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Self-portrait
Those who are
familiar with the tarot know the meaning of the tower card very well. When you pull
the tower card for yourself, you know that every single aspect of your life is
going to crumble down, all in the same time. The Murphy´s law. The
perfect shi_t storm. It hits you from nowhere with the intensity of a tornado.
Overnight. That time I did not understand that it happened
for me to awaken me and for my highest good. That time I thought my life is
over. That time, I did not understand that it was the Universe trying to
show me the truth by destroying the illusion I was living my whole life.
And what is fake deserves to be destroyed. It was the process of replacing the illusion with the truth, the darkness with the light. Today, I know that when your tower is falling, it is a mistake to try
to fix that tower. The tower is falling for a reason and you should let the
tower fall as fast and smooth as possible so you can clean the mess ASAP and
start to build something new that is really meant for you. Because the Universe is redirecting you for something better.
Tarot card of destruction "Tower"
Self-portrait
One day I woke up and my perfect boyfriend of 10 years (my first real love) was not that perfect as I thought he was. He was living a double life. He was cheating on me with another woman for 2 years behind my back and I discovered his cheating right before he has got married to his new supply. She knew about me the whole time but I did not know about her. From my point of view, she appeared on the scene from nowhere and ran directly into the weeding dress. Basically, my wedding dress. On Thursday, you are someone´s "love of my life" and on Friday you watch this person on internet to walk the wedding aisle with someone else. My narcissistic ex disappeared from my life overnight without any explanation, goodbye, proper break-up or apologize in a brutal heartless way after 10 years of relationship leaving nothing just a wrack behind him. And the surreal scenery that started to unfold right in-front of me shocked me to the core, crippled me and paralyzed me. All clowns joined the circus show. All narcissists and flying monkeys were trying to drag me into their toxic drama horror show. It was a painful awakening that I spent 10 years with a covert narcissistic sociopath and my life was nothing just an illusion. The truth was coming out piece by piece for a long time, I felt like I can´t even have a break. Once I processed a giant poo, here we go again! Another poo on the way. The relationship was shady from the beginning but I was blind sided. I feel like 10 years of my life was stolen from me. The level of deception, illusions and lies the "coverts" pull on you is beyond belief. I was not stupid but I had lack of knowledge on narcissism and codependency and this was screwing my life for years and I missed a lot of red flags through the entire relationship. Little did I know that the new supply was even bigger (overt) narcissist that my covert narcissistic ex and they turned my life into a living he11. I have been ripped of my own apartment that I was building by myself, sacrificed for and worked hard for, I lost my home, my belongings, my furniture, basically I lost everything. All money was gone, I needed to clean the mess behind my narcissistic ex which costed me even more money, then it costed me a lot of money to rebuild my new life to build my new home. Thousands and thousands of Euro were flying out of my pocket. All this brought me into a deep depression and a financial mess.
The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. It comes from people you love and trust.
I was very young when my narcissistic mother pushed me behind the doors once she was done using me for being "a second mother" to my little brother while all she ever cared were her boyfriends. I was the one who was taking my little brother in and out of kinder-garden and school, helping him with homework, making him food, protecting him and playing with him while my childhood was literary non existent. I was a child taking care of another child. I was also emotionally taking care for an unstable chaotic dramatic narcissistic parent who was always choosing even more narcissistic partners. My mother was using me as a narcissistic supply, a punching bag and an emotional regulator for her unstable lifestyle. It was always all about my mother, nobody else´s needs, wants and feelings mattered. If you ever wondered how codependents are being created, this is how. I always felt like an object in my family, not like a human being. My mother is an inverted narcissist which means she only dates other narcissists. The inverted narcissists never date the empaths. Which meant for me that she was bringing home men who were even more toxic than she was. My step father was an alcoholic and overt narcissist. The ambulance and police were in and out of our household due to his physical vi0lence but because he was a politician, nobody protected us from him. My step father was a corrupted politician who was doing also a shady business. It came to the point he needed to hire two bodyguards who were also shady. They were taking me in and out of school. Once even his own bodyguard turned against him. My step father and the bodyguard were fighting right in front of me and after that fight I found pulled hair all over the floor. I was constantly under a heavy stress my whole childhood. My mother and my step father were like cat and mouse but in public they pretended we are the perfect family. Having 2 narcissistic parents was a living he11. We had two guns in the household and my step father was always threatening that he will shoot my mother one day. My step father was also a racist and for those few years he was in our lives, he prohibited me the contact with my biological grandmother and grandfather (the only two people who truly loved me) because of my grandmother´s Israel roots. His racist comments were often on my plate. I reconnected with my grandmother and grandfather once my step father died in a car accident as he was driving drunk. Unfortunately, my grandma had a cancer and I had an opportunity to meet her only once. I predicted my father´s death. Our home was under reconstruction so we all slept in one room until the reconstruction was done. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw his dark silhouette standing in the door. But when I looked on the bed, he was sleeping in the bed. I woke up my mother and told her what I saw but she told me it was only a bad dream and I should go sleep. This situation repeated 3 nights, then my father died. What I saw was actually my father´s spirit preparing for leaving his body. Since childhood, I am hyper sensitive to energies and I can write an entire book only on ghosts stories and strange paranormal activities happening to me.
The narcissistic parents do not love bomb, use, manipulate, hoover and discard only their partners, they do it to their children too. My narcissistic mother was doing this to me my whole life. She would provoke me, then play the victim when I reacted, she would mess me up, then blame it on me, turning everybody against me making me look like I am the bad guy in the story even I was telling the truth, treat me like a scapegoat, discard me, then hoover me back with the love bombing, then mistreat me again. On repeat. We had very complicated relationship and I was on and off in "no contact" mode basically since early teenage years. I needed to mature in a very early age. My heart and soul were so tired and sick of my family. They were sucking the life out of me.
The whole household was a mess, dysfunctional and toxic. Every adult in that household was all over the place. Once I left home in a very early age, I was on my own ever since. I often went long months without speaking to my mother (and nowadays I stick to no contact). I was making money since 15. My mother chose my brother to be a golden child, he was spoiled and provided with everything while I, as a scapegoat child, was left struggling always alone pushed and scapegoated aside. My family did not give me any support of any kind, everything I have ever had was because I earned it, hustled for it and built it. The narcissistic parents teach you nothing, they don´t prepare you for life, they don´t support you, they don´t love you, they only mess you up. When sh...it went too surreal at home, I was running from home. Just to walk alone in the streets of a dangerous ghetto in the middle of the night. I was often running from home and I did not know where to go, I felt lost and depressed. My mother has an emotional intelligence of a chair. And the rest of the family is not even that chair. I have badass spirit guides because I often found myself in dangerous places and situations but always protected. There was a short period of time when I slid into the drugs to numb my pain and I was being on the partying wild side but I caught myself pretty fast that this is not the way I want to live. I saw many kids in our ghetto who would overdose on drugs, committed suicid3s and went to the prison and I did not want that to be my destiny. Art saved my life. Million times. Art was the only real thing I have ever had in my life and it helped me to push through the life. I owe art my life. Art and God. End of list.
Narcissism is a generational curse when the trauma is passed from generation to generation. Until some scapegoat in that family will stop this madness and break the cycle. I worked hard for years to heal myself. The more healthier I became, the more scapegoated I was by my narcissistic family because their sick energy did not resonate with my healthy energy and I was not willing to downgrade my high vibes to match theirs low vibes. I was the only empath in the family and a sensitive artistic spiritual soul. I feel like narcissistic abuse is also a form of spiritual attack, the narcissists have very d3monic unclean spirits and they want to devour your soul. We are in a spiritual warfare. The narcissists are d3monic entities trying to destroy God´s empath - children. The narcissists hunt me since the day one on this planet and they were always trying to break my spirit. Especially my mother. I will never understand how one mother can hate, envy and sabotage her own daughter and compete with her. My mother is a covert type of a narcissist, she was pretending to be my best friend with her "fake niceness" while she was actually my enemy. I guess I understood that there is something wrong with my mother when I asked myself this question: If I have a daughter, would I treat her this way? And the answer was: No! My family was full of hoes and s3x addicts, alcoholics, crazy nuts, one heroin addict and one molester who was targeting underage girls in our family. This family was a he11. The narcissists are d3monic out of control pigs and robots without empathy. There is something fundamentally wrong with their emotions and way of thinking. I went through spiritual, emotional, psychological, s3xual and financial abuse. I was a teenager when my mother asked me, my brother and her boyfriend to come to the kitchen for a lunch. So we did. My mother served my brother and her boyfriend and then she took me by my hand, dragged me in front of the fridge, opened the doors, pointed her finger on one empty shelf and told me that from now on, this is my shelf and if I don´t buy my food with my money, I will not eat. Then she sent me to my room hungry where I stayed alone while the whole family was eating in the kitchen. Once I wanted to enter the restroom and she jumped right in front of me preventing me from going to the restroom (for no reason), I needed to leave the home without using the restroom. Once I came from school and my father was putting the lock on the door of my room. He told me that as a child he needed to share the room with his siblings and he always wanted his own room so from now on, my room is his. I told him that I have my stuff and clothes there and I need to do homework, he did not care. He would pretend to be "a father of the year" in public but behind the door he was a monster. He would pay the dinner for all friends in an expensive restaurant but he would sadistically withhold food for us at home. He once poured a vinegar into a milk so he prevented us from drinking that milk. One day, my parents brought me a guinea pig. I love animals very much and we bonded strongly. One day I came home and the guinea pig was gone. Nobody at home wanted to answer me why they took my guinea pig away and where is he. I was constantly emotionally abused and psychologically bullied. I would probably run away from home as a child but I did not want to abandon my 12 years younger brother and leave him there with these nut cases. I can go on and on with weird creepy stories with my narcissistic parents (actually, I write a book dedicated solely to scapegoats of narcissistic families, so check my website later if you want to buy my book). I guess the last straw for me was when my mother told me to get in the car while she did not want to tell me where we are going. We ended up in a psychiatric hospital. We entered the psychiatrist´s office, the psychiatrist asked me to sit down but something told me to stay around the doors. I was listening my mother speaking to this psychiatrist and she was telling lies and nonsense about me. She tried to depict me as "a bad child" but somehow she "forgot" to mention the abuse the whole narcissistic family was putting me through. My intuition told me to start to run away which I did. She started to run right behind me screaming at me that if I don´t come back she will get me locked there. This Jezebel wanted to lock me in some loco loco place. The only thing that saved me in my life is that I left home in a very early age. I was struggling alone a lot in life but it definitely saved me from much more damage in the long run. Now I understand why Jesus and Buddha needed to leave their family. You have the most karma with your own family and you can´t run away from them until a curtain age. I guess my mother hated me the most because I never submitted to their nonsense, abuse and false image of our "happy family", I was always a rebel. I always saw through them and the narcissists hate people who can see through their illusions. The narcissists live in a denial of the truth, they live in a fantasy world and they punish you if you don´t go voluntary into the cognitive dissonance and support their fantasy.
I had few coins in my pocket and I was very young when I moved abroad to work hard to save some money (and honestly, to be as far away from my family as possible). My goal was to buy my own little apartment. I wanted to finally have the feeling of having a home. I never really have any place to call home. I came back to my country and I was only 20 something when I was buying my first apartment and fully furnitured it. I guess right there it should be my red flag that my narcissistic ex never asked if I need a help with building a home for both of us, help with the paper work, going with me to the bank or ... those who ever made a purchase of some property knows how much "running around like crazy" it involves... (I paid also all fees) or in general to show at least some interest, excitement or at least ask some questions. He always disappeared and he let me to deal with everything alone. He used a little girl to build the home for him. He never asked at least: "Hey, should I buy at least the cups or something? Wow, we have forks? How it is that we have towels? How the plates even appeared here?" The towels, chairs, washing machine, saucepan, everything appeared magically in the household (aka, magic of my wallet). I made sure nothing was missing in that household. Every-time something broke in that household, I fixed it. And as a thanks, all he ever did was always treating me like a trash, object and toy, complaining and criticizing me. He never said one nice or appreciative word in 10 years to me. The narcissists are bitchin.....g a lot about everything, always complaining, always negative, irritable, non appreciative, they do not live by gratitude, they are always feeling entitled and being around them is toxic, you have to walk on the egg shells. You, your feelings, opinions, needs and wants do not matter at all because narcissists see only themselves. They are control freaks and they always want to have a power and control over you. They don´t love you, they only want to own you, control you and use you. They don´t treat you good but they don´t let you go either. They don´t see you as a human, you are merely an object to them. He was coming and going like my home is a cheap hotel with free s3x, appearing out of nowhere and then disappearing again for long weeks. I was emotionally abandoned million times. He was never there for me. Nothing was good enough for him. I just could not make anything right no matter how hard I tried, he never appreciated me. The apartment was small for him. He did not like the furniture. The decoration was ugly. He does not have enough space for his stuff (although, all he ever moved in were his clothes and pile of p0rn CDs). Then, he has the audacity to rip me off my home and ran with the money to a different continent to marry the new supply for visa. It is interesting how the narcissists never build anything but they are always so quick to destroy what others built. The narcissists never value anything because you can only value things you build yourself. But because everything is served on golden plate for them (and they expect you to automatically serve them like you´re the servant), they just can´t understand the value of other people´s hard work and how much time, money and effort those people needed to invest in building. The new supply was flaunting in my face on internet all the pillows they bought for their new home and the jewelry he bought her. Or better to say, I bought her. While I became homeless loosing my home and I had barely anything to eat spiraling into PTSD trauma, depression and eating disorder. I lost completely EVERYTHING including my mind and health. While he was in relationship with me, he never took me once in those 10 years to a nice restaurant for some romantic dinner, he never bought me flowers, he completely ignored all my BDays, Christmas, Valentines. He never made me feel special. No vacations, no trips, no gifts. It is so bizarre that I was with someone for 10 years but I barely have some memories. I did not really mind because I am not a materialistic person (I am more on a spiritual hippie soul artsy side). I do believe that you can´t buy true love with money or gifts. It only blew my mind that a woman who was patience with him for 10 years, built for him, supported him in everything he was doing, gave him a lot of freedom, loved him to the point I would take a bullet for him, treated him like a king (Queens, always recognize the difference between the Kings and clowns), sacrificed everything for him, I was through a few shit-storms with him in his life and I never ran away (even I was doing it on my expense and sacrificed my own happiness) and then he gave everything for free to another (nasty "narc") woman he barely knew, to someone who did not deserve it and did nothing for him except she offered him her g3nitals. It was literary a slap over my face. With a brick. At this point, I had a massive mental breakdown.
My
narcissistic psycho ex did not only triangulate me with his
narcissistic psycho Jezebel new source of supply but he turned against me his
family and our common friends who took his side and covered the crime
that was committed against me. His family is narcissistic too and the
flying monkeys were the narcissists themselves. They all set me up and gang upon me. Everybody knew what was going on behind my back. Except me. I felt like they stole years of my life that nobody will ever give me back and this is a crime itself too. They were preventing me from speaking the truth, they were doing everything in order to silence me and I could not get my justice. I was fighting this
all alone. Alone against thirsty d3monic vultures who literary enjoyed
destroying my life, abusing me and laughing in my face like psych0s. I just could not believed my own eyes what was unfolding right in-front of me. Many masks fell off and I witnessed pure 3vil. I did not have any support when my narcissistic ex fu......cked my brain out of my skull and fried it on the pan. My mother could not resist her need to extract the negative narcissistic supply from me and she took an advantage of my vulnerable times. Instead of supporting me in my darkest moments of my life, she made this shi......t even more unbearable so I needed to isolate myself from my family. They all were feeding of me like energy vampires. It were very emotional dramatic stressful times for me. And lonely times but honestly I was so used to being a lone wolf since a childhood that being lonely was my smallest problem in this mess. I was all over the place because they dysregulated me with their abuse. I am a natural born optimist, logical and chill-out person, I am probably the most easy-going person on this planet who always mind her own business and I hate problems (especially problems that are being manufactured for no reason, just for the sake of causing nonsense drama) so when the narcissists were FORCING their satttanism, darkness and madness on me, it was destroying my life and my health. I hate when people stress me with BS for no reason. I came to this planet to be productive, peaceful and creative, I came here to be the love and light, not to rotate around toxic asses and their nonsense 3vil drama.
I did a classic mistake when I did not take a time to properly heal myself and I have entered a new relationship. Or better to say I was hardcore love bombed by a narcissist - borderline man. He was an aggressive alcoholic and overt type of a narcissist. For the first time in my life, I thought that I met the right person. He gave me a lot of attention (which I never had from my family or my ex). I am not an attention w_hore but when you have a girlfriend, you should be emotionally available and affectionate, otherwise why would you want a girlfriend and not staying single? My narcissistic ex was often giving me the silent treatment and ignoring me so when my new boyfriend showered me with love bombing (red flag), I felt seen for the first time in my life. I just wanted to be loved in a correct way. I am not talking about codependency but about love that should be somehow mirrored between the partners. I am a very affectionate empathetic person so I was always struggling around my cold emotionally unavailable first ex and my family. For the first time in my life, everything was just perfect. We moved in together very fast (red flag). And the he11 started not long time into this relationship. Come here, go away, hot, cold, all over me, withholding, I love you, I hate you, you are the best woman I ever met, you are the biggest shi_t in the world. We broke up million times. The relationships with borderlines is a crazy roller-coaster. They love drama and they are "not feeling themselves" when there is 5 min. peace in the house. At first, I was happy about the fact that he was older than me because I though he would be mature. Wrong. Chronological age has nothing to do with an emotional maturity. He was rap3d by his own father when he was a child which I believe developed the disorder in him. He froze with the emotional development in the age when the trauma happened, around 6 years old. And it was really like dating a 6 year old child. Cluster Bs are full time job. You will completely loose your life because you have to rotate around their toxic asses 24/7 either fixing their problems or being their servant. He barely could keep any job, I paid for everything. I paid the bills, every-time we went out, the fridge was full, I bought him a car, he never paid for anything while he had a full service from my side. He was very reckless with my money and after dating 2 narcissistic r3tards, I went broke. He was a very weird alcoholic. Even he was drinking a lot, he was also into a gym. He would go to the gym even with the hangover. He was very attractive and I could not understand at first how this hot dude can be so deeply insecure about himself using his insecurities to terrorize my life and abusing me. Later with the study of psychology I understood that look has nothing to do with a confidence but it has everything to do with belief systems. As I tried to fix him, he broke me instead. You can´t love someone out of a disorder. He turned my brain into the scrambled eggs. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship with any cluster B individual, get out and don´t play "a hobby therapist". You are not a therapist. Even licensed professional therapists fail with treating the cluster Bs, not alone you who is just a regular person. Cluster B personality disorders are very serious type of disorders and if you find yourself in a relationship with this type of individuals, immediately leave. Or you will need the therapist pretty soon too. Just like I did.
And ever since, I am on my path of working on myself and helping others to heal from narcissistic abuse and guide them through the dark night of their souls and spiritual awakening. I found passion in helping others to heal. I am not doing it as a job, more like a hobby in my free time. My path back to myself was very long, painful and transformative and I did lot of mistakes on the way. I wish I had someone to guide me through the storm more efficiently. I want to be now that someone who is helping others to go through the storm as smoothly and fast as possible. I am not only a teacher, I am also a student. I am always in transformation, always working on bettering myself. Life is a spiritual journey, you never really stop being a student. And then I share with others what was working for me and what did not. People can´t live without only one thing - the purpose. The most miserable people are those who do not have any purpose in life. Find your purpose and your life will change. My train is rolling full force and this time, this Queen is not stopping or slowing for NOBODY. This time this Queen will not let anybody to sabotage her life.
I learnt some valuable lessons over the past few years:
People come and go but you have you forever. So, you have to build a good relationship with your own self and your own life. You should be always the main character in your story, not someone else´s background. I am my own Queen. Not someone else´s servant, object or toy. My standard is very high today. And people either meet me at my high standard or they can´t be in my life. Because every-time I lowered my standard for others, they destroyed me there. Decent people have no problem with your high standard because they have also a high standard. Only users and abusers have a problem with your high standard and boundaries because now they can´t use and abuse you and this piss them off. Sticking to the high standard is a wonderful filter, it will filter out toxic people so you can keep only the decent ones. My castle is not a ZOO or circus. As a Queen I have 2 tools to operate with - my crown and guillotine. You will get either the first one or the second one, based on how you treat me. Treat me good, I treat you better. Treat me bad, bit__ch, there is the door. I focus only on what´s on my plate right in front on me (just like the horse with the eye blinders) because every-time I focused on someone else, my life fell apart.
Where attention goes, energy flows. My train does not stop for nobody. People better learn how to jump high if they want to keep up with me. Every time people asked me to stop my train for them, they were only putting me on the back burner having bad intentions for me, playing games with my mind and my life preventing me from really living my life and manipulating me into waiting for nothing while damaging my life. The right people never ask you to stop your train. The right people have their own train and they run right next to you in the same direction, not asking you to stop your life and go the wrong direction. I love myself and I invest into myself. I don´t make other people´s problems to be my problems. I am not responsible for others because others are responsible for themselves. In the past, when people gave me 3% of love, I was wow-ed. It felt like they are giving me their whole world. It´s because I did not love myself enough, I loved myself 2% so those 3% seemed like a lot to me in the past. Today I love myself 100% and therefore when someone comes with their 3% of love for me, I kick those bit....ches out of my door 1-2-3 like it´s nothing. Why I should eat someone´s bread crumbs when I can bake myself a luxury cake? I don´t settle for less than I deserve. If I settled for less, I would be already married to some clown by now. I wait for the real King. Until the King arrives, this Queen is practicing self-partnering, self-care and self-love and building her own castle. If the King never arrives, it´s OK too. I will be happy anyway. I am a free spirit, I love my freedom and I am independent, I will do everything to make me happy. I found my happiness in my activities, my biz, my purpose and hobbies. My to do list is always full. Happiness is an inner job. If you don´t find happiness in your own self, you will never find it in someone else. I am happy and everything that will come as extra happiness is only a bonus. I am at the point in my life when people want to leave my life, I even open the door for them. No grudges, no drama, no judgment, I even wish them blessings. And then I go my way to live MY LIFE. Staying in my life should be a blessing, not a duty. You attract people and partner who is a match to your energy. You have to get right with your own energy first before you can attract the right people. If you are unhealed and miserable, you will attract your energy match. If you are healed and happy, you will attract your energy match. Everything what you seek is seeking you back so be careful what you are actually seeking because you can actually get what you wished for but it will be not the right thing for you. You have to build a strong sense of self before you even consider to meet other people. Meet yourself before you meet others. If you don´t know who you are, it will be easy for manipulators to manipulate you. The greatest tragedy is when two wounded people who have no idea who they are get together, they will destroy each other. If you don´t love yourself, your partner will destroy you (and the partner does not need to be necessary disordered - everything first and foremost starting with your own healthiness). Your level of self-love will be always reflected back to you in relationships with other people. Love yourself properly. You always look around if you see people or if people see you but do you see you? You can have only your voice in your head or you will have million voices of other people in your head, choose to listen only to yourself. Understand that all people projects. I project, you project, everybody projects. We all project our own wounds, traumas, experiences, opinions, shadows, light, negativity, madness, whatever is inside of us so never internalize what others project onto you. It´s not personal, it has nothing to do with you.
You can meet 20 people and they will all see you differently based on their own projection what is going inside of them. For one person you will be nice and cute, for another you will be nasty b....itch, for someone you can be bad, for another person you can be good and it has literary nothing to do with you. People only hear and see what they want to hear and see, not what you are actually telling and showing them. For example, person with depression will see the world differently than the happy person. Yet, they are both looking at the same world. Another example, if 3 people walk down the street and they see a car accident, witnessing such a tragedy will be experienced by those 3 people differently. One will run away because it will trigger some traumatic memories of their past, the second person will have no reaction because this person lacks empathy and the third person will run towards the car to help the driver because he or she posses an emotional strength and is higher in empathy. We see the world through our own triggers and wounds. What triggers one person does not need to trigger the other person. So, do not listen to other people, you do you, boo. See yourself and the world solely through your own eyes. I tell you a secret, most of the people have no idea who they are, where they go, they hate themselves, they don´t love themselves, 90% of people on this planet struggle with serious deficit of self-love (and they don´t need to be even disordered) and even they don´t have their own poop in the group, they are so quick to judge your poop and telling you who to be and what to do. Don´t listen to people, mind your own business, listen only to yourself, do what the f....ck you want. Most of the people are lost so if you follow the crowd, you will get lost too. Go your own way. Don´t be a sheep. Be a lion. Only you know you, your needs and wants. This is your life so make it the way you want. The moment you become an individualist, you will stop to see yourself as someone else´s extension. Now you are free. Be yourself, fuc....k what other people think about you. You owe nobody. Over-explaining is a trauma response. You don´t need to explain yourself. "No" is a complete sentence.
Once you become whole and complete, de-programed from codependency and you start to love yourself, you will reach next level of freedom. The only true way to heal from narcissistic abuse is to over-grow your old self and old reality. This will create an energy shift in you and your new vibration will create a new reality for you. This new energy will automatically attract new type of people and new type of experiences to you. If you don´t over-grow your old self, you will be stuck in the hamster wheel and keep suffering and repeating old toxic patterns attracting only the narcissists. If you really want to overcome this tragedy, you have to build new, not fight the old. Only learning about narcissism will not help you. You can listen to "narc" videos and read "narc" books for the next 20 years and still being stuck in misery because YOU did not change. You have to take a responsibility for your part. If someone did you dirty and this someone´s part in your story was 95%, you can only control those 5% that you messed up. Focus on those 5% because that´s all you have under your control. You can only change you, you can´t change others.
We live in a mirror-verse and everything will be mirrored back to you. You will feel safe in this world only when you feel safe within you. If you don´t feel safe inside of you, you will feel that the whole world is dangerous. If you feel safe inside of you, you will feel safe outside of you too. It´s merely your own projections. We live in a world full of mirrors. Projections and deflections. How you feel and see yourself and the world has nothing to do with others. The moment you gain the control over your mind, nobody else can control you. You will become incredibly powerful. You don´t need to trust others, you only need to trust yourself to feel safe. You can´t control anything outside of you. But you can control what is inside of you. Focus only on what you can control. Let go the rest. I know what price I had to pay in the past for letting toxic people in my life. The price was high. I don´t tolerate toxic asses around me anymore. I love my stability and peace. I protect it, I always tell people to not take personally if I set boundaries. Because I want to be surrounded only with positive people who loves me for me and have good intentions for my life, people who help me to grow and prosper, people who makes my soul sings so if someone is a nasty deeply fuc....ked up narcissist, I´m like: "get the f.....uck away from me". And that´s my boundary. I don´t feel bad about rejecting, blocking, deleting, muting, unfriending anymore. I put my mental health first. Never speak about yourself negatively because the warrior in you listens and he is lessened by your negative self talk. Always talk to yourself positively. Ask yourself every day: What I can do for myself today? And do it. Everyday work on your mind, soul, body and coins, on repeat. Take a pen and paper and write 5 main areas in your life that needs improvement. Than pick the one on the top of the list and start to work on it today. You should never invite people to tea party when you have only one cup of tea. You can only share from the over-flow. But that one cup of tea should be always only and only for yourself, never share it with others. Otherwise your life will fall apart and you will get compassion fatigue. You are not responsible for the whole world.
I
was in 2 toxic relationships with the narcissists and I was miserable.
Now I am single and on celibate and I am happy and healthy. So,
obviously, being in relationship is not the answer. I am tired of pathetic clowns and their circus. Lately, my borderline narc ex wanted to sneak his way back to my life. We did break up few years ago. It´s his disordered pattern to come crawling back once in a while like all typical narcissists do. It´s a "toxic hoover o´clock". Even I blocked him, my e-mail provider will redirect the blocked e-mails to my spam so eventually I have to come across those messages. I never reply, yet, he keeps b0mbarding me. First, it started with a question if I still love him. Then he answered his own question with: "I know you don´t love me anymore". Then he threatened with sending a police on me. He said: "I heard that there are drugs on your floor and in your apartment". It´s funny because I don´t even drink alcohol, I drink 2-3 glasses of red wine per year (if any). Police can come to watch me sipping my vegan smoothie. Then he sent me half naked photos of his body. The reason why the narcissists treat your body in a horrible way is because they treat theirs like a cheap meat too. They are offering their bodies like it´s a cheap meat in an exchange of whatever they want from you. They can´t love you because they don´t love themselves. They can´t respect you because they don´t respect themselves. You can give people only what you already posses within you. If you don´t posses it withing you, you can´t give it to others. Never let people who does not love themselves to love you, they will hate you the same way as they hate themselves. You can predict how people will treat you based on how they treat themselves. Then he asked me if he can move in with me. Then he sent me a photo of a knife in his hand (have no idea what does it mean). Next day he apologized and said that he only wanted to hug me and touch me the last time because he will never experience anything like that again. Than he threatened with a suicid3. The narcissists are extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative bullies who will take you on a crazy emotional roller-coaster ride. My first narc ex threatened with his suicid3 too when he ran away with his sidechick and I lost everything. I demanded explanation of the whole situation on which he replied that he will jump out of the bridge. No worry, he was OK. I compared the same dates on his sidechick´s social media, he was on the beach with her laughing and looking super healthy. While me as a real victim became really suicida1 as a results of his emotional abuse and psychological bullying. When I did not react on any of my narc exe´s messages, he e-mailed me: "I am one meter from you" trying to make me paranoid that he is somewhere around me on the street.
Photo sent by my ex:
But at this point, I am absolutely fearless. I lost all fear because I was sitting with my fears for couple of years till they dissolved. I live my life fearlessly. I don´t allow people taking my personal power away from my hands anymore. I just keep pushing and moving forward no matter what. Because this is MY LIFE. But let´s talk a bit about clowns and kings. Dear clown exes, stop knocking on my door. For all narcissistic individuals from my past, let´s make this very clear - anybody who caused or contributed to my downfall and to abuse of me will NEVER come back to my life. I will never allow it. I don´t deal with snakes. Period. Clowns, for what exactly you want to come back? You want a Queen? Then you have to first become a King to require a Queen. The Queens don´t mess with the clowns. Find your equal. The Queens are NOT your equal. Your equals are narcissistic Jezebels. You want a Queen but you will not even know what to do with her. And I don´t know what to do with the clowns. We are not on the same level and we are not compatible. If you are acting like Joker, I will always treat you like a joke. Knock, knock. Who is there? Reality. Every-time when the Queens get together with the clowns, the Queen´s castles are being burnt down and the Queens are being relocated into the circus. And the circus and the castle are two different type of experiences. The Queen´s equal is not clown, it is a KING. The Kings know how to treat the Queens and how to take care of the castle. The clowns are frustrated why I don´t take them seriously but they don´t even take themselves seriously. We live in a mirror verse, everything will be always reflected back to you. People see you only as you see yourself. You have to treat yourself seriously if you want others to treat you seriously. If you´re joking around then don´t be surprised when I laugh. There are actually men who abused, humiliated and left Queens like Rihanna or Selena Gomez. Toxic clowns were messing with low life crazy narcissistic Jezebel little girls, laughing in the Queen´s faces, they performed the clown show. And then the reality hits. It always does. And it hits hard. I like Justin´s music, he is a talented singer but....now Justin looks like half homeless, he has life regrets written all over his face looking depressed as he11 and he will live with his shitt_y decision for the rest of his life right next to his low life dumb manipulative money-fame thirsty covert narcissistic side chick. He settled for less for lifetime. He will be singing subliminal songs for Selena for the next 40 years. Dude at this point knows he f......ed up for life. Narcissistic men are dumb. There is a saying: Behind every successful man is a dope woman. True. Always choose partner carefully because your partner will be either your greatest downfall or the greatest investment. Nothing in the middle. You will either super prosper or you will go hardcore downhill. The clowns need me but I don´t need them. All my exes chose crazy aggressive "fake nice" nasty narcissistic side chicks who went after my throat. But Queens don´t compete with hoes. Maybe hoes compete with me but I don´t compete with hoes because we are not on the same level. I don´t even see them as a competition. I don´t even acknowledge them. Narcissistic Jezebel females have no class. I deal only with other Queens and the interaction between the Queens is a completely different level. The real women cooperate, the Jezebel narcissistic females compete. The real Queens elevate, support and appreciate other women, the low life females envy and want to destroy other women. The Jezebels are like these creepy dark creatures who are always lurking behind the backs in the shadow of all Queens. The side chicks have no dignity. Although, I thanks the Jezebels for taking the trash out of my life. These narcissistic females wanted to steal my life, my men, my personality, they hated me and copied me in the same time.
♫ ♪ Youtube song 6IX9INE - TUTU
But what they did not acknowledge when stealing my men wanting the life I had with my men is this: I was the strong intelligent patience woman with class behind every man. I created peaceful optimistic environment so the men can function and do their thingy in peace, I was loyal even through storms, I was very understanding, I provided freedom, I kept my household clean and run smoothly, I know how to cook, I was the glue of the relationships with my highly developed emotional intelligence, I poured ton of love into my exes, I provided the safe harbor for them in this insane chaotic world, I provided stability and comfort (while my exes provided me nothing just instability, headache, depression and madness), I brought the best out of my exes, I gave them peace, I fixed, I managed, I organized, I bought, I built, etc. If it was not me who built our home alone, me and my ex would be living under the bridge eating from the floor because non of my exes built anything. I was hustling and bought a home and even the plates so we don´t need to eat from that floor. I bought the car so we don´t need to go by walk like The Flintstones. Non of my exes had at least their own car. I was the support and life force for those men. They were both nobodies when they met me, they met me when they had nothing just naked asses. I entered their life and transformed it into the gold. They entered my life and they transferred mine into a giant sh...it.
So, dear Jezebel side chicks, enjoy. You did not win the lottery. The only best thing on my exes was me. The rest was a cra_p. There will be a lot of reality checks ready for you right behind the corner. If you think you can sit on your lazy basic bitch entitled asses and just do your make up and this will make your men happy and thriving, I have an answer for you: ha-ha-ha. You wanted my life but forgot to acknowledge that that life was created solely by me. The clowns always wake up pretty fast from coma when they realize that the real Queens are rare and they don´t grow on the tree everywhere like the apples. They discover pretty fast what is the difference of having real empath Queen behind their back vs. the crazy unstable little girls narcissistic Jezebels behind their back. And obviously the basic narcissistic bitch...es always fail because all exes always run back to the Queens in the end. But it is always too late for them because Queens heal, move on and never look back because Queens want to find a decent normal guys and not to deal with fake crazy asses anymore. The grass was not greener on the other side? Wow, I will pretend it is a surprise for me. Dear clown, is your hot ass, dic__k and problems the only 3 things you are bringing to my life? If yes, I´m telling you right away - I am already bored as f..... You are boring. I am not impressed. I´m sick and tired of empty shallow all over the place dudes. I am too deep for you so get the f... out of here. Narcissists are the most boring and unfulfilling company I have ever experienced. I never experienced any sort of deep or serious communication with any of my exes. The deepest we went was "What will be for the dinner". The narcissists are emotional cripples and they will cripple you. They lack of emotional intelligence and you will never experience with them a real intimacy. I was with a narcissist for 10 years and I have no idea who that guy is, I feel like I never knew him. Non of my exes had visions, dreams, goals, purpose, hobbies, non of them had plans for future. I always saw them sitting on the ass playing dumb games on phone or watching dumb movies. All they have been doing is running around like 5 years old little boys and messing around. The narcissists do not focus on the priorities, real activities, their only activity is running around, wasting time (theirs and others), messing with people, lurking in the darkness like "Dracula creatures" and fu---cking people over. Normal people´s hobbies are painting, cooking, gym, the only hobby of the narcissists is to destroy other people´s lives. I had results behind me. They did not. They did not bring nothing positive to my life. Only misery, mess, abuse and tragedy. Yet, they have been mistreating me like I am a cra_p and they are "the God´s sent gift" (while it was vise versa). Funny, because real Queens do not ask for much. Only for a basic respect and true love, they are completely capable to handle everything else by themselves, we don´t need diamonds, our men do not need to buy us new shoes, real Queens are not entitled Jezebel little girls, dudes do not need to rotate around our asses and jump through the hoops for us like crazy. And even when the true Queens ask for this little such basic respect and true love, for the clowns it is a huge problem to provide it to us. The clowns do not need a relationship. What they really need is to stay single and get a therapy. A great life lesson for me. Always choose man with the vision and ideas. Make sure that the man will properly commit to you and properly incorporate you to his future, otherwise dear Queens, do nothing for those clowns, don´t let the clowns use you as the stepping stones and being his mummy. The Queens have not been born to be used, they have been born to be loved. Loved CORRECTLY. All clowns want to use the Queens to make them feel good but when the Queens will feel good too? Because our happiness matters too. Maybe our happiness does not matter to clowns but it matters to us, the Queens.
When I shine, I shine brighter then the sun. And I don´t allow narcissists to kill my sun anymore. This is my life and I don´t allow people dragging me to the sides and throwing me off the balance for their entertainment anymore. This is my soul, this is my life, this is my mind and I am only where I want to be. Life is short, my time is very valuable and I will never waste it on clowns. I only choose high quality company. Shit_ty company brings only misery and downfalls. I choose only those who choose me. And they better choose me properly. I only choose what is healthy for me. I deserve to be loved and appreciated. One day I will meet my King, my ultimate best friend and only then I will understand why it never worked with anybody else.
The narcissists never build anything. But they are always so quick to destroy. I never met anybody with such a destructive energy like the narcissists. If they get gold in their hands, they will piss and sh_it on it. That stupid they are. Get rid of them. That´s my advice. Because if you keep the narcissists in your life, you will be always dragged down, slowed down, hold back, mislead, taken away from your purpose, they will always suck your energy and you will drop down to the low vibration, your life will be always crumbling down, you will never be happy, you will live in a lie whole your life, you will be always abused and you will be treated like cra_p. Every single time. No exception! Narcissists are unstable people and if you will hang around them long enough, they will turn you into unstable person with unstable life too. The time I had to waste with their illusions, abuse, trauma and even more time to heal, un-do, un-fuck, un-trap and repair the massive destruction which these narcy darcy individuals left behind is beyond the words. If you keep the narcissists in your life, you will never be successful and you will never build anything and if you somehow manage to build something, it will be either stolen from your or it will be destroyed. Since I removed every single narcissist from my life, its like some dark cloud left my life. I feel younger, happier, healthier, I have coins, I live in a very peaceful way. Peace is a new wealth. Today I know that knowledge on narcissism will keep saving my life and business forever. I feel like every-time I built something, it was destroyed and I was starting again and again from scratch. How many times you can rebuilt yourself from scratch to start feeling utterly exhausted? I was working hard but everybody else was always profiting from me, my skills, my talents, my intelligence, my hard work. Everybody, except me. And instead of thank you, they always wanted to destroy me (on purpose). The narcissists want to use you, they want all of your benefits but in the same time, they are pathologically envious individuals so while they are using you they will be destroying you on purpose in the same time. Those times are far gone. I officially removed the tattoo "Idi0t" from my forehead. I´m tired of BS.
Now I know EXACTLY who I am, where I go, what I want and I don´t let other people to confuse me with THEIR confusions. For the first time, I have a safe place, my own apartment that I bought (which is 5 times bigger than the one I was ripped off, it´s called good karma, God will always repay you for your pure heart and pure spirit and everything that was stolen from you will be given to you back 5 x fold, no worry) where I can sit and be there alone with my energy, my own thoughts, my own soul, for the first time I am not in a survival mode and I am just planning my new life EXACTLY how I want it to be. Finally, my soul can breath. Finally, I am going out of my cocoon where I spent years healing, (re)building, replenishing my energy, growing, I cleaned the financially mess (I did not even created), I prosper and now it is time for this butterfly to fly and live the best life. Every-day when I look into the mirror, I see more me coming out, my old good self coming back (even the best version I have ever been), my optimism and sense of humor is coming back, the sparkles are coming back to my eyes and I start to glow again. Going out of my shell is a process but at this point my growing game is fast. At this point nobody can do anything about it, this butterfly will fly regardless. The narcissists are control freaks and everywhere they enter, they bring their wrack. Getting away from the narcissists is like running from the ma_fia, they just don´t let you go easily. They trap you and you spend so much time and energy to get out of their narcissistic claws and un-trapping, un-fucking and un-sticking yourself. The narcissists are ultra messy chaotic people, you will be doing nothing just cleaning mess after them. I cut my losses and got my freedom. I no more will make myself smaller for others neither I will hold back. I will not hold back my happiness just because it pisses the narcissists off because they hate happy optimistic people. I am finally opening a new chapter of my new life. I allow myself to shine like a sun even when the narcissists do not agree with it. Because this is MY LIFE. And I will live it the way I WANT.
The narcissists are the killers of passion, drive, dreams, creativity, goals, they make you sick, tired, slow and depressed. I used to be a professional artist. At heart, I have been born an artist and I will die an artist. Art was always the love of my life. I used to exhibit my art all around the world. I hung my art even on the walls of one of the 10 best art galleries in Los Angeles per LA Weekly. Many Hollywood celebrities were the buyers and the visitors of the art galleries with this high standards. When the final narcissistic discard happened, I needed to cancel all of my art shows because I was just too depressed to create. I even took all of my art supplies, my art clothes, anything connected to my spirituality and threw everything to the garbage bin. I thought I will never create art ever again. The level of destruction of people´s personalities by the narcissistic abuse is mind-blowing. I completely lost myself. When I lost one of the most important things (art) in my life, I guess that was the final moment when I broke down completely. While other people were partying, dating, having fun, I was sitting on my ass for many years (basically, since I remember) working hard on my skills to get into the art galleries I wanted. And the moment when I started to have finally full schedule of art shows booked for months ahead all over the world, I needed to cancel them all due to the mental breakdown and PTSD. But I will not live my life in regret. Quite contrary. I will take a big breath and the (art) show must go on. My best works only wait to be born yet. God protects His children. Dears, never give up. Sata_n has his people but God has His people. Sata_n might throw obstacles in your way but God will step in and will have the last word. Always. My life is a testimony to this.
"Be dynamic, just like life. Innovate. Create. Explore. Never become stagnant". - Akin Olokun
💙💛💝 Back to colors 💚💜💝
When I look on my artworks from the last 2 years of the relationship with the narcissist when I was going through the devaluation stage, I can see how my art went darker and darker as the abuse was intensifying. I tried to process my emotions through my art because there was nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. Dark art is completely out of my character. I used to create colorful playful art. My clients decreased buying my art. They used to buy my optimistic energy. But when I started to go downhill, I started to lose my followers and clients. I was known for goofing around with people, I am a natural born optimist and they could not understand what happened with me (neither I did that time), I stopped to interact and I went just dark and depressed. The narcissists make you feel and act out of your character, they mold you into them. It´s important to heal properly so you can get back to your own self (and even better version!). Never allow the narcissists to turn you into their mirror - into the darkness. My narcissistic ex was leading me into his darkness and held me there captive like a prisoner for 2 years gaslighting me, psychologically bullying me and emotionally abusing me until I spiraled into a depression, mental breakdown, anxieties and madness. I was his negative narcissistic supply and he was feeding of me like an energy vampire together with his side chick Succubus narcissistic Jezebel. Then he discarded me in a brutal way overnight by throwing me under the bus and even after everything he had done to me, he still had the audacity to smear campaign me. Not that the rest of the 10 years relationship was any healthier. It was just toxic, unfulfilling, miserable, empty and depressing relationship. There were few good days and years of misery. I literary threw 10 years out of the window and another extra 6-7 years for therapy to overcome his mind----fukery. I wish I never met this psych0. Codependency is a serious illness. The sooner you de-program and heal from this disorder, the better for you. I wish I de-programmed from codependency much sooner, I would not tolerate 1% of BS that I had tolerated in that relationship back than. In fact, I would not even look his way in the first place, not alone to start some interaction or relationship with him. Today, I am attracted to completely different type of men which means I definitely healed. Today I am healthy so I want a healthy dude.
When my whole tower was falling to the ground, I felt so confused. I did not know about narcissism back then. I remember I was asking myself everyday: "What the he11 is happening here? Is this world going crazy? Or it is me who is going crazy? Is this really happening or am I dreaming?" It felt like I am stuck in some bad dream I could not get out of. I was asking myself: Is it possible that so many people went crazy in the same time around me? I was so confused and I was thinking for myself that it was super weird how everybody just disappeared from my life. I felt like I am alone isolated on Mars. I just could not understood it that time. It was like a giant shi_t-storm. It was because I was vulnerable and down and this is exactly the moment when the narcissists will show their true colors. Once I was on my knees, the masks started to fall off their faces everywhere around me because they all could not resist to take an advantage of my vulnerabilities (which is a typical trade mark of the narcissists). And once they grabbed what they could, stole what they could and kicked me enough in my teeth to get their negative narcissistic supply to fix their fragile ego and low self-esteem to feel better about their miserable non existent personas, they discarded me. Classic narcissistic sh....it.
Through my life I tried everything. Sculpting, fashion, jewelry, painting, digital art, photography, whatever I could put my creative hands on. I have been born with a pencil in my hand. One of my dreams was always to become a fashion designer and to have my own fashion line featuring my own art. Finally, my fire, creativity, playfulness and my passion is coming back to my veins and I will continue to work on this dream that was on back burner for years. It takes a lot of work now as it will be manufactured from almost all continents and shipped to all countries in the world, I cooperate with various companies, working on re-branding my art and personal style, new website, new e-shops. I have also some new business ideas that I would like to bring into life. I am not the person I was years ago. And I want only new energy in my life. I can´t wait this new me to create art and my life completely differently. This is a beginning of my new era.
♫ ♪ Youtube song Relaxing Mediterranean Music | Blue Bay
I felt very sick for few years. I missed my old self. I did not feel myself for quite some time. I am a very dynamic person. I can´t sit on my ass for more than 5 minutes. I am that type of the personality who feels happy only when I juggle at least 15 projects in the same time. I can write about serial killers and 1 hour later I find myself to paint a cute illustration. I love to create, build, always learning something new. I feel the most happy when I can go to the right, to the left, to the right, to the left. So, feeling sick so long to the point I had no energy, no inspiration and I have ended up often in bed with depression just staring into the ceiling was making me even more depressed. I lost interest in everything. I am happy that I feel myself again and I have energy to do everything I want to do.
The narcissists should go to the prison for abusing people. When you break someone´s legs, you go to the prison. So, why you don´t go to the prison when you break someone´s soul, destroy someone´s dreams, destroy someone´s mind or destroy someone´s immunity system? The abusive relationships is a wa///r-zone. You can get the same PTSD in a w///ar-zone like you get in the abusive relationships, it´s no difference. I noticed that men and women process anger after the abusive relationships differently. Men are more prone to turn the anger outward and they become adrenaline junkies (sport, risky behavior, bar fights). Women are more prone to turn this anger inward and they often suffer from eating disorders. And that was also my case. I have developed an eating disorder as a direct result of narcissistic abuse. The narcissistic abuse completely messed up my hormones, my immunity system and my nervous system and it took me literary years to heal from it. My new healing program will also include a new project where I would like to share with people my knowledge on healing through food. I healed my body with vegan and raw vegan diet. My new veg cookbooks will be published soon and my new food blog will be out ready for reading in a close future.
I managed to completely close my past. It was a few years fight but I finally resolved my karma with many karmics. I know I am fully healed because I don´t feel any emotions towards any person from my past. I only focus on today and my future, I don´t look back anymore. You know you are healed when you feel neutral towards your karmic teachers (you don´t have any positive or negative emotions towards them). It almost feels like they are the strangers. Like they never existed. Karma is like an apple on the tree. You suffer and you are full of extreme emotions. But once the apple is fully ripe, it will fall from the tree effortlessly. One day you will wake up and finally you will feel nothing. Just like that. After many years of agony and pain the apple will just fall from the tree to the ground. And your past will disappear and become non-existent. Your head will be beautifully empty and your soul will be at peace.
However, I still feel leftovers of karmic energy. I call this type of energy "place karma". For the past few years, I have got stuck in my country and I never wanted to live here but I was not able to unstuck myself. The karmic energies did not allow me to unstuck from this land because I still had some karma to be resolved here. Usually the "place karma" is tied to your job, to your house, to your country. And you will be not able to unstuck until you do not resolve the karma with your family or coworker or someone else who is connected to the place you can´t unstuck from. And I am right now in this place where karma was already resolved and now the "place karma" is slowly releasing me but I still feel surrounded with this heavy energy. I am still stuck with materialism that I am slowly working through so I can fully close the giant karmic cycle and move on to my new life. Once you close a karmic cycle, you will feel this strong desire to change your whole life. I can´t wait to move to Spain and I will never look back to my past. The best thing about my past is that it´s over. I discarded all photos and items from my old life, I cleaned my energies and moved on. I am a person without a past. And I am very excited about my future. For the first time in my life I feel that life is good. And as an optimist, I know it will be even better.
When I was a child, I grew up in a ghetto. It was an ugly place to be and it was definitely not very inspiring. Kids were doing drugs, alcoh0l, they were ending in prison, there were few suicid3s, even few murd3rs. I was surrounded by concrete jungle. In the past, I still had a lot of karma and trauma (low vibe) stuck in my system waited to be resolved and because you attract experiences that match your inner world and your energy (because we live in a mirror verse), my unresolved karma and trauma matched ghetto. Today, when I resolved the karma and trauma, I am capable to elevate to better and more beautiful place. For many years, my dream was to live in Spain in Costa Del Sol. It´s a little Los Angeles of Europe and finally I can move somewhere where are beautiful beaches, palms, Mediterranean sea and most of the time sunny weather. Now the new place will match my inner world which is now more sunny, healthy and happy. You attract what you vibrate the most. That´s why, when you are changing your life, you have to start with changing yourself, on a deep level. Heal, grow, expand, raise your vibration and then, everything else will start to change around you automatically. You have to become a vibration of what you want to attract.
Slowly but surely, I would like to establish my mystic school teaching people about karma, prana energy, frequencies, vibrations, low of attraction and manifestation and many other topics on spirituality, ancient knowledge and metaphysics but also I would like to continue to teach people about trauma and narcissistic abuse, I work towards creating a complex healing program. This all is so surreal. Years ago I had no idea that my life will turn this way. Everything happened in my life for a reason. And only today, it all makes sense. Finally! I started to answer the questions of the victims of narcissistic abuse on forums, my followers were growing fast until I had few thousands of followers. People were sending me the private messages sharing with me their stories but because they always asked me the same questions, I decided to start my blog where I started to write about narcissism so I don´t need to repeat the same answers. People started subscribing to my blog and I don´t even know how, here I am today, teaching people about psychology. If you tell me years ago that I will teach people about some narc psych0s one day, I would literary thought you lost your mind. Evolution is addictive, once you start to evolve, you love it every day more and more and you want more of that. Spirituality is like a gym, the more you work out, the stronger you become. I want this for everybody.
It is very important to remove the trauma out of your system because the victims usually fail in their lives due to the fact that they spend 90% of their energy on dealing with their trauma, so they are left only with 10% of their energy to be spend on their true potential. And those 10% is not enough for them to be successful.
It is important for you to remove yourself from a chaotic dramatic abusive environment. I noticed one interesting fact. When children are placed in a chaotic, dramatic, abusive environments, they can be the smartest kids in the world but they will fail in life because they can´t properly focus on learning. When you are in chaos, you can´t think straight. When you are in an abusive environment, your brain is in a brain fog - it is a protective reaction of your brain against the trauma. When you are traumatized, your brain has a hard time to process even a primitive simple tasks or information. You can read the lines in a book 50 times and still not remembering what you have just read. This is the reason why people after the narcissistic abuse feel like their IQ decreased. It´s not the IQ, it´s the trauma. The relationships with the narcissists make you very non productive, it slows you down or completely paralyze you. If you are around the narcissists for too long, you might even notice that you want to sleep more. It is because you are deprived of prana energy. You can´t simply thrive in a chaotic environment. This is why it is important that you choose a right partner or people to surround yourself with because you will be living with his/her/their energy in the same environment. If people have a bad energy, they will transfer their bad energy onto you. If people are deprived of prana energy, they will turn into energy vampires making you their source of prana energy.
It is not uncommon that even smart and successful business people end up homeless after the narcissistic abuse. I am years in our community of survivors of narcissistic abuse and I saw it all. Thriving business people suddenly lose their jobs because of toxic gossiping of the narcissists in their working environment or the victims are too traumatized by the narcissists to maintain their job. A lot of people become jobless after the narcissistic abuse. They can´t even get out of the bed, not alone to keep some job. They are too exhausted and depressed to keep the job. Their confidence was beaten down by the narcissists to the level they have too low self-esteem to apply for a job. The performance of people who are in the abusive relationships decreases at work out of feeling overwhelmed by the abuse. People suddenly have no time and space to educate themselves on what is important for them because their whole life and time is completely monopolized by the narcissistic parasites so their careers or lives become stagnant. They stop to grow. The narcissists suck all of the money out of their victims so now the victims, instead of investing in themselves, in their education, in their business, they are wasting their money on narcissistic parasites and they put all of their goals and dreams on the back-burner. The constant drama the victims go through with the narcissists build a stress in the victims and they can´t properly focus on anything, not even a basic day to day tasks, not alone on some big dreams and goals. It is not uncommon that successful people become bankrupted after the relationships with the narcissists.
One day, we will do not need to visit the doctors at all, everything will
be healed through the prana energy. You will notice yourself that the moment
you release trauma out of your system, all of your exhaustion and
sicknesses will magically disappear. Even your addictions. For a simple reason - where is no trauma, there is no need to mask anything (with alcohol, drugs, bad habits, etc.). You are not sick, you are traumatized. This is what trauma does to the body. Why do you think her0in addicts always relapses? Because the doctors treat the trauma in a wrong way. They let the addicts detox from her0in, but the trauma is still stuck in the addict´s system. And till the trauma is still in their system, they will always have an urgency to mask the trauma with the drugs so they will endlessly keep relapsing. The correct way is to remove the trauma first, then the addiction will go away by itself (because there will be no trauma to be masked). It is similar with eating habits. When you are depressed, you are more prone to eat unhealthy processed comforting heavy food. But the more healthy you become, you will notice that you will start to naturally crave fresh veggies and fruits. People has a tendency to mask their issues and trauma with unhealthy habits. Doing drugs is a trauma response. Eating unhealthy is trauma response. Whatever you do to yourself to destroy and self-sabotage yourself is a trauma response.
A woman suddenly died of a cancer. This woman was something around 40s,
so she was young, she was doing sports whole her life, she was living a healthy lifestyle and
she was eating a clean diet. She never drunk or smoked. Yet, she died from a cancer. Everybody was shocked. How someone who was all her life obsessed with everything healthy can ever die so young from a cancer? Her husband was a narcissist so there is no surprise here. That´s what the
extended period of being around the toxic people will do to your health. No matter
how healthy is your lifestyle, if you live with the narcissists, they will kill your
spirit and body. The woman was not killed by the cancer, but by the narcissist. Many people who did not manage to remove the trauma out of their bodies suffered even decades from chronic illnesses. Trauma and toxic people make you sick.
I am 39 years old. I look a decade younger. People often ask me what face creams I use. But my answer is really just a combination of being full of prana energy (it is your life force), I have removed karma-trauma out of my system (trauma is a low vibration and low frequency) and I cut off all narcissists from my life (they suck the prana energy out of you). I felt older in 15 because I was full of trauma. Now I am older, I removed the trauma out of my system and that´s why I feel younger than when I was 15. And I am a vegan. It does not matter what you put on your face because 90% of how you look is FOOD and ENERGY (aka, what is going on inside of your body, not outside on your body).
Selfportrait with hair wig because Aries "aries-ing":) No make-up. No filters.
When my grand grand mother died, her spirit came to me at night to say goodbye from the other side. And already as a child I realized that we live such a nonsense construct. You are not your body. Chair, floor, all illusion. You are a soul. If you have been born to the family of Muslims or Christians, they already chose the identity for you, but you are non of those. Once you die and lose your "meat suit", is your soul itself boy or a girl? Non of that. It´s just an energy. That´s why we have gays and lesbians in our society. Because they do not meet each other´s bodies, they meet each other´s souls. Souls give 3 fu_cks about g3nitals. What age is the soul? The soul has no age. You wear just a meat suit, once you di3, you will lose your meat suit and only then you will become what you really are - just the soul. The purpose of life is to deprogram from stories. We are souls. That´s it. The soul does not have story. So, when I was a kid, I saw how my grand grand mother´s soul looked like without the body. It was a floating ball of yellow light. The energy. That´s why the narcissists goes always after your energy. And when they are sucking you out of your life like the parasites, you feel like you are loosing your soul (your energy). The narcissists are the greatest prana energy suckers. Prana energy is their food. Their dessert. That´s all they want from you. And that´s all you actually have. Prana energy is your spiritual currency. When you are full of prana energy, you feel vital, energized, happy and healthy. But it´s not only about how you feel, but when you have a prana energy, you can use this energy to attract what you want from the Universe. Love, money, career, etc. Energy is literary a currency. And the narcissists do not want to work hard for their prana energy, it´s easier for them to suck it from someone else for free. The narcissists make you prematurely age and they make you sick. Did you ever look in the faces of the victims who came freshly out of the abusive relationships? They look like zombies. They look like someone sucked the life out of them. They look way much older than its their real chronological age. Someone who is 45 looks like 65 after the narcissistic abuse. On the other hand, the victims who managed to properly heal from narcissistic abuse, suddenly, they glow, they look way younger. It´s because everything is about energy. You have to take time to properly heal yourself from narcissistic abuse and refill your "energy cup". You have to deprogram from codependency by staying single and on celibacy so you can properly invest time in yourself. Once you fully heal, you will be not attracted to narcissists anymore. Many people who dated too many narcissists in the past and they finally enter a healthy relationship feels like the relationship is little bit dull and boring. Good! Boring is good. It means you don´t have problems. Enjoy your peace. Drama is not "hot". Drama is a sign that you are in a toxic relationship. Peace is a sign that you are in a healthy relationship.
Happiness is the best make up. When you are depressed, then no make up will ever help you to glow up. It is a time for a deep healing. Avoid spiritual bypassing. Super empath is an awakened empath de-programed from codependency with boundaries and full of prana energy.
Would you like to read my full life story where I go into the details and write about my healing journey from officially diagnosed PTSD and depression after lifelong narcissistic abuse? Read my diary worth of 116 pages of book HERE.
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