What a paradox that the new narcissistic abusive toxic source of supply is highly religious. Once my first narcissistic ex met her, he suddenly converted from being non-believer to be this “super saint religious good man” who sits in the church couple of times a week taking pictures from the church posting them online. What a shizzz show… He even wrote me an e-mail out of nowhere: “I only want you to know that I started to visit church often”. Little bi_tch, I don´t care about your lunatic crazy narcissistic shizzz, just give me back my money. Pay me what you own me.
pic 1-2
This crazy narcissistic new source of supply tried to do the “control damage” to “rewrite the history” once again. She is the classic overt type of the narcissist who can´t control herself and she has to over-share every little shizzz on the internet (including over-sharing everything about their relationship) and she has to constantly brag because she has a very low self-esteem, no confidence and she lacks self-love so she is compensating it with living in her fantasy world on internet creating her fantasy fake stories for the audience. She invented a whole new fantasy story about how she met my narcissistic ex. She tried to depict their love story as him being this saint good boy slash prince on white horse who was single and on celibacy 30 years before they met and once they met, they found G0d and blah blah. She said: “What is done in love is done right”. Wow, abusing other woman and stealing from her is right? I am not religious in any mean, I am spiritual but … this is what they teach in church nowadays? Can you please show me the exact pages in Bible where this type of behaviour is allowed? I really want to read those pages. To me, it seems more of the Satttan´s work than G0d´s work… This shizz has nothing to do with God. G0d would never approve anything what you have done to me. They completely tried to erase me from his history like I never existed even I have existed like …. “3 minutes” before his wedding and I was in his life one whole decade. Imagine to be with someone for 10 years and this person disappears from your life overnight, marries someone else out of nowhere behind your back and then he pretends he does not know you and you never existed.
3-4
But back to the fact that the abusers always take the right to feel angry from you. How you suppose to find new support system and socialize when you are so angry and high on rage for months or years until you heal? That´s the ugly face and truth of narcissistic abuse. Nobody wants to be around angry victims. Nobody wants to hear the truth because truth is dark and boring and most of the people just want to keep it cute, fun and easy. So, the victims go through a lot of invalidation, secondary abuse and minimization of their suffering. The longest phase of healing from narcissistic abuse is anger. Most of the victims will go through healing alone without any support and I´m not talking about days or weeks, but most often for years. It´s a very lonely and isolating experience.
5
It´s taking you years to heal and then years to build a new social circle and a new support system. Not to mention the trust issues you develop after such a horrifying experience which often even make it harder for you to come close to people again. Shout out to my girlfriends, especially my best friend who moved in with me to my new home and she saw me in all kinds of stages of healing process and she can confirm that not always it was a nice look at me. There were times when my depression was so bad, I could not even get out of my bed to take a damn shower. I was just rotting alive in bed. People are literary dying after psychological and emotional abuse. The rate of su1c1de for PTSD trauma is very high.
6
I am glad that the awareness on narcissistic abuse is starting to make it into the mainstream. The internet is starting to be overflowed with information on narcissism, the masses are getting educated. Good. The table is slowly turning. Nowadays, the victims are more often coming out with their “horror stories”, the society starts to be more aware of having “the wolves in sheep´s clothing” walking among us. It is a nonsense that the real victims used to be bullied with “the shaming tactics” into isolation while the abusers were running free in public living their “best lives”. It should be the way around – the real victims should be walking free in our society and protected from the predators while actually the abusers should feel ashamed hiding their abusive faces behind the closed doors. Back to the dark corner, vampires!
7
My healing took me about 6-7 years, and I am still not 100% “there”. Especially the first 2-3 years into my healing journey, I was often su1c1dal. I mean, daily. I was severely depressed. To be exact, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with a diagnosis F32.2 and in translation, my F32.2 diagnosis means I was suffering from “the hardest form of depression without psychosis”. I was also diagnosed by my psychiatrist with a diagnosis F43.1 and this diagnosis stands for PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). This level of depression already requires psychiatric care and hospitalization due to su1c1dal ideation. I did not want to live anymore. I was wondering if this pain will ever go away. I found my mind and my life in a such a dark place.
Youtube song: Selena Gomez – My Mind & Me
8-9
My anxiety was crippling me to the point it was tremendously decreasing a quality of my life. It made me a prisoner in my own life for few years. I never experienced anxiety ever before and I can say that anxiety is so far the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I was constantly crying until my body was exhausted and I was crying for couple of years. Every fffff day. I was so exhausted from crying and stressing that I ended up on infusion in hospital with another diagnosis which was “physical exhaustion”. My body completely collapsed. The abuse completely disharmonized my hormones. My periods would not come for few months. I developed an eating disorder. My weight was up and down, I could not eat, I could not sleep, I developed a horrible insomnia, my hair was falling out because of stress. Try not to sleep few nights straight and you will see that you will almost hallucinate. Then you just barely drag yourself through the day like a zombie trying not to fall asleep at work while drinking multiple coffees a day just to keep you awake and function.
10-13
My psychiatrist needed 5 minutes with me to tell me straight away that I survived the narcissists. I was lucky to have a doc who recognized narcissism in my story because a lot of docs can´t. I guess I was lucky because my doc confessed to me that she has a narcissistic mother, so I guess this was the reason why she was able to recognize the narcissism in my story. My doc recognized my mother as a narcissist, I still remember how she wrote into my documents “she has highly narcissistic mother”. I felt such a relief. Finally, someone sees me, someone understands me! When you go through a narcissistic abuse, nobody understands you. You are just stuck in a nightmare alone. My doc knew. People will constantly be telling you “go over it, you should be already over it” not understanding that this is not a regular break up, this is not a regular situation, you went through a traumatic wa///r zone called “narcissistic abuse” and you survived the psychopathic narcissist(s).
14-16
Oh, and the intrusive obsessive-compulsive thoughts you develop after the narcissistic abuse... Have you ever been high on PTSD trauma? If you did, you know what I´m talking about. My thoughts were terrorizing my life. My thoughts were overpowering my brain to the point I was barely functioning. My mind became this violent roller-coaster of thoughts and I could not stop it no matter how hard I tried. At some point, I was even questioning if I am not developing some mental illness such as bipolar disorder because of the mood swings I experienced. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Which was weird because I never had any problem with mood swings ever before. I was actually the most stable person I ever knew when it comes to mood. I am normally a chillout person. I only experienced depression few times in my life, but never roller coaster like this. My brain was so high on trauma. I was overwhelmed by ruminating thoughts.
“A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So, he loses touch with reality, and lives in a world of illusions.” – Alan Watts
17-20
I was so deep into a survival mode. My nervous system and immunity system were crushing down. The PTSD was destroying my life and my health. The abusers were gone already few years and yet, I was still here trying to survive the war zone inside of my head. I felt like my mind is being constantly trapped in some fog, it prevented me from properly focusing or thinking straight. If the PTSD became really bad, I felt even disoriented. I would walk from room to room in my home having no idea where I am going. I found myself even having a memory loss. My mind was like a horror movie that was replaying the traumatic situations over and over on repeat. My intrusive thoughts about what happened to me and what they have done to me were constantly re-triggering my overwhelming anger. I was angry to my abusers for what they have done to me, but I was also angry to my own self blaming myself for not recognizing the abuser´s deceptions earlier. I was angry to myself that I allowed these narcissistic parasites to take an advantage of my kindness and good nature and I did not protect myself. I was not projecting my anger onto others. It was more about me isolating myself behind the closed doors for couple of years every- time I felt triggered. I wanted to be alone often. But at the same time, I felt lonely in this experience.
21-22
Nobody around me understood what I was going through, and I was lacking support. If I was lucky to fall asleep, I had nightmares. I was often coming in front of the mirror just to check on me if I am still there. And I was not there and that was scary. It was the scariest time of my life. I was so deeply traumatized that when I looked into my eyes in the mirror, there was nothing. I used to be a vibrant “hippie happy go lucky” girl, I always had the “comet sparkles” in my eyes and now, my eyes were just empty. I was falling and there was literary nobody to catch me when I was falling. It was a free fall into the darkness. There was literary nobody to give me at least one damn call asking me how I am or if I need something. There is no more painful feeling than being betrayed by all the people you used to love, trust, care about, care for and treat them good. And not at least one of those people checked on me, not once through those years. Less than a zero piece of shizzz.
23-25
I even remember one specific day when I almost lost my soul. I was in my bed and suddenly I felt like my soul is leaving my body. It scared me. I even remember exactly the words in my head: “No, no, please, my soul, stay with me”. And I was going through this invisible spiritual battle with my own self to keep my soul in my own body. I did not know any more if I am going through "regular trauma" or if I am simply developing some mental illness because I felt like I am going crazy. The racing thoughts felt so speedy and chaotic in my head and no matter what I did, I could not stop them. It drove me crazy to the point I wanted to stop those thoughts by ki11ing myself. I came to the point where my mind was on the edge, and I was wondering if my mind is already “gone” and I am more on the side of “crazy” or if I am still in the category “normal”. I was wondering if my mind will ever recover from this and regress back to normal, I was wondering if I will ever feel normal again … or if this is “it”, this is how I will live for the rest of my life … most probably ending up in some mental hospital sitting on some bench in front of the “loco loco institution” calmed down by cocktail of medications staring at one tree for 6 hours for the rest of my life. Having mental health issues feels like you fight a group of ghosts, you don´t see them but they constantly hunt you. I was hunted by my past, by all the ghosts from my past …
Youtube song: Linkin Park – Somewhere I Belong
26-27
My abusive childhood literary set me up for failure in my adulthood when it comes to romantic relationships. I was always a magnet for narcissistic men. I never dated that much through my life. For my age, I should definitely have far more experiences with dating. Probably because I am an old soul, and I was so invested in my art since early age that I would literary rather be painting than chasing men. Or, maybe I just belong to that very small percentage of people who actually enjoy being single. I literary never had one dating app in my phone in my life, I have no idea how dating sites even work and honestly, I don´t even want to know.
28
I had two serious relationships in my life and both of them were with narcissists. I was programmed to be a co-dependent in my childhood by my narcissistic family. We empathetic co-dependents are the most favorite snacks for the narcissists. It´s all I ever knew from my childhood. To be “at home” around people with narcissistic abusive energy. Growing up with two narcissistic parents was a pure he11 and this is an understatement. My step father was an overt type of narcissist and he was more close to psychopathy while my mother is a covert narcissists with a lot of sprinkles of codependency, borderline personality disorder (BPD) and histrionic personality disorder. If you know something about psychology and cluster B personality disorders, you know that this particular combination in couples is explosive, and it never ends well. Especially for the children of such parents. I feel like recovering from my step father´s child abuse was way easier than recovering from my mother´s covert narcissistic abuse she inflicted on me. My father was openly abusive, and he never hid it. I never suffered from cognitive dissonance with him. I always knew where I stand with him, there was no surprise. We were at least honest to each other. I knew he does not love me, he did not give three flying ffff about me, he never pretended to be my friend, he was always my enemy, he knew I hated him with a passion so paradoxically, I recovered from his mostly physical abuse pretty much fast. Not that fast with my mother´s abuse. It took me many years (long way into my adulthood) to even realize that my mother is actually abusive and not a nice lady and a righteous 24/7 victim. My mother was a professional victim for years, so it was hard for me to understand what I was experiencing. It took me many years to understand that she is not my best friend.
29
I consider covert narcissism as the most dangerous form of cluster B disorder. This passive-aggressive subtle type of abuse flies under the radar so if you are not properly educated on narcissistic abuse, you will not even realize you are being abused even for years or decades. The covert narcissists are “the fake angels”. You never know where you stand with the covert narcissists. They are very confusing people creating very confusing situations. They are hot one minute and cold the other minute and it confuses you. What caused the sudden change in vibes? We were good 3 minutes ago, in between nothing happened so how it is that we are suddenly not good? They are absolutely all over you one minute making you feel like the most important person on the planet, they act so loving towards you, then suddenly they throw you under the bus in a such a cruel manner like they never knew you. You never completely emotionally connect with them because your subconsciousness knows it´s dangerous. You somehow know your emotions are not safe with them. They are helping you one minute telling you that they want to build an empire with you and the other minute they become your hangman and ruin your life. The covert narcissist is your savior and hangman in one person. The covert narcissist is your best friend and your enemy in one person. The covert narcissists first create a problem for you, then they come with the fanfare to solve your problem that they actually created in the first place acting like they are your hero. The narcissists can´t decide whether they are Batman or Joker. The narcissists come to save you but, in the end, you end up saving yourself from them. They can smile in your face at the same time as they are stabbing you in your back. They are nice one minute and then stab you in your back out of nowhere for no reason the other minute and it absolutely shocks you. But because they always reverse immediately back to being nice again after they stabbed you, you just constantly falling in and out of cognitive dissonance feeling utterly confused what to even think or feel about this person.
30
They are so sweet and nice to you but subconsciously, you are somehow always trying to protect yourself from them like they are a dangerous enemy. Why am I trying to protect myself from these people when they are my friends and when they are so nice to me? You feel manipulated, conned, lied to by these people but because they are so skilled in twisting the reality, they will always turn against you literary everything and it´s you who always end up being blamed for everything and being called fragile and crazy. You are always the bad guy, always the r3tarded one. But how? You are a good person, you never did any criminal activity, so how it is that you always feel like a bad guy around the covert narcissists? You are talented, skilled, a great student, you excel in sport, in art, you are a smart cookie but somehow you always feel like a dumb idi0t shrinking into nothingness around the covert narcissists. They even tell you that you are stup1d, and you start to think for yourself that maybe they are right …. And you sit there absolutely confused like … hmmm… this all is interesting... And you can´t make sense of anything you experienced, what you felt, what you thought.
31
You start to question yourself and your reality. You feel that something is not right, but you are never able to quite put the finger on it. Something is not right here … but what is it? Am I going crazy or what the he11 is even going on here? Why I end up apologizing when I did nothing wrong? Why I have got broke when I gave my all to them, but they are claiming I never did anything for them? Why I feel conned while they are claiming that they are helping me and giving me? Why am I sitting in the middle of the ruins when these people told me that they have only the best intentions for my life? Why I feel victimized, hurt, bleeding but I am the one who is comforting these people who stabbed me in my back?
32
Both of my narcissistic parents came from toxic broken homes. They both were traumatized in their childhoods. My narcissistic parents were like trauma bonded cat and mouse projecting their deep traumas onto each other. Like those two cartoon characters, they were always chasing after each other and torturing each other. Always so deep in their mind games that they were not capable to even see how their sick games are hurting their own children. They complained about how they hate drama but actually they both loved it and could not live without it. My narcissistic mother always seeks thrills in relationships. I don´t say that making the relationship exciting in a healthy matter is a bad thing, it definitely helps to keep a spark over the years. But my mother was never satisfied just with “a regular excitement”. This was beyond excitement. My mother needs constant over-stimulation and thrills on a level of a thriller movie to feel alive. If a man would not give her the constant thrill, she would dump him and find another man who would. Or, she would have two boyfriends at the same time and triangulate them. If toxicity is not being involved, she is not interested. She complains about the toxicity and drama, but she actually loves it and can´t live without it. She never had a boyfriend where drama was not involved. After failed romantic relationship number 677, I guess it´s safe to say that she is the problem or at least, she is a part of the problem. This is not a coincidence anymore. She stayed with my step father the longest because he was the most disordered, the most toxic, the most psychopathic and the most dangerous out of all men she dated. These two also broke up multiple times during their relationship so it was really like watching some type of a telenovela. And of course, they did not forget to involve us kids every single time into their “rodeo”. Once, they separated (again) and they both jumped into other romantic relationships right away (how narcy darcy). Then, they both dumped their new partners and these two idi0ts have got together again. But they made sure the whole process was as much traumatic and painful for me as possible, otherwise, it would be not that much fun, isn´t it?
33
My step father literary took me to his new girlfriend´s apartment to break up with her right in front of me. She had some kind of a mental breakdown right in front of us, she was screaming at him, then she was crying, and I could say that she was absolutely shocked. She sounded very disoriented and confused to me. As a child, I could not understand everything what was going on right in front of me, but I remember that I felt very sorry for her. On the other hand, my step father remained cool like a cucumber. Cool, calm and collected. And cold as ice. I could say that he, as a narcissist, was enjoying every second of torturing this woman. He quietly and calmly said to her that now me, him and my mother want to be a family because we love each other very much. He picked me up into his arms and was hugging me right in front of her. It was absolutely cruel and sadistic towards her. When my step father di3d in a car accident as he was driving drunk, this was the first time I really saw my mother crying. I never saw her crying this way. She said that he was love of her life. And I was so confused. This man almost ki11ed her multiple times, he broke both of her hands, once he almost pushed her out of the window (we lived on 8th floor). There were police and ambulance in and out of our household. How this monster can be love of her life?
34
The day he di3d, I personally felt relief. My step father was destroying my life. He was vi0lent and he was beating kids and women the way like he is fighting some professional male fighter in the ring, always with fists and kicks. Once, he even punched his own mother in the face with a fist right in front of me. My step grandmother´s nose started to bleed, and the bl00d covered her face. Who does that??? I felt relief that this craziness and brutality finally ended with his d3ath. I felt guilt that I did not feel like crying. At all. Little did I know that my suffering did not end that day. That I would spend years in therapy to recover from my childhood. The narcissistic BPD women play victims but deep down they love to be abused. They are not capable to be in a healthy normal relationship, it feels dull and boring to them. They don´t know what to do with peace. They have to be abused, they have to be trauma bonded, there must be drama, they need it. Once, we had to run from home in the middle of the night because my step father was drunk and vi0lent. We decided to go to my step grandmother´s home to seek help. When we arrived, we kids went to bed right away and my mother decided to go back to “the crime scene”. As a child, I always had to overly worry about my mother because she was always acting in such an unpredictable irrational immature way purposely putting herself in dangerous nerve wrecking situations and I always felt like I have to save her. Save her not only from her tormentors but mostly from her own self. Like that night. What woman in the right healthy mind would decide to drive a car in the middle of the night alone to go back home to her own abuser to be there alone with him while he is drunk and violent? She said she needs to discuss with him. Discuss what? At 3 AM while he is drunk and, in a mood, to demolish everything around him and to murd3r someone??? She caused me so much stress with wanting to go back home to meet my step father but no matter what I said or did, I could not talk my mother out of this nut case idea. And guess what? In less than one hour, she was right back at step grandmother´s home bruised and beaten. He beaten the shizzz out of her. The NPD BPD women love to be abused. Period. Only once my mother dated a nice empathetic good guy. She broke up with him just to run to some broken and broke looser who was treating her badly, playing mind games with her and often ignoring her. Like wtf … who in the right mind abandon a diamond for a ffff…. stone? With the good guy, she had everything - peace at home, nice vacations, family life, happy kids and guess what? She threw all of that to the garbage bin. This is a diagnosis! Women with BPD NPD have the tendency to self-sabotage and self-trash out of lack of self-love and due to their deep traumas. They have sadomasochistic tendencies, they love when pain is inflicted onto them and they love to inflict pain onto others. Unless the guys do not trash these NPD BPD women, they don´t consider these men cool. Disordered women always chase the hardest after the most disordered men. And they perfectly bond through their trauma like Bonnie and Clyde. People who do not love themselves and they hate themselves, they will always self-sabotage and self-trash. You will always keep choosing people for your life who will be reflecting back to you your wrong belief systems. If you feel deep down that you are a trash, your brain will always feel relief only when this belief system will be reflected back to you and confirmed because your brain wants to be always right. When you love yourself and you are trauma free, you would never be able to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Only when you lack of self-love and you have a low self-esteem you would be able to put up with the narcissist´s BS. Only when you have a trauma stuck inside of your system you will be able to trauma bond with another tortured soul who also suffers from some trauma. Trauma bond is not possible to create unless both involved people carry the trauma within themselves. It´s not love that brings those two people together, it´s actually trauma. That´s why it´s called “trauma bond”. It has nothing to do with real love. Real love does not hurt. I always had a complicated “love/hate” relationship with my mother. Part of me still loves her but she is so toxic, so I had to go no contact and just love her from far away. Because I can´t take this shizzz anymore. The unstable lifestyle she lives, the covert narcissistic abuse cycles she is always taking me through. The trauma that was inflicted on me in my childhood is affecting me to this day in my adulthood. And part of me feels just bad for her. Because I see this little hurt girl in her who was always alone on her own in this world and survived a lot of traumas in her life. She survived her malignant narcissistic mother and her narcissistic sister in her childhood. I had a problem to stay at my bad grandmother´s home for 2 weeks for summer holiday because this woman was a next level of black magic wickedness so I can´t even imagine what my mother was going through to survive years of sharing the same household with this d3mon until she could finally get the ffff out of there. Therefore, I feel sad that my mother who knows very well how it feels to have a narcissistic mother and to be a scapegoat of the family, that she decided to become also a wicked narcissistic mother who turned her daughter into the scapegoat of the family too. It´s really beyond sad.
35
When I mentioned my biological 3vil grandmother, I must say that this woman was the d3vil reincarnated on this planet. She was constantly triangulating people in our family creating chaos and hate within the family, then people would either argue with each other or compete with each other. I was my black magic grandmother´s scapegoat. We hated each other with a passion. I guess she hated me because I was the only person in our family who was not chasing after her to win her approval or attention. My mother would “break her legs” to win her mother´s love while I was not giving three flying fff about my narcy darcy grandmother and it was driving her nuts. She could not buy me, she could not punish me and it was making her crazy. So, she was punishing me often. She would buy sweets for all of my cousins and my brother and give them the sweets in front of me and give non to me. I did not even feel hurt. Honestly, I hat3d my black magic grandmother, and I genuinely did not give a fff about her. I told my mother many times to stop tripping when she was sad because our grandmother was scapegoating her, abusing her, ignoring her and playing all those stuuuupid mind games. I told my mother to ignore her and cut her off forever.
36
I saw through my black magic grandmother´s manipulations already as a child. She could not fu_ck with me and that´s why she hated me. My grandmother would steal my shoes or toys and then gifted them to my cousins so once I came to visit my cousins, I would find my stuff in their room. When I came to my black magic grandmother for holidays, it was a living he11. My other biological grandmother was her opposite, she was the sweetest the most kind-hearted person on this planet, she was the only person who truly loved me in this crazy family. She would buy me nice presents often. She would gift me beautiful toys and when I came for the holidays to the black magic grandmother, the black magic grandmother would get envious about my good relationship with my good grandma so she would literary took my new toys away from me, hide them from me and later gift them to my cousins or she would just took those toys away from me and place them on the top of the wardrobe refusing to give them back to me. The whole holidays at her home I was bored staring at my toys that were sitting on the top of the wardrobe because there was nothing to play with. My black magic grandmother never bought me anything. She ignored my Bdays. Only once I remember she gifted me some old ugly used backpack for my Bday. The backpack was black color and too big. Definitely not a gift you want to give to a girl and to a child. The backpack looked like she digged it out of the garbage bin. Once I was with my black magic grandmother in a grocery store and I caught her stealing like a kleptomaniac. She looked around to make sure nobody sees her and then she put oranges into her bag. Mind you, she was not poor so her stealing stuff was most likely about the thrill or … I don´t know what was the reason but she was stealing often. I felt so ashamed in that grocery store of my black magic grandmother, and I did not know what to do and how to react because I was just a child that time. I noticed that a lot of narcissists are kleptomaniacs and they steal often. They are prone to criminal behaviour.
37
I guess that my mother experienced a lot of neglect, abandonment, rejection in her childhood and that´s why she developed histrionic personality disorder, and her trauma forces her to endlessly seek the attention from everybody, especially men. “Histronics” are individuals who overly seek constant attention from others, and they act in an overly s3xualized manner. They will do ANYTHING to be a center of attention. They bring this attention to them especially with their bodies that they use as a weapon to lure people into “the cluster B fan house”. For my mother, everything is about men. When I was a kid, I remember every-time some man popped up around her, she just completely forgot that I exist. Flirting and attention from men was always her priority. When I was a child, when some man would popped up near her, she immediately sent me away to my room or to go play. She did not care if those men are taken or single. I remember, as a child, I felt often disgusted by my mother. What I had to tolerate and witness due to her over s3xualized nature in my childhood was turning my stomach sick. Her romantic and s3xual life was enough itself to traumatize me. Sometimes, I feel she was even purposely putting me into these uncomfortable situations where my mother´s over s3xualized nature was forced on me. Situations like taking me for a vacation with her boyfriend and then having a s3x with him in the same room where I was sleeping with them. My question is also why I had to sleep with a stranger in the same room?
38
Boundaries are completely alien concept for the cluster B individuals. The boundaries are literary non-existent in all narcissistic households. The narcissists are crossing your boundaries and they let also everybody to cross theirs. In narcissistic households, everybody crosses everybody´s boundaries. My narcissistic mother is competing with me since my early teenage years. She would keep throwing in my face her relationships and even her s3x life and somehow, in her disordered mind, she expected me to become jealous and envious of her, but really, it only made me sick from my stomach to watch her self-trashing and abusing me with her inappropriate toxic behavior. She would sabotage my relationships with men. When I was a teenager, I had a boyfriend, it was just “a puppy love” that lasted only few months, and this was the first and also the last time when I invited a boyfriend to our household (at least “legally”). We have been just chillin´for no more than 15 minutes. He was sitting on the bed, I was sitting on the chair literary on the other side of the room and my mother furiously entered the room without knocking and literary threw us out of our home. I felt very hurt and embarrassed because she was acting like we were criminals. I was not allowed to bring any visitors to our home, I can count someone visiting me in my childhood and teenage years at home on one or two hands. So, it´s not that I had the friends coming over to our home every other day to disrupt her privacy or comfort. She was jealous. I am her scapegoat, and my brother is her golden child. She never had any issue when my brother´s friends came over to visit him any time he wanted. She even did not have any issue when my brother´s partner was sleeping at our home every other day. She always treated us in a very different way. When my brother wanted something, he always got it from her for free. She gifted him computer, phone, anything he wanted. When I wanted the same things, I had to hustle during the weekends, sometimes even during the weeks and I was working all summer holidays to buy it with my own money. I was a hustler since 15 years old making my own money. My first job I ever got at age 15 was working in McDonald´s. Most of the time, I had even multiple jobs at the same time. My mother would not give me 2 euro for a lemonade when I wanted to go out with friends. Not once. When I wanted nice clothes, I had to hustle. My mother was leaving money for my brother on the table on a daily basis so he can buy food and snacks while she never did the same for me, not once in life. She bullied me out of home in a very early age and since then I was on my own and she never even picked up the phone to ask if I am OK or if I need something or if I need money. But my brother was allowed to live with her for free till adulthood and she supported his study while she sabotaged mine. She would call me just to tell me that she took herself and my brother for a massage, but she never asked me to go with them. I was always for her just “a back up plan” if any other plans with other people failed. Otherwise, if she had enough people to hang out with, I would not hear from her even for weeks.
39
Once, we agreed to go out for a coffee. We agreed on the exact day and time. So, on that day, I´ve got ready, I dressed up and I was sitting on my bed waiting for her to pick me up as we agreed. She was late so I tried to call her. She did not pick my phone call. I tried few more times. She still did not pick my phone calls. Later she told me that she just changed her mind, and she got different plan with someone else. I was like … wow, what about to call me and inform me about it? The best would be in advance so I can adjust my plans too. What about to cancel the plans with me so I don´t need to sit like an idi0t in coat two hours waiting for you? My mother was treating me more less in a loving matter only when I was a very little girl but once I started hitting the early puberty, she changed a lot towards me and turned my life into a he11. I guess she started to see me as a threat and a competition. I was young, beautiful, talented, my b00bs started to grow. She was often jealous and envious towards me. Years ago, I had no idea that something like narcissism does exist, so I felt confused often by my mother´s behavior. Like when she bought me an ugly sweater for Christmas. My mother has a pretty good taste in fashion so I could not understand why she would buy me such an ugly sweater. I could not understand how a woman who is capable to choose a nice fashionable dress for herself would buy such an ugly sweater for her teenage daughter. I looked like a 90-year-old auntie Gertrude in that sweater. I guess that my mother never wanted me to feel good about myself and to feel pretty. Even as a child, she would always cut my hair short. Both of my parents were blaming each other for toxicity but in my eyes, they were both equally toxic. They have been just “different type of toxicity”. They were two narcissists in a relationship, both very controlling in nature, they were controlling each other and neither of them wanted to lose the control over the other person. Because my mother is a covert narcissist, as all covert narcissists, her specialty is provocation. She would provoke and provoke and provoke until you just blew up and then she would be crying and playing the victim saying that everybody is hurting her for no reason. Unaware narcissists, especially the mid-range type of the narcissists, they think they are good people, and they have zero capacity to self-reflect. They are disordered but they don´t know about it. Once she told me that she does not understand why people are always abandoning her. Guess why. Because it´s unbearable to be in any closer relationship with any cluster B individuals without losing the shizzz and nerves. The narcissists have zero ability to self-reflect, everything is always someone else´s fault. Blame-shifting is their specialty among the provocations. The covert narcissists are those type of people who would make even Buddha to blow up. The narcissists are extreme personalities who force extreme situations onto you and force you to react in extreme ways. No matter how chill-out person you are, if you stay in the presence of covert narcissists for months or years, it will have very damaging effect on your mental health, you will become psychotic and neurotic. When I was a child, I even believed my mother for years that she is a righteous victim, she was often crying and blaming my step father to be an abusive monster. And I don´t want to minimize her suffering because she was definitely a victim of domestic vi0lence but somehow, she always forgot to mention the part where she was provoking my aggressive step father until he would just blew up and beaten the crap out of her. She was never able to acknowledge her own toxicity and contribution on this maddening marriage. She was never able to acknowledge in general how highly toxic she is.
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I can´t even tell how many times I took my mother aside and told her to stop provoking my stepfather. I even asked her to come with me to my room to stay with me there when I saw that my stepfather came home in a bad mood. She did not listen. In fact, she did the opposite. She would chase after him at home, nonstop breathing on his neck, sitting right next to him talking to him and provoking him even when he asked her to leave him alone, she would just go on and on and on, until my stepfather would lose his nerves and beaten the crap out of her. She just loves to play with fire, and she does not know when to stop. She would be able to avoid around 50% of his beatings just to shut her mouth and get out of his way when he was in an aggressive mood. Many times, he came home in a bad mood, and he wanted to be left alone in a living room watching the TV or he came home drunk and he wanted to go directly to bed to sleep but my mother prevented him from doing so. Instead of that she showered him with questions and homily for hours, she literary provoked him like a hornet. And don´t get me wrong, discussions and conversations are very important in marriage but just not with a person who is so drunk that he barely stands on his feet, barely talk and is half unconscious or with an aggressor who obviously does not care because he is a psych0path. There is not much to discuss with this type of people. Just leave, divorce, run, hide but never discuss. Or you will be punched. My stepfather was way less aggressive towards me because I was different than my mother. When I was beaten by him, in most of the cases and most of the times, I was beaten because I was protecting my mother from his beating by jumping between them. If my mother did not provoke my stepfather, I would be beaten way less. I had to pay for my mother´s stupidity and disorder. My stepfather was a monster so I will not excuse him in any shape or form but I must say that part of me understood him because my mother provoked me too my whole life with her passive-aggressive snake moves and made me either to take a deep breath, dress up and run away from home or just lash out at her. The narcissists need their narcissistic supply, they need your emotional reaction. And my mother would provoke my stepfather or me until she will get that reaction. I lived and worked with few narcissists, and I noticed that all narcissists “micro frustrate” people around them on purpose. Once I lived with one girl and I explained her how to recycle the waste. And she was still not doing it right. She would put plastic into the paper or paper into the plastic. I mean, you don´t need to be Einstein, you don´t even need someone to explain you such a primitive concept of recycling, right? Even idi0t without any education knows that paper belongs to paper and plastic belongs to plastic. I was patient so I corrected her multiple times. And she was still putting paper in plastic and plastic in paper. They do it on purpose to “micro frustrate” you. Once I asked a girl to stop banging the door so aggressively. She was banging the door so loudly that it was giving us the heart attack at home. And guess what. She did not stop. She even increased banging the doors. Now, when she knew it frustrated us at home, she started to be banging the doors even louder and more often. And of course, when you tried to talk about it with her, she would call you hypersensitive and crazy. The narcissists are frustrated when you are trying to apply peace and you are frustrated when the narcissists are trying to apply chaos into your life. My narcissistic mother did anything to get the emotional reaction out of me. She would not respect when I asked her for space. I wanted to go to my room to calm down and be there alone but my mother does not understand boundaries so she would follow me into my room and sit next to me on my bed and go on and on and on talking to me and sucking the life out of me for hours.
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My mother does not understand only the boundaries, but also, she never respected my privacy. She was constantly reading my diaries, she was going through my stuff, when I went for holidays out of home, she would clean my room, meaning, she would throw half of my stuff out to the garbage bin against my will and without my permission, even I told her many times not to clean my room ever again, she would not respect my wish. When I would be taking a shower, she would enter the bathroom without knocking on the door. I´m like halloo, I´m a sensitive teenager and I am naked, can I have some privacy??? The narcissistic parents don´t do boundaries and they don´t do privacy. She can be very overwhelming person at times. My mother provoked my stepfather and then she always cried about how he beaten her. And the biggest victim there was me because I was protecting my toxic mother from my toxic stepfather and I´ve got beaten because they were both toxic. My narcissistic mother always used me for her toxic agenda. She would use me as a physical shield to receive the beatings for her, she would use me as a tool for revenge against my biological father and because my biological father is a narcissist too, he would then use me to get back at my mother by abusing me, they all were constantly throwing me to the wolves. I was protecting everybody, but nobody was protecting me. And I could not even protect my toxic mother because she is way too disordered. One day, my stepfather would beaten the crap out of her and of course, I was protecting her. She would then cry on my shoulder how abusive he is. Then, the very next day, I entered the living room, and they were giving each other a massage being half naked and all lovey dovey towards each other and guess who the bad person was to open my mouth and point out the toxicity in our household. Me. My stepfather stood up from the floor, came to me, punched me in my face for my “audacity” to speak up and he said: “You should feel happy that me and your mother worked our problems out”. Bro, you did not work a shizzz out because tomorrow, you will beat her again, and the very next day, you will be buying her jewellery. It was a never-ending abusive toxic cycle. Over and over again. This dynamic at home was f_ucking with my head. And I was angry at my mother. I am standing there in living room covered with bruises from yesterday´s beating watching my mother having a massage session with someone who did me those bruises.
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Honestly, if I will ever see some couple arguing in the middle of the street, I am not sure if I would be so quick to jump between them to help the woman. Why? Because you have no idea who is the toxic one in that couple. Sometimes, even men get abused. It´s not only women who get abused. Or, maybe both of them are toxic as ffff and you will find yourself in the middle of two cluster Bs abusing each other. And if you jump between them, you will get the unnecessary beating and then, they will kiss each other acting all lovey dovey and you will be accused of being the bad person. Total surreal mindf_uckery. So, before you want to play a superhero, take your time to watch the scene from a distance to make sure you know who the real abuser in that scenario is. And if you find out that both of them are f_ucked up, I suggest you to just walk away. Don´t let people use your body as the shield.
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I get so used to be blamed for everything in our family. I am the black sheep and the scapegoat of our family. All narcissists operate in two modes – first mode is “I have you under the control” and the second mode is “you threaten my control, so I have to put you back under my control”. Narcissism is all about pathological need to have everything and everybody under the control. The moment you threaten their control, you are their enemy, and if they don´t manage to put you back under their control, you will be punished, bullied and eliminated. As all narcissists, my mother is also very domineering and controlling. She hides behind the fake kind smile and behind “I am concerned about you and your well-being” but what it really is is pure dictatorship. My mother is nice to you only when everything is going her way. If something is not going her way, she is not nice. The narcissist´s motto is: “My way or the highway”. She loved to micromanage my thoughts, my mind, my soul, my energy, everything in my life. And when I threaten her control by having this “audacity” to be my own person wanting my own life and living my own way, she punished me for it. Suddenly, she would withhold her attention and resources, she would isolate me from family by smear campaigns (right back to my cute exile island like a cast away), she would give me the silent treatment. You either do exactly what the narcissists want from you, or you will be punished. The narcissists have a cult like mentality. You are either for them or against them, there is no middle ground with them. They are your boss, and you are their stupid slaver. Their narcissism can´t see you as their equal or to see you to be more than them, G0d forbid! “The corrective abuse” is right behind the corner to cut you down from “the hierarchy ladder” at least 7 steps. My mother also hated when I had my own opinion, especially when my opinion is not a carbon copy of her opinion or even when I had the “audacity” to speak my truth not wanting to submit to the abuse of my family. She loved to push her opinions down my throat even against my will. It´s almost like she did not hear my opinion. When I spoke my opinion, she just zoomed like she was not even present and she was just impatiently waiting for me to shut the fff up and the moment I finished the last sentence, she just continued to push her opinion on me again. Does not matter that I just told her 1 minute ago that I don´t want this or that, she did not take “no” as an answer. Or, she just jumped into the middle of my sentence like my opinion did not matter at all. Hallooooo, I´m talking … Lol… I can´t even count how many times my mother went on phone or invited my step grandmother just to complain about me for 2 hours how bad child I am. She dragged me once to a psycho doc just to play a victim telling the doc how bad child I am. Baddy baddy Lily. Bad guuurl Lin. Somehow, she always forgot to tell those people the part where I was severely abused left and right and on a daily basis behind the closed doors. She presented the whole situation like we are this perfect cute and holy family, and I was just born this way, this bad child born with horns and she poor mother and the greatest victim does not know what to do with me. As all narcissists, she too, had to protect the fake and manufactured perfection of image of herself and our family. I am a hippie soul, so I was always irritating to my mother because I don´t submit and the more she tried to control me, suffocate me, lie about me, the more she was forming a rebel inside of me. I was a nice kid, very naturally nurturing and empathetic but at the same time, I was always a bit of a rebel, artistic individualist and independent and my mother hated it about me. It´s hard to control people like me. The narcissists love only obedient doormat robots who lost their will to live, and who just blindly follow every bull_shit the narcissists throw at them. If you don´t submit, they will bully you into the submission. My mother never had any empathy for me. It´s funny how the narcissists have zero empathy towards others, but they are super hypersensitive towards themselves and they DEMAND empathy for themselves from others. The narcissists see you as abusive when you stand up against their abuse. In their eyes, you have no rights to not being abused, you should take their abuse, stay quiet about it, take the shizzz, just pretend that nothing ever happened and just carry on. The narcissists are a haunted house.
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As my narcissistic mother has a lot of sprinkles of BPD on her, she definitely suffers from abandonment issues. So, having a partner like my stepfather who was a narcissistic psychopath and was so insensitive, emotionally unavailable and absolutely lacked any empathy was definitely an invitation for my BPD mother to try even harder to constantly chase him, provoke him and try to dig at least some attention from him. She would call a s3x line right in front of him pretending she is applying for a job as a s3x call worker just to provoke him. It worked. He beaten the crap out of her. Mind you, my mum, if I remove her personality disorder from her, she is really an impressive woman. She is well educated, she is one of the most intelligent women I ever met in person, she is like an encyclopedia, you ask her a question and she will answer you. She is an amazing company for an intellectual chit chat, she can talk about business, law, politics, moneyzzz, traveling, all kind of stuff (except emotions because she is a robot). She is definitely in a category “hustler”, she always turns every project she works on into a gold. So, she really did not need to “apply” for s3x call worker job. Her soul just can´t be still and in peace for 5 fffff minutes. The narcissists just can´t live without the narcissistic supply. They just can´t. She does need constant attention and if you don´t give it to her, she will provoke you and abuse you into giving that attention to her. If she can´t force you to give her the attention by drama, she will force you to give her that attention through punishing you with silent treatment long enough until you lose your shizzz and crawl back to her giving her the attention out of misery of a scapegoat, out of a painful loneliness and forced isolation that will get to you. The disorder she suffers from is destroying her life, lives of her kids and everyone around her. My covert narcissistic mother was always provoking my narcissistic stepfather and of course, he always re-payed her. He had an affair with his secretary. Once my mother figured it out, she packed my and my brother´s clothes into a big suitcase and she drove us to this secretary´s home, knocked on her door and once the secretary opened the door, my mother said to her: “Since you sleep with my husband, I guess it would be also fair if you take care of his children” and she handed her our suitcase. I remember that I was standing there absolutely traumatized. If you don´t know how abandonment issues and trust issues are being formed in kids, this is how. My years younger brother was standing there and crying because he thought that our mother is going to abandon us. Per usual, he literary glued to my legs. I guess I was always the only “island of stability” for him. Every-time shizzz went surreal in our family, I always saw him looking around trying to find me and I saw a sense of relief in his eyes when our eyes met. If he has got scared when our toxic parents were dancing “the abuse tango” at home, he would just start to cry calling my name from his bed until I came and picked him up into my arms. He was never calling my mother. He could not say L when he was a toddler, so he was calling me always “inda” instead of Linda. He would just keep calling “inda, inda, inda” until I came to calm him down. The covert narcissists are very dramatic erratic people and only the covert narcissists know how to make every dramatic situation even more dramatic. They are “the drama queens” and “the drama kings” and they make sure they involve everybody they can into their “theater”. The covert narcissists would excel as actors in theater. Maybe that´s why majority of celebrities who are actors are narcissists. You have to have a certain level of drama in you to be able to perform. One day, my mother asked me if I want to go roller skate with her. It was a nice summer day, perfect for roller skating so of course, I´m in! At least, I must say that my mother to this day (she is over 50) is a very active type of a woman, she is hitting gym, she is doing all kind of sports and when I was a little child, we had here and there amazing fun doing activities together. Not often but sometimes we did. The thing is that the narcissists are not bad and abusive 24/7. On their good day, you can experience a good day with your own abuser. That´s the danger of narcissistic abuse - you are falling in and out of cognitive dissonance because one day you experience a good day with the narcissists and the next day you experience their abuse. On repeat. Good day, bad day, good day, bad day. Up, down, up, down, up, down. This will turn your brain into a mash potato. My mother is a typical Sagittarius with Ascendant also in Sagittarius, she loves traveling and fun. I am a Taurus on cusp with Aries with Ascendant in Aries, so we have both fire sign in us, we always understood each other with the need to have a little bit of fun, to be playful, our love for independence, chasing adventures and going places. She thought me how to ski as little as 3 years old. I was the d3vil of the snowy mountains. I remember that people were turning their heads watching me with open mouths not believing that such a little kiddo was sliding down the hills quicker than a rocket. It took me years of healing to stop utterly hating my own mother and to have at least some compassion towards her to understand that the 3vil side of my mother is not her real self, it´s her serious personality disorder speaking and doing those horrible things. The narcissists are basically mentally ill people. It was a nice summer day so, I was happy to spend some time with my mum roller skating. I was also surprised that my stepfather agreed to baby sit his son because usually, he was very inattentive when it comes to parenting. He always preferred to run away from home and go having fun with his friends getting drunk leaving my mother home alone. But he warned my mother to be at home at a certain time because he had to leave for some important meeting. We were roller skating with my mum, and I looked on my watches. It was time to go home. I said to my mum: “Let´s go, it´s time to go home”. She only giggled and brushed it off. And we continued to roller skating. I knew we are in a trouble. And I was right. We came home good one or two hours late and my stepfather exploded and beaten the crap out of my mother. My cluster B mother always knew how to push the buttons of my cluster B stepfather. The covert narcissists can´t resist to be the professional provocateurs. They are purposely pressing your buttons and then playing the victim when you blow up pretending they have no idea what you are talking about when you call them out on their BS. Once I caught my stepfather going through my mother´s stuff in her handbag while my mother was showering. Another time, I caught my mother sitting in the room on the floor faking the bruised on her hand with the eye shadows. I can only guess why. She probably wanted to accuse him of something he obviously did not do. They were constantly toxic to each other and dragging me into their conflicts. They deserved each other. Both were toxic as fffff.
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When it comes to my stepfather and spending time with him doing activities, that was a whole next level of traumatic torture. My stepfather was teaching me how to swim by literary throwing me in the middle of the swimming pool and then pushing me away from swimming pool coping with a broom stick. No matter how hard I tried, I can´t reach the shore. I almost drawn. All people around the swimming pool were staring at my father in shock and one older man even came to my father and told him that if he does not stop torturing me, he will call the police. My stepfather teaching me how to ride a bike was not any less torturing. My stepfather literary dragged me on the top of a hill and then pushed me down the hill on a bike. I was rolling down the hill so fast that I lost control of my bike and I fell right into the bed of roses. I had bleeding scratches all over my body from the thorns of the roses. My stepfather had an emotional intelligence of a chair. He was treating me in a very insensitive brutal way. Once he told me to get in the car, he just needed to pick up something from his friend and he wanted me to make him a company. This friend owned a bar. My stepfather parked the car in the parking lot in front of this bar and he told me to stay in the car and that he will be back in 5 minutes. I guess his addiction to alcoho0l won over him and he let me sat in that car waiting for him for one or two hours. Or maybe even longer. I did not take anything to entertain myself. It was a hot summer, and I did not have any water with me. I felt dehydrated. Once he came back into the car, I noticed that he was drunk. It did not stop him from driving the car back home. And boy, it was a ride of my life. I guess the most tragic combination is when you have a cluster B parent who is also addicted to some substances, this combination is beyond tragic and damaging. For everybody. I often felt like an accessory, object and decoration to my stepfather. The psychopaths always marry only for the image. Him pursuing a career as a businessman and a politician, the image of a good family guy was important for him. In front of the people, he was playing the role of a father of the year but behind the closed doors, he was a monster, and he could care less about some family. I never felt loved by my stepfather, I only felt like an object to be used to maintain his image. Once he took me for a lunch with another politicians. We were sitting in an expensive restaurant, and I was not allowed to take any book or toy with me. I was forced to sit on my ass quietly staring at nothing and not even think about making some noise for good two hours or maybe even longer. I was not even allowed to get up and walk away from the table to find something to entertain myself with. I come from post-s0cialitic country, I am the first generation of freedom and dem0cracy so until the old regime fell, my country was pretty much isolated from the rest of the world because the borders were more less closed. Nobody could get in and nobody could get out. Traveling abroad was simply not a thing those times. Right after the old regime fell, my stepfather took us on expensive vacations to places where most of the people from my country could not even dream of visiting and I am sure many of those people were envious of our vacations. But they did not see what I had to endure on those vacations. It was a torture, and I could not wait to go back home. I had nice clothes, private english teacher, private school. But I was miserable, and I felt trapped in a nightmare. I felt trapped in a house of glass screaming and nobody could hear my scream. I was sitting in the back of our expensive car while my stepfather and his bodyguard was driving me to school in the morning and I was completely ignored by everybody in the car like I did not even exist. I tried to start a communication, so I said something, they completely ignored me like I was an air. I felt very lonely in my childhood and in my teenage years. My stepfather´s psychopathy was making him to be an adrenaline junky and he was prone to risky behavior. You know those crazy drivers on the road? That was my stepfather. Being with him in the car was extremely stressful and people on the road were honking on us often. Once we traveled for some family trip in our car and my stepfather was fuck_ing with a truck driver on the road. But he was not very lucky because we got stuck in the traffic and the truck driver literary have got out of his track and came to beat the fu_ck out of my stepfather. Luckily, we have been traveling with our family friends and they have got out of their cars and came for help to calm the truck driver down. Everywhere my stepfather entered, the drama and problems were guaranteed. The problem with psychopaths is that they are not very good at recognizing the level of danger of certain situations. Their addiction to thrills always wins over any logic. My stepfather was drown to dangerous situations to satisfy his addiction to thrills. One winter he had this “amazing” idea that we must go for hiking in mountains. Sounds like fun, isn´t it? No, if your stepfather is a psychopath. I was just a very little child, my brother was not even born yet, and he took me and my mother to climb some mountain. Mind you, it was freezing winter. The winter season was very generous because it was heavily snowing. This was not the right time for hiking in the mountains. This type of trip was not family friendly. This type of trip would be appropriate for a professional adult ski mountaineer who wears some special clothes and climb the mountain with a help of some professional tools. It took us ages to climb up the mountain because everything under our feet was frozen. We were literary dancing on the ice. I was scared the whole time. I felt like I was fighting for my dear life rather than I was enjoying some lovely family trip. I can´t remember if we somehow managed to slide down on the ice or if some mountain rescue came to help us to safely come down from that mountain but to this day, I can´t understand how my mother even agreed to such a dangerous crazy idea. My mother was trauma bonded to my stepfather and she always agreed and supported everything he was doing. And he was doing a lot of crazy shizzz. She became his enabler. She was complaining how bad, crazy and toxic my stepfather was but in the same time, she always chose him over anything in this world. Even over her children and safety. She would just do anything to win his approval or attention. Even ignoring logic and following with very irrational actions. Sometimes, my father would beat me for no apparent reason, just to take his frustration on me, and she would just do nothing about it. She would just sit on the couch with smirk on her face watching my stepfather beating me or harshly punishing me in a sadistic manner. Sometimes I feel that she secretly enjoyed when my stepfather was torturing me. When my stepfather was beating her, I always stood up for her. I always jumped right into the middle of their fight and I took a lot of beating for her just to protect her. In fact, most of his beating of me was me trying to protect my mother from his beating. But she never did the same for me, she never protected me from him. My stepfather´s punishments were always inappropriately harsh and blown out of proportion. I was always overly watching myself how I behave around my stepfather because literary anything made my stepfather to explode. Everybody had to walk on eggshells around him. One day, we were in the kitchen having lunch and I accidentally spilled the glass of water, and I knew what will follow. My stepfather has got so angry that he punched me so hard in my face that I almost flew through half of the kitchen. My family was toxic as fff but my parents made sure we played the perfect family in front of the audience. But my parents slipped few times even in public, mostly because my stepfather´s addiction to alcohol and his inability to control himself around the alcohol. Once we went for a trip with our family friends. It supposed to be a nice trip in nature enjoying a stay in a very nice hotel. One lunch, my stepfather´s addiction kicked in and he has got drunk and aggressive. He started to chase my mother because he wanted to beat her right in front of everybody in that hotel, including our family friends. It was so embarrassing and humiliating. He was chasing her through the hotel and then around the lake. Me and our family friends were running right behind them. Luckily, he was enough drunk, so he gave up and my mother escaped. Our family friends took care of calming my drunk stepfather down while I took care of my mother. We were both over-stressed and we spent couple of hours just walking around the lake and around train station waiting until my stepfather fell asleep. Then we were able to return back to the hotel. I remember I have got diarrhea out of the stress. When I was a child, I had often a stomach pain out of extreme stress my toxic narcissistic parents put me through. All cluster B people from my past were always parentifying me. I was a parent to my mother, I was a parent to my stepfather, I was a parent to my younger brother. I was even a parent to my second narcissistic BPD ex. My “narc” ex was blaming me for everything in his life. Everything was my fault. No matter how his blaming sounded bizarre. He blamed me for a fact that he does not speak foreign languages. He said to me that I am responsible for him not speaking English. Mind you, he was unemployed most of the time of our relationship while I was working in corporate job, paying bills and taking care of the household. I did not have a time neither energy to rotate around his adult toxic ass teaching him English. We both came originally from ghetto, we both had the same opportunities in our school, we both had English classes there so… He was blaming me for being an alc0holic. Even he was an alc0hlic years before he met me. He used to emotionally guilt trip me during our break ups to return back to him saying that it´s my fault that he drinks because I am not around him to stop him. We broke up many times through our relationship and I always returned back to him not out of love but because he was constantly guilt tripping me. I felt like I am not leaving an adult man but a little child. It´s hard to leave a child. I often felt more like a mummy and babysitter than a girlfriend. Of course, he promised me to change million times but this obviously never happened. You know you deal with a manipulator when you experience guilt tripping often. Guilt tripping is a great sign that you deal with a manipulator. Unfortunatelly, we empaths (especially the codependent ones) feel obligations to take care of our own abusers out of guilt, not love. I felt like I had to constantly assist my parents because they have been very emotionally immature, irrational and all over the place. I don´t even have a typical relationship with my brother because my brother feels to me more like a son than a brother. When he was at school and he did something rascal, he never came to my mother with his problems, he came to me to confess, and he always ended with “…but don´t tell mum…”. When my brother refused to listen to my mother, my mother would call me and asked me to come to their household and make him to tidy his room or to behave. When my brother was a baby, I was changing his diapers, I was feeding him with a milk from the bottle, I was playing with him, I was picking him up from kindergarten and later on from school, I was helping him with the homework and teaching him English. When my brother was born, I was only 12. I was a child taking care of another child. And I felt often used. Once I rebelled against my stepfather. I wanted to go out to play with kids, and not to be used as a nonstop free babysitter. I came into the foyer and started to put my shoes on. My rebellion made my stepfather so angry that he ran to the foyer and grabbed me by my hair and he was literary dragging me by those hair through the entire floor till living room where he finally dropped me down on the floor right in front of my little brother just to “show” me where is my place and what is my job. My cluster B stepfather destroyed every festive event and mood in our home. He was a professional at destroying Christmas. He usually came home drunk and spent the Christmas time on couch with hangover. I absolutely hated “the alcoh0lic smell” that was in the air all over the household. That´s why I don´t drink alc0hol. I can´t stand the smell of alc0hol. Once he came home drunk on Christmas and he has got sick, so he ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. Unfortunately, he did not make it, so he basically vomited all over the toilet and on the floor. Guess who was cleaning that shizzz after him? Me. Thank you, daddy for wonderful Christmas. Meanwhile, my mother was cooking a traditional Christmas soup in kitchen, and I remember she was crying the whole time. Her tears were falling into that soup. Christmas carols, anyone? Since I went no contact with my family, I spend Christmas time alone. The first Christmas were hard on me. Basically, I cried, then I have got depressed and I went sleep early so I don´t need to think about anything. I did not even decorate my home. I always meet my girlfriends before Christmas but then they all travel to see their families and I don´t want to bother them. I am a Christmas person, so it was exceptionally hard on me. I am that “annoying crazy person” who listen to Christmas songs since October and if it is up to me, I would decorate everything with Christmas decorations already in July. I don´t really celebrate any other occasions that much but for some reason, Christmas is my favorite day of the year (I also love Halloween, but this occasion is still making a way into my country the past few years, this event is still very new to us so not many people is celebrating it because we don´t know yet what exactly to do on Halloween). I love Christmas because this day is magical, like a Wonderland. I had to work hard in therapy to heal my “Christmas wound”. I took my power back by not letting anybody to destroy my favorite day of the year. So, now, I am very good at making my Christmas beautiful for me. And at least, I don´t need to play fake shizzz shows anymore and I have a peace. I go shopping and always buy myself nice Christmas gifts. I watch my favorite Christmas movies and Christmas cartoons and I love it! Before Christmas, my girlfriends come to sleep over to my home and we bake together and that’s fun! I also worked on healing my “Bday wound” because the narcissists are professionals at fffff…ing up your Bday. They never fail. They either ignore your Bday or they destroy the whole atmosphere with some scene or making you feel bad about yourself. When I have a Bday, I don´t wait for anybody anymore. I take myself out for shopping and heeeyy, I am not cheap to myself!
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I was also on a first real date. You know who took me on my first real date? Me. And honestly, it was the best date I ever had. I took the power back from everybody who wanted to insult my soul. Because I love me. I bought myself nice flowers, I took myself to eat to an expensive restaurant. And I must say that I am such a good company, it´s so pleasant to be with myself. The Universe was sending me the karmic teachers (the narcissists) to teach me self-love. The karmic lessons on how to love myself were sometimes hard and sometimes even brutal. But today, I get it. Checked from my “to do list” as done. Today, I know myself better, I love myself better and I take care of myself better.
Youtube song: Miley Cyrus - Flowers
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My biological father is also a narcissist. My parents divorced when I was little, and of course, as it is a tradition with all couples where both individuals are cluster Bs, the divorce was accompanied with the fireworks. And of course, as it is typical for cluster Bs, they both had new partners even before their divorce was finished. Typical for the narcissists is that they monkey branch, they nonstop jump from relationship to relationship unable to be single for 5 minutes and often, their romantic relationships overlap. I don´t remember that much about my biological father from the period when I was a little girl. All I remember is that he gave my mother a black eye and then my mother was covering her eye like a pirate for some time. I also remember the hole in the door of my room he made with his fist and my mother putting some cute sticker over the hole to cover it up. That´s how my covert narcissistic mother always solves all her problems. She just puts some cute sticker over her problem to cover it up and that´s it, the problem is solved. She is a specialist when it comes to cute stickers. Later in my life, I came into a contact with my biological father few times (all together I have been in contact with him for couple of hours) and I regretted it every single time because I must say that his nasty narcissism makes him to be a very unpleasant creature to be around. He would pop up in my life here and there out of nowhere and then I would remove him AGAIN and AGAIN from my life bashing myself why I even gave him a chance over and over again just him to repeatedly hurt me and betray me. Once he picked me up with his car and he took me to his home for a visit. We entered the foyer and he literary let me stand in that foyer the entire time without asking me to come in. It was a Saint Nicholas Day and, in my country, it is a tradition that you give children sweets in their shoes. He did not give me anything, just some wallet without packaging that did not even look new, it looked cheap and almost like he digged it out of the garbage bin. The wallet was not even meant for girls. It came in a dark blue color with a very masculine picture printed on it. This wallet was definitely for boys. The wallet was empty. Honestly, the gift insulted me and humiliated me, and I guess this was exactly the purpose. You can recognize that someone is a narcissist when they give you “a trash gift”. That´s their specialty. Imagine that you see your own daughter after many years on Saint Nicholas Day and you give her nothing just ugly old empty wallet that probably did not costs more than 3 Dollars and most probably you did not even buy it. Especially, after you never paid a cent for the child support in your life. Never once in those years he called me on my Bday or buy me some Christmas or Bday gift. Nada. Zero. It did not take long when his girlfriend arrived home too. She was not happy to see me there and I could feel it because she treated me horribly. They argued about me a bit right in front of me, then he ran after her to another room, and he purposely left the door open so I can see everything that was happening in that room. He gifted her a giant gift basket full of sweets and a teddy bear. He made me feel like a shizzz on purpose. Again. Sometimes, he would pop up out of nowhere via social medias. Once he wrote me just to brag about an expensive trip he took with his son. He has a son from another failed toxic marriage. He sent me photos of him and his son enjoying their trip. Can you imagine that you literary never did anything nice for your daughter, you went radio silence for years and then you just pop up out of nowhere just to brag about some trip with his son? He never took me on any trip or vacation in my entire life. I must say that the narcissists are deeply mentally ill r3tards. I don´t even have the words for this narcissistic disorder shizzz. Their disorder makes them act and behave in such a surreal weird sadistic disgusting and nasty way that one normal healthy person wants to just fffff vomit from it. Another time when he popped up was when he sent me a message asking me if I can help him to sell some old vintage framed art he found somewhere in attic and probably not even in his attic because he is a parasite who always parasites on women and he never had anything on his own, he is just moving from one woman´s home to another. I was just balling my eyes out. I am an artist, not an antique shop. Imagine that you are not in a contact with your daughter for years and then you just randomly and out of nowhere send her a message asking her to sell some vintage art for him. Like…wtf. The only times my biological father contacted me is either to extract a negative narcissistic supply from me to abuse me or to try to use me. The last time he popped up in my messages, he was suspiciously nice to me. And soon I realized why. From his profile photo I could see that he is missing hair and eyebrows and he lost weight to the point he looked very sick. I personally believe he has a cancer. Suddenly it was all about “how we have to be in contact, we have so much to talk about, you are my daughter”. He probably thought I will take care of his sick and old ass. In my country, we have a saying that you die the way you lived. He burned many bridges through his life, he treated many people poorly and shit_ty, he hurt many people, he overfu_cked people for money (including his own daughter) and now nobody wants anything to do with him. People literary run from him because he is a rat. I don´t take a pleasure of his suffering but at the same time, I do believe in karma and karma never lose the address. You reap what you sow. My father wanted me to take care of him while he never took care of me. When I was sick or even in hospital, he never cared about me. It´s interesting how the narcissists expect from people everything that they are never willing to do for others. The narcissists are running around always looking for some victims to use, they use even their own children. After his “fake nice” message, I sent him the last message asking him not to bother me ever again, then I finally deleted him and blocked him forever. Karma is a beast.
Youtube song: The Rolling Stones – Like A Rolling Stone
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Continue to read my story of My ScapeGOAT Diary series HERE - Part 4.
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