In the past, I was repeating the same mistake over and over again. I was setting myself on fire to keep others warm. I burnt into ashes and people who I burnt for did not give a shizzz about it. It meant nothing to them. Basically, my whole life in a nutshell would be me sacrificing for others, exhausting myself by rotating around toxic assess until I was left with nothing, I would neglect my own self just to give my all to others, I would sacrifice my own needs, wants and dreams to adjust everything in my life to other people´s liking to make sure they are happy. Of course, they never appreciated it because they are just users.
pic1
Then I would get depressed. Then it took me months or years to recover and replenish my energy and resources. Aaaaaand here we go again, the toxic cycle can start again. Since then, I worked a lot on me and I de-programmed myself from codependency. I don´t sacrifice myself for others anymore. Today, I ask myself this question: would these people sacrifice themselves for me? If the answer is no, I don´t sacrifice myself for them either. I also ask myself this question: Do these people bring some values to my life? If the answer is no, then I am not in a hurry to bring my values to them either. I became a mirror to every person I meet. I am done with one sided relationships. If they throw me under the bus, I throw them also under the bus. This is fair play. As one of my favorite online coaches on narcissism The Little Shaman once told: “Stop killing yourself so someone else can live happily”.
2-3
I stopped to feed the parasites. Parasites should be killed, not fed. In nature, if you have a parasite, you either kill the parasite or the parasite kills you. All toxic people from my past gave three flying ffff that making them happy was making me miserable. And they did not care about my misery because they never loved me. No more I am scared to disappoint and piss people off by doing what is good and right for me. They are so selfish that they also do only what is good and right for them. So, I do the same. I am no more afraid to block people when I feel they are bringing only negativity and toxicity into my life. I became a queen of blocking toxic asses. I delete and block without warning. No worry, people know they are toxic towards you, they know exactly why they have been blocked, there is no need to discuss it.
4
They only hope that you do not realize that they are toxic towards you so they can continue to use you and abuse you. Never in my life I unblocked someone who is on my block list. Once I put someone on a block list, they stay there forever. When someone show me their true colors, I don´t have this need to unblock them because I already know they are the snakes. I don´t need to be bitten twice by the snakes “to be sure”. No more I feel the need to fix everything and everybody around me. And on my expense!!!!!!! I stopped being the professional fixer. When I see something or someone broken, I am not throwing myself anymore into that situation and fixing it. I learnt myself to just let it be broken and leave that situation. The narcissists have to face the responsibility for their actions. If you don´t face the consequences of your actions, you never learn your lesson and you become entitled and ungrateful. I stopped being the toxic people´s enabler so they can continue their toxic ways. If they want to be toxic, then they have to take responsibility for the results they create. The only help I can provide to the toxic narcissistic individuals is to recommend them some books, therapists, e-courses, video channels so they can use these resources to fix themselves. Because I am not fixing a shizzz. No way I will be destroying my life and my mental health again to regulate someone else´s unstable life and their unstable mental health.
5
The narcissists don´t want to be responsible for their own mental health but heeey, I don´t want to be responsible for their mental health either, not anymore. Narcissists, stop making me responsible for your responsibilities! My narcissistic family and all narcissists from my past were never interested in what is best for me, they have been utterly selfish and only interested what is best for them. So, now, I do only what is best for me because at least one person has to have the best interest for my life and that one person is me. As a child, I was powerless and I had no other choice than to take the narcissist´s abuse but today, I am an adult and I have options and I am choosing to walk away from everything and everyone who are trying to hurt me, damage me and harm me. I reject the narcissists like they are a cancer. And they are really like the cancer, they are ki11ing you. I deny access to me to everything and everybody that work like a cancer in my life.
6
The time on this planet is limited. The time is more valuable than diamonds. Once the time is gone, you can´t get it back. Therefore, I am very careful to what and whom I give my time. My time is the greatest investment, it is very valuable so when I give my time to people, I want to make sure they don´t throw it out of the window like a garbage. I don´t allow people dragging me down and tearing me apart anymore. My narcissistic family assigned me a role in my childhood. A role that I never asked for. It was a role of saving them from themselves. As a child, it was never my job to save, heal and fix my narcissistic ADULT (!!!!) parents and it is not my job to do so in my adulthood either. I don´t want to be responsible for traumas, instability, emotions and lives of adults anymore. Because fixing others almost costed me my life in the past. I literary almost di3d !!!! It´s a miracle I made it out alive.
7
The mental health of the toxic narcissistic individuals is fully their responsibility and it´s not my mistake or fault that they don´t want to put the hard work into healing themselves. I asked some of the narcissists from my past to enter the therapy and get better. As a parentified child, I asked my stepfather to get help with his alcoholism. He was angry to me for that, and he denied being an alcoholic. I asked my mother to enter the therapy, she answered that she does not need it because there is nothing wrong with her. I tried to get my second NPD BPD ex into the therapy, and I failed. I found a very good therapist here in my country who specializes in BPD to help him. I was even willing to pay for his intense but extremely expensive therapy. He refused. Yet, sometimes to these days, years after our breakup, he keeps sending me e-mails out of nowhere blaming me to be cruel and cold because I went no contact and refuse to be in touch with him. You can´t help people who do not want to help themselves.
8
And honestly, I am not even sure if it´s even possible to help the narcissists. I come from a narcissistic family and not one person in my family changed over the many years. I am in a community of survivors of narcissistic abuse for couple of years and I never came across a happy ending with the narcissists. I know few diagnosed narcissists online who became self-aware, and they create videos about their personality disorder to bring awareness about their disorder, even some of them are in an intense therapy for couple of years and they themselves admitted that just because they are better at controlling their narcissistic impulses, they did not magically developed empathy and they did not turn into the empaths. They are still the narcissists. Their words, not mine. They themselves giving people advice that if you are dealing with the narcissists, you should leave them and go no contact. They know why they are teaching this. Narcissists never heal because they ignore and never acknowledge their shadows. They avoid doing the inner shadow work to integrate their shadows. Instead of that, they just present the fake light and toxic positivity. In order to heal, you have to become vulnerable and dive deep into the ocean of your emotions. You have to open all your closets and clean all of the ghosts of the past out of there.
9
They are not willing to do this. The narcissists are deeply traumatized people who are refusing to heal themselves. You can´t change what you can´t acknowledge. I am not willing anymore to voluntary put myself in a position where toxic individuals traumatize me for fun and use me as their regulator for their unstable emotions and lifestyle. It´s depressing me, it´s damaging me, it´s destroying my life, I absolutely will not do that shizzz again. No more I am saving someone else´s mental health by destroying mine. I finally learnt myself to say “no” with a confidence and just walk away when the situation is toxic for me. I spent literary years in therapy, and I put lot of work into healing myself. If I can summarize the past few years in a nutshell, it would be like this: therapy, work, therapy, work, therapy, work. That was my life the past years. They can do the same. They can put the hard work for years into healing themselves. Just like I did. In no shape or form I feel responsible anymore to do it for them instead of them. Instead of entering the therapy, they all used me as a dumping garbage bin for their traumas and unhealed wounds, they all used me as a regulator for their unstable emotions and low self-worth. I was their emotional di1do. I am not willing to be someone´s punching bag nor I want to be someone´s free psychiatrist.
10
Today, when someone is purposely taking me away from my peace and my good mental health, I know that I have the right to take myself out of such a situation without the guilt. I don´t feel the quilt anymore. I became a mirror to all people I meet. Treat me right, I treat you better. Treat me bad, I kick you out of my life. Give me, I give you. Give me nothing, I give you nothing right back. Despite my tragic life story, I always have been a natural born optimist. Maybe that´s why I survived all my tragedies. If I would be a pessimist, I will be probably already in the coffin. I was always a cheerleader for everybody. Call me an idi0t but in the past, I was always this genuine hippie soul trying to see the bright side of everything and everybody. That´s why I ended up how I ended up... My naivety broke my neck. Good people are often destroyed in this narcissistic world.
11
I was always genuinely happy for others because I believe that the more the world is being happy, the more happiness will surround me and that´s good for me. There are no benefits for me from someone else´s misery. I don´t enjoy being a part of a miserable world. I want to be a part of a happy world. Also, I do believe that even if every person on this planet becomes successful, there is still enough for everybody. Someone else´s success does not take away from my own success. In fact, I enjoy successful people as my company the most out of all people because I can learn from them, and they have always many interesting and inspiring things to say. I love to listen to them. I am also a fair play person so when someone is a hustler, talented, intelligent and they achieved something special, clapping for them is absolutely the right thing to do.
12
That´s why I was sad that I never had people in my life that would do the same for me. Since childhood, I had literary zero support in my life. The narcissists from my past were bringing nothing just toxicity and negativity into my life and destroying my self-esteem on purpose so I don´t succeed. I do people good, I want everybody to do good, I wish people good so, when people don´t want the same for me, goodbye. I don´t destroy my own blessings for nobody anymore. I feel like G0d wanted to bless me many times, but I always chose to help others with their blessings while those people were destroying mine. I don´t stand G0d in the way anymore when G0d wants to bless me. No more I cut myself into pieces for people who let me burn, who exhaust me to the point I barely stand on my feet, and I barely drag myself through life out of exhaustion, I don´t destroy myself and my life for others anymore. I don´t swim whole oceans for people who feel like it´s an inconvenient for them to jump over a little puddle for me. The same people I sacrificed for did not even hand me one glass of water after I fell flat on my face for them. I don´t do this anymore for fffff…ucking NOBODY. I am not a lamb to be sacrificed. Never ever again. Today, I know my worth, I know what I deserve. And I cut off people out of my life who does not match my values and don´t see my worth. I worked hard to see my own worth and I want to be surrounded only by people who also see my worth. This time I DEMAND respect, I DEMAND people cherish me, value me and finally, I want to have some fun time with people. I am sick and tired of people who are coming to my life only to take, take, take, bring their darkness upon me, grab what they can and then throw me under the bus and run away. I am sick and tired to be constantly surrounded by dark people who are spreading nothing just their darkness around them. This time, I want to be surrounded by happy people full of light that make me happy, and we can have fun together and laugh a lot. Lord Voldemort toxic soul suckers, stay away from me!
13
I know what I bring to the table and this time, I also make sure I know what others bring to my table too. Many manipulators tried to emotionally guilt trip me after I started to take care of myself. They did not like that I cut off the attention I was giving to them, and I re-directed this attention to my own self. But shizzz is not working on me anymore. The manipulators can´t make me feel guilty anymore for me wanting to take care of myself, to love myself and to live my life on my own terms. None of those abusers from my past feel sorry for what they have done to me and how severely they damaged me and my entire life. Neither they ever apologized to me. I have a right to protect myself from people who bring nothing just toxicity into my life, even if they are my family and yes, even if they are sick and old or whatever other conditions. Just because my biological father became sick does not make him suddenly a good person who is going to treat me right. He is still a nasty narcissist with whom I can´t stand to be in one room. So, the only person you can 100% blame is yourself, father. Don´t blame me. How you ended up is your creation. You created it. We all are creators of our own reality. And it seems you created pretty shit_ty reality for yourself and people around you. It´s too late. Sometimes, for some things, it´s just too late. I was fighting for years to remove the shackles and chains my narcissistic family imprisoned me with, it took me long time to become free and now when I am finally free for the first time in my life, I want to FINALLY LIVE MY LIFE.
14-15
So, don´t bother me! You all already stole so much from me, so many experiences I never experienced because you all took those experiences from me, you inflicted so much trauma on me that made me the prisoner in my own life, I spent so many years in pain and agony and in therapy trying to find an exit from the dark room you all left me in. I spent years in my own prison you created for me isolating my traumatized azzzz doing nothing just staring into the ceiling. Now it´s my time to live. And I don´t want to take care of NONE OF YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop guilt tripping me, shizzz does not work on me anymore. I don´t feel guilt anymore. I don´t want to take care of abusers. I dont´want to take care of people who abused me. Now, I want to take care of ME. I was taking care of all of you but none of you were taking care of me. You all only used me !!!! So, at least someone needs to take care of me and that “someone” will be me. I can´t take care of you because I need me now, I need to take care of myself. Which actually, I supposed to do many years ago. This time I will not abandon my own self for nobody. This time I will not betray myself for nobody. Align with my healthy energy or get the ffff out of my life!
16
I don´t even want any apology from you “narcs” anymore. Honestly, at this level of trauma and damage you narcissistic abusers caused me, your “sorry” would look so stupid and r3tarded. Like a fu….cking joke!!!!! There is nothing left to be said from your side to make it sound at least appropriate. You literary destroyed three decades of my life and I don´t have one more second to give to any of you. Not even one second. Even giving you one second of my life feels to me like you are asking from me way too much, way more than you deserve. The most loving thing that every abuser from my past can do for me at this point is just shut the fffff up and to stay away from me and let me FINALLY LIVE MY LIFE.
17
If you never brought anything positive into my life, at least, stop bringing negativity and toxicity into my life. Do not contact me, do not put my name into your mouth, do not even look my way. You are d3ad to me and I want to be d3ad to you. You all already stole my entire childhood, you stole best years of my adulthood from me so, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. What else you want from me by knocking on my doors? I have nothing left to give you. This is the first time in my entire life when I feel that the trauma is being removed from my system and I can finally live my life like a normal person feeling like a human being which honestly sound to someone like me who was deeply traumatized so many years like a f….cking luxury!!!!! The trauma consumes 90% of your memory card, thoughts, emotions, capacity in all shape and form related to day-to-day life (if we can call it a life because life with trauma is really not life at all, you are in a survival mode most of the time). So, my narcissistic family and all narcissists from my past, excuse me, because now I am going to live my life and for a fffff change to actually have some fun and chill-out as an opposition to a brutality, stress and darkness you inflicted on me for many years. I deserve now to feel good, to be optimistic, to play, to relax. I also have to catch up with my childhood as my childhood was fuc….king non-existent!!!!
18-20
All abusers from my past had their chance … and I mean years and years and years … I mean not only one chance but many many many chances … to treat me right, to build the trust with me, to create emotional bond with me, to show me love, to make amends, to make things right, to apologize, to do therapy with me so we can get better together and I can go on and on and on what kind of chances they could take through the years with me but they never did. And now it´s just too late. Now I don´t want to be bothered by any of you, soul suckers, I don´t discuss a shizzz anymore. Narcissists, stop knocking on my ffff doors!!! It´s annoying to me!!! This time my doors will be not opened. Because enough is enough. You are just calculative at this point, and I see through your manipulations. Most of my narcissistic family is getting old and sick. Suddenly you all realized I exist??? Interesting. You have been abusing me and scapegoating me my entire life. You all have been taking care of all kids in the family, except me. All kids from our family have got their celebrations, gifts, Bdays cakes and parties, sweets, money, buying them clothes, you took them for vacations, you took care of them when they were sick and had flu, and you always skipped me!!! As a scapegoat of a narcissistic family, you only used me to be your dumping garbage bin for everything bad and dark going on in our family, but you excluded me from everything good going on in our family.
21
When my brother was graduating from university, he called me a day before his graduation. It was 5 PM. I´m like … are you joking me, bro? This is an important event, I was taking care of your azzzz half of my life, and I wanted to celebrate your success of becoming a lawyer and you little biaaach, after everything I have done for you, you cut me off? My brother told me about his graduation way too late. Usually, you inform and invite people to such an event weeks or even months ahead so they can get their nails done, their hair done, do some shopping of dresses and shoes. Wtf you expect me to get done at 5 PM one day before your graduation??? My brother and my mother did this on purpose. They knew that I had only two options and both of those options sucked. I would either come to that graduation in jeans looking like shizzz, so they can talk crap about me or I would just not come, so they can talk crap about me anyway that I did not show up. My toxic family was doing this to me my entire life. Always excluding me from our family like I am a trash.
22
Step grandmother, I still remember how you took my brother and cousins for vacation to sea, and you left me at home!!! Then, when you came back home, you all were showing me photos from your vacation telling me all those amazing adventures you experienced there. So, stop knocking on my ffff doors with your sudden and fake “I love you, you know that, right?”. No, I don´t. I don´t feel your love. I only feel that you are fake as fffff.
23
You only want me to take care of you all because now you are getting sick and old. But I don´t have time for none of you users, because now I plan my vacations where I will go without you. I have to catch up with everything you were depriving me my entire life. I have zero plans to take care of your toxic narcissistic abusive asses and I don´t even care what people think about me for this. They did not see those three decades of abuse that I had to endure behind the closed doors. I owe you a shizzz. Reject, delete, block. No discussion. No warning. I don´t discuss with toxic m0therfuckers anymore. Why? Because you all know very well what dirt you did to me. We don´t need to discuss it. You all narcissists play dumb, but you know very well what you have done to me. There is nothing to be discussed. I don´t allow abusers to gaslight me with their crazy making. I´m not open to give the narcissists even the space to start the discussion. I don´t want absolutely anything to do with any narcissists, you all are sattanic d3mons sent by the Satttan himself on this planet. I don´t fu…ck with Satttan. I have no business in any shape or form to fuc…k with none of you. Keep your abusive toxic sattanic dirt away from me.
Karma never loses its address. In most of the cases, the karma does not hit overnight, it takes even years to arrive. But when it arrives, it hits hard like a hammer. With karma, it is never about “if” karma comes, it´s only about “when” karma comes. Because it always does, without an exception. This is not a coincidence that we had way too many sudden sicknesses, problems, cancers, car accidents, other strange accidents and way too many d3ads the past years in our family. Everybody from my past who did me dirty, strange things started happing to them, they started to lose their looks, their homes, their money, their health, etc. Karma is coming for you all. My narcissistic BPD ex is angry to me that I don´t want to take him back. He even sent me some threatening messages, including writing me that he wants to “unalive” himself and he wants to take me and his dog together with him. Suddenly, he loves me and promises to treat me right. But what he really misses is not me, it´s my service, narcissistic supply and money.
24-26
Dude woke up pretty fast realizing that he is back at his toxic narcissistic mother´s home at age of 40, living in ruins, back on one-dollar noodles, jobless…again. He is getting older and sicker losing his “hot fuckboy looks” that he was profiting from his entire life in order to use women and now when he is not hot anymore, he has more and more troubles to find some narcissistic supply. Bro, seems like the most "fuckable years" are already behind you. Maybe it´s time to finally find a real job. Lately, he sent me his photo and I could not even recognize him. He put weight on, now he has a big beard, and he looks like a homeless. He has dark circles under his eyes, and he looks miserable, sad and angry. The user misses the sushi at expensive restaurant with me, he misses showering in my beautiful bathroom because he does not even have shower and hot water in the ruins he lives in. Sorry users, Cinderella Lily just got her freedom from her ugly sisters …. Didn´t you know that it was Cinderella who in the end have got all the diamonds and the castle?
Youtube song: Taylor Swift – Bejeweled
27-30
I don´t take a pleasure of this entire narcissistic Titanic going down, honestly, this situation as a whole is tragic, I don´t feel happy watching the narcissists from my past going down when karma is catching up with them BUT in the same time, I have the right to put myself first now (just like them were putting themselves first their entire lives), I have the right to remove myself from abusive toxic people who are making me sick (it´s not my fault that they are abusive and I am not obligated in any mean to voluntary getting sick and being abused), I have the right to protect my peace I was craving, fighting for, building for years (only G0d knows that I finally deserve that ffff peace), I have the right to finally live my own life after three decades of being everybody´s object to use. At this point, I don´t even care about karma hitting my enemies anymore. If you asked me 5 years ago, I would be most probably opening a Champaign right now, laughing in their faces and celebrating my “revenge”. But I came a long way since my downfall, and I healed myself. Healing took me so much time that now, at this point, honestly, I just want to turn them my back without a word and walk away in silence and never look back. And that´s honestly the best “revenge” because the narcissists are empty energy vampires who only want your attention and through that attention, they suck the energy out of you. So, the best “revenge” is to take that attention and energy away from them.
31-32
The narcissists are vampires and just like the real vampires, when the vampires don´t get their doses of bl00d, they starve and they di3. Take their bl00d supply away from them, full blown ignore them, shine your light on them and this is how you ki11 the vampire. Every time you acknowledge them, you are feeding them. Even one look at them or being with them in the same room counts like a narcissistic supply for them. Every time you allow them to make you angry, they are lowering your vibration, and this makes you stuck with them in lower frequencies. The narcissists exist only on low frequencies so if you want to get rid of them, you have to vibrate higher. If you are vibrating on high frequencies, they can´t follow you there and this is how you win. Don´t let the narcissists to trick you to trap you on low frequencies, it´s a trap! You can only attract narcissists if you are empty, desperate, low vibrational, lonely, you operate from a position of lack and neediness because like energy attracts like energy. This is the only way how you can attract the narcissists. So, what to do in order to heal from narcissistic abuse and to never attract another narcissist? You have to fill your own cup and stop having an empty void within yourself. You have to figure out how to make your own self happy and love yourself, you have to heal your codependency and become emotionally independent and you have to do everything in order to vibrate as high as possible.
33
Every time the narcissists want to make you angry, think about it as a trap. You have to stay positive. That´s the real win here. Every time they manage to keep you in darkness, they are winning. Every time you are shining, they are losing. Every time I was vibrating the highest, every time I was shining the brightest, the narcissistic vampires could not handle to be anywhere around me. First, they tried to lower my vibration by trying to provoke me, bully me and upset me and when they saw I stay unbothered and keep myself in my high vibration, I could see I caused them the narcissistic injury, they gave me a nasty angry look, their eyes were full of hate and then, they fled from me. I won.
34-35
Your happiness is your greatest g//un. If all of this thought me something, it´s that I have to always stay in my own energy and don´t allow people to affect my energy. No matter what is going on, I stay in my own energy. Nothing pisses the narcissists more than when they can´t take my energy off the balance. They hate when I stay unbothered, bright, and positive. They literary run from me when I shine.
36-38
People think that the way how to fight the narcissists is to become angry at them but, the opposite is the truth. You won the w///ar with the narcissists when you stay unaffected and you stay in your own energy, you stay kind, joyful, bright, and shinning. It completely disarms them. When you shout at them, they shout at you back. You are not the first person hating them. Everybody hates them, even they hate their own selves. They are used to everybody shouting at them, this is nothing new to them so they know what to do about it. They are used to wa///rs. That´s where they feel “at home”. That´s why, if you allow the narcissists to drag you in the middle of their battlefield, they will always win, because you are foreign to this type of wa//r but they are “at home” in wa///r. You know where they are not “at home”? At peace. With light. Don´t shout at them, stay at peace, calm, cool, collected, have a good mood and you will see that you destroyed them with this, they have nothing to say back to you, they don´t know how to fight you, they feel powerless and then they literary run from you. You won. That´s how you fight vampires. With light. With smile. With good mood. With fun. Unbothered. They are “at home” with darkness, so, the darkness is not something you can destroy them with. So, every time some vampire is trying to drag you into the darkness, see it as a trap. Don´t follow them there. You can´t beat the darkness with darkness, you can beat the darkness only with the light.
"My religion is very simple. My religion is kidness."
39-41
In the past, I was like a sponge, the narcissistic vampires were able to affect my energy and lower my vibration and then they had the narcissistic smirk on their face because they manipulated me exactly where they wanted me to be. The narcissists are dark, and they want you to be dark too. I don´t allow toxic people to do this to me anymore. All of this shizzz took so much from me that I really only want to move on from my past and start my new life. I don´t even want to think about them anymore. I don´t even want to think about revenge, justice or karma. I don´t want to feel 1% of old energy. Now my priority is to LIVE MY LIFE. Now I just want to be my own person, I don´t want to be someone else´s extension anymore. I want to feel like a human being. I will never allow anybody to treat me like a trash, a toy or an object ever again. I also deserve to be finally surrounded by beautiful souls who give me love, peace and freedom. I have the right to finally experience something nice in my life.
42-44
In no shape or form I want to be ever again surrounded by such a horrible people like the narcissists and going round and round in circles experiencing the dark toxicity on repeat. I deserve better. It´s 100% your fault, narcissists, that you did not give me some better experiences and therefore I don´t want to be around you. I realized I deserve more, better, nicer. And you are not capable to give it to me so why are you selfishly asking me to stay with you? For what? To be treated like a crap again? No, thank you!!! I have options. There are people out there who are and will treat me way more nicely and way more lovingly. Being around the narcissists was beyond traumatic. I am not going back. There is no going back for me from how far I came in my healing journey. I can´t stop now. I have to keep moving forward no matter what. Maybe I was moving slowly, but I never walk backwards.
45-46
I was working too hard on myself just to abandon my own self right now. I am not going to betray myself this time. I can only move forward. And I don´t care what people think about me and my bold decisions I chose for my life. I don´t want anything to do with my narcissistic family or any narcissists from my past. Or in general, with any narcissists.
But I must tell you something about karma. The narcissists are their own worst enemies. They do not need enemies, they don´t even need karma to finish them, they are their own worst enemy. Their own toxicity always breaks their own necks. Because they don´t know how not to be toxic. They can put a fake mask on their face but eventually, the mask will fall off, they will continue to move in a toxic way and eventually, they break their own neck with their own stupidity and toxicity. Not to mention that eventually, they always meet even more toxic people than they are, and those people make them to taste their own medicine. I never witnessed a karma to be executed as great as when I witnessed a narcissist to bring the karma on another narcissist. Let my enemies devour each other. Save your energy and let your enemies to devour each other. And stay quiet because you don´t want to disturb your enemies when they do the mistakes. Let them fu_ck up. Toxic biatches always f_uck up.
47
My first narcissistic ex ran from me, I am an empath. Who he married? Another narcissist who is even bigger narcissist than he is. My biological father gave my mother a black eye. Then he entered another relationship, and I heard that this woman stubbed him with a knife during an argument. Do not take a revenge on the narcissists. Just sit down, take a popcorn and wait for it. Wait for the shi_t show. It always comes. Narcissists don´t know how to be normal. If you give them enough rope, they always hung themselves.
48
I never met one narcissist with a happy end. They always self-destruct and self-sabotage. They are miserable people by default so there is no need to bring them more misery, they are already miserable. The narcissists from my past wanted to play me but, in the end, they played themselves. As DJ Khaled says: “Never play yourself”. The cluster Bs can be even on top of the world, they always self-destruct in the end anyway. Just an example that came to my mind right now – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They were both nominated to be the hottest people on the planet, they both are super rich, super beautiful, super famous, they had giant houses, they went on expensive vacations together, they had a beautiful family with lot of beautiful children. And they destroyed each other anyway. They are both cluster Bs. It´s what cluster Bs do. The default program of all cluster Bs is to self-destruct and self-sabotage. All you have to do is to get the fff out of their way, so they don´t take you down together with them when their “karma bus” rolling full speed towards their “cluster B destiny”. Don´t over-f_uck your enemies, just over-grow them. Keep healing, keep growing and one day, they stay in low vibrations, and you will move to high vibrations. The narcissists do not need karma, just leave them to the nature of their disorder. If you are educated on cluster B disorders, you know what will follow next.
49
Just stay away from their way so the narcissistic vampires do not suck you out of your energy. Protect your energy. Conserve your energy. Do not give others your energy for free. Did you notice that the victims who are with the narcissists or freshly came out of the narcissistic relationships, they look so drained, like something sucked the life out of them, they look older than they truly are, they are pale in their faces, and they have dark circles under their eyes. They literary look sick and drained. Because they have been bitten by the narcissistic energy vampires. The narcissists bitten them, sucked the energy out of them and also, injected a poison into their veins. This is a spiritual battle between G0d and 3vil. This is about energy transference.
50-51
The energy transference is real. When you are with the narcissists, they will suck you out of your energy, so you look and feel drained while they feel energized. Because they stole your energy and they run on your energy. If they thrive and you go downhill, it´s because you gave them access to your energy field. They are the car, and you are their gas station. Car can´t run without the gas. So, they pump you out of your gas, now they have your gas for free, driving their car all energized and you are without YOUR gas and you have no energy. It´s all about the energy transference. The narcissists glow only when they have someone to suck the energy out of and run on their energy. But the second the victims remove the narcissists from their lives and get their freedom and healing, the tables are being turned. The narcissists who lost their “energy sources” are slowly getting sicker and drained while the victims who are recovering are glowing every day more and more. Stop feeding the vampires with your energy!!!
52
Lately, I broke no contact with my narcissistic mother, and I regretted it right away. But, maybe in some way, I do not regret it. Why? Because while I was able to fully move on from all narcissists from my past, I was still somehow in and out of cognitive dissonance when it came to my mother and brother. Maybe, G0d allowed me to make this exception to break “the no contact regime” to resolve my “cognitive dissonance issue”. I felt stuck in cognitive dissonance about my narcissistic mother and my flying monkey brother, and cognitive dissonance is probably the most painful emotional experience you can go through. It makes you feel like you are constantly in an emotional battle with your own self which creates an inner chaos and all of this keep lowering your immunity system, messing with your nervous system and making you sick and tired, you always have these people who you feel in cognitive dissonance about in the back of your mind and you are unable to stay, neither being able to move on. You just go back and forth in your head, over and over again. Until you feel exhausted, depressed and drained. Until you feel like you are going crazy. The cognitive dissonance is really a painful experience. So, maybe it was G0d who orchestrated this break of no contact so I can properly see the truth as I was going through (another) toxic situation with my toxic family, then heal my cognitive dissonance and finally move on forever and sleep well.
53
From some point, my narcissistic mother knew I am not coming back. In the past, she always tried to guilt trip me back into our abusive family, but I already passed this stage of healing and I don´t feel guilt anymore and she knows that emotional manipulation is not working on me anymore. I don´t like when society takes the scapegoats of narcissistic families through “the secondary abuse” by telling the scapegoats that we should honor and love our family and we always have to make it work no matter what. These people clearly don´t understand how serious personality disorder narcissism is. Narcissism belongs to the same category as psychopathy and sociopathy (known as “cluster B personality disorders) so guilt tripping people into returning to their own abusers is crazy. Only G0d knows how many times I tried to make things work with my family. It´s impossible. If you stay, it will destroy your mental health. The longer you stay and the harder you try, the more destroyed your health will be.
54
Once my mother realized I am legit done, she tried to use my younger brother as a bait to lure me back into our abusive family. She knew I always had a soft spot for my brother. Maybe when you have a sibling of your age, you often fight or compete but when you are a big sister to your younger brother, this relationship is different. I always felt more like “a half-sister and half-mother” to my brother. It´s hard to say “no” to him. I always loved my brother very much. We have been always very close. When he was a little kiddo, he was always glued on me. I could not have a 5 min. only for myself without him wanting to be around me. I remember when I started to hit puberty, I wanted to have at least 5 min. privacy, so I closed myself in my room and suddenly, I heard noise right behind my door. It was my little brother pushing the chair close to the door, then he climbed on that chair and opened the door. And as the door opened, he was standing there with his big bright beautiful smile, he started to laugh and screamed “Linda!” while he started to run towards me. He jumped on me on bed and … end of my privacy lol. I was very creative artsy sister. I would take the cardboard boxes and painted them into monster helmets and then we would chase each other through the entire home with those crazy helmets on our heads. We were very close. Or, I thought so. I guess my narcissistic mother was envious about the good relationship between me and my brother, so she put the axe between me and my brother with manipulations. In the end, I had no other choice than to go no contact with my brother too.
55
I broke no contact few times in the past and it did not go very well. Once, my brother asked me if I want to go for a pizza with him and I agreed but I made clear that I want to meet only with him. I cut off my entire toxic family, but I wanted to be in contact with my “baby brother”. When you are “a big sister” to your brother, your brother will be always your “baby brother”. Forever. Even my brother will be 80 years old, he will always be in my eyes “my sweet little baby brother”. I felt a bit betrayed when my brother came to pizza restaurant together with our narcissistic mother. I was in no contact for a quite some time (again) when I lately received an email from my brother. The email was very cold, heartless, and honestly, it sounded like it was written by my mother because I doubt that my brother would ever speak to me this way. Basically, he told me in this email that if I don´t come back to our family and don´t start to function and communicate with our mother, I will lose him forever. It did not even sound like an email from a brother but rather from a lawyer. It was formal and cold. My brother sided with our mother. I feel like he will never understand my point of view because he is a golden child, and I am a scapegoat. And he never even tried to understand me, he never cared, he never wanted to hear my side of the story. My mother brainwashed him. I replied on that email and of course, my mother has got involved in no time. She used my brother as a flying monkey. Well planned, mother. Now you have got my attention. She sent me a very long email where of course, I was blamed for everything on this planet, she made passive-aggressive nonsense hurtful comments just to get under my skin to extract negative narcissistic supply from me and she told me that everything on this planet is my fault, and I should finally agree with her that I am a bad person. Business as usual. When I was a kid, she used to call me "a bad child", when I was a young lady, she used to call me "a bad girl" and now when I am an adult, she calls me "a bad person". The destiny of all scapegoat daughters of narcissistic mothers.
56-57
She got what she came for because I blew up and wrote her back few heated sentences on which she again replied with a long email but luckily, I came to my senses, I only took a deep breath and deleted that email without reply. I remember my best friend came home right after I finished reading the email from my mother and my best friend could see that it took me off my balance, my hands were shaking, and it took me couple of days to calm down. Only my mother knows how to push my buttons. Also, I feel dissapointed by the reaction of my brother who told me that he does not believe me and if I want to bring toxicity and negativity to our family, it´s better if I stay away. Well, truth is not for everybody, obviously. He also told me that he wants the old Linda back. It´s interesting how everybody misses my old version of me. The one where I did not love myself yet and let people walk all over me. A lot of people does not like the new version of me because my new me has boundaries, respect herself, love herself and the narcissists can´t use me, abuse me and gaslight me anymore and this pisses them off. But I love my new version of me way more. I finally love myself and that´s awesome. I feel way healthier and happier being my new version. But I accept that me leveling up and doing the positive changes for myself might trigger a lot of unhealed people and also I accept that these changes will most probably result in me loosing a lot of people from my old life and I am fine with that. I am not a vegan vanilla milkshake, I can´t make everyone happy. I also made a peace with the fact that it´s a destiny of scapegoats to be always invalidated, minimized, scapegoated, gaslighted and to carrry the cross like a Je_sus for the entire family and for all narcissists on this planet. G0d showed me (again) that my mother will never change, she will be a narcissist forever and staying no contact is the only way how to continue to deal with this toxic situation.
Youtube song: Qveen Herby - Nah
58
Unfortunately, I started to painfully awaken to the fact that my beloved brother might be a narcissist too or he has some narcissistic traits. I guess that deep down I always knew that there is something not quite right with my brother, but it was too painful for me to accept it. I noticed already in the past that his emotions were working differently than mine. Sometimes we love our beloved too much that we close one eye for them and pretend we do not see the reality. Since his teenage years, I noticed in particular situations that he is missing “that sensitivity chip”. It was the heartless email he sent me that finally forced me to sit down and face the reality. I started to think about all kind of situations where my brother was missing “the sensitive chip”. He never in my life sent me Bday message, he pretty much ignored all of my special occasions. He knew I am going through a dark period of my life suffering with a depression, he never called me once in those few years to ask how I am. It was a painful awakening for me. I felt betrayed and hurt that after years of me loving my brother, taking care of him, protecting him, always being there for him, he sided with my abusers and left me standing alone in the darkness not giving three flying fu_cks about me. It was my wake-up call. Tho, I still dearly love my brother, I had to remove myself from the abusive environment and just love my brother from the distance. I will still have love for my brother, but I no longer take the shizzz and I had to set strong boundaries with my toxic family because they were literary ki11ing me and I really had enough. I can´t do this crazy toxic shizzz anymore.
59-60
If I learnt something about narcissistic abuse is that when you are standing in the middle of burning house, you can´t operate from your emotional thinking, you have to decrease your emotional thinking and increase your logical thinking. You have to operate 100% from your logical thinking. F_uck emotions. Otherwise, you will not make it out of that burning house and you will di3 there. What will take you out of the burning house is your brain, not your emotions. Why? Because your heart is dumb. Don´t follow your heart, your heart is dumb, it will ki11 you. You have to follow your brain because only brain has brain cells. If you start to think logical instead of emotional, it will give you completely different perspective on the situation, the right and correct one. When you are trying to make it out of the burning house, follow your brain if you want to make it out. No worry, you will take care of your emotions later but first, you have to use your brain to take you out of that burning house. And once you are out of that burning house, only than you can start to entertain your emotions, now you can start the healing process.
61-62
Another thing that I learnt through the abusive relationships is 100% radical acceptance of situations and people. And again, you have to do it through your brain, not through your emotions. If people show you their true colors, please, believe them. What brought clarity and peace into my life is that I 100% radically accepted that the narcissists from my past are abusive, and I stopped to romanticize the abuse “in the name of love”. The hardest part of the healing from narcissistic abuse is the internal emotional battle (known as “cognitive dissonance”) where your heart is in the battle with your brain. On the logical level, you know that these people are ki11ing you, you know that the abuse is happening, and it is bad for you, you know that loving a crocodile does not make the crocodile stop seeing you as their dinner but because you always choose emotional thinking and love for these dangerous people, you are being sacrificed by them like a lamb over and over again. You have to ki11 the emotional thinking in you and use the cold bl00ded logic instead to see the real reality. Stop adding fantasies and dreams to the reality, ki11 the toxic hope, ki11 the toxic optimism, you have to choose discipline, reality, logic to save yourself.
63-66
You love your narcissistic beloved ones, but they don´t love you back, it´s part of their disorder to not having the empathy, they are not capable of love, and you have to radically accept it. They hate you, they want you to fail, they sabotage you, you want to cooperate but they constantly compete with you, you want the team work but they always try to put you down and one up you, they don´t want you to do good, they envy you, they attack you, you want good for them but they wish you bad, they are destroying your life and they do it in a heartless way without thinking twice what damage they are causing you. Now you have to put yourself first, leave the burning house and run away from the crocodiles. You are not safe with the narcissists. Your whole existence is in danger. The narcissistic abuse is literary destroying empath´s lives! You know how many people are currently in therapy with serious PTSD and life threatening depressions or even on cemeteries because they took their own lives as a result of this type of abuse? Many.
67-71
We accept love that we think we deserve. If you feel like this shit_ty pseudo “love” from the narcissists is all that you deserve, than you have to learn how to love yourself better because you clearly do not love yourself. When someone put you in a position where you have to choose between them and self-love, you know that you are with the wrong people. Only abusers don´t want you to love yourself. In healthy relationships, you are allowed to keep both – you are allowed to keep your beloved ones and your self-love at the same time. If you are being forced to choose between a person and your self-love, I hope you will be enough brave to always choose your self-love. Because choosing the wrong person and abandoning your self-love will ki11 you.
72
I am at the point in my life where I am no more scared to lose people. Obviously, they never have been scared to lose me. And I don´t care who those people are, if those people are strangers or my own mother. If someone is toxic for me, I 100% radically accept this fact, period. My narcissistic mother was not only sabotaging my romantic relationships, but she did not want me to have children. Once she told me that she can´t imagine to be a grandmother, she can´t imagine her grand kids to call her “grandma” and she just does not feel like helping me and taking care of my kids. Now I know why. My mother gave me my life for very selfish reasons. I was created by her solely to take care of her. Everything has to be only about my narcissistic mother. She thinks that the sun revolves around her. How comes that my mother destroyed my entire childhood to make me take care of her son while she does not want to even slightly help me with my future kids. Because the narcissists are only the users. They are not here to give, only to take. Me having my kids would take the attention from her and in her eyes, I have been born to only rotate around her toxic ass. The narcissists will destroy everything in your life that would take the attention away from them. I was rotating around my toxic mother nonstop since I was a little girl. When I went no contact with her, her only concern was “I am in the age when kids should take care of her mother”. She did not want to resolve the situation or try to understand my feelings. It was all about her, again. You toxic biaaatch, nobody ever cared for me, I always cared for everybody. When exactly is the time when I will be taken care of? I am not your servant! You all exhausted me beyond exhaustion with constantly using me and abusing me. I literary have nothing to give you and sacrifice for you, anymore! You already took everything, you toxic biaaatch, so back off! Since I went no contact with my toxic family, and since I finally resolved the cognitive dissonance with my toxic mother and my brother, I feel finally free. Suddenly, I started to heal way faster. Once you pass “the cognitive dissonance stage”, your healing will be happening on a rapid speed. It´s the cognitive dissonance that make you stuck and sick. I went through my grieving process, and it was painful but from the long run perspective, I feel relief. Honestly, I am not missing anybody. I just want my peace. I absolutely do not miss the abuse, the word salad roller-coasters, the mindfu_ckery, the usery, the abusery, the constant ruined joy, the constant put downs to keep me small and powerless, the silent treatments and instability that brought so much anxiety and insecurity into my life, the constant controlling behavior, the constant messy chaotic environment, the constant treatment from my family like I am a crap, I don´t miss any of that. At all. I don´t miss constantly trying to prove myself, prove that I am worthy, fight and chase for breadcrumbs of “love”. I don´t care if you don´t love me anymore, you toxic biaatches. I love myself.
73-74
I don´t miss how the narcissists from my past were constantly feeding of me like the dark vampires. The narcissists feed of your pain, feed of the bad energy they force on you. Your pain is their fuel. I don´t miss that shizzz. I don´t miss to be micromanaged or completely ignored, I don´t miss the extreme ups and downs, I don´t miss being over-criticized for no reason, I don´t miss trying hard, cutting myself into million pieces for the narcissists and never satisfy them and never be good enough no matter how hard I try, I don´t miss being belittled when I suppose to be praised, I don´t miss being misguided on purpose when I suppose to be corrected so I don´t fail in life, I don´t miss the narcissists antagonizing me every time I tried to talk to them or be around them. I don´t miss the narcissists. I don´t miss their put downs, mockery, insults, passive-aggressive BS, violation of my boundaries, I don´t miss them sucking the life out of me. I don´t miss constantly defending myself even I did nothing wrong. I don´t miss to be blamed for everything for no reason. I take no shizzz anymore, fu_ck you, narcissists. The worst thing that can happen to someone is to have a narcissistic parent. It will damage you for life. I did a massive healing on me and G0d bless, I feel I am finally heading towards end of my healing journey but all this shizzz destroyed 3 decades of my life and most probably, I will still spend some extra years in therapy.
75
Since childhood, I am only falling flat on my face, then putting myself together and going back on my feet, then I am falling again, on repeat. I am sick and tired of this dynamic. I am sick and tired of being surrounded by wrong people who constantly wish me bad. Better not having a parent than having a bad parent. Better to stand alone than to be surrounded by the narcissists. Narcs, you are f_ucking useless fu_cks!!!! Out of my way! And the best thing about being in no contact with the narcissists is that I don´t need to explain myself anymore. What a nightmare to constantly trying to explain some crazy nonsense. It´s wearing you down and destroying your mental health. Today, I don´t give a fff what the narcissists think of me. Soul suckers, feel free to think about me that I am a pink giraffe with 3 heads and a chair instead of eyes, I don´t give a fffffffff! Run around and talk shizzz about me behind my back. I don´t defend myself, I don´t explain, I just don´t give a ffff anymore. I know who I am, I know where is the truth and God is watching the entire time. And that´s all I have to know. The truth always defends itself. What a peace, finally. Narcissists only thought me one positive thing and that is to love myself. The narcissists want me to be miserable, so the best “revenge” is working on my healing and making myself healthy and happy. And no more I feel guilty to follow my happiness. Out of my f_cuking way, soul suckers! Narcissists, are you triggered by my happy hippie? Well, your problem! Leave! You see the doors over there? There is where you can go with your crap! Byeeeeee!
Youtube song: DJ Khaled x Drake – Staying Alive
76-77
Narcissists from my past had the chance to treat me right, but they chose not to. And I am not obligated to tolerate anybody´s abusive behavior. Finally, I came to the point where I don´t even hope they will ever apologize to me or ask for forgiveness, I healed myself so much to the point that I don´t care anymore. I just moved on and now when I am FINALLY moved on, they can´t come back. That´s how the games go. I just want you, all the toxic narcissistic people, to leave me alone and that´s the only good thing you can do for me at this point. And that´s literary the only one good thing you ever did for me. It took me many years to forgive myself for allowing you to treat me like a crap and to forgive myself for times I did not love myself. But now I do love myself, now I know better so I do better and that´s exactly the reason why you can´t come back anymore. It took me years and years, but I even managed to forgive the narcissists from my past.
78-79
I believe in reincarnation. I believe that before I came to this planet, me and the narcissists made a contract between us about what karmic lessons I want to learn this lifetime and once our souls arrived on this planet, we started to play this karmic scenarios we agreed on upon our arrival. And the only way how to fulfill this contract is to focus not on what they have done to me but what I can learn from this to pass the karmic tests so I can be free. I made sure I was a good student because I did not want to repeat the karmic tests. I learnt my lessons, I passed the tests, I forgave my karmics, so I don´t need to meet them again the next lifetime and do this karmic toxic tango again with them aaaaand .... freedom, baby!
80-81
I live the way I owe nobody. Especially, I do not owe people who abused me. Lot of people owe me, but I owe nobody. I don´t have any more the need to “punish” people for what they have done to me, but I don´t stand in karma´s way either once the karma comes for those people. In the past, I would be so arrogant when G0d sent the karma on bad people, I would be so disordered with my “codependent over-empathy” that I wanted to save every villain and take their karma off their shoulders by transferring it on my shoulders. I am not this arrogant anymore. I don´t stand karma in her way anymore.
82
In the past, the karma always came to teach the villains some lessons but because I took those lessons away from them every single time, they did not learn one damn thing, they were running around free and happy continuing to do the dumb shizzz they always were doing while I was carrying their burdens and I was barely standing on my own feet because those burdens were that heavy. I don´t do this anymore. I respect G0d´s will. If G0d thinks someone deserve a karmic lesson or punishment, I don´t stand in karma´s way anymore. There is a reason why karma is coming for these people, G0d is not an idi0t.
83
I do believe that when people´s time to change comes, the Universe sends them situations, signs and support to do so, the Universe gives them the chance to align with the laws of the Universe and G0d´s light. Just like the Universe sent guidance for me when it was my time to change and grow, the Universe is doing the same for the souls of others too. If the villains decide not to change, I no more force them to change with my disordered codependency. I just let it be. And I FINALLY live MY LIFE!!! No more running around like crazy saving villains that don´t even want to be saved, changing villains who don´t even want to be changed. Instead of that, I am saving myself. Villains are in the good hands of the Universe. Nobody will care for them better than G0d, not even me. The Universe provides them everything they need, good or bad, all the tools, so I am not needed. This “biz” is only between them and the Universe. And I don´t get involved anymore. My job on this planet is to heal myself, that´s my job. I offer my teaching to others, but I do not follow up with them if they took my advice or not. Those who wants to heal, they will put the hard work into it and those who does not want to heal, nobody can push them to do so. Healing is a very personal decision that we all have to decide for our own selves, nobody can decide anything for us. And karma has its job too. Everybody should know their job role. Even I was angry to some people who did me dirty in the past, I still decided to back off because I prefer the karma to do the punishment instead of me. I am not that arrogant to think that I am more powerful than G0d. I don´t want to mess up my own good karma for bad karma of someone else. Also, it´s very freeing to be free of other´s burdens knowing that G0d takes care of everything so I can be free.
84-85
I remember that once I was sick in hospital. They took my appendix out and my bl00d pressure went rapidly down so they had to put me on extra infusions, it felt like I am going to die. I only remember flashes because I was going in and out of unconsciousness. For some reason, I don´t know why, my body did not take the surgery well. On top of that, the hospital was like a butcher shop, so I have got some infection on top of that. And do you think that my biological father called me? Or took care of me afterwards? Or do you think that someone from my narcissistic family came to visit me? None of them sent me at least a damn message to wish me well, they completely ignored me. I was in that hospital alone and I was only a teenager. Only my mother came to visit me. I took care of everybody. And now I am standing here alone. People only call me when they want something from me or to abuse me.
86
Shizzz is very disappointing. After the narcissists were done with me in my life, I only felt used and very heartbroken. My heart was broken into million pieces. But also, after my downfall, when everybody showed me their true face, I felt somehow freed and able to walk away from all shizzz to finally live my life for the first time in my life because we all could not pretend this shizzz show anymore. They could not pretend anymore they care(d) and once I realized they do not care and in fact, they never cared, I was able to walk away without any guilt (no more f….ing toxic guilt!), I closed the door and I never gave a shitzzz about any of them ever since. Reject, delete, block, bye. It´s very freeing to be finally my own person. It feels so good to have this space when I can finally take care of myself properly. I never realized how time consuming the narcissists were in my life with the constant seeking of toxic attention from me. Once I gave them all my time, all my attention, all my energy, I did not have the time, space, energy and attention to pay to my own self and my own well-being. And my well-being was struggling A BIG TIME!!! My life felt apart, multiple times, my health became fragile, my immunity crumbled down big times, my nervous system was constantly on fire from the constant narcissistic BS. The narcissists devour you whole. I can finally follow my dreams after I sacrificed many of my dreams for the narcissists. My downfall was one of the most painful experiences of my life but also, I feel somehow freed. Freed from people who were hating on me while pretending to love me and pretending to be my friends and family. Freed from vampiric people who were glued on my back like a backpack full of heavy stones. Getting rid of them felt like I lost a lot of stones from my back and now I can walk easier. I do believe that it was G0d who orchestrated my downfall to take me out from all situations with the narcissists. G0d could not watch this shizzz show anymore. G0d could not watch his child to be abused, used, betrayed and attacked from each side anymore.
87
Back then, I could not see clearly. I could not see the truth through the manipulations, lies and manufactured confusion, but G0d saw everything. G0d saw behind the corner. G0d saw behind my back. And G0d decided to put down to sleep my old life so I can raise from my own ashes, heal, and start my new life. This time, the life I deserve. The life full of healthy energies, truth, light, enlightenment, full of clarity and sanity. It took me years to realize that my downfall was a form of blessing, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Today, I have zero regrets. I can´t imagine going back to my old life, to my old self, to people from my past anymore. It´s not my reality anymore. My downfall was a G0d´s way of protecting me and redirecting me for better.
88
My downfall was so extremely painful but at the same time, I can´t even imagine where I would be today if the Universe did not redirect me on the right path. Probably, I would be still dating abusers and being a punching bag for my narcissistic family. I don´t miss that shizzz at all. G0d will always protect you but being under his wings is voluntary. G0d can only protect you if you are under his wings. The moment you use your own will to walk away from under his protective wings, you are on your own. Then, whoever you chose to protect you instead of G0d, is now being responsible for your protection. But guess what. Majority of people will drop you like a bag of potato and soon you will realize, again and again, that you did this mistake of not putting G0d first.
89
The last time I saw my biological father was when he gave me a ride home from the toxic visit at his home and he literary tried to kiss me in his car. But not in a normal way but with a french kiss on my lips! I was so shocked that I pushed him away and I ran away. He tried to do some inc3st voodoo on me. That was the last time I saw him in person. Is at least someone normal in our family? Or everybody is just d3monic and f….ed up? The narcissism is formed in narcissists by narcissistic abuse by their toxic parents. The narcissists are creating more and more narcissists. But sometimes, the narcissism is being formed in narcissists because their parents overly spoiled their children. Actually, overly spoiling a child is a form of abuse. And I believe that this is the case of my biological father. My biological grandmother was the most kindhearted person on this planet (my ultimate soulmate) but sadly, she could not get pregnant for many years due to her health issues with her thyroid. Her dream was to have a baby and she was praying many years until her prayers were heard and my biological father was born. She was pretty old when my father was born. He was her only child. And that´s why he is such an entitled spoiled brat who feels that if he enters a room with 20 people, all those 20 people exist on this planet only to rotate around his spoiled toxic ass and serve him. He is that type of person who enters the room and suck all people out of their light and life and expect all people to be only the tools to serve his wants and needs and he feels like he does not need to take care of anything and anybody. He literary devouring people like a vulture, just like all narcissists do. On top of that, he was spoiled by my biological auntie too because my auntie had the same health issues as my grandma and just like my grandma, she also had a problem to get pregnant. One day, her prayers were also heard, and she have got pregnant, also in a higher age. She gave a birth to her twins. Unfortunately, they both died shortly after they have been born. I believe that this hurt my auntie badly. So, my father was basically taking an advantage of two very vulnerable women who were overly spoiling him, and this is the result. My biological father is an entitled spoiled brat, absolutely self-absorbed and utterly selfish ugly creature who is always running around exploiting people, constantly throwing people under the bus, burning all the bridges and leaving nothing just a bitter taste in everybody´s mouth. My biological father is a low value man.
90
Inc3st in our family is nothing new. In many shapes and forms. The narcissistic mothers practice emotional incest on their golden child sons. I noticed this disordered pattern many times with the narcissists I had in my life. First with my mother. My mother had many failed toxic romantic relationships, so I always felt like she was compensating this inability to have a healthy romantic relationship with men with overly clinging to my brother in an unhealthy way. She was spoiling him with attention, gifts and money. The narcissism in him was formed by crossing his boundaries with spoiling him. She was always on his ass. She did not let him to breath. I sometimes feel like she treated him more like her husband than like her son. My mother is an extr3mist – she was overly taking care of her golden child son while she was overly dismissive of me as her scapegoat daughter. I noticed that the narcissistic mothers are practicing an emotional inc3st on their sons and they hate and envy their daughters. Another emotional inc3st I witnessed was the weird relationship my second narcissistic BPD ex had with his mother. She was jealous about me dating her son which I found very strange. If I slept over at their place and me and my ex were in bed together, she would just furiously enter the room without knocking on the door in the middle of the night pretending like she is searching for something very important in the room while me and my ex were naked and being intimate. My ex literary excused himself and apologized to me afterwards, he told me that now when his mother saw his “pepe” he just can´t get hard again. She was purposely sabotaging our intimate life and also sabotaging our relationship with constantly trying to bring some manufactured conflict between me and my ex. Then she would sit on her ass on the couch eating popcorn watching us arguing. With a smirk on her face. She was treating him almost like he is her husband. The dynamic between them at home was reminding me of a dynamic between a married couple. My ex was very clingy to his mother in a very strange excessive way. He was older than me, he was approaching 40s so it´s really not an appropriate age anymore to be glued on his mother´s skirt 24/7. My ex never went through a healthy separation process from his mother which is appropriate, required and standard to happen in a certain young age of children. The narcissistic mothers just don´t allow their kids to individuate and separate from them. The narcissistic mothers either parentify or infantilize their kids. This way the kids become forever imprisoned in their narcissistic mother´s cages. If a man does not separate from his mother at a young age, it will create a very sick and twisted dynamic later in their lives. Narcissistic parents often sabotage careers, relationships, independence of their kids so the kids are forever depended on resources, approval, and existence on their toxic parents. The narcissistic parents are controlling, and they do not allow the kids to separate. The toxic parents want their kids to be in their cage forever, they want their kids to be under their full control. At the same time, the narcissistic parents will blame and criticize the kids for being “useless”, even it´s their toxic parenting that destroyed their kid’s confidence and opportunities so of course, in the end, their kids failed. It´s a very vicious and cruel dynamic where the narcissistic parents cut off the kid’s hands and then blame the kids for not having the hands and not using the hands to create something. A lot of times when me and my narcissistic ex were going grocery shopping, going to post office or on some trip, he would take his mother with us. It was very annoying for me when he wanted to take his mother everywhere we went. It was always three of us. Plus, side chicks. For me, it started to feel very overcrowded in this relationship.
91-92
I was triangulated basically with everything and everybody to the point where I felt everything and everybody was his priority, except me. He always wanted me to compete for him like he is a prize while he was a piece of shizzz. He has got angry only with the idea of his mother dating men. He said that no other man than him will ever cross over the threshold of their home. His covert narcissistic mother remained single just to avoid his anger. But I don´t think she would date anyway because she already had a husband at home – her son. He hated women, she hated men, so they had a very twisted relationship with each other. I often felt that we reversed the job roles. I felt like my ex assigned me the job role of being his mother and he was treating his mother almost like she was his girlfriend. I definitely did not feel like a girlfriend in this relationship, I felt like a parent figure. His mother was "a bad mother" so when he met me, he saw me as his "good mother" and he assigned me the role to be his mother, to take care of him and pamper him the way his "bad mother" never did. He turned me into his mother against my will and everytime I would "fail" this role, he would be angry to me not being "the good mother". There are many toxic reasons why we broke up but one of those reasons was that I was tired of being a third wheel in our creepy triangle. He was trying to make me jealous about his side chicks, but he also tried to make me jealous and compete with his mother. He was definitely “a mummy boy”. He hated his mother with a passion (and because he hated his mother, he was taking his hate also on other women in his life), they constantly argued but at the same time, he never wanted to leave his toxic mother when I suggested him to do so. He is over 40 years old and he still lives with his mother. This is not normal. My first covert narcissistic ex was also “a mummy boy”. When he met me, he was living with his mommy and once I “adopted” him, he moved in into my home on my property right from under his mommy´s wings. He never built anything for himself. He was just running around and using all women in his life. His mummy cooked for him, I bought a property for him, his side chick gave him Visa. Boy knows how to use his girls…. My covert narcissistic mother in law was always putting her toxic nose into my “business”. She was always trying to take control of my own household and always putting her claws deep into my ex boyfriend. Even she never contributed to my household with any money, she was constantly criticizing me for every little thing trying to be always in control of everything. Mind you, I bought my first apartment when I was only 20 something. I was on my own from very early age. So, I knew how to take care of myself and my “business”. Especially when you don´t contribute a shizzz to a household of other woman, at least just shut the fff up and get out of the way. Don´t control my household that you never contributed to create! You never contributed one cent to my household! There is an unwritten rule with us women that there can be only one queen in the castle. And she tried to overtake my castle. Two queens in one castle always ends up in w///ar.
93
At that time, my first narcissistic ex was working abroad. Once he came home from abroad, he had a bag full of his dirty laundry. When I wanted to wash his clothes, he refused. He literary took that bag full of dirty laundry to his mother´s home saying that his mummy will wash his clothes. Mind you, I had my own washing machine and because I was on my own since early age, I know very well how to wash clothes. I did not need his mother´s assistance. I am not r3tarded. It came to the point I completely resigned with anything in my own household. His mother was devouring me, and I became sad and depressed because of this toxic dynamic. I hated her and she hated me. My ex did not respect me as his woman, he was always overly clingy to his mother. I could not make anything right because “his mummy does it better”. He or my ex toxic mother in law, they had zero patience with me, they never gave me a chance to be a wife and a Queen in my own castle. And mind you, I was just 20 something so I guess to add some little extra compassion and patience should be appropriate. This never happened. I was just a young girl trying my best, on top of that I did not have any parents to guide so I had to navigate through life alone. My narcissistic mother-in-law was very cold and cruel towards me, never missed any chance (and I mean ANY) to put me down, to criticize me, to devour me. In her eyes, I could not make anything right no matter how hard I tried. And I tried hard. You know you are being abused when you cut yourself into million pieces to satisfy somebody and you just can´t satisfy them no matter how hard you try. The harder you try, the more they put you down. With the narcissistic mothers in law, you are set for a failure from the get-go. Save yourself nerves, energy and time, you will never get there no matter how hard you try. It´s not your fault. I remember I always tried my hardest with my step father too. I was literary one of the best students at school and he never appreciated me, he never said once “Hey lady, good job”. He was quick to harshly criticize me for every little shizzz but when I did something right or something really worth acknowledgment, my toxic parents never acknowledged my success or talents. One summer, I came home from school. It was the last day at school before the summer holidays. I was very tired because of course, my toxic parents argued at night, so I did not get too much sleep. So, the moment I arrived home, I went straight to my room, and I went to my bed to sleep. I felt asleep hard. Suddenly, my step father opened the door on my room in an aggressive way and without knocking that I almost got a legit heart attack. He ran towards me, he punched me for no reason and he started to scream at me: “Don´t pretend you sleep!” I did not pretend anything, I was really sleeping. I slept so deep that I did not hear that my parents were arguing (again). He continued: “Show me your certificate!” I am not a native speaker, so I am not sure how to translate this correctly but by certificate I mean the document you get at school once a year. It´s basically a summary of how good you were doing the whole year at school. My certificate was pretty impressive. I was one of the best students at school. I don´t know how the school system is working in your country but in mine, if you get 1, that´s the best results you can have and if you get 5, it´s the worst results you can have. I had 1 from top to bottom on my certificate. Literary. My narcissistic step father just looked at that certificate, he went quiet, then he threw my certificate on the floor and left my room without a word. And this is how I was “appreciated” for my good results and talents in my family. On regular. Now you know where my OCD and perfectionism is coming from. No matter how hard I tried in my childhood, it was never good enough. I felt like when my results are “only” 99% that I am horribly failing. The end of the world. Even when I achieved 100%, I always had this weird feeling like it´s not enough and I should do it better. Tho, as I was developing self-love, it helped me greatly to decrease the harsh inner critique and I finally stopped abusing my own self. I learnt how to be nicer and kinder to my own self.
94-96
There are many ways how the narcissists crossing your s3xual boundaries. Actually, the narcissists don´t do boundaries. They can´t even comprehend such a concept. Our home was over s3xualized since I was a little kid. My narcissistic mother was promiscuous, and she was bringing her new toxic narcissistic boyfriends to our home. Since childhood, I never experienced my mother to be single at least for a while. Her relationships with men always overlapped. She was jumping from relationship to relationship without any time of being single. Her boyfriends were all narcissists and they have been even more toxic than she is. My mother would enter a living room half naked (I mean, with a naked chest) while me, my brother and her boyfriend were watching TV. She is a queen of creating awkward, shocking, inappropriate, and uncomfortable situations. She is completely unable to recognize at least some boundaries. She is a pathological attention seeker. The narcissists do anything to get the attention and emotional reaction out of you. No matter how bizarre shocking behavior they have to pull out on you. In their eyes, the more shocking, the better, because it brings them more narcissistic supply (the attention). Once my step father moved into our home, that time I barely knew him, he took a shower with open doors. Do I really need to see some stranger´s nuts? He was walking through our home naked. My step father was a narcissist and once he got drunk, he came home in the middle of the night, and he was watching p000rn. He increased the sound on the TV to the maximum so he would wake up our family in such a disgusting way. He did it on purpose. The narcissists purposely annoy you even in the middle of the night and deprive you of sleep as a bullying and control tactic. I experienced this often with the narcissists. They do not let you sleep. Every-time you have an important exam at school, they will do anything to distract you and not let you be at peace to study. They purposely wake you up in the middle of the night just to argue about some nonsense that does not even make sense just to keep you awake, even they know that you have to wake up early in the morning and show up for your job. They will wake you up at 3 AM just to demand s3x with you and they will keep you awake till 7 AM with that s3x. Even they know very well that you have to wake up early in the morning because you have some important meeting at work and you really need to be fresh and focused. They want you to be sleepy, tired and exhausted so you fail at things that are important for you. Interesting how the narcissists withhold the s3x from you as a control tactic for months and then suddenly they want to be overly intimate with you when they know that you really need the sleep because you have something important going on for you the next day. Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. It is a manipulative tactic. Physical inc3st and m0lestation is nothing new in narcissistic household either. If you have kids, and you share the same household with the narcissists, keep an extra eye on your kids because the narcissists don´t understand boundaries, so they will s3xually abuse even little kids, even their own kids! I went through it, so I know it very well. When I was a kid, my step grandfather m0lested me. My step grandmother and step grandfather were both heavy alcoholics and once they have got drunk, and we went sleep, he would try to sneak into my bed and touch me. I always managed to run away and hide. Sometimes, he would search for me in the darkness chasing me through their house. Once, I was hiding under the table till the dawn. I returned to my bed after I was sure he fell asleep. It was even more traumatic when the next day, they both would not remember anything that happened the night before. Can you imagine someone m0lesting you and the next day this person just pretends nothing happened because he most probably not even remembers what he was doing? He was acting all nice towards me the next day. It was messing with my head. Holidays spent at their house were he11. They were nonstop drunk. My brother told me that once my step grandmother was that drunk that she was cutting the slices of bread and she accidentally cut her finger, but she continued to cut that bread anyway so in the end, the dinner ended up being a bread covered in blood, most probably with some butter and cheese or whatever. Bon appetite. Everybody in our crazy family knew we have a s3xual predator in our family, but everybody was ignoring it on purpose pretending that we are a perfect family. Even my mother knew it because I told her. She told me that once she was left alone with him in a room and he tried to kiss her. I was often forced by my mother to go for the holidays to my step grandparents or to visit them for family lunch. Can you imagine to sit behind the table with a person who m0lested you and eat some ffff….ucking soup pretending like we are a perfect family? And everybody was acting like shizzz is normal. And acting like I am some type of a crazy person and a troublemaker when I tried to pinpoint the abuse to my mother.
97
Sometimes I feel like my mother was putting me in the situations where she knew I will be abused on purpose. She knew that the abusers were abusive, but she would give me into the hands of those abusers anyway. She wanted me to get traumatized. On purpose. And of course, I have got traumatized big times and then she would be twisting the reality making me the messed up one who is crazy and fragile. If you wonder how abandonment issues and trust issues are being formed in kids, this is how. My mother would just give me into the hands of whatever people. Into the hands of some stranger such as secretary that her husband was cheating on her with, she would let me wait in front of the grocery store while I was too little for that and I almost have got kidnapped by some old men who tried to lure me into his hands, she would give me in the hands of her narcissistic mother for holidays even she grew up with our grandmother so she knew very well that this black mag_ic biaaatch was a wicked narcissist and she will abuse me just like she abused my mum when she was a kid, she would give me into the hands of my step grandparents even she knew that they were both toxic heavy alcoholics and I even told her that my step grandfather m0lested me. She was purposely putting me in the situations where she knew I will be abused.
98
I guess I realized that there is something strange and not right with my mother when I traveled with our family friends for a vacation and for some reason, my parents did not go with us. It was just me and the family of our friends. We were chilling on the beach when suddenly, we heard a couple speaking our language, so we somehow ended up with them on that beach. I went into the sea and the man followed me. He was very nice. But suddenly, I noticed that he is somehow trying to take me deeper into the sea. And once we were too far from the shore, he started touching me and he tried to molest me. I kicked him and swam away from him. I guess, he was very surprised that I am such a good swimmer. My parents were toxic as ffff but I have to give them at least the credit for teaching me few sports at extremely young age, including swimming. So, I guess he was surprised when I managed to get away from him pretty fast. As soon as I arrived at the shore, I told my auntie what happened to me in the water. And damn, she became so furious. The moment the man came out of the water, she was screaming at him, and she did such a scene that I felt like she is going to “murd3er” him. She did not let the shizzz slide. And that´s when I realized that there is something wrong with my mother. She never stood up for me at all. Never. She would just let my step grandfather to molest me, whatever people abuse me, and she never had a pinch of reaction to none of that.
99
Continue to read my story of My ScapeGOAT Diary series HERE - Part 5.
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