As a child, I felt so unsaved most of the time trying to protect myself from my own family, people who supposed to protect me and love me, but instead of that, they have been my biggest enemy. It took me years of healing to start to trust my own self. I was so deeply traumatized, and I was acting out my trauma, especially in my teenage years. When I look back on my teenage years, I feel like that period of time was the just one big wtf. It was just one big mess. It became unbearable for me. One day, as a teenager, I have got drunk, and I wanted to “un-alive” myself and I cut my wrist. I did not really want to di3, I just wanted the pain to go away. As you can see, I am still alive so obviously my attempt was not successful.
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Tho, I came home that day, my hand was covered in bl00d, I entered the foyer while my mum was sitting on the couch watching TV. We did not have doors on our living room, so she saw me, and she even looked at my hand. Zero emotion or reaction. She was like a cold robot. There is something robotic about the narcissists. Like … someone switches their empathy on and off the same way as we are switching on and off the light in the room. And once they switch off their empathy, they become just the cold robots. I tried to speak to her about what was heavy for me. Her reaction was that she increased the sound on the TV on the maximum, so she does not need to hear me. She turned her head back to TV and she completely ignored me. The narcissists will always take your voice away from you. They will shut you down and you become completely voiceless. She was using this “ignoring tactic” often. Once, we were sitting at the gas station in the middle of the mountains having our lunch. We were on our way to see an ice cave. I tried to open some deep conversation. I could see that she started to feel very uncomfortable with it right after my first sentences. She started to look around like she was waiting for something to save her from me. Suddenly, she pointed her finger into the forest, and she said: “Look, look!” When I turned around to see what she was pointing her finger at, I saw nothing. There was nothing. She just tried to distract me to end the discussion. The narcissists are shallow empty individuals, and they lack emotional intelligence, so they are not capable to have a deep conversation with you. I learnt pretty fast in a very young age that my mother is not the right person to discuss my emotions and feelings with. It would get dismissed. I guess that the most damaging thing she, as a narcissist, did to me is the constant invalidation, withholding and silent treatments. I remember that it used to drive me literary crazy when my mother has got so cold and ignored me. I always wanted to scream at her: why you don´t see me, why you don´t hear me, why you don´t love me, why you hate me???
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I grew up in a ghetto so on top of growing up in a very unloving toxic home, I was dealing with a bunch of stuff in the streets too. I went through few d3aths of my friends that screwed me up, kids were ending their lives (either on purpose or for example with accidental overdoses), they were ending on drugs, alc0hol, there were some vi0lence, you name it, I saw it and survived it all. My teenage years were very chaotic, I feel like everything was happening all the time. I felt chaos inside of me and outside of me too.
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In my teenage years, I felt like nobody cared for me and about me. I did not get the appropriate help with my spiraling mental health issues, so I started to self-medicate with drugs. I used to be an excellent student. I was studying and hustling to make money. I had my shizzz together already in a very young age. There were times in my teenage years when I was making more money than adult women with full time jobs. I always had multiple incomes. I would work in restaurants and hotels as a waitress and barmaid during the week and weekends and I still found time for side jobs and paid creative projects such as creative artsy photo-shoots as a hobby photographer or creating flyers for DJs and rappers as a digital artist. But I have got involved with all kind of wrong people. I spent a portion of my teenage years in the streets of ghetto, partying wild at techno parties, punk concerts and using drugs to forget about the toxic BS in my life.
Youtube song Solange – Cranes In The Sky
Youtube song Rihanna - What Now
Until one day, I woke up and decided to change my life. And I did the 360. Tho, it took me one accidental drug overdose to come to this conclusion. My mother found me and my friend too high at home and our mothers took us to the hospital. I don´t remember much, I remember a doctor pointing some battery into my eyes and the flashes of lights from that battery were blinding me. I also remember that I was forced to pee on the toilet into some plastic cup with the doors open while my mother was watching me peeing making sure I did not cheat with the pee. I also remember that my heart was beating so fast that it felt like I am going to have a heart failure any minute. My head felt like it is above to explode. I was praying to G0d and I promised that if He gets me out of this hospital alive, I will never touch the drugs again. And I kept the promise. Tho, the real thing that saved my life was art. Thanks art for saving my life. Again and again and again in my life. I would not be here if art was not saving me all the time from horror of existence. I love you art.
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After I was discarded by my first narcissistic ex, I did the mistake of not taking time to heal myself and I jumped right away into a relationship with my second narcissistic ex who was was a narcissistic borderline.
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We trauma bonded right away. Our relationship was built based on s3x. If the s3x was being removed from our relationship, there would be no solid foundation to keep us together for more than one week. I was wondering why we have been so s3xully attracted to each other and after years into my healing journey and tons of research on trauma, I found the answer. We have been two very traumatized people who bonded not through love but through our traumas. We both have been s3xually abused as children and that´s because we connected through our s3xual traumas. My ex was rap3d by his own father when he was around 6 years old and he continued to be s3xually abused until he was around 16. I was m0lested by my step grandfather when I was a child, and I had a lot of other s3xual traumas stuck in my system.
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Also, we both grew up in a very toxic broken homes with narcissistic family and we both have been scapegoats of our families. Our traumas were carrying the same information thus our wounds were energetic match for each other and that´s why I energetically attracted him into my life. We are always subconsciously drawn to people who remind us about our toxic parents, our toxic family dynamics or in general, when our type of trauma is an energetic match to the trauma of the other person. Our wounds are our karmic lessons and in order to heal our wounds, the Universe will always send us someone to help us to acknowledge our wounds and heal them. Usually, those people sent to your life who help you and assist you with healing your wounds are karmics / narcissists. Some people call the blind attraction and blind love “wearing the pink glasses” but I would like to correct this saying to “wearing the trauma glasses”. Once you put the trauma glasses on, you can´t see clearly. You confuse love with trauma. People who are trauma bonded are not connecting through love, they are connecting through their trauma. That´s why it is being called “trauma bond”, I guess the name is pretty explanatory. Trauma bond is "a trauma on trauma action".
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Trauma bond has nothing to do with true love. You know that you are bonding with someone through love when the love is not painful. If you experience a painful relationship with someone, you are projecting the traumas on each other and acting out your disordered attachment styles. And that´s why the experience is so painful. Your trauma is clashing with the trauma of the other person. I always shake my head when I read articles on the internet about “cutting the energetic cords” or “breaking the soul ties”. Guys, it´s a BS. There is no “spell” that can free you from the “soul ties”. Because what you are really experiencing is a trauma bond. Heal your trauma and the trauma bond will disappear. Simple as that. Free yourself by healing your wounds. That´s the only way out of a trauma bond. When you are experiencing a trauma bond, what is really happening is that you are traumatized, and you meet someone who is also traumatized, and you mutually bond through your traumas. The more you heal your traumas, the more the addiction to your abuser will decrease. Once you heal your trauma fully, the addiction and the intense energy you feel towards your abuser will completely disappear.
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Everything is about energy. If you want to “get rid off” the narcissists in your life, you must do it on an energetic level by healing your wounds because your wounds carry a certain energy and when you meet your abuser, your sick energy matches with their sick energy. Just because you are sick does not mean you are a bad person. You can be sick simply because you have been wounded as a child and you have been wrongly programmed with wrong belief systems in your childhood. You and your abuser are both sick and you energetically magnetize each other. Wounds work like energetic magnets. Imagine your wounds to be a magnet and imagine the narcissist´s wounds to be a magnet too. If your wounds are an energetic match to the wounds of your abuser, your energies will feel pull towards each other just like two regular magnets feel the energetic pull towards each other. I remember years ago, I was blaming only my two narcissistic exes for the pain and mess I found myself in. I thought that they are sick, and I am the Unicorn farting the rainbows but today I know that I was sick too. Otherwise, I would not be the energetic match to them and I would not be able to attract them into my life. I was full of wounds from my childhood because I experienced a narcissistic abuse as a child and this energy I was carrying since the childhood was magnetizing to me the narcissists who were just “an echo” of my toxic childhood. When you are wounded and you don´t put the work into healing your wounds, you will be stuck in a loop of repeating the same experiences over and over again. It will feel like you live the same day every day. You will attract the same type of people over and over again. Like a broken record. I healed my traumas, thus I feel nothing towards my abusers today. I don´t love them, I don´t hate them, I don´t miss them, I don´t think about them (unless I create educational materials for you, guys, but I am healed to the point I don´t attach any emotions to talking about my past), I don´t feel any “shared energy” with them. You can really test how much you are healthy or how much you healed only when you enter a relationship with some close person. Because only when you come very close to someone, that´s when your disordered attachment style will get triggered, and it will come out. You can be single for 20 years thinking how healed and peaceful you are, only to realize when you start dating after such a long time, that you are actually unhealed. Your close relationships with people will be always your best barometer to measure the amount of work you did on healing your trauma. Since I healed most of my traumas (tho, I still have some work to be done but “the worst is already behind me” and I am somewhere in the last stage of healing), I noticed that I don´t meet narcissists that often anymore. In the past, I felt like every person I meet is a narcissist. I was wondering for myself: “Are there some empaths out there or I am the only empath on this planet?”. But once I healed myself, I was attracting less and less narcissists and more and more “normal people”.
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When I met my NPD BPD ex, we did not connect through our hearts, we connected through our wounds and damn, it was a cowboy rodeo. Cognitively and rationally, I knew this person is not good for me and he is hurting me. Tho, I had such massive traumas in me that those traumas always magnetized me back to him. I was addicted to him on a s3xual level. He was emotionally unavailable so talking about some romanticized emotional bond is waste of our time here. My narcissistic ex was a typical ghetto bad boy full of testosterone, big muscles, and tattoos. He was a fu_ckboy type. This type of boys take care of them because body is actually the only thing they can offer to you. This type of boys use their bodies to lure you into the relationship and then turn you into their slaver, assistant, mummy and daddy, ATM and a free psychiatrist. You become their mum because they expect you to nurture them but at the same time, you become also their daddy because they expect you to take care of them (build home for them, pay the bills, etc.). They are very manipulative. Boy was a typical dramatic BPD. People always say: "You women are so dramatic". Well, then you never dated a BPD boy. We broke up several times. His bad mental health was accompanied with an addiction to alc0hol and this combination was making him often unstable and out of control. And me, as “ an old good codependent”, I was running right behind his toxic ass shouting “Baby, I can fix you!” I put my entire life aside and I made a project out of fixing this troubled man. His bad mental health was destroying my mental health. His narcissistic personality disorder perfectly matched with my codependent personality disorder. Two puzzles who perfectly fit together. Match made in he11. Years later, I realized that he was actually a carbon copy of my narcissistic step father and I was repeating the whole dynamic with him that I used to have with my step father. He was acting like him, he made me feel the same way, he made me act around him the same way, he was sick like him, he was abusive like him, he was alcoholic like him, he even used phrases like him, he had the same energy like him. They even looked alike. It´s scary how our subconsciousness works. My ex was like a mirror to my wounds reflecting back to me my entire toxic childhood. I was running my whole life (until I healed my traumas) on autopilot recycling my traumas and wrong belief systems like a broken record. Every man I ever dated felt to me like I either dated my own covert narcissistic mother or my overt narcissistic step father. I dated my own toxic childhood and my toxic parents through men.
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My narcissistic BPD ex would often be trying to isolate me from other people. I did not realize this until the relationship ended and I was left with no friends. Basically, I was left with nobody and no support system. He was suffering from severe paranoia, so his brain was working in a very negative and hostile way. He was always paranoid and suspicious of everything and everybody. No amount of re-assurance and transparency from my side would calm him down or to make him less paranoid. It was very draining for me to constantly trying to “prove” myself, my worthiness, my loyalty to him. The BPD people believe they are unlovable so trying to convince my BPD ex that I loved him had zero effect. He would get drunk, come home, wake me up in the middle of the night just to repeat 70 times “I know you will leave me”. He had severe abandonment issues and he always thought that I will leave him so he was discarding me often out of fear I will leave him first, even I did not plan to leave him. He was constantly pushing me away, then he was angry when I left. Come here, go away, up, down, hot, cold, I love you, I hate you. On repeat. He was always playing mind games with me and it had severely negative impact on my mental health. He would often gaslight me and I felt like he is turning my brain into the scrambled eggs. Sometimes I felt like he was switching between multiple personalities. I never knew what person out of his 20 personalities will come out that day or night. Often, he would be so normal and sane for two hours and then suddenly, out of nowhere, he would switch and became crazy, toxic and insane. He was often suffering from memory loss which made him very
unpredictable and dangerous because he would do something and then he
would not remember it. In the end of this relationship, I was scared. He was acting out of control and then telling me that he did not remember anything. And I believed him. I guess the deep trauma and alcoh0lism was causing him memory loss often. I was afraid that one day he will go nuts and do something to me and not even remember that.
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It felt like he is constantly “testing” me and I must constantly defend myself for no reason. I felt like a criminal, even I never did anything bad. I am literary “the most boring girlfriend” on the planet in some sense because I don´t use social medias unless it´s something business related, or I use it for staying in touch with my closest small circle of friends. I am barely on my phone because I prefer the real life. I have too many activities going on in my life, I don´t have time for some shizzzz. If I am on the internet, it´s usually for following my favorite artists, favorite spiritual teachers, good music and things of that nature. I don´t spend my time with endlessly scrolling through social medias, I don´t give a ffff. It would bore my intellect to d3ath. I never in my life was texting with strangers or whatever men on the internet. No stranger is going to make it into my friend list in my personal account in the first place. I am a private person and I protect my privacy. I have a small circle of trusted “my people” and that´s enough for me (the typical introvert here). I never cheated on any of my boyfriends. I never did anybody dirty, I never fuck…ed up or over fuck…ed anybody in my life. I am brutally honest, I don´t give a three flying fff about what people think about me so I don´t need to come up with lies or confusions, I just say exactly whatever I want to say. With me, you get exactly what you see. I am the same in public as I am at home behind the closed doors. So, him constantly accusing me of things I never did and practicing all kind of mental acrobatics on me was very draining. It was driving me nuts. I only wanted my peace. Which you will never find if you are in any relationship with cluster B individuals. He was always double checking after me, always checking my phone, going through my stuff in my wardrobe, going through my bags. I could not call my mother because he would be nervous after 3 minutes of me being on the call with her. After I will be finishig the call, he would be asking me what my mother said about him and accusing me of talking badly behind his back with my mother. When I called his mother to wish her a happy Bday, he asked me what exactly we were talking about with his mother, he was being paranoid that we were plotting behind his back. As all girls, I wanted to have a good relationship with the mother of my boyfriend, but my ex was jealous of the attention his mother was giving me or the attention I was giving to her. It took me some time to realize that the narcissists and borderlines are underdeveloped and emotionally stunted on the level of kids, so they see jealousy differently than normal people do. They see jealousy more like the little kids who are playing on the playground - always fighting for the attention of their friends and trying to “win” the friendships over the other kids in the group, always trying to “steal” the friends from the other kids and get rid of their “competition” and “enemies”. Dealing with the NPD BPD individuals reminds me of a high school drama. Who said what, who is with who, who is against who. It´s pathetic, childish, and draining. It´s extremely draining and exhausting to be around the individuals who suffer from the cluster B personality disorders. And traumatic. Once both of my narcissistic exes were finished with me, it felt like something literary sucked the life out of me. And I needed a therapist. Imagine the level of toxicity someone has to possess for you to end up in therapy because of them. How toxic you must be to push someone into a clinical depression or on the verge of a suicid3? You must be toxic as ffff. You know you are with the wrong people when your life goes downhill right after you meet them. What does it say about these people? That they are toxic as ffff. My NPD BPD ex was not jealous only towards other men, he was jealous about any attention that was given to me by other people, no matter if they were men or women, children or pets, coworkers or strangers, this or that. The NPD BPD individuals feel jealousy in a very childish way. They are so emotionally stunted that I am not even sure if they are capable to feel about jealousy in a romantic or s3xual way. I feel like they purely experience the jealousy in a childish way, just like all little kids do. They are jealous of any attention you are getting from no matter who because the point is that the attention is not on them 24/7 and you are stealing their “spotlight”. He was trying to triangulate me even with his dog. He was withholding the attention from me treating me coldly and giving me the silent treatment out of nowhere while he was giving an excessive attention and warm cuddles to his dog right in front of me trying to make me jealous about his dog. He even tried to make me jealous of his activities. Once, he disappeared for a trip without letting me know that he is going somewhere. I woke up in the morning and he was gone. Then, he was sending me photos from that trip the entire day with comments such as how amazing the trip is, how the weather is beautiful, how the sun is shining, how he enjoys the trip. While he left me sitting at home alone. I don´t mind if my boyfriend wants to have some “me time” without me, but I would appreciate if he can tell me this in advance, so I can make my own plans for the weekend and I don´t end up sitting bored at home alone, especially when it´s a beautiful hot summer day. I am a very independent person so making my own plans is absolutely not a problem. I have lot of hobbies, lot of favorite activities, my biz, lot of projects, I can go out to do something fun to entertain myself. But he did it this way on purpose because he wanted me to be at home alone feeling miserable and he wanted to sadistically and purposely trigger “the envy” in me with his trip. The NPD BPD individuals love to brag a lot and they turn literary everything into a competition. They have the narcissistic grandiose disillusion that everybody is envious of them while in fact, it´s them who are pathologically envious of other people while most of the people literary don´t give a ffff about them. The narcissists project their own envy onto other people. I did not feel envious about his trip. But I felt hurt to be treated like a crap by my own boyfriend.
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I never feel envious towards other people being happy, having stuff, going places or having success. It´s not in my nature. The narcissists have to always win no matter how many people they hurt, betray and sacrifice in the process, and you have to always lose. If your brain is wired in a normal way, you can´t understand and comprehend their way of thinking because it´s so ridiculous and abnormal. They don´t play fair. They play a dirty game. When you mess with the narcissists, you always end up covered in blood, sweat, tears, poo, mud and bruises. It´s disgusting. These sick individuals just don´t know how to function in a normal decent way. It´s very unpleasant to be in their company. I never met a narcissist whose company I would enjoy. Usually, when I recognize a narcissist in my surrounding, my reflex is just to get the fff away from them as soon as possible, reject them, delete them and block them, because I don´t feel good being around them. They have very bad energy. They always cause some drama and literary force you and drag you into their drama. It´s exhausting for peaceful people like me. I can´t deal with this shizzz. The narcissists make people around them miserable. Who wants to spend time with someone who makes them miserable? Nobody. Another time, my narcissistic ex disappeared out of nowhere for the weekend for sleep over at his friend´s house. He did not bother to inform me this time either. It was a beautiful summer weekend and again, he left me home alone and miserable. He destroyed my whole weekend. Another one. He was purposely not answering my messages at least for the half of that day so I was not able to make my own plans for that day because I was confused about what is going on. He was purposely blocking me from “living my best life” and he was purposely making me miserable. The narcissists purposely do not cancel the plans they made with you, they just “leave you on read” and they just disappear making you feel confused about the whole situation. They don´t bother to cancel the plans with you like all normal decent humans would do, they just don´t show up and, in their eyes, this is alright. The toxic clowns. Or, if they do cancel the plans with you, they cancel them too late (like at 5 PM when you really can´t do that much anymore for that day). They don´t bother to inform you about the whereabouts so you are always confused if to wait for them or if you should go your own way. Then, he was sending me photos and videos from the swimming pool party with his friends jumping into the swimming pool, drinking, laughing and having a good time. And making me jealous about some chick that was there with them. The NPD BPD people triangulate you literary with anything - their job, hobbies, friends, family, lovers, exes, pets or traveling. Even with a movie character in TV. They will compare you to a cartoon character asking you why you don´t have such a beautiful hair or this big or small ass as the cartoon character. They will make you feel jealous or envious towards literary anything.
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But G0d forbid when I wanted to go by myself somewhere for just 30 minutes. I needed to go to mall, I needed to do some business-related activities and this mall was perfect because everything I needed was under one roof. And he made such a scene out of it. I went to the mall and after I was done with everything I came to do to there, I decided to buy myself an ice-cream, sit on the bench in the park, reading my new book I just bought in the bookstore, relaxing and enjoying the sun. My NPD BPD ex started blowing my phone every 5 minutes asking me when I will come back home. I literary had to go home right away because he was acting neurotic and erratic. Till I came home, he was already drunk, he was standing in the window and looking for me. Once he spotted me, he started to shout through the whole street: “Linda is coming home, Linda is coming home”. All people on the street were looking at me like I am an alien. Even attending events from my job was a problem. Once we had a summer BBQ event in park. Multiple teams from my job have got together and we finally had the opportunity to chill-out and talk also about something else than our job. He would blow my phone after one hour or less asking me to come home. I told him that I don´t do anything bad and I want to stay there to enjoy my day with my coworkers. On which he replied that he trusts me, but he does not trust the men who are on the BBQ event with me because some of them can f…ck me in the bushes. I could not believe what I was reading on the screen of my phone. A little bit later, his mother called me. She said that they are both sitting in the car waiting for me behind the corner and that her son is nervous as ffff. I left the event because I was worried that he would come to the event and make a scene or hurt some of my coworkers. The narcissist´s typical abuse tactic is to isolate you and they do it in so many ways. They don´t isolate you only from other people, they isolate you from your hobbies, from your joy, from your money, from your own soul, from your personality, they isolate you from life. The narcissists isolate you even from them. Why do you think you feel so lonely when you are in their presence and in relationship with them? You are with them, but you feel lonely anyway.
Youtube song: Madonna – Tragic Girl
The NPD BPD people are just empty vases without the flowers. And that´s exactly how you feel with them. They will empty you too if you hang around them long enough. Your flowers will gradually die until you will become only an empty vase just like them.
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I still remember how I became just a shell of a former self in both of the relationships with the narcissists. They completely emptied me and zombified me. Normal healthy people must have normal healthy interaction with normal healthy people, otherwise our mental health starts to struggle. What does it say about the narcissists that you start to feel clinically depressed being with them? That they are beyond shitt_y people to be around. I was introvert for many years. Only lately I am starting to realize that maybe I was never even the full-blown introvert. I was just traumatized by the narcissists, and my trauma was making me feel like I want to isolate from people. The more I am healing, the more I feel like I want to be around people. The narcissists lack of empathy so they are not the best company for talking to thus you will be more often quiet thinking that you are an introvert. I was surrounded by the narcissists many years and for all those years, I did not have anybody to communicate with, so I was mostly quiet. When I am around the right people, I am way more extroverted. I am the quietest around toxic people, people with bad energy, abusers and narcissists.
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When my second NPD BPD ex wanted to spend his free time with me, it was never out of love, it was only out of control and usery. Often, he wanted to keep me home like a prisoner to maintain the control over me and to isolate me from other people. If we went out, he always had to get something out of it. Usually, when he wanted to spend the time with me and to go out doing something, it was because he was bored and his other sources of supply were not available, I was “the second option” he had to “tolerate” out of necessity. His choices how to spend time with me were very calculative. Usually, he wanted to go out with me to eat because I always paid for everything. If he got some money once in “a million years”, he would literately go out to eat alone and left me home because he did not want to pay for me. And then he would send me pictures of him eating sushi with the comments how he is enjoying his day and how the sushi is wonderful. He often wanted to go for walk to the malls because I was paying for everything in every store we walked in. Or, he would take me to the hardware store just to look around but then I realized it was all planned and he took me there because he had a long list of stuff he wanted to buy there and he wanted me to pay for it. Once he took me to such a store just to buy some very expensive vacuum cleaner for few hundred of Euro and he manipulated me to pay for it. My country is very small and post-c0mmunistic so it´s not like America, monthly wage of someone who works in low paid job is around few hundred Euros so make your math. Bro was jobless but he was spending like he is a millionaire. He would be buying such a useless stuff just to drain me of my money. He would be using a manipulative tactics in stores to play my emotions like a violin with saying things like “This is so beautiful, we buy it, my mother will love you for this, my mother will absolutely love this, you will make my mother´s day with this” to make me constantly pay even for other people and feel bad about saying no. If I said “no”, he would punish me with a silent treatment and being angry to me, or he would tell me that I am stingy, and I am not going to take my money to the coffin. Which made me feel hurt because I was always a generous person and I was constantly spending money on him. But he was pumping me out of my money on a rapid speed, on top of that in times when I was still trying to recover from the financial abuse of my first narcissistic ex.
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If we went out with his friends, I paid all drinks for everybody and let me tell you something, going out to pay drinks for alcoholics is pricey. Basically, I was just his “walking wallet”. He would throw me like a garbage under the bus the moment he had better plans. He had zero empathy for me sitting at home alone and miserable. I was no longer needed so he just let me sit at home while he was living “his best life” making someone else to pay for him this time. The manipulators know their game very well. They manipulate the money out of you, you don´t even know how you end up paying for them. Once he found a side chick who paid for him something, and he sent me the screenshots of their conversation. He said something along the lines: “Look, you see what she paid for me?” Like he expected me to start competing with this woman for his toxic ass and for who can pay more for him. Forget about it, toxic bro. She can have you. I deserve way better. You are only a toxic burden to me. Toxic men are just a burden to every normal healthy woman. He always manipulated the situation the way where he obviously wanted me to chase him. You can recognize that someone is deeply insecure when they make you chase them. The narcissists love this chasing game. The narcissists also love when you beg them like a beggar. It´s a narcissistic supply for them. When you chase and beg them, you feed them with “a self-esteem juice”. The narcissists have pathologically low self-esteem so you chasing them and begging them is a great boost to their fragile ego. Once, he purposely manufactured an argument. It was clearly manufactured because there was not a real problem neither solution, it came out of nowhere for no reason. He was just a toxic BPD NPD individual, and he needed his doses of narcissistic supply like all vampires do. I was not his best supply because I ended that call real quick. He thought I am going to beg him and chase him like crazy. No way, bro. Next day, he called me with: “You don´t even try to make things right between us? You don´t even apologize?”. Bro, apologize for what??? I did nothing wrong. What exactly I should make right???? That you are fuc_ked up? Sorry bro, I can´t help with this one….
Youtube song: Rihanna – The Same Old Love
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He was so disgusting that while he was living his life, he purposely did not want me to live “my best life” so he was always sabotaging my own plans I made or wanted to make for my own self. He just could not stand to see me happy and having a good time. He made sure that any opportunity for me to enjoy my time must be ruined and destroyed. When I was doing something that made me happy or I was bettering myself, he would get envious and tried to put me down. He was constantly and purposely trying to make me miserable and keep me miserable. Once I told him that I want to go for a vacation to Mediterranean Sea. And what he did? In few hours, he sent me a screenshot of a map where he marked the route from our country to Mediterranean Sea explaining me how he will travel there solo by a car. Wow. These people are deeply mentally disturbed. It´s alarming. Once I told him that I want to start a video channel and create videos. He did not say anything on that. Literary the next day, he came to me and said: “Listen, I have such a great idea. I want to start a video channel and create videos”. I was just staring at him with an open mouth. When I asked him about what his videos will be about, he could not find any answer for it. Being with a narcissist is a next level of mindfuc_kery. They are constantly turning your brain into a mash potato. Nothing makes sense in NarcyLand and “they” will even try to gaslight you into thinking that you are an idi0t because you don´t understand their nonsense.
21
I was in a relationship with two narcissistic men and in both of those relationships I felt beyond miserable. Absolutely depressed. I wish I knew about narcissism and narcissistic abuse many years ago. It would save my life. It´s beyond sad how lack of knowledge on narcissism destroyed my life. Maybe that´s why I am so devoted to teach fellow empaths about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I made a life mission out of it. To warn the young generation about predators in our society so people don´t make the same mistakes I did in the past and to help older generation to heal from the abuse they went through so they can heal and repair their lives. No matter how talented I was, how big hustler I was, how kind I was, how intelligent I was, how skilled I was, how hard I tried in life, how logical I was, I did not have the right information on narcissistic abuse and it almost ki11ed me and it took everything from me. We have to teach narcissistic abuse already in high schools! The world is full of narcissists and normal people have to be aware of what they are dealing with. We teach our kids math, business and languages. But teaching them counting money will not help them much because even if they get out of the school and become millionaires, the moment they meet some narcissistic predators, no matter how intelligent they are, how skilled at business they are, no matter how good their business is running, they will be conned of everything, their money will be stolen from them, their businesses will be ruined for them, their houses they hustled hard for will be stolen from them. If me and my narcissistic ex did not go out and we stayed in, he would come up with “a to do list” for me dictating me what I should work on. Every single time he saw me chill out, he could not stand to see me relaxing and he was accusing me of being “lazy”. I am literary the last lazy person on this planet, I always hustle with something, so making me feel like I don´t do enough for him was making me feel bad about myself. And I guess that was the purpose, to make me try even harder to satisfy him and to “deserve” him. No amount of money or me trying to cut myself into million pieces for him was enough for him or good for him. He would be squeezing me till the last drop like a lemon. I felt like a free worker, and I felt used. I still remember his answer when I asked him if he believes in love and relationships (because our relationship started to be rocky and even, I had no idea that time that something like narcissism exist, I intuitively knew that whatever this man feels for me, it´s not love. It felt cold, calculated, superficial and empty). And what was his answer? He said that he only enters relationships when he can get something out of it. That were his exact words. The narcissists are nothing just users.
22-23
They don´t want to invest anything into you but they want to take everything from you. And boy, I felt so used in this relationship. He wanted me to do everything for him while he was doing nothing for me. What he did for me was not even a bare minimum. Once I was working on their balcony in his mother´s apartment in ghetto. As an artist, I know how to make even old ugly shizzz look like brand-new luxury shizzz. I started to re-create their ugly old balcony into a Greek style terrace. I am half Mediterranean and I love Mediterranean interior style. To save their money, I decided to repair and paint some pieces of old furniture. I found around one old little cabinet that I wanted to remake into a table and some old chairs. I gave to it a nice vintage shabby chic style re-make. I went also on hunt for decorations, and I came home with a beautiful white metal lantern and candles. The only thing I asked him for was to help me with painting the walls. I already painted some rooms in his mother´s apartment and I finished one large canvas painting for his mother´s room, it was very hot summer, and I was tired. He disappeared and switched off his phone so I can´t reach him. He went out drinking with friends and left me working alone. Then he came home drunk and as I was standing on the ladder, he started to tomfool around, laughing in my face and poking me. I almost felt out of the balcony. They lived on 5th floor. I freshly bought my new apartment, and I had a lot of cleaning, repairing, unpacking, decorating, reconstruction to do while I was working full time corporate job and side hustles, so I was really exhausted. He suggested to me to come chill-out to their house. They had to sell their apartment because of the executors but they have got lucky and inherited very old house, so they have moved there. To be honest, the house was just the ruins keeping it together only by help of some “magic powers” and as it´s typical for very old houses, there was plenty stuff to do around the house. I was really looking for some chill-out in garden after constantly working and working and working. My body needed few hours of chill-out. The moment I arrived, he handed me some old working clothes and handed me a list of jobs to do around the house. He said that he bought me the paint and brushes so I can start to paint the house and the fence. I was speechless. He never helped me with the work around my home, but he wanted me to work around his. He told me that he would never work on something that is not his because he is not a slave to work on other people´s stuff. And I am a slave to work “on other people´s stuff”? That´s OK? I asked him only few times to come to repair something in my home and every single time he was paid for it by me. I was literary paying my boyfriend for every little shizzz he did for me. Imagine that you use someone to pay your bills, pay for everything in your life, buy you a car, buy you food, pay for trips, do a lot of favors for you and then, when you can help this person only few times with little things like put some shelves together, you ask to be paid for it. It took me few downfalls, mental breakdowns and infusions due to exhaustion to understand that I should finally take my power back to focus solely on myself and stop allowing people to use me and literary tearing me into pieces for their selfish narcissistic agendas. I was literary turning other people´s lives into gold while they were turning mine into a nightmare and ruins. I was cutting myself into pieces for others on my expense while I was neglecting my own self. It took me few very hard karmic lessons to understand that I should stop being other people´s idi0t and start turning my own life into my own gold. The “codependent empath vs. narcissist” couples is a very damaging combination. The codependent empaths always seek validation from the narcissists. The narcissists always seek attention from the codependent empaths. What a tragic combination. I took my power back when I stopped to seek validation from the narcissists and when I stopped to give them my attention. Life changing. I started to preserve the energy only for myself and it worked. My life started to change rapidly. Only then I realized how much energy I actually was giving to the narcissists, no surprise that I was always feeling exhausted beyond exhaustion. The narcissists are little children stuck in the adult´s bodies and it feels exactly like that. You feel like a typical exhausted mother who are running after her small children. The narcissists exhaust you using your energy and resources while they are saving their energy and their resources (on your expense). You are the only one in relationships who is doing the heavy lifting. I was replenishing my narcissistic ex´s energy while he was draining mine. With the narcissists, the energy is not reciprocated so it will drain you to the max, you feel depleted. I was pouring into him, but he was not pouring into me, he was draining me and emptying me. He was with me to make his life better, but he was making my life miserable.
Youtube song: Eminem - Superman
24
My second narcissistic BPD ex never kept a job for long. Most of the time during our relationship, he was jobless. I tried to help him to find a job and oh, boy, that was a torture. I thought that we will be searching for his job together, but it ended up being only me sitting behind my laptop for months till late nights while he was in bed watching TV, playing video games or going out to drink with friends. I came to him with a list of possible job offers, he did not like one. Nothing was good enough for him. I re-made his entire CV to make it look better, I searched for a job for him online, I have got involved HR agencies to help me to find him the job. But he was running the streets way too long and he has also the criminal records, so he had limited options with his CV. He wanted to be the boss but that was not realistic. I mean, it is, but you have to start from the bottom and work hard for years so you can become the boss. But he did not like that part of working hard to get there. He refused low paid jobs. I was running out of options. Only once I found him a really good job that he finally agreed on. In a car factory. He graduated as a car mechanic, and he likes cars. I thought that this might be the right job for him, and it was actually really well paid. With his CV, this salary was luxury. He showed up at work only the first day and then he quit. He came home from work and started to scream at me how horrible job I found him. He was angry to me for days. I had another idea. I knew a guy in my corporate job who was cooperating with the cleaning company for our building. I asked him if he can get my ex a job as a cleaner. I knew that my narcissistic ex would never show up for cleaning job out of pride to clean the offices during the day but there were also night shifts. During the night shifts, the offices are empty, so nobody see you cleaning. He did not show up. I looked like an idi0t in front of that guy because I was literary hunting him for this job and then … nothing. The narcissists and borderlines lack of personality so he was constantly changing his ideas about what he should be doing as a job because he had no idea who he was. He let his mother to pay a course for masseurs as he suddenly and out of nowhere decided that he wants to become a masseur. But he quickly changed his mind and he let his mother to pay for another course (or whatever it was) in order to become a bus driver. Do you think he applied for the job as a bus driver? No. I told him that he is good at repairing, maybe he can start his own business. I offered to help him with the paper work and to create a website for him. We talked about it for weeks. Then he suddenly changed his mind and decided not to. Then we spent weeks talking about the idea of him to become a personal trainer, to get clients to train and creating diet plans for them. When he was younger, he used to be a professional bodybuilder and even before, he was a captain in football team. He had many medals and trophies in his room. But he had so low self-esteem that he refused to follow the job that he would definitely like. I gave up. Bro was exhausting. The cluster B individuals are a full-time job. I did not feel like I have a boyfriend. It felt more like I have a child. Very troubled child. He was always in some trouble, and he was always making me responsible to clean his mess. He remained jobless and he continued to suck me and his elderly mother out of energy and money.
25
I realized that during both of my relationships with the narcissists, I always felt exhausted, tired, my immunity system was struggling, I felt physically sick, but doctors never could find anything. Later I realized that it´s because the narcissists are emotional, psychological and energy vampires. My narcissistic ex once told me that I am like his calming pill, and that he always calms down in my presence. Well, I can´t tell the same about you, bro. I, on the other hand, was constantly over-stressed, exhausted and overwhelmed by him. The narcissists were stealing my peace, light and energy. They sucked the joy out of me. The narcissists are like phones. Every-time their battery is dying, they plug their charger into other people´s energy fields and charging themselves. My narcissistic ex had his gallbladder removed (or some other organ, I can´t remember which one, sorry, I am not a doctor). When he would be excessively drinking, he was in pain because of that. Once he came to visit me and he had a hangover, and the part of his body where he used to have the gallbladder was hurting him. We were chilling in bed, and he took my hand and he put it on the part of his body where his gallbladder was removed. I realized what he was doing, and I asked him: “What are you doing?”. He answered that he always feels better when I put my hand on his body. I believe in energy transfer, and I knew that he was trying to parasite on my energy to heal himself. Suddenly, he announced that he feels better and asked me if I want to go for a walk. I said: “Sure”. But when I tried to get out of the bed, I suddenly felt sick and dizzy. I absorbed his sickness and also his hangover into me like a sponge. I said that I have changed my mind because I feel sick. On which he said to me that I am lazy. Once the knee of my mother was hurting and I touched it. The next day, she called me, and she said that her knee finally stopped to hurt. Just like that. The same day, my own knee started to hurt. For no reason. I absorbed my mother´s pain like a sponge. Be careful with whom you are exchanging your energies because if you hang around low vibrational people, they will suck your energy and make you sick. The narcissists don´t know how to produce their own prana. Prana energy is your life force. All empaths who vibrate high in energy are capable to produce their own energy. That´s why the empaths do not need to run around sucking other people of theirs. The higher vibrations consist of love, light, abundance and peace. The low vibrations consist of dark, lack, fear, restlessness and abandonment. That´s why you will never feel high vibrational around the low vibrational narcissists. They are different frequency than you and that´s why they are making you sick. People in fear energies live in separate consciousness and they will be always acting hostile towards others, reckless, chaotic, aggressive and weirdly. Out of fear. Everything the narcissists are thinking, feeling, saying or doing is out of fear. They are the most fearful people on the planet and that´s why they are masking their fears with aggression (which is often misunderstood with a confidence). Aggression/arrogance and confidence are two very different things. People in “love energy” are always calm, peaceful, collected, the love give them power and strength. The high vibrational people operate from their hearts and souls and that´s why they are fearless and enter every room as their true selves. The narcissists operate from ego which is “the false self”. And ego is always aggressive, defensive and fearful. They wear their ego (the “false self”) as a mask. All narcissists from my past told me that I am fragile. I absolutely do not agree with them. My vulnerability is my strength.
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And I know that they all dropped their jaws on the floor how I recovered and healed from their abuse and now I am thriving. And they wonder how I did it. They thought they finished me, and I would never get up again. But I did. I found my own power because I allowed myself to be vulnerable. My vulnerability is what allowed me to dive deep into the ocean of my emotions where I was swimming until I integrated all of my shadows. The more shadows I integrated, the more room for light to enter me was created. That´s how I became the light.
27
The narcissists fear their dark side thus they never give themselves the opportunity to work with their shadows and they never integrate their shadows. And they remain dark for the rest of their lives. It´s a paradox – the only way into the light is through your darkness. First, you have to allow yourself to deal with your dark side so you can work through your shadows in order to emerge as a light out of your own dark tunnel.
28-31
The narcissists saw me as weak but … who is really weak here? It´s not me who is running around with some fake mask on the face. I enter every room as myself. It´s not me who is running from responsibilities, truth, reality, from mess, from therapy. I show up every single time, it does not matter that I am tired, exhausted or if my voice is shaking or this or that. It´s you, the narcissists, who never show up. You don´t show up for your own self and you don´t show up for others. It´s you, the narcissists, who hide your eyes behind the sunglasses even indoors to hide your shame from me for all the dirt you did to me. I am the one who is capable to look deep and straight into your eyes. I don´t hide my face behind sunglasses, hats, hair that nobody is able to see my eyes. It´s you, narcissists. It´ s not me who is hiding behind everybody´s back. I face everything. You run from everything. Narcissists, can you explain me where exactly I am weak and where exactly you are strong? Who calls who? I don´t need your coldness, it´s you who always search for my warmth and softness. The narcissists, why are you running around acting so arrogant when it´s you who actually failed? You failed as a friend, you failed as a human being, you failed as a romantic partner, you failed as a man, you failed as a woman, you failed as a parent, you failed at everything. I must say that when I cleaned my life from all narcissists, it was the best decision I ever made in my life. I am a very non-problematic person, very peaceful and chill-out and I realized that when the narcissists left my life, I suddenly did not have any problems. Most of problems I had in the past in my life were created by the narcissists. I literary have no problems today. Zero. Nada. Paradise. Chill-out. For the first time in my life, I can focus on me. The narcissists were destroying my life by taking me away from my own life. I don´t do other people´s problems to be my problems anymore. It´s not a coincidence that once I removed all narcissists from my life, my health started rapidly improving, my finances started rapidly improving too. After I healed, I started to be happy, I am happy for the first time in my life. Suddenly, my life is going the right direction. All of this is absolutely not a coincidence. It only shows me how highly toxic the narcissists are. I spent months and months with rotating around my narcissistic ex ś ass to help him to find a job and help him to follow his dreams and I completely neglected my own dreams. I almost forgot that I used to be Lily from Wonderland. The past years, I almost forgot how I loved art. The narcissists completely took me away from my art. Only when I was finally single and safe, and I was sitting at peace, I realized that … wow…they literary took me from art for years. Either they caused me depression, so I did not feel creative, or I was feeling exhausted by their abuse and by running around always cleaning their mess, fixing them or rotating around their toxic assess, so I did not create, or I was wasting my money on them (like … paying the side chick her vacations or paying my narcissistic ex a new car instead of buying myself a new computer for my digital art). My money supposed to be invested in me and my dreams, not into some d3monic narcissists. If the narcissistic abuse thought me something, it´s definitely to become way more selfish. In the past, I was fulfilling someone else´s dream by sacrificing mine. For example, I never wanted to come back home from abroad. But I did. Because my first narcissistic ex was whining that he misses me, and he wanted to live with me. He was still living in our country, so I came back home to be with him. I gave up my dream to live abroad for him. Once I came back home, I bought an apartment for us. And what he did right after? He packed his shizzz and went to work abroad. What a betrayal. He made me stuck in my country where I never wanted to live, and then he left abroad. I was like … wtf was this, toxic m00therfucker???? To this day, I regret that I came back home from abroad. I will never sacrifice myself for anybody ever again!!!! The narcissists are an absolute destroyer of all hope and dreams. The narcissists are like a dark cloud always lurking above your head pissing at you. No, it´s not rain … It´s the narcissistic disrespectful urine …
Youtube song: Trevor Daniel - Story
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After I was dating narcissistic men, I must say that I never experienced more cheap trash in my entire life. It´s literary embarrassing. It´s embarrassing to be a narcissist. My second narcissistic ex would buy himself few hundred Euro useless vacuum cleaner while it was too much for him if I wanted to spend few Euro on myself. He would give me 20 minutes lecture on how to save money for water when showering…And it was not even his money we were paying with because he was jobless, it was my money he was trying to control or blow up. He was so generous towards himself and very cheap towards me. Once, he took me to an amusement park. And he did not want to pay for anything so basically, we spent the whole day just walking around and watching other people having fun. We did not have fun, we did not eat. It was the most depressing fun amusement park I have ever visited. On the other hand, when he went out to drink, he would not have any problem to spend lot of money for partying and alcoh0ol. Another time, he took me for a trip. He told me that he doesn´t want to ruin the surprise so I should not ask him anything about that trip. He only instructed me to wake up very early in the morning and be ready on time. Which I did. The morning started with a stress. The trip involved the bikes. He took us through the busiest traffic on our bikes and the cars were honking on us like crazy. We almost have got ki11ed multiple times. We definitely had no business to be on that road. It was very stressful for me. The narcissists either purposely put you in dangerous situations to stress you so they can extract the negative narcissistic supply out of you, or they are so underdeveloped on the level of little kids that they just do not possess the capacity to plan anything properly like the adults would. Putting your life into the narcissist´s hands it´s like putting your life into the hands of little kids, shizzz will go surreal because kids are irresponsible. The narcissists always seek thrills. And they don´t care if they put themselves and their beloved ones in danger. They can´t control their narcissistic impulses and addictions. Then, somehow, we arrived at the train station. I love trains so traveling by train was amazing. Once we arrived to another country, we biked around to see some historical buildings which was cool too. Then, it started heavily raining. I never experienced such a heavy rain in my life. He did not have any money to take us to some restaurant or hotel or anything. We were literary standing on the rain for hours. I was freezing. He told me that he will take care of everything, so I released all control regarding this trip, I did not want to hurt his ego so I let him lead … Once … It was a mistake …. We missed the train back home so we literary slept in a park. Yes, like homeless people do. And it was raining the whole f….cking night. I´m kidding you not……………..….. Then, the next morning, we were biking home and I was crying half of that “trip”. I would cry the whole ride, but I was so exhausted to even cry, I was just trying to save my energy for somehow to come back home. I do believe that he did it on purpose as a part of a humiliation ritual. He took a Queen, dragged her off of her pedestal and let her sleep on the street like a homeless person. He knew what he was doing when he made me leave my money at home. I also believe that we missing our train was not a coincidence either. He planned to humiliate me with this trip. It was a premeditated humiliation ritual. The narcissists are losers. Literary all of them. Once I became single, the best part of that was me sitting in my favorite 4 start historical hotel restaurant enjoying my chill-out and my tea, and G0d bless I did not need to deal with anybody´s toxic shizzzz anymore……. You have to know your value and worth. You have to know where you belong. And stick to it. Remove from your life everything that is below you. Or, it will drag you below. I can write a long list of bad experiences I had with the narcissists, and I can count only on my one hand the good experiences with them. Experiencing so many bad moments with the narcissists will have a negative impact on your confidence because the narcissists are constantly trying to convince you that you don´t deserve a basic shizzz and that you are unworthy.
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If you are trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, I have an amazing exercise for you: You have to make up for the lost time and the bad times the narcissists put you through. For every 1 bad experience, you have to bring 2 new good experiences into your life. You have to “neutralize” the bad energy. I want you to take a pen and paper and write down all the bad memories with the narcissists. Then, I want you slowly start to create new good memories that will neutralize the old bad ones. For example, if the narcissist messed up your Bday party, you can neutralize this bad memory by creating your own Bday party that will be amazing, you have many options how to celebrate yourself. You can throw a party at home and invite your amazing coworkers from work, or you can go alone for a walk and take yourself for a nice Bday dinner. And don´t forget to buy yourself a nice Bday present. You have to constantly neutralize, neutralize, neutralize all that toxic BS. Until you have only nice memories. The narcissists are well-known grumpy cats so if you are an optimist like me, you will suffer greatly to deal with the narcissists. The narcissists are always in a bad mood, always moody, always negative. And they will always try to pollute and poison your good mood too. When you get outside of the house with them and you say “Yay, what a beautiful day”, they will look around and pull out a list of 7 things that absolutely suck about that day. How you neutralize this? You have to look around and find 12 things that are absolutely amazing about that day. Neutralize, neutralize, neutralize, baby !!!!! For every 1 bad memory, you have to neutralize it with 2 good memories.
35
When I met my second narcissistic BPD ex, he was love bombing me. It felt like I met my soulmate. He was showing pictures of my artwork on his phone to everybody around him. This was the first time that someone close to me was actually interested in what I do. My first narcissistic ex did not give a damn about anything I was doing, neither my narcissistic family. Not once in many years they asked me one question about my art, my hobbies, my activities. Strange that in so many years, I never received let´s say a Christmas present such as pencils or watercolors. My closest people never supported my talents. Nobody in my family gave a shizzz about anything, except abusing and sucking d1cks. My creative talent was supported more by strangers such as teachers at school or even strangers than my own parents. I felt like a stranger in my own family because the closest people around me did not know about me the very basic shizzz. They literary did not know anything about me. And they never showed any interest to get to know me. They never even saw my art. My narcissistic family always stuck together, and they always scapegoated me on the side. They were here together, and I was over there alone on my isolated island. I lived my entire life on that isolated island. That´s the price you have to pay for being born in a narcissistic family. They will make you into a lone wolf. Before my therapy, I actually never realized how lonely my life was. I was so used to loneliness that I did not even realize that I was lonely. Alice in Wonderland is my absolute favorite fairy tale. I always somehow identified with Alice. I always saw myself as Alice. I sometimes call myself Alice. Or Lily from Wonderland. If you see my digital surreal art, you will know right away that Alice in Wonderland is definitely one of my biggest inspirations. Probably, because she also has her own world, she lives in her fantasy world. Just like me.
36
When children experience a deep trauma or loneliness, they have tendency to run into the fantasy world inside of their minds. And I realized I was doing it since I was a child. There was nowhere to hide or escape from my toxic childhood and from the abuse I was enduring from the hands of my toxic family. The only way to run away was in my head. And later on, I was running away through my art, through the canvas, through the paper. I would just close myself in my room with pile of brushes, I would turn my room into my own version of Wonderland, and I would be just living there in my fantasy doing art, creating visual Wonderlands. My art is love of my life but also my coping mechanism for my trauma, pain and loneliness. It was also my way of connecting to other people because I did not know how to properly connect to others so I was always speaking to them through my art. Maybe that´s why I was taking it so hard after my downfall that I could not create. They took my safe space by taking my art away from me. Where I can hide now when Wonderland was gone? Wonderland is my real home. The only home I ever had. It felt good to be acknowledged by my new boyfriend. In the beginning, he was very passionate about me. I am a spontaneous person and a bit emotional ass, so I thought it´s cool that he is too. I guess I really liked him because he seemed to be in a such a contrast to my first narcissistic ex and my narcissistic family. He was the opposite of them. My first narcissistic ex and my narcissistic family were the suppressed “dog´s cold noses”. Very formal and very conservative. And my new boyfriend was like watching the TV in colors for the first time in my life, lot of sounds, lot of colors. He was an anarchist. After I spent lifetime in a silence scapegoated by the narcissists in my life, my new boyfriend doing lot of sounds, giving me a space to make my own sounds was fascinating to me. Maybe that´s why I overlooked the first red flags connected to his emotional eruptions. I liked his emotionality. Finally, there was some sound destroying my silence. He was very childlike. I really liked this about him. I am very matured when it comes to EQ but as all artists, I am just an overgrown child. So, it was fun to run around like two kids. I misunderstood his borderline personality disorder for a passion. And I thought that him being childlike is because he likes fun and it took me a while to understand that he is childlike because the NPD BPD individuals are really that underdeveloped, they are children trapped in adult´s bodies, they froze in the age when the trauma happened to them. My NPD BPD ex froze at age 6 so he was really acting like a 6-year-old child. We had lot of fun until it was not funny at all. Jeez, little did I know how batshizzz crazy the BPD folks are. They should come with a warning “Cute but psych0”. Shortly into our relationship, the troubles arrived at our paradise. His mask started to slip. I started to see completely different side of him. I started to discover the executors, his unpaid bills pilling up, his debts, his loss of a job and aversion towards working, him playing with my dollaaa card recklessly, him starting to go out partying more and more and coming home more and more drunk, the bar fights and the bl00d, the ghetto lifestyle, anger issues, the side chicks, the mummy issues. The list goes on and on. At first, he was such a good listener. With my first narcissistic ex, we have been together for 10 years, and we literary never talked. We were always in silence living next to each other like two fishes in tank. With such a boyfriend and my narcissistic family, I had nobody to talk to for years and years. I really craved to have a partner who is communicative and capable to keep a conversation. Good conversation is for me more attractive than zexxxy ass. In past, I often felt lonely. For years. It was destroying my mental health. It was such a contrast to have a new boyfriend who was spending time with me willing to talk to me and to listen to me. Only later I realized that he was not listening because he was such an attentive loving boyfriend, he was just a predator extracting information from me and then he used all of that information against me later on. Shortly after the love bombing stage, he completely stopped to listen to me, he was actually giving me a silent treatment often, so I was back in a painful silence like I always used to be with other narcissists in my life in the past. He turned out to be a really bad listener. The narcissists listen to you only in the beginning of your “situationSHIT” because they investigate you. When the narcissists are “investigating” everything about you, they look for your weakness, they want to know what makes you tick, what you dislike, what is your trauma, what are your fears, what are your insecurities, where are your cracks inside of you and what dirt and secrets they can extract from you. Once they collect enough data about you, the systematical abuse can start and they WILL use all of those collected data against you like a weap0n. I experienced enough narcissistic abuse by multiple narcissists in my life to start to see the pattern and system in their abuse. And I call this system “narcissistic humiliation rituals”. It is a system of abuse where the narcissists are breaking you down bit by bit by bullying you and abusing you into a submission so once you are fully broken and submitted, they can take a full control over you like the parasites for their own benefits. The very first time I was forming the term “narcissistic humiliation rituals” was when I started to do some analysis of a certain pattern I noticed happening in Hollywood with big celebrities who are very rich and famous who suddenly started to act “crazy”, having mental breakdowns and they had to be “protected” with conservatorship. I did an analysis of few very known celebrities in the industry who fall exactly in this scenario. And I found out very interesting facts. After my research, I noticed that the background of all of those celebrities was the same: they are scapegoats of narcissistic families. They have been all abused, used and scapegoated by their narcissistic families and they are in no contact with their families. So, they lack support system. Statistically, I do not see that many celebrities going through the mental breakdowns when having loving stable empathetic families. Having a proper support system is very crucial in order to have a healthy life and good mental health. If, as a celebrity, you don´t have a support of a healthy family, the Hollywood sharks will mess you up with a little or no effort. You have been already messed up in the past by your toxic family, so these sharks only come to “finish” you. The only way the sharks of Hollywood can turn the biggest celebrities into the cash cows is to traumatize them first, then monetize them. The sharks are traumatizing the celebrities until the celebrities are shaving their heads, acting crazy, having serious mental health issues and mental breakdowns. Once the sharks “protect” those celebrities against their will after manufactured and premeditated “downfalls” and “mental health issues” with conservatorship, the sharks basically take over their lives and finances. It´s all premeditated. All the traumatizing, all the pushing celebrities into craziness. It is also interesting to watch how the narcissistic families “cooperate” with the Hollywood sharks on the conservatorship because the narcissistic families feed off of their poor famous kids too. These celebrities are literary sacrificed like a lamb so the vultures can feed off of them left and right. At least, Hollywood is starting to make a progress in protecting the child stars after few big scandals where the narcissistic parents of celebrity kids had an access to their famous kid´s bank accounts and once their kids grew up and they wanted to finally take over their bank accounts, the now grown up celebrities discovered that all the money are gone because their narcissistic parents blew their millions away and even the narcissistic parents did not pay the taxes for years so on top of this all the celebrities were actually in debts owning money for taxes. I started to see the same pattern in circuses too. The pattern of humiliation rituals. The only way how to make a giant like an elephant or dangerous predator like a lion to perform in circus is to break their spirit first. The trainers have to bully them and abuse them first so the animals completely lose their will to live, and then they submit to their trainers. And then the circus can start to cash on their trauma. The same is happening in relationships with the narcissists. They have to first take you through “the narcissistic humiliation rituals”, they have to first traumatize you for you to completely submit to them so they can control you, your life and your finances. My second narcissistic ex took me through the humiliation process, and he was very systematical with trying to break my spirit. He knew that I had “a Bday wound”. So, he took an advantage of this information in order to humiliate me. On my Bday, he gifted me puzzles for toddlers. The box of those puzzles was damaged, so it looked like he bought it either on sale for 3 cents or he digged it out of some garbage bin. G0d knows that I am very easily satisfied, I am a natural born optimist so it´s not even hard to make a happy person happy, I am a hippie, so I am not even that much materialistic person, I don´t need diamonds. It´s really not that hard to buy me a Bday present. I can´t believe that in years not once some narcissistic person in my life made it right with my Bday. I knew his intention behind gifting me a garbage was to humiliate me, to make me feel unworthy and unloved, to make me feel like I don´t deserve something that equals of a Queen status. This gift was a statement. And he even expected me to thank him for this garbage and I guess that would be just another way how to humiliate me. The narcissists want you to feel bad about yourself and not to enjoy your special moments. When you are with someone who is putting you down a bit by bit every day, eventually, they will ki11 your confidence, they will ki11 your self-love, you will start to suffer from low self-esteem as a direct result of them treating you so cheaply and badly. I threw that “gift” from my narcissistic ex to the garbage bin where it belongs.
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I noticed that the narcissists are not very good at buying the considerate gifts for others. Simply, because they don´t care about you, they were never interested in knowing you on a deeper level, they literary don´t know you, they can´t care less about you. They can be with you for 10 years, and they will still don´t know you. If any of those narcissists would buy my artsy ass some new pencils for 5 Dollars in a new package and a 2 Dollars chocolate, I would be happy little hippie. Puzzles for toddlers for girlfriend over 30, wtf … ??? Every single time some narcissists gave me a gift, it was always a garbage. Once I knew a girl who was a narcissist and I did some favors for her and as a thanks, she gifted me a chocolate with a very expired date. I had to throw the chocolate away into the garbage bin. This same girl once joined my little Bday party that my girlfriends prepared for me in my home. They prepared for me a non-baked cake and the cake was so cute and yummy! And guess what happened next... We were sitting around the table when I suddenly realized that this girl is missing. She could not handle to see me happy and the spotlight to be on me for 5 min. (on my Bday, even on my first real Bday party I ever had!), so she vanished. She did not even excuse herself from the table neither she spoke to anybody. She just simply vanished. Just like that. Like a fart. Like a d3mon.
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Another way how my narcissistic ex was taking me through a humiliation process was by exploiting my s3xual trauma and my eating disorder. Once, we have been intimated and he suddenly started to make nasty comments right in the middle of the s3x and when I asked him “what did you say?”, he tried to gaslight me into thinking that he said nothing. He tried to gaslight me into thinking that I am imagining some voices in my head. I heard properly and exactly what he said. He would sometimes “surprise” me from back simulating rap3 acts and when I called him out on it, he denied it. I could clearly recognized that what he was doing was not the normal and typical "let´s spice things up a little bit in our bedroom", it was clearly a s3xual abuse. He would try to record me with his phone while being intimated with me without my permission. When I called him out on it, he would call me paranoid and over-sensitive. When we were intimated, I would always look around to see where his phone is. Once, it was around 5 AM, I woke up because I felt something heavy on me. It was my narcissistic ex trying to force himself on me while I was asleep. He did not even bother to wake me up to have a s3x with me. When a man wants to break a woman´s spirit, he will start in bedroom. This also includes side chicks. I just came home from work, and I started to cook the dinner. Suddenly, I heard some woman screaming my name on the street, over and over again. I came on balcony to see what the fff is going on. My back then boyfriend was standing under our balcony with his side chick, both drunk and high. While he was laughing feeling amused by the toxic situation he just created, the side chick was hysterical and above to explode. She continued to rage and scream at me, then she screamed at my narcissistic boyfriend trying to punch him. He just laughed in her face. I just closed the balcony doors, so I don´t need to listen to that drama. I took the frying pan and threw the dinner into the garbage bin. The drama ki11ed my appetite and boy did not deserve the dinner anyway. He was constantly trying to test me how far he can go with crossing my boundaries.
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He tried to get me pregnant just to trap me. Once I took him for pizza and he said that it´s OK when we order only one pizza so we can share it. I agreed because I would be not able to eat a whole pizza anyway and he said he is not that hungry. When the waitress brought the pizza to our table, he gave me only one pizza triangle with the words that I am fat, and I should not eat more. The better I was doing for my health and the more I was getting healthier and more in shape, his abuse intensified. Sometimes, he would switch the abuse tactic. When my diet was finally on point and he could not say one word against how healthy I was eating, my progress was pissing him off so he would try to feed me with unhealthy food to sabotage my progress. Damned if you try, damned if you don´t. If I was too healthy, it triggered him, so he tried to sabotage my diet. If I was unhealthy, he would insult me. You can´t make these narcissistic people happy no matter how hard you try because they already decided not to be happy in the first place, and this decision has nothing to do with you. They were miserable way before they met you. I noticed this pattern with narcissistic women too. Every- time I said to narcissistic women that I want to try some new diet or lose a bit of weight, suddenly, they have been baking cakes for me and buying me sweets and chocolates. The narcissists hate to see you doing better for yourself. They will always try to sabotage any positive change you want to do in your life. For the eye that is not trained, this might look like a nice gesture when someone brings you a chocolate, but for the trained eye who understands how the narcissists are thinking, you know that the chocolate is only the way how they want to sabotage your healthy diet in a passive-aggressive covert way. If you are above to die from hunger in the middle of the desert, the narcissists never bring you a chocolate. Or any other food. They will literately let you die out of starvation there. But suddenly, when you are doing good, looking good, they are all about feeding you… The narcissists don´t want you to look hot and zexxy. And they will not only bring you the chocolate to sabotage your healthy fresh salad lunch, but they will also suddenly inform you that they are starting a healthy weight loss diet too. The narcissists are always in competition with you. You don´t compete with them but they always compete with you. One of the greatest signs that someone is a narcissist is that they are pathologically envious about everything and everybody and they are in constant competition with you.
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One day, my second narcissistic ex took me out with his friends. They are all “ghetto underground dogs”. His friend has just got out of the prison, and we ended up in some low life bar to “celebrate” it. Suddenly, the drugs and alcoh0l ended up on the table. He tried to hook me on the drugs and make me drink alcoh0ol in order to sabotage my life, but it did not work. I excused myself and I went home leaving him with his “dogs”. While I was sitting in that low life bar dressed in corporate dress being surrounded by people with very low vibrational energy, I was wondering what the ffff I am doing there. How I even ended up here? I was working so hard to level up and now I am here? Back in thaaa hood? I was working hard to take myself out of thaaa hood.... This is the reason when you work hard to level up, and once you level up, you have to start hanging around people who either do better than you or who at least carry the same high vibrational energy as you. And I don´t even talk about money or social status. I talk about energy. When you level up your energy, you can only hang around your soul tribe. Because if you start to hang around the wrong people, they will drag you down.
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Few hours passed by, and he came home, drunk and high. He dragged me out of the bed to the balcony, he lighted up a joint with whatever was inside, and he forced that joint into my mouth. My ex was a big boy, him poke me once with his finger would make me fly through the whole balcony and he was in an aggressive mood. I could see it in his eyes. I know that stare very well. My step father´s eyes always morphed into this blank cold stare with almost shark like vibe right before he turned into a monster. His eyes always turned black, and I knew that my step father is gone and whatever d3mons were in him, they took a control over his head, soul and actions. So, I knew that this is not the right time to argue with my back then boyfriend because I knew what would follow. He was trying to twist my hand and keep forcing the joint into my mouth. Until I smoked. In no time, I felt disoriented, high and I became sick. Somehow, I managed to wake up in the morning and show up for work and I did my best to drag myself through the day. The narcissists will sabotage your life. This way or that way. They will purposely take you down. They have million and two options and tactics to bring you down. And they will try and try and try. For months and for years. This is not normal. This is absolutely crazy that someone will dedicate their life to hurt other people. Especially people who love them. Imagine that you love someone, and this person wants to hurt you. Shizzz is batshizzz crazy. With the cluster B individuals, every day is another battle to survive them. Somehow. They want you to be unhealthy. When you are unhealthy, they will verbally bully you by telling you that you are unhealthy, too fat or too thin, they will negatively comment everything you eat or how you look. When you become healthy, they will try to destroy your good health. Damned if you are healthy, damned if you are unhealthy. It turns you neurotic when you always trying hard but never solve any riddle and any problem. They can´t withstand only the idea that you are doing good for yourself. The better you do, the more they hate you. One night, we were intimate, lying naked in the bed and suddenly, he started to laugh with such a d3monic tone of voice, and he said to me: “I am like a d3vil, I always pull you back.” That was the moment the light bulb went on in my head. The narcissists exactly know what they are doing. They also know who they are. The d3mons. I guess he felt my sudden change in energy because I froze, and his energy changed too. We were lying there in silence. No words were needed. We both knew that this was the moment I decided to end it for good. We were both abused as kids. And all adults, who were once abused as kids, are hypersensitive to the slightest changes in other people´s energies and moods. The survivors of childhood abuse notice the slightest changes in their surrounding that normal people who were never abused would never notice. People who were abused as kids, they never relax, they are high on trauma and in a survival mode thus they are always busy with mapping the surrounding. Mapping their surrounding is their normal. The nervous system of people who went through abusive situations is never calm, their nervous system does not understand that the wa/r is already over because their PTSD trauma makes them feel stressed like the wa/r is still ongoing. The nervous system of people who were abused in the past is always on hyper alert because when they were kids, they were always in danger and that´s how their nervous system is programmed. To stay always on hyper alert. That´s why I am always saying that over-empathy is a trauma response. Normal healthy people are not overly empathetic. When I meet overly empathetic people, I know they are deeply traumatized, either codependent empaths high on PTSD trauma, or even the more vulnerable cluster Bs such as BPD or covert narcissists. Only people who survived traumatic environments are overly empathetic to the point of hypersensitivity and hyper-reactivity. Because they are used to feel everybody´s feelings and figuring out people´s intentions as a survival strategy. The victims of emotional vi0lence are overly empathetic because their toxic parents made them responsible for their emotions when they were kids. The toxic parents made these poor kids responsible for how they felt instead of getting a therapy to resolve their emotional issues in the right way. Having a trauma stuck in your system make you overly emotional. Every time someone pokes a finger into your wound, you either scream or cry. Or kick and punch. If you are wounded a lot, then you will scream and cry a lot. You are overly emotional, and you misunderstand it with you being too empathetic. But being over emotional does not make you an empath. It makes you very wounded. Being over emotional and being empathetic are two very different things. Even sociopaths can be overly emotional when they are triggered, and it does not make them to possess empathy. When an over-emotional triggered sociopath or BPD punches you in your face, it´s not very empathetic, right? When I hear people speaking about themselves as “overly empathethic” or “too emotional”, I know that it´s a pretty high chance that they are actually cluster B. Especially when they tell me that “they feel too much”, they are easily triggered and everything makes them explode (going into something that the psychology calls “the secondary psychopath mode”), I know it´s cluster B. The BPD is just another name for “the person with codependency on steroids who has PTSD on steroids”. That´s why BPD people act so over-emotional. The normal healthy people´s empathy feels more like “a neutralized energy”. They are not too low, they are not too high. The psychopaths are so low with their emotions because they feel nothing. The codependents, BPD and some covert narcissists are so high with their emotions, they are hysterical, over-emotional, hypersensitive, hyper-reactive, acting out their trauma which makes them dramatic. The normal people are balanced (aka “somewhere in the middle”). They feel enough in order to be in a category “normal”, they feel enough to not ki11 kitties out of boredom, but they don´t emotionally cry for seeing cute kitties in TV commercials either.
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Leaving an abusive relationship where you are dealing with a cluster B out of control violent unpredictable individual who is also constantly on some substances is a next level of adrenaline. It always makes my bl00d boil when I hear people ask the victims questions like: “Why are you with him? Why you just don´t leave? You must enjoy being with him when you are not leaving”. It does not take a genius to understand that leaving an abuser requires “an exit plan”. You just don´t wake up one day and leave. The abusers don´t let you leave like that. We broke up with my NPD BPD ex years ago and he still writes me crazy e-mails to this day. Some of his e-mails are pretty scary. You don´t escape an abusive relationship with a cluster B that easily. I was lucky because I never had children with him neither we shared joint bank accounts or common properties, we were never married, but to separate from my abusive ex was hard and stressful anyway. I can´t even imagine how a mother with 3 kids leaving person like this. Some victims have to plan their “exist strategy” for months or even years! The law is often not very protective of the victims. For example, you can´t just take your own child and run away from the abuser if the abuser is the other parent of your child. The toxic parent can simply call a police and get you arrested for you kidnapping their child. The financial abuse is often present in abusive relationships with the narcissists, so you have to first secretly save enough money to be able to leave your abuser. Unfortunately, the most common reason why the victims are not leaving their abusers is because they don´t have money to do so. As a part of your “exit strategy”, you have to figure out when and how to leave and where you will be moving. You don´t want to end up homeless with kids. A lot of people are starting their new lives free of abuse in shelters because they have no place to go. When you are leaving an abuser, you have to make peace with a fact that you will be leaving a lot of your materialistic stuff behind. Your favorite vase, your favorite chair, etc. I lost either everything or a lot every-time I was escaping the abusive people. When I separated from my narcissistic family at an early age, I started from the bottom, no support, no money. In comparison with other kids who never went through abuse and kids who had loving supporting families, my start was way more rocky. My family never invested in me. I was leaving my family with a naked ass and a pocket full of trauma. My first narcissistic ex conned me of everything. I lost literary everything. When I was leaving my second narcissistic ex, I did not lose everything, but he was sponging me out of lot of money during the relationship, so in the end of this relationship, I was financially drained. All abusive situations costed me a lot of money. Abuse is expensive. I was beyond exhausted from constantly recovering and rebuilding my life multiple times. I had to start from scratch 3 times in my life. A lot of victims of narcissistic abuse are trauma bonded with their abusers. Do not judge this experience unless you experienced the trauma bond yourself. It´s extremely painful to experience the trauma bond. Sometimes, it takes even a therapy that prepares you emotionally and psychologically to leave your abuser. Trauma bond and Stockholm syndrome is real. I experienced it myself and it was extremely painful experience.
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In a lot of cases, the victims lack the support system which was my case too. It´s hard to save yourself and recover without anybody´s help. I tried to leave my second narcissistic ex even earlier in our relationship, but I did not have any support to do so. I was over-stressed, exhausted, I did not have that much energy left close to the end of this relationSHIT, I was barely standing on my feet. I felt fear because he was very unpredictable and vi0lent. I did not have anybody to speak to while my abusive ex was trying to constantly gaslight the shizzz out of my brain, brainwashing my head and turning my brain into the scrambled eggs, there was nobody to help me with “the reality check”.
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I did not have a place where I could go and ask for help and protection. I had my own home on my own name, it was not available for me right away. I asked my narcissistic mother for help. I had nowhere to go. She refused to help me. So, I continued to stay with my abusive boyfriend. The narcissistic mothers love to purposely keep you in abusive situations and abusive relationships because they want you to get abused and traumatized. And on the other hand, when the narcissists see that you have some beautiful healthy connection with someone, they will try to sabotage and destroy those relationships for you. I asked her if I can come to live with her only until I figure out my situation. I would not be at her place more than few days or weeks. She refused. So, I knew that I was in this toxic situation alone and I have to figure out myself alone. I don´t remember the exact words of my mother when I asked her for help, but she said something on those lines that she is not going to deal with my crazy shizzz. It hurt me because I remember how I was dealing with her crazy shizzz half of my life and how I was protecting her from abusive alcoh0lic step father who was beating the crap out of her on regular and I showed up every single time to protect her with my own body from his aggression. People have often something with their memory cards …Tho, finally I managed to separate from my abusive ex, and I was finally able to go no contact and start my new life.
Youtube song Rihanna - Needed Me
BUT (!!!!) I will never forget who failed me, I will never forget who was not there for me when I needed it the most. Every person who abused me, contributed to my abuse in any shape or form or knew about the fact that I was abused, and they were just standing there doing nothing and not helping me, some of them even laughed at my pain, m00therfuckers, I will never forget your names, you are on my “block list” FOREVER. I will never allow you to come back to my life. You little bi_tches know very well who you are…………. Karma is coming for you………….
Youtube song: Aletta & Maverick Soul – Walking Away
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Continue to read my story of My ScapeGOAT Diary series HERE - Part 6.
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