse avoid professional therapy because they either can´t afford it or they feel too deeply ashamed about what happened to them so they choose easier way to comfort them - they self medicate with whatever is accessible for them, usually it is alcohol as it is widely available basically everywhere. Its not uncommon that people who never drunk alcohol in their whole lives start to suddenly drink alcohol after the break up with the narcissists. The narcissistic abuse feels like someone raped your mind and your soul. And you feel like you are going to die. So, you are better to listen to such a HUGE red flag such "my ex was crazy" or even "my ex committed suicide" because if your new dates are the true narcissists, you can be the next crazy homeless ex or even end up dead (either by suicide or you can get killed).
This is a photo of Shannan Watts. The photo on the right was made right before her covert narcissistic husband killed her. This is how emotionally abused, psychologically bullied, exhausted victim´s face look like. The narcissists always turn once happy healthy people into a crazy sick mess. The narcissists are like the cat who loves to chase the mouse. For the cat, the chasing is more exciting than the catch itself. The cat loves the chasing game and the hide and seek mental game. Then, after the cat catches the mouse, the cat plays with the half dead mouse until the mouse is barely breathing. Only then the cat decides to finish the mouse completely. It´s not enough for the cat just to catch the mouse and kill the mouse right away. No, the cat needs to torture the mouse for hours and hours for her personal sadistic entertainment until the cat finally kills the mouse. The narcissists love to play back and forth game, the mind game, the hot and cold dynamic game, the crazy-making game. It´s not enough for them to just kill you. They have to abuse you and exhaust you completely before they finish you. The narcissists drove you to craziness, then accuse you of being crazy. But ... who is really crazy here?
Did you know that financial abuse and homelessness is being connected to domestic violence? And narcissistic abuse is a form of a domestic violence. Did
you know that homeless problem is not only about being a homeless?
The root cause of homelessness is much deeper. The common reasons why
people becomes homeless are untreated mental illness, student debt,
LGBTQ family rejection, domestic violence, income inequality and PTSD
(Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), just to mention a few. Our society
often judges homeless people seeing them only as alcoholics and drug
users. But not many people realizes that drug and alcohol addictions
have much deeper root cause than just "having fun being high". The
homeless people often suffers from PTSD trauma and they self -
medicate with alcohol and drugs to reduce and mask their anxiety, panic
attacks, depression, suffering with mental health and struggle with
copying with the life. Not all but a lot of homeless people were once successful healthy people contributing to the society by having the jobs, they lived a normal live, they lived in their houses. Then they divorced the narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths and their homelessness and addictions are being a direct result of the narcissistic abuse. It is not uncommon that the narcissists drive people into bankruptcies, homelessness and even joblessness (as people who suffers from PTSD are too emotionally crippled by the narcissistic abuse to either keep the job or to find the job). Many victims of narcissistic abuse even commit a suicide. Did you know that the most common direct or indirect reason for the suicides is actually PTSD? The number one reason why people are killing themselves is because the pain inside of their souls and the PTSD symptoms became so unbearable to the point they decided to end their lives. Why the alcoholics are drinking the alcohol? To mask the PTSD symptoms. Then they die from a liver disease. But the original reason why they started to drink in the first place was to self-medicate the PTSD so we can say that the real reason why they died is because the PTSD killed them. The alcohol did not kill them. The PTSD did. The same with the drug addicts. They might die from overdose or HIV but the original reason why they started to use the drugs in the first place was to self-medicate the PTSD. Any kind of addiction (sex addiction, codependency - emotional addiction, workaholism, shopaholism, etc.) is coming from the place of suffering from PTSD trauma in the first place. PTSD is very dangerous because unlike other physical injuries (such as a broken bleeding nose), the PTSD is a silent killer and an invisible emotional injury. Everybody is very prompt to help a person with the broken bleeding nose but when you are tremendously suffering from PTSD, nobody helps you because your suffering is not obvious. In our society, unless you are massively bleeding in the middle of the street, everybody considers you healthy. Most of the victims of the narcissistic abuse develop mental health issues and if they do not get the right treatment for it, it can develop further into the serious mental illnesses or neurosis. Many times the victims of the narcissistic abuse are being misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder while what they are really suffering from is PTSD after the narcissistic abuse.
THE NARCISSIST'S PRAYER: "That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did ... You deserved it"! (- author unknown)
4. The narcissists constantly and poorly talk about their exes or they openly or subtly low-key irritate and provoke their exes for attention (You know you are over your ex when you feel neutral towards them):
"It was always my dream to talk hours about your ex on our first dates". - says nobody ever.
If
someone constantly speak about their exes, speak poorly about their
exes, show an anger and hate towards their exes, it means they still
have unresolved issues with them or within themselves, they did not heal
from the previous relationships or they even still love their exes. You
know someone is fully moved on and healed from their exes when they are
neutral towards them. Healed people does not have triggers. And where
are no triggers, there is indifference, apathy and disinterest. Healed
people does not try to make their exes jealous, they do not triangulate,
they do not try to prove them something, they don´t provoke them on purpose to dig the reactions out from them, they do not bring up their exes on every occasion in conversations, they do not make the selfies with the
new partners on the first dates to post it on social media to frustrate and
irritate their exes they freshly broken up with. If you ask your healed new
dates about their exes, they might be polite enough to answer your questions
because they understand it´s maybe important for you but it will be clear from their side that it is not important for them. Because simply, they are already over their exes. Hate and love are still strong emotional attachments
towards the exes. We must admit that we don´t like all of our exes (some
of them have been pretty nasty jerks and narcs!) so not all of us have
actually something nice to say about our exes, but once a healed people
decide to date again, its because they feel ready to do so and they don´t
want their past to be part of their future. People who are ready to
date, they date drama free and for the right reasons. Whether their exes were nice people or narc jerks, they already moved on from them.
Not
all people who are still feeling negative emotions towards their exes
must be necessary the narcissists. Maybe they are nice people but they are heart broken. Either way,
the narcissists, heart broken people, traumatized people and bleeding people
have nothing to do on the dating scene. You want to date because it
suppose to be fun and you want to find love of your life, not to get
depressed, damaged, drag yourself into a drama and mess or carry
someone´s else burden already from the first dates. These people should
enter the therapy instead of the relationships. Never make other
people´s problem to be your problem! Everybody is fully responsible for themselves, nobody is responsible for anybody. If you feel that someone is not
ready to date yet, let them go. Wish them healing and remove
yourself from the toxic situation. There are plenty of people who
worked hard on themselves to heal and make themselves whole and healthy,
this is the type of the people you want to date! Otherwise is waste of your time and nerves!
5. The narcissists triangulate their new dates with their exes and they drag everybody into a drama, mess and toxic romantic triangles:
The
true narcissists are taking this "ex thingy" on the first dates to the next
level. Everything is an opportunity for the narcissists to extract "old
good" narcissistic supply. They triangulate their old and new partners
and force everybody into the toxic romantic triangles on purpose (often times, unwillingly and unknowingly from the side of the sources of narcissistic supply). The
narcissists pit people against each other in a nasty way. They make even
people who do not know each other at all hating each other. If the
relationships start with the drama, jealousy and triangulation, its time
to leave the circus before all the clowns and monkeys will enter the
arena. Do not entertain it, otherwise joining the circus will only suck you deeper and deeper into the toxic spiral. You have to understand that only clowns live in circus. The queens and the kings live in the castles. And circus and castle are two different things. You can feel the difference. Leave that nasty circus and start to walk towards your castle.
The narcissists over-value, under-value and de-valuate their old and new partners as it is convenient to them - they let all their sources of narcissistic supply to compare and compete with each other. "Oh, you are better than my ex. My ex is crap". One week later: "My ex was better. Now you are the crap". The prize to win? A narc jerk. Everybody is getting hurt in the process while the massively insecure narcissists get their boost of their fragile egos when everybody is "fighting" for them. In the end, everybody lose. You lose when you leave. You lose when you´re being dumped. You lose even more when you stay or when you "win" the narcissists. There is no winning with the narcissists, no matter if you are the new or the old partner. It´s tragedy for EVERYBODY. Its no winning to be in any relationship with the narcissists because narcissism is cluster B type of the personality disorder, the same category as psychopaths and sociopaths, and nobody wants to be willingly and knowingly in relationship with Voldemort.
It´s a great red flag when you date a new people and already after few dates you have to deal with their baby mamas and baby papas dramas, resolving their personal issues or just simply being hunted by ghosts of their exes. Heyyy, too much troubles for the relationship that only just started like 2 weeks ago, no? Isn´t suppose to be the beginning of the relationships easy peasy smooth golden super romantic period?
6. The narcissists force intimacy and sex too early in the relationships:
The manipulators know very well that sex creates bond. At least this is how normal people function - for normal people sex creates emotional bonds. The narcissists lack of empathy and that´s why they are not capable to bond at all. But they know the normal people does. The narcissists exploit normal people through manipulative sex to trap those people in their "narc fun houses".
Having sex too early in the relationships tricks your mind. The hormones that your brain produces during the sex are making you feel good and happy. And you can misinterpret this good happy feeling as "having a good happy relationship". But it is only a hormonal illusion. Happy sex is something completely different than having a happy relationship. Sex early in the relationship creates fake happiness. This is the reason why many people are being stuck in the toxic relationships way longer than they would if no sex is involved. If the sex would be not involved, they will have more clear understanding of the fact that they actually do not like the personality of their new partners and that except sex there is really nothing high quality going on there. Everybody who is truly interested in you will be first interested in knowing your souls, not your body. People misjudges the strong physical attraction for compatibility. They misjudge attention and sex for love. They misjudge the attachment for the connection. That´s why it is important to avoid sex at all cost in the beginning of the relationships. So you can really get to know someone´s personality and true intentions.
You should avoid sex in the beginning of the relationships also to see if your new dates stay around. Usually, the narcissists are very impatience, they want everything without any work, here and now! When the narcissists do not get what they want right away (sex is often on their top list), they will lose interest. Only those who are truly interested in you will continue to date you because they truly want to know you on a soul level. Whats the hurry when they want to spend the rest of their lives with you, right? Insecure people are scared that if they do not give in with sex too early in the relationships, their new dates will leave them. Announcement! The narcissists will leave anyway. No matter what people do or don´t do. If the narcissists do not get the sex, they will ghost you because they did not get what they wanted. If they get the sex, they will leave you anyway because now when they got what they wanted, they have no reason to stay. Always prioritize your dignity.
7. Watch how your new dates behave and how they treat people around them:
If your new dates treat the waiters in the restaurant, strangers on the street or even their exes badly, its only a matter of a time that they will start to treat you the same way. Its not a question of "if", its a question of "when". Because this is their personality. Personality is general. So, if you are a jerk, you are usually jerk in general. You are jerk at work, you are jerk at home, you are jerk in the grocery store. If you are a manipulator, you are the same everywhere with everybody. If you are a liar, you don´t usually pick only one person on the planet to lie to. You lie everywhere to everybody. If you have a tendency to steal, the moment the chance arises, you would steal from anybody, it does not matter who the person is. If you see your dates to mistreat others, you see them lie to others, you see steal from others, you see cheating on others, don´t trust them. You are not safe with them. One day, they will do the same to you.
The narcissists often mistreat people in service industry - they feel that if they paid for the services, they buy also the right to abuse people who serve them. If the narcissists see someone with lower status than they have, it is an open invitation for them to abuse those people. They also often abuse sick people, old people and disabled people. They can´t control their urge to take an advantage of people´s vulnerabilities. Everybody will become vulnerable at some point in their lives. This is exactly those moments you can uncover the narcissists the clearest, this is the moment when you will see the narcissist´s true face in their purest form and their most horrific glory. When you will be vulnerable, this is exactly the moment when the narcissists will attack you the most.
In general, doing good deeds for others is a wonderful quality one can posses. This world need more kind people with empathy! However, good deeds done by the narcissists is far from what good deeds should be about. The narcissists often treat people good only if it makes them look good in front of others. They are mother Theresa when camera is rolling (and the devil behind the doors). The moment they are alone with people whom the narcissists perceive as "less than them", they mistreat those people. Unless their good deeds are not captured on social media for everybody to see how saint and amazing the narcissists are, they will not do those good deeds in private where nobody sees them. They do not do good deeds for others for the reason that they are simply good people but because they are bad dangerous people and those "pseudo good deeds" help them to maintain their "false self mask" in public. But deep inside, the narcissists are nasty people. The nastiest of the nastiest.
The narcissists love to gossip! They are the gossip machines! If your new dates talk poorly about other people and gossip a lot, this is exactly how they will talk about you behind your back in the future. In general, excessive gossiping is a nasty habit. Gossiping is a form of black magic which also creates a bad karma. People who are gossiping are sending a bad energy and curses towards other people they gossip about and they bring bad karma onto themselves. The gossipers have a dark energy. Never be around people who are gossiping, keep your spirit clean, cultivate good energy within you, mind your own business, don´t put your nose into someone´s else business and stay away from those with bad energy. Always surround yourself with positive people with positive mind sets with whom you can talk about goals and positive ideas. Surround yourself with those who lift your spirit up.
If the new dates show you glimpses of negativity, name calling, toxicity, arrogance, sarcasm over the top, non stop complaining, entitlement, anger outbursts, temper-tantrums, excessive and annoying bragging, never ending grumpiness, anger issues, bad behavior, weird bizarre behavior that make no sense, if they are barbarous, rude, disrespectful, vulgar, gross, ill-mannered, inconsiderate, insulting, uncivilized and they have no manners, you should not try to excuse it or over look it. Especially, if this becomes a pattern. Bad behavior has a tendency only to intensify once the narcissists start to feel comfortable around you. The little mistreatment will become a huge mistreatment in the future. When the new dates show you who they are, don´t try to over paint it with a different color. It is what it is.
Although, it´s also important to understand that normal people are not perfect either. If you expect to find the "perfect flawless partner", you will be waiting for one for forever. The normal people mess up sometimes too. They can have a bad sleep at night and be grumpy the next day. Or they can have their own issues and traumas that they can act out. They can go through the tough times. They can make little or bigger mistakes. There is nothing like "the perfect partner". So, how to recognize a good person who has only "a bad day" and the malicious bad person with a personality disorder? Simply - clearly communicate to them what bothers you. Highlight your issue to them. If they admit their mistake, if they correct themselves, if they apologize and if they make amends to you, you know you are dealing with a healthy person. If someone loves you, they will be trying to positively resolve the issue with you or make the compromise. Every normal person prefer peace. Maybe, they will need few days to process the information given to them or to process their ego, but they will eventually come to you and do what is right. On the other hand, if you try to communicate any issue with the narcissists, they will lash at you, blame shift, they will be irritated and angry to you, they will minimize the issue, tell you that you are just over-sensitive and crazy, they will not correct themselves and they will continue to do the mistakes even they know it is bothering you or hurting you. When you say to a normal person that something is bothering and hurting you, they will stop doing it but if you tell the narcissists that something is bothering and hurting you, they will even do those actions more often and more intensely because the narcissists love to trigger and upset people. The best apologize is the changed behavior.
If someone is robbing you of your sanity, dignity, peace, your goals, focus, if they are mentally exhausting you, spiritually draining you, stealing your emotional energy, feeding you illusions, treating you badly and giving you creepy energy vampire vibes, remove yourself from those toxic people. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who nourish your soul, positively stimulate your mind, inspire and help you to bloom and help you to become your best version. Choose your partner wisely. The right partner will be your greatest investment. The wrong partner will become your downfall.
Use
your intuition to detect if you are in a presence of a toxic negative
person. When you are around negative people with a bad energy, you feel
low key stressed and your stomach might be upset. You feel like you are
not able to relax around those people.
8. The narcissists act weird on the first dates (Level 100 weirdness):
For many people, the first dates might be stressful and they might act uncomfortable, weird and stressed. Introverts are very shy and it takes time for them to feel comfortable around the new people. Once they get comfortable with the people around them, they relax and they are capable to show more of their great qualities. Also, people with social anxieties might act weird in public where there are many people around them. So, weirdness does not need to be necessary a red flag that someone is a serial killer. Those people can be genuinely nice so if you see that your dates are a bit over-stressed, you might give it a few more shots, meet them few more times to see how it is going. The introverts are not like the Christmas gift, they will not open to you right away.
However, nothing hits the level of weirdness than the dates with the narcissists. Level 100. They might mumble and whisper nasty words (such as "you ugly b*itch" or "you´re a loser dude") and then they pretend they said nothing making you feel like you are crazy for hearing some "non existent voices". The narcissists might tell you sentences that do not even make sense (almost like a speech of a schizophrenic) or tell you weird jokes that are actually not even funny, the jokes that are just plain weird and bizarre and it makes you uncomfortable and confused but you politely smile back at them to save the situation. The narcissists often act, think, talk in a weird way. Once you are leaving from the dates with the narcissists, you might think for yourself in your head" "What the Ffffffffff was this ...?" A demon, darling, a demon.
The more time you will be spending around the narcissists, the more creepy situations you will be experiencing. Not 24/7. Just here and there. The narcissists are switching between their natural creepiness and pretended normalcy which cause other people around them to slide into the cognitive dissonance often and they brush this red flag off due to that cognitive dissonance.
9. The narcissists ghost you after the first date or after couple of dates:
If you scared someone away with having the boundaries, being a decent human, being a strong person, having your standards and class, it means this person was not right for you. You basically can´t scare someone with the same values away. Quite contrary - when a person recognizes in you the similar value system that is identical or similar to theirs, they want to stick around, not to go away.
Number one rule in dating - never take anything personally. Especially not ghosting. Actually, be thankful for being ghosted on the first dates, it means they do not waste your time. Its always better to be ghosted after few days of dating than being ghosted after 10 years of a marriage with 3 kids. Do not take ghosting personally because it has nothing to do with you. People always project and you should never internalize. Maybe they are cowards. Maybe they are childish. Maybe they are narcissists. Maybe they are players. Maybe they are just crazy. Non of those qualities is something you want to marry anyway. Delete, block, never look back. Next, please!
Be disciplined in self love and self respect. If someone disrespect you, it says a lot about them, it has nothing to do with you but if you do not respect yourself and you allow this person disrespect you some more, its on you! If someone ghost you or in general disrespect you, never allow this person to come back to your life. You don´t want such a damaged material to be your future husband or future wife. If they ghost you already on the first dates, they are fully capable to do it anytime during the marriage. Maybe you will get a flu and you will need them to take care of you and they will disappear for days when you need them the most. Or maybe you will need a help with the child and they will ghost you and leave everything on your shoulders. Who wants that? Being a ghoster is a horrible quality. Not a wife or a husband material. The right partner who is matured, normal and in adult´s energy will always show up for you. Always. There will be no ghosting. No games. Only immature man-child and woman-child in child energy will run, hide and play childish games. And also the narcissists. If someone acts funny, cut them off like they are a joke.
The narcissists intensively chase their targets on the first dates and once they have got their targets hooked, they suddenly stop the chase and they often start to ghosting those people. Now the targets start to chase the narcissists. The narcissists do not enjoy to chase people. They chase them only to get them hooked with the intense love bombing (just like the drug dealers have to get their new consumers hooked with first heroin shots for free, it´s part of their business tactics) but the ultimate goal of the narcissists is actually you to start to chase them (the same as the ultimate goal of the drug dealers is their new consumers start to chase the drug dealers). When you chase the narcissists, its a narcissistic supply for them. It boosts their fragile ego. The more people chase them, the more "important" they feel. The love triangle is the ultimate chase game - now they have multiple people giving them the narcissistic supply. The narcissists never invest anything into you without having in mind that they have to get it back 10 times fold in the future. If they buy you a little chocolate, after some time, they will make sure they get back the whole chocolate factory out of you. They put you on the pedestal in the beginning and they let you to feed of them a little bit (they bombard you with an attention), but later, they drag you off the pedestal and now they feed of you 10 times fold (now they ignore you and you give them 10 times more attention than they ever gave you in the beginning). The victims feed of the narcissists in the beginning of the relationships. The narcissists feed of the victims in the end of the relationships. The narcissists use their victims the same way as the farmers use their chickens - first the farmers take care of the chickens, they smile at the chickens, they feed it so they grow and once the chickens are grown, strong and full of beautiful energy, they kill them and feed themselves with their meat. It´s all calculated. The farmers knew that they have to invest a little bit into the chickens so later they can have the meat for consumption. They did not invest into the chickens because they love them. They knew from the very beginning they will kill them and eat them.
You
did not lose anything when the narcissist ghosted you. God loves you so
much to the point He protects you by removing one of the most dangerous
crazy people on Earth from your life. Don´t run back to what God removed from
you. Not everybody was lucky to survive the narcissists. Some of the
victims were not lucky enough to be ghosted. Some of them have been
murdered (for example, the covert narcissist Chris Watts murdered his
pregnant wife and his two little children). Are you still alive? The narcissists ghosted you and never came back? Congrats to you. You are the lucky one!
Sometimes the narcissists kill people or chase them for years in a scary way that reminds you of the scenes in horror movies. Let God choose the right people for you. What is yours, you do not need
to chase it, beg for it, struggle for it and stress for it. It will come easy to you, you don´t even need to search for it because you will attract it without any effort, it will be
transparent, it will have a joyful energy and it will stay. Anything
else is not meant for you. Let it go. Be thankful for all the closed wrong doors, everything with bad energy that fell apart and all vicious people who showed you their true face. It is all only a magical mysterious way how the Universe redirecting you to better things in your life that are actually meant for you. Don´t resist the change. Welcome it. God heard everything that was said behind your back when you did not hear it, God saw everything that was plotted, planned against you and all that bad energy that was secretly sent your way, even you did not notice it. But God did. And even you did not realized it, God was fighting for you all this time. You are now being redirected to your future happiness. All you have to do is to let go, do not resist and do your part (which is focus on your healing). Yes, the shift of the energies and the change is painful and uncomfortable. Everything new is scary. But you have to find the strength inside of you to endure a temporary "grow pain" and "healing pain" in order to shift your energy into the correct direction and your reward for your inner work will be your healed energy, higher vibration, "new you" that will attract new people, new opportunities, new life. Everybody who is meant for you will grow together with you. Everybody who is not growing with you will be automatically removed from your life. Its because you have no business to be with the low vibration people. Allow yourself to vibrate higher!
If someone is sending the mixed signals
towards you (confusion, constant dismissive behavior, stone walling, silent
treatment, withholding, repetitive rejection pattern, inconsistency,
passive - aggressive behavior, hot and cold dynamics, ghosting) or if they say "I
don´t know" or "Maybe" or "Later because I am not ready now", make yourself a favor and consider it as "No". People who are
truly interested in you will tell you a clear "Yes". In fact, their
answer will be: "Hell, yeaaaah" Yes! Yes! Yes!" If you do not receive a
clear positive signal, the answer is always "No". People who are sending
you mixed signals only manipulate you. They give you enough breadcrumbs
to stick around but they will not give you the whole bread loaf that you deserve.
People make time for what they really want. You are not Cinderella, you
are the Queen and the King. Act like one.
10. The narcissists don´t value your time:
The
narcissists are often late to dates, they are cancelling the last
minute, they are rescheduling the dates all the time and they do
the disappearance acts without any explanations for weeks with the intense
come backs "from
nowhere" and hot and cold dynamics. One day they are all over you, the
next day they are cold as a stone. Although, here and there
even healthy normal people mess up or they really have a valid reason to
be late, but if not respecting your time become a repetitive
pattern, its a red flag. Normal healthy people value other´s time, they
always apologize for being late, they have the tendency to explain why
they are late and they are trying to make amend. On the other hand, the
narcissists are arrogant and entitled (never misunderstand the
confidence with the pure arrogance), they see people as their properties, depersonalized objects and they
feel that the only time that matters is theirs. The narcissists see other people similarly as the farmers see the chickens. The farmers know that the animals are living breathing beings, yet, they still see them as the objects, they will kill them and eat them without any further considerations as they see those animals only as the sources of meeting their own needs and wants. The narcissists usually do not even
make an effort to apologize and you can clearly see they are not sorry
at all. The time is the most valuable commodity you have. Never allow
people to waste it. In general, the narcissists are the ultimate time wasters. Every minute of your life that you give them, you will later greatly regret it.
If your new dates change the plans too often, it might also indicate that they are married and busy with children or they are in the relationship with someone else.
11. The narcissists slightly devaluate you already on the first dates:
You are having your first dinner together and they are spending most of the time glued on the phone or they’re looking all over the place not paying attention to you. They make you feel not important, they make you feel insecure and feeling bad about yourself (on purpose - make no mistakes). They flirt with other people right in front of you to make you feel jealous. They low-key project their suppressed anger towards you with backhanded compliments that attacks your self-esteem. Warning: It will not get better 20 years into the marriage. Devaluation is a part of the never ending toxic cycle with the narcissists. Idealization, devaluation, discard. On repeat. The narcissists do not change. They get worst with their nasty habits the older they get.
12. The narcissists "self-invite" themselves for free meals to the dates with you and let you pay for it:
How
awkward would it be to invite someone for a dinner, then order the most expensive
meal on the menu in the restaurant and then let that invited person pay for it. Yes, this
kind of people does exist - the narcissists. Users usually
"self-invite" themselves for free meals. The "sugar meal daddies" and
"sugar meal mummies" are people who are being used only to pay for the
free meals for the narcissists. The narcissists "self - invite" themselves out with
you only when they want you to pay for something. When there is a turn
for you to enjoy the date out, being cared of and paid for, the
narcissists are suddenly nowhere to be found. Or they "forgot" their wallet at home when it is time to pay for the dinner. Did you notice that the narcissists are forgetting their wallets at home way too often?
Sometimes, the narcissists even invite their friends to the dates with you (sometimes even without any prior notice) and they expect you to pay for the dinner for everybody. Sometimes the narcissists are going as far as making you pay for their friend´s trips, gifts and airplane tickets.
The narcissists are often asking people for the favors already on the first dates. They might start to fake crying and then they ask you to pay their rent. Or you might end up paying not only for the dinner but also for their car repair already on the first date.
Beware of people who want to discover and explore your wallet before their discover and explore your soul. Never let anybody (not alone a stranger you barely know) to emotionally manipulate you to pay for anything. If they ask you for money for a car repair, suggest them to find a job and pay the car repair by themselves. If they emotionally manipulate you with fake cry and sobbing stories already on the first date, suggest them to enter the therapy with a professional licensed therapist. And you get out of the train. You sit in the wrong one.
Many empaths are codependents and this combination of having the empathy but also having the codependency is very dangerous and that´s basically on what the predators are always preying and counting because the narcissists are psychological bullies, emotional abusers and professional "guiltrippers". Until you heal your codependency, you will keep attracting the narcissists, they will keep exploiting you, you will always feel like you have to heal everybody you meet, you will always feel like you have to sacrifice yourself for everybody on your expense by denying your own wants and needs and you will always feel like you are responsible for the whole world. YOU ARE NOT. You are nobody´s therapist, nobody´s mumma or dadda, nobody´s teacher, nobody´s ATM. You are your own queen and king. You are nobody´s slaver. Get rid of the slaver mentality. Number one rule for every codependent in recovery: DON´T MAKE OTHER PEOPLE´S PROBLEM TO BE YOUR PROBLEM! Train yourself to feel responsibility only towards yourself. Others are also responsible only for themselves. Change is very personal decision and it all depends on every person. If someone really want to change, you don´t need to push them into it, they will be those who will start to take steps towards the changes by themselves (even without you saying one word or lift your finger). Actually, the only people who has the capacity to change is those who wants to change (with their own free will) and those who execute the changes by themselves. No help is needed for those who really want to change. They will help themselves. Only users are waiting for your help because they don´t want to really change, they only want you to do everything for them so they don´t need to help themselves, they are just lazy, it´s easier for them to have their slavers to do stuff for them (we can´t really call it help, let´s call it the right way - usery or "sponge-ry"). When someone wants to change, nobody can stops them. When someone don´t want to change, nobody can push them into it. Leave the decisions on others whether they want to change or not, its their life. If they decide to be toxic for the rest of their lives is non of your business. Your business is only to leave the toxic people because you have to take responsibility for your own mental health and if someone is destroying your peace and mental health, you have the absolute right to leave them (no matter who the person is - mother, father, adult child, best friend, stranger on the street, spouse, etc). Codependency is trauma response, it is a form of a disorder and if you suffer from codependency, consider to enter the therapy in order to de-program from emotional codependency. Free yourself from toxic guilt and shame so you can start to enjoy your emotional independence. You are not responsible for other people. Period.
13. The narcissists are touchy and say "I love you" too early in the relationships or even on the first dates:
A lot of narcissists practice
sweet talk, sex talk, execute a body contact and they are touchy
already on the first dates. This is an indicator that the person lack of
boundaries and if you allow your new date to treat you disrespectfully,
it indicates that you lack of boundaries too. The dating should stay at
talking stage for a certain amount of time so people can get properly know
each other. If someone is crossing your boundaries in any way already
on the first dates, this person is clearly testing the waters to see
what they can get away with and what are your limits. The abusers are
notorious for testing the waters first before they go full on abuse.
They want to know first how far they can go with you and how much you let them to
cross your boundaries.
The first dates should be about fun and taking things slow. If someone tells you "I love you" already on the first dates, they are clearly out of their mind. The narcissists often use sentences such as "You are my soulmates" or "Where have you been all my life, you are the best thing that happened to me" only after few days of knowing you. After just few dates, this person does not know you at all. Even after weeks and months they don´t know you at all. Definitely not enough to make any assumption about you. Love is not a lust. Love is something that grows over time. You do not fall in love, you grow into the love. If someone confesses an undying love for you without even knowing you, ask them these simple questions: Why you love me? What exactly you love about me? And you will see. Their answer will be very superficial such as "Because you have nice eyes / nice ass". They will not come up with the deeper answer simply because they don´t know you at all.
The
narcissists have a very dysregulated attachment style because they have
not been properly mirrored by their mothers or other care givers in
their childhood. That´s why they have no sense of healthy attachment.
The narcissists usually try to attach immediately but the real deep
connection is missing. Attachment and connection are two different
things. Parasites attach to their hosts. Deep connection is happening on
soul level. The connection gives you power. The attachment sucks the life out of you. Connections is something that is being developed over time,
not on the first dates.
14. The narcissists over-flatter people on the first dates:
Not
everybody who gives you a nice compliment is a narcissist. Good people
are genuine and loving, they know how to appreciate your good qualities, they
acknowledge your accomplishments and compliment your new hair cut. They want you to feel good about yourself. But
when you meet the narcissists, they usually use their superficial charm
to manipulatively and intensively love bomb you with over-praise, over-complimenting, over-admiring
that is over the top. Their way of flattering people is unnatural and without any rational reasons (for example, telling someone "You are the best" with knowing them only 3 days - in 3 days nobody can know if you are the best or not). They flatter people for the wrong reason - to suck them into the abusive relationships and to use them. The narcissists are always nice only when they want something from you. As the time progresses, you will start to notice that the narcissists are actually your greatest haters. They are pathologically envious of other people, even their own spouses, children and best friends. Everything will become a competition for them. How to recognize haters from people who truly loves you? Easily. The haters are happy when you cry and cry when you are happy. People who loves you cry when you cry and they are happy when you are happy. The normal people will always acknowledge and compliment your success. The narcissist will give you the silent treatment and smear campaign you to destroy your success. The normal people will be your emotional support in your time of distress. The narcissists will abandon you and kick you while you are down in your time of distress. All of those grandiose words and flattery in the beginning is a pure illusion. You don´t go from treating someone like God on Thursday to treat them like a trash on Friday for no reason, especially when nothing changed between you overnight. The relationships with the narcissists lack of consistency. All the flattery will be gone once the relationships progress. The narcissists are usually very dismissive, withholding and neglectful in relationships, give it a time! In the beginning of the relationships with the narcissists, they made you feel like a true queen/king. In the end of the relationships, your self-esteem will be so low and beaten down that you will want to kill yourself. They will degrade you to Cinderella. They will flatter you to the point you will feel so high. Then they will abuse you to the point you will feel so low. The first dates, you have been the best cook in the world! Nobody ever compared to your cooking skills! Not even their exes! (Notice triangulation). They are soooo happy to have someone like you who knows how to cook the most delicious meals! Couple of months into the relationships, the meals you cook is a shit and you sucks! Does not matter that you baked the exact same cake with the same exact recipe today as you baked during the first dates with them. Then it was amazing, today it is a shit. And there is nothing logical behind their thinking and that´s what will make you go crazy. They will take the plate with your cake and throw it to the dog while they will be causing drama and scene like from the horror movie. Suddenly, their exes were actually cooking much better ... (Notice the triangulation again). The normal people will be your greatest supporters even after 30 years into the relationships, nothing will radically change from how they treated you in the beginning. Maybe the healthy relationships with the healthy people are not that grandiose and sometimes they are slightly boring due to lack of trauma and drama but you can be sure that healthy people will be nice to you the first day they met you the same way as they will be nice to you after 30 years with you. The narcissists hate you, envy you and they wish you fail and kill yourself. Times reveals a lot. Once the narcissists lure you in with flattery and they will feel like they secured you, then the abuse will start. From then, no flattery, bye bye los flatteros. The narcissists always show their true colors after some time. They will go from loving and praising you for your good qualities to hating everything about you and envy you for everything later on.
15. The narcissists tell on themselves, you just need to listen.
How
many times your dates told that they have been cheating in the previous
relationships? How many times your new dates revealed that they have been
divorced 5 times and you would not listen? How many times the new dates
expressed that they do not want children (while you want the children)
and you would not listen? How many times the new dates confessed that
they are not ready for the commitment but you would not listen and forced
them to commit? Dating
is about gathering the information so listening is a really great skill
to master before entering the dating scene. And even greater skill is to learn how to accept the reality. If someone tells on themselves, learn to accept it as a fact. The red flags are always
there, you must only learn to listen more carefully. Many victims of
narcissistic abuse, when they are honest with themselves, they will
recall many red flags they caught on the first dates with their abusers,
they have just brushed it off because they blindly fell in love. That´s
why the famous quote: "The love is blind". The narcissists often say sentences like "If you know my true self, you would hate me" or "I am not good enough for you" or "How can you put up with someone like me?" or "I will destroy you" already on the first dates. Don´t codependently fight it, do not reply back to them: "No, I am sure deep down you are a good guy/good girl, I know there is something good inside of you". The codependents always want to see the good in people. Even it is not there. Stop gaslighting yourself. If someone tells on themselves, just accept it as a fact. Do not try to re-paint it with different color. Learn to listen more and speak less. The abusers tell a lot on themselves but you have to learn yourself to listen.
16. The veil of mystery with the narcissists with no transparency:
The narcissists always cover the reality with the veil of mystery. You never know where you stand with them. Not on the first date, not even after 20 years of the marriage. They keep their victims always in a constant confused state of mind on purpose. It´s easier to manipulate people who are confused.
The
narcissists are experts at avoiding answering the questions, dancing
around the questions and avoiding to give a direct answer. They are
experts at being secretive. They want to know everything about everybody
but nobody knows anything about them. If you feel like you know the
narcissists, you don´t know them at all because most of the things they share
with people are just fabricated lies. They wear a "false self mask", they lack of personality (they are a void) and they lie a lot so you did not fell in love with a real person, you fell in love with the mask. This is the reason why people are utterly shocked when the narcissists suddenly change overnight and they become literary and completely someone else. It is because they have never been what they presented to you in the first place. It was a mask.
The narcissists often share stories that do
not add up. If you bring up the stories again few days later, they
completely change the story or even gaslight you into thinking that they did not share
any stories with you. The narcissists either over-share (mostly, they
share with you fabricated delusional grandiose fantasy) or they
under-share (they investigate you while they are very secretive about
them) on the first dates.
For the narcissists, dating people is only fun. The dating and relationships are serious to normal people, but not for the narcissists. They have fun to run around and make a fool of everybody. You will never get to know their true self. They will present a completely different person (or better to say "false self mask") to each person they date. They play roles like the actors in the movies. They actually live their lives like it is some kind of a movie. And that´s why nothing is ever real with them.
The narcissists are pathological liars. Dating a narcissist is like entering the house of broken mirrors. They have no idea who they are. So, that´s why you have no idea who they are either. If you hang around the narcissists long enough, you will lose yourself in the relationships with them and in the end, you will don´t know who you are either.
Every-time when the narcissist´s mouths are moving, they lie. If you catch someone to lie often (even about little things), it is a red flag. Observe their actions. If they say one thing but do the opposite, it is a clear sign that they use their words only to either manipulate you, confuse you or shut up you to get you off their back. The narcissists are good at words but they suck with actions. Start to pay an attention to their patterns (repetitive behavior). The narcissists might fool you with the words, but patterns never lie. Patterns are like the truth and the sun - all three can´t be hidden for too long. Liars will never tell you the truth. If you catch the narcissists lying, they will gaslight you. So, don´t rely on their words too much. Rather watch what they do. Over time, their actions will speak for themselves. They say "I love you" but they hurt you anyway? There is your answer. They promise to change, they say they will not do it again and three days later they do it again? There is your answer. The words mean nothing if the words are not being followed with the actions that are in sync. People often tries to find the answers in the words. But actually, the real answers are always in the actions, not the words.
17. The narcissists talk only about themselves and don´t care what you have to say or who you are:
Although, it is usually a good sign when your new date is confident, has a healthy self esteem and a positive self image and they talk about themselves but they should be equally interested in listening to you. The healthy communication should be like a ping - pong. The ball should fly from one corner of the table to another one and back. If someone want to talk about themselves the whole time without putting any effort into getting to know you, it indicates that they are self centered narcissists and this is a red flag. The narcissists have no desire to know people on a deeper level. In the eyes of the narcissists, people are only a narcissistic supply. You should only sit there on the date with them and either praise them for their grandiose disillusion or you should give them the sympathy because they play the victim card. The date will be all about them. You will be forced either to celebrate them as the heroes or to feel sorry for them as they´re the victims. You are only there to be used as a regulator of their emotions. Your only role on the first dates with the narcissists is to flatter them, soothe them, feed them with your prana energy, become their flying monkey to fight their exes on behalf of them, pay their dinner, be the trash can for where they can dump their negative energy. If you passed the test to become a potential great source of narcissistic supply because you feed the narcissists like an old good codependent, you will be love bombed and sucked into the relationships because you do the job of orbiting around the wants and needs of the narcissists so well that the users and manipulators decided to keep you. Congratulation. The narcissists just chose you to be their new idiot!
18. The narcissists confess that they have cheated on their exes or they are on the dating scene while they are taken:
If
your new dates are trying to convince you that they are in the process
of separating from their husbands and wifes, this is a red flag.
The married people and people in relationships have nothing to do on the
dating scene no matter if they "do not sleep with their partners
anymore" or
"they don´t love their partners anymore". Until they are officially
single, they
are not available or ready. Wish them luck and let them go. The dating
scene is full of super single people who will not be your "future
problem". You can´t start developing a healthy relationship with a person who sits with his or her ass on 3 different chairs. Maybe this is enough for Cinderella, but definitely not good enough for the Queen (and the Kings).
If
your new dates confess that they have cheated on their exes, take it as
a warning sign. If they cheated on 10 previous exes, no, you
are not special for them (just like the 10 before you thought they were
special but they were not either). You will be not the exception. If they cheat on them with you, they will cheat on you
with someone else (or even with the recycled exes).
Cheating means that the cheaters do not have any moral compass and do not understand boundaries.
19. The social climbers - narcissists are obsessing about your status and money on the first dates:
The narcissists have a malignant intuition. They prey on codependents - the empathetic people who lack boundaries. They prey on people with great qualities. The most suitable prey is a codependent with the great qualities. The codependents are fixers, solvers, savers, people pleasures with rescue tendencies and savior complex. And they don´t know how to say "No". The perfect target. The narcissists prey on people who brings them a low risk and a high reward. While the narcissists are for people a high risk and no reward.
The narcissists are obsessed with status. The narcissists target people who are high on the social ladder, they use people only as the stepping stones. Once they find someone else who is even higher on the social ladder, they will throw their old victims under the bus like its nothing and they move on to a new future victims.
The
social climbers - narcissists interrogate their targets like the
professional FBI. They want to know how much money the targets have,
what they own, who they know, what favors they get out of them, how they can
be useful for them. You would not meet more sweet person that the
narcissist who just caught a high quality person into his or her
narcissistic spider web. If the narcissists find out that the target is not
rich, famous or important, you will see how she or he flips the script, now he or she treats the target in a
nasty disrespectful way. The narcissists treat people good or bad based
on what status the targets have.
20. The narcissist´s push & pull and hot & cold dynamics in the relationships:
The narcissists always put their preys on the pedestal in the love bombing period but everything with the narcissists have an expiration date. There is not one happy ending in this world for relationships with the narcissists (business partnerships, marriages, etc). Once their targets enter the devaluation and discard stage (which is inevitable), their victims will be dragged off the pedestal in a brutal and cruel way. The victims go from being Cinderella, to being Queen and then back being Cinderella again. Nobody is special for the narcissists. Their preys are always special for them only for a very limited time. Then they become less then ordinary. Due to the narcissist´s black and white thinking, after you stop being special for them, you automatically jump right into the garbage category. There will be no slow gradual progress to go from "super special" to "super garbage". You can be even white or black with them. You will be super special on Tuesday and on Wednesday you will be already a super garbage. Nobody is special to the narcissists because they lack empathy and they don´t posses the capacity to love. They do not love themselves, they do not love other people. They hate themselves and they are masking their self - hate with arrogance which people often misinterpret as a confidence. Being confident with a healthy self-esteem is completely something different than being utterly arrogant. In the end, when the masks slip off, the narcissists turn their own self-hate towards their victims.
How to scare the narcissists away already on the first dates:
The narcissists only want the victims - codependents - doormats with desperate energy. Strong people intimidate them. Before you enter the dating world, make sure you develop a strong boundaries, your life is in order, you are fully healed from whatever emotionally and psychologically injured you in your life and you healed your self-esteem and self-worth. Most of the victims met their abusers when they have been going through a though times, when they were not in a good place in their lives and they did not love themselves. If you are bleeding, you will attract sharks. If you are an insecure codependent, you will attract the insecure narcissist. If you are a prey, you will attract the predator - aggressor. Dating while you are weak will only make you prey. You should always date only from the position of a strength and healthiness. If you are strong and healthy, you actually do not need to do anything special to scare the narcissists away. They can smell strong and healthy people from miles away and they avoid them or they will figure out very soon that they don´t deal with the easy prey and they will ghost you. The strong healthy people would be too much work for them with too much risk involved. Your strength, healthy self-esteem, good mental health, self-love and strong boundaries is a great repellent for the "narcs".
There are some other red flags to be discussed, next time! The red flags might vary based on what type of the narcissists you date. Its impossible to put just one label on each narcissist. For example, comparing the overt and covert narcissists might be an equivalent of comparing the extroverts with the introverts. Its very hard to uncover especially the covert type of the narcissists on the first dates as they are the most slickest of the cluster B, they present themselves as overly nice, sweet and caring people and they usually fly under the radar for a very long time. Without a proper education and being in a close relationships with them and spending some time around them, you do not have much chance to detect and uncover them early. The covert narcissists are like Judas, even skilled Jesus figured out too late. Its important for you to educate yourself on narcissism before you start to date, it can save you from years of heartbreak, misery and soul rape.
Remember, better to be single than in the toxic relationships. There is no point to be in the relationships with the narcissists. Being in the relationships with the narcissists is a very lonely experience. Maybe, you have the status "in relationship" on social media but actually you feel alone anyway. You can literary sit next to the narcissists and still feel lonely with them. They are always with head somewhere else, everything is more important priority than you, they are glued on the phone speaking to 30 people in the same time while you are sitting right next to them and they totally ignore you, you can´t even communicate with them properly because they just don´t care about how you feel, what was your day or your opinion. The narcissists are very empty selfish individuals and they will empty you too if you hang around them long enough. Actually, you feel less lonely when you are alone and single than when you are in the relationships with the narcissists. Paradoxically, being single feels less lonely. When you are in the relationships with the narcissists, every sickness you go through, you are alone in that, every success you want to celebrate, you are alone in that too, every time you need their emotional support or you have a bad day, they are not there for you anyway. And they fuck up all of your Bdays and Christmases. Being with the narcissists is very soul crashing and empty experience and foremost, a waste of your time. Make yourself a favor and wait for someone who is kind, loving, caring and who will be truly there for you. Someone who is worthy. Otherwise, whats the point?
If you found this article useful, share it with your dear ones who can benefit from this information. I appreciate it. If you wish to support my work, you might consider A DONATION. Thank you for your support. Ready to change your life? BUY MY BOOKS on narcissism and codependency.
